Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

[HDC80]

I never said I force him to hang out with his friends.

 

I do, however, strongly engourage him to.

He always asks me along---which is nice, but he needs time with them WITHOUT me around too....its important to keep those relationships strong....and not to always have his GF with him.

His friends greatly appreciate it---saying how awesome it is since most times their wives or GF's are complaining they're going...then harass them on txt....beg them to come home...and they get frustrated by it and retreat further....

 

I do this to keep balance....so he NEVER feels this way.

 

I dont txt when he is out with his friends....asking him to come home or leave what he is doing early to be with me....I would never DREAM of doing that.

 

In turn...that isnt a push to get time with my friends....or time alone----its purely for him

[camus154]

Has this issue been resolved with him yet? Perhaps we're all beating a dead horse here.

[EssexMan]

they seem to think that the way I go about things is pretty awesome. Why else would they give me praise for it?

 

His friends almost interrogated me to get to know me

 

They tell me how generous, caring, kind, giving, supportive I am....to them, to other friends...to people Ive dated.

 

Typically the people they date, comment on that as well....and say they wish they had someone like me as a GF.....or that Im a dream girl

 

Ive received praise for the way I operate....Ive even had guys Ive dated tell me how refreshing it is--

 

HIS friends are SINGING my praises to my face and to him when Im not around about how cool I am

 

His friends greatly appreciate it---saying how awesome it is

 

I'm not sure what to make of it, but I don't think I've come accross anyone before with such a gushing bunch of friends!

[HDC80]

Guess Im lucky then.

[Unreasonable]

I feel like the OP is a script writer testing out relationship lines for Sheldon Cooper. /facepalm

 

Unreasonable----I would expect the same from someone to react this way to me if I did something that overstepped their boundaries and upset them. I wouldnt expect them to be kind about it and sit me down and quietly say it wasnt okay....if they had spelled it out before, and I went against their wishes and explained boundaries....I would anticipate they wouldnt find it cute, or sweet...that they would simply hit the *** button and let me have it.

 

Wow... just... wow. Maybe it was that way in your household, and if that is the case you've been conditioned and I am VERY glad that you do not want children. I am sorry that you feel this way, because this is not how the world goes round. This is not a hard rule even in superior/subordinate relationships, let alone among equals.

 

Let's say you've committed a moving violation. Cop pulls you over, a guy that is NOT your equal, that doesn't know you and owes you NOTHING. If he saw that you had a clean driving record, and let you go with a warning, would you become confused? Demand that he write you ticket? Could you even possibly comprehend why he would do that?

[camus154]

I'm still curious if this has already been resolved, OP?

[HDC80]

Unreasonable---

Im actually GREAT with kids. I worked as a camp counselor for years and went through an intense training program as a teenager. I then went to school and studied how to teach, develop and work with adolescents.

I then acctually ran a day camp for a year with 200 kids 4 - 16....and had a staff of 65 ages 17 - 26.

 

Anyway....I do well with kids....

So before you make the call and say you're GLAD I dont want kids----let me put it to you this way....its that I dont want kids----I dont want to go through a pregnancy, and a birth...and then caring for a child for however many years and having a person THAT dependent on me.

I can barely make dinner for myself some nights----cant imagine another person being reliant on me that way.

So.....anyway...bottom line-----I dont want kids.

 

As for how I view the world.....I take people for what they say....if they tell me they dont like something in particular, I fully expect WRATH if I do that particular thing....in fact its deserved....I did something they dont like that they specifically took the time to tell me they dont like.

 

As for your example of a cop.

I would be VERY confused if let off with a warning. If I violated the rules, and a cop pulled me over, then yes Im deserving of a ticket.

I wouldnt demand it.....I would go with whatever his decision was....if he decided to let me off with a warning that is fine----but not what I would expect, and yes it would confuse me-----

 

Camus----I stated awhile ago-----he didnt want to speak further about it, wanted to let it be.....so Im not going to pester him to speak about it.

[Heather Dawn]

to me the only thing different between a friend and someone Im dating is that Im sleeping with someone Im dating.

I include them in plans (do that with friends) I look to spend time with them (do that with friends), I invite them over (do that with friends), I talk with them (Do that with friends)

So I really dont see a HUGE difference between the two.

 

I would still fully anticpate going to the grocery store to get my own food, and him his. etc.

 

 

There's the problem. While your partner should be your best friend, there is so much more to a romantic relationship than the addition of sex.

 

And, man, even if you lived together or were married you'd live such a separate life that - as with your roommate - you'd still plan on grocery shopping separately? Is there NOTHING about being in a romantic relationship that you do differently than you do with your friends or roommate - besides sex?

[Heather Dawn]

Maybe Im just more independent than most----or used to doing things on my own----but I dont need someone holding my hand through every bit of life.

 

That's funny, coming from someone who lives rent-free in their parents' home and who is too scared to get out from under their parents' thumb to make what is a truly independent life for herself. No, this isn't independence at work - its...indifference. Indifference to your partner.

 

I believe you don't understand what love is - and that's sad, and I blame your crazy parents for that (based on previous threads). But you need to realize that you're coming off as an incredibly rigid and shockingly cold individual and almost no one here is going to empathize with your plight. So why, really, are you even asking us what we think?

[Unreasonable]

As for how I view the world.....I take people for what they say....if they tell me they dont like something in particular, I fully expect WRATH if I do that particular thing...

This is why you shouldn't have kids. If you shovel out wrath every time someone does something wrong on the first offense, you have very little room to go from there. They will tune you out.

 

And so will your boyfriend. Key difference is he doesn't have to wait 18 years to leave you.

[Justnotsure]

I think it's just a classic example of taking a theory or ideal too far.

 

The OP is clearly very worried about becoming co-dependent -- she's seen relationships where people have an unhealthy dependence on each other and then vowed to the EXACT OPPOSITE. She will not need anyone for anything, and nobody makes any choices based on the other, etc. It's the other end of the spectrum. And so, she is failing to see that it's still unhealthy - it's just unhealthy in the other direction.

 

And her "theory" gets her a lot of attention and kudos from her friends -- who think, "yeah, that's great that she doesn't do the traditional thing and she's not clingy and needy. What a cool person." Except that her friends aren't in a relationship with her, so the complete lack of intimacy or flexibility that arises out of such an arrangement does not impact them.

 

What's missing of course - is that interdependence within a romantic relationship is possible. That people can have healthy relationships in which they make compromises and adjustments for the other person, and do not "lose themselves," rather support each other in their individual pursuits while also having the mutual goal of making the relationship strong.

[truegrit]

I have been following this thread with great interest. I was raised an only child myself with a very weird homelife and very strict, as far as letting me have friends etc. Pretty dysfunctional but not quite as restricted as the OP apparently was, so I can kinda relate to her upbringing.

 

Anyway, the one thing.......I may have missed it........is that I don't think I have heard her say one time the word "love". This has caught my attention. OP do you not understand the concept of loving a man? If it is the same to you as one of your friends then I think you need to just keep dating and not consider marrying.

[Fudgie]

IHonestly, I think it all boils down to different boundaries. So OP doesn't want her bf coming to her house without her permission. And not really coming to her house but going INTO her house. I don't necessarily think that's that weird.

 

To be honest, I didn't like my boyfriend coming over to y house unannounced before we moved in together. I always wanted him to call or text first. If I didn't answer, it meant that I was sleeping or with family and he'd have to try again later. Of course now we live together and he can do whatever he wants. I don't think that my boundary was bad or meant that I didn't love him surprised some are accusing OP of this.

 

OP, I feel it's a valid boundary given that it's your place. But get the key back. Don't give away your key unless you want them coming and going. I agree with some others, you are giving him mixed signals.

[DN]

Given everything that the OP has posted on this thread and others, I think it's far beyond boundaries over him coming in unannounced at 3 am.

[Fudgie]

There are so many pages in the thread that I just read OPs first post and a few of the others. My apologies.

[Realitynut]

No prob Fudgie... I've been following it since day one....just love a good confrontation!!! lol

 

Somewhere between HER bounderies (very strict) , and mine (non-existent) there lies a "healthy" relationship.

 

 

I laugh when i read her posts because i tried to get my ex-fiance to 'suggest' to his grown kids to call or txt first to let us know they were stopping by...not to drop in unannounced. He refused to budge. I mean, we were newly living together, and i was down in the kitchen with just undies on and his shirt, and his 30 yr. old kid came walking in...and announced he was gonna watch the 'game' and a bunch of his buddies were coming over. Apparently before me...they always did that.

 

I was NOT happy. Now with a bf...totally different...many times i jumped in the car and drove 4 HOURS to be with him...and he didn't know i was coming!!!! lol

[anna0511]

OP,

 

You seem to have a lot of pride in the way you operate, a way that is largely dictated by logic. We all have our own quirks and I know have alienated people in my life because I can be rather rigid too. But here's the thing. I'm well aware of the fact that I occasionally put people off. And when I catch myself acting in such a way that the majority of the population doesn't get, and may not appreciate, I try to loosen up a bit, not get too caught up in my own ideology. Sometimes, just to try see things from a different perspective, I force myself to do something that is just the opposite of what I would naturally do, just to free myself from my own chains. Things don't ALWAYS have to be so rigid and logical. Temporary personal discomfort is usually worth harmony.

 

Also, understand that getting praise from your friends and bf's friends is great, but they are obviously not involved in a romantic relationship with you. So take it with a grain of salt, and don't let it fool you into thinking you are perfect because you are not.

[DN]

pl3---

Most of my relationships in the last decade have reached close to 3 years.

Ill go back as far as a decade:

 

Feb of 2002 - October of 2005 (just shy of 4 year relationship)

October 2005 - September 2008 (just shy of a 3 year relationship)....this guy moved in only to freak out 3 days later. He remained 'living' with me for 6 additional weeks, and then moved in with the girl he had been cheating on me with.

March 2009 - February 2012 (just shy of 3 year relationship)

 

So my life experiences have told me that my approach is refreshing, new, something others wish they had....

Has it not occurred to you that with three relationships lasting about three years and some other lasting less - your friends track record in vetting and approving these men isn't very good, in fact, they have a 100% failure rate.

 

If the way you conduct your life within relationships is so great - why have none of them lasted? Even this latest one seems to be on very rocky ground.

[lavenderdove]

OK, here is the fundamental issue:

 

If you are someone who has a desperate need to maintain a large degree of space and distance from another person and are basically a control freak over your own life such that you can't bear to share most of it (your home, your food, your time, etc.) with someone else in an open and generous manner, then you maintain only a very weak and tenuous bond with a partner because you are not willing to truly share and co-mingle your lives.

 

You will only truly bond to a minor degree, and so that bond is extremely vulnerable and thin and you will not allow those deeper and more complex bonds to form because you are busily chopping away at them whenever they might grow. So that basically dooms you to a life of serial monogamy where you will a long series of relationships that last a few years apiece because over time there will ALWAYS be challenges to any bonds between people, and weak bonds will snap under the stress.

 

And the real issue becomes as a female you can live your life this way for a while, but your marketability really decreases wtih age, and you have an extremely odd approach to relationships that most people will not tolerate for long. So eventually you will not be able to find any 'takers' when your latest weak bond snaps. Of course that is absolutely fine if you are so independent that you don't care whether you have a partner or not. Some people should never marry and shouldn't commit because they are incapable of creating deep bonds to others and just resent the entanglement.

 

So i think what needs to happen is for you to realize your approach IS extremely atypical, in the same way a swinger wouldn't be suitable for a monogamous relationship, you are not suitable for long term or deep bonds with other people. So you are wasting your time over being angry that the world isn't exactly like you or a BF does something you consider an extreme violation that is honestly quite normal if you give a BF a key. He is expecting you to WANT to see him regardless of time because he is your BF and you are taking it as he is as bad as a burglar breaking into your house. Of course you can take that position and maintain it, but you just started sawing away at the weak bond between you that is already thin because you draw so many boundaries and restrictions around yourself. He most likely will last your 'usual' few years, then he will be gone.

 

So if this is OK with you and men coming and going every few years is your goal, carry on! But if you want to form a deep and lasting and permanent bond with someone, you are going to have to learn to share and allow more connections to develop because it is those deep bonds that carry you through rough time and conflict, and weak or casual bonds will snap eventually.

[HDC80]

LavenderLove:

I hear what you're saying about every few years starting over. Ive done that most of my life. Seems my life has been on a 5 year rotation. I build a strong network of friends and things to do etc....and then they fade out and I start over.

I grew up with no friends....and didnt really start to have friendships until I graduated college.

So Im used to the having people----then they fade out----have to build and start over---repeat....repeat.

Its actually why I try to have a very diverse and spread out amount of friends-----so Im not hanging out with just one friend all the time. I rotate who I spend my time with regularly as to not wear on any one person and 'overstay' my welcome.

 

I dont need a LARGE amonut of space/distance-----if Im seeing someone 7 days a week.....for 3 months....and then want 1 or 2 days a week for a bit due to feeling like I have had NO personal time over 3 months...that doesnt seem like quite much.

 

DN----I never said I looked to my friends to approve who I was dating and give me the thumbs up-----what I did say was that I had them come out to meet the guy so HE could ask THEM questions to get an outside source and information on who I am other than taking what I say about myself as gospel.

Just because my conduct in relationships has been given praise....does NOT mean that the men I was with were in the same place as me at the same time....there are other variables...and I dont think people marry the first person they're into something serious with...sometimes it takes going through a few. As I said----guy I left as he wasnt doing anything to push his life forward....guy 2 CHEATED....and Guy 3 was an alcoholic......which are reasons to NOT be with someone....that have nothing to do with my idealology or methodology.

 

Anna----If Im comfortable with how I operate, why should I take on how others do? They're not doing that to see what its like to walk in my shoes. They're not trying to understand my thinking or methods.....

I have never ONCE claimed to be perfect. But----when you do something, your friends see how you are, what you do, and speak to you about it and give you priase....it definitely says they think its a good idea. Otherwise they would tell me it sucked, or wouldnt say anything at all.

 

TrueGrit----for your question about understanding love-----I dont know----I have no idea what its supposed to feel like. I think I know, but how is anyone really sure? People know what happy is, angry...sad...but Love seems to remain one of these foreign things.

I dont go through life thinking anything is perminant. I think things are much more transient and moving.....nomadic. Ive never had anyone stick by my side...so why would I think anyone would? Ive always had my own back, no one has had mine.

Ive learned not to miss people when they leave....and how to pick up and move on, on my own when I feel that I need to fill where someone else used to occupy time.

 

JustNotSure--Since I treat someone Im dating as I do my friends---they would see directly how I act, as I treat them similarly.

Im the one who reaches out to see what they're doing on the weekends....and am flexible to whatever is going on. If a friend is having a hard time with cash....I invite them out and say Ive got them for the night, no questions asked. I generally provide, share and am generous with friends. Im the one who recalls their big work meeting, or their follow up at the docs and checks in to see how they're doing. My couch is always available for them to crash on after a night out so they dont have to drive....speaking of driving----Im usually the DD so they can have fun----typically picking them up even if out of my way. I pay for gas and parking never looking for them to contribute. If they want to go out, Im more than willing to come to them, and rarely suggest that they come my way and put themselves out. I never show up empty handed and typically bring their favorite food, or craft beer, wine or other booze.

These are the things I do for those that are close to me. Does that sound un compromising? Not Flexible?

The only frustration I really have is that they're generally not the same way with me, and with all the giving, and caring----it generally doesnt tip back in my direction.

I can get to a point where I have nothing left to give either because nothing has been done back in my direction to fill my reserves....so in general I feel taken advantage of.

 

So sometimes to keep that balance....I keep it very even. Afterall....they'll fade out. They always do. Friends typically at a 5 year rate. Relationships at the 3 year.

I just wait for it----because it always happens.

Then I just start over again. Meet new people----and hit the 5 yr and 3 yr cycle.

[Heather Dawn]

You sound like a robot. You function solely by what's "logical." I sense absolutely no emotion, whatsoever.

[penelope13]

OP - I feel for you, since you seem to have grown up and incorporated a very emotionless approach to life (or at least absence of positive, nurturing emotions). Since you have never been exposed and experienced those kind of emotions you have difficulty seeing how anyone else would want and strive for such kind of emotions be if from their family, friends, or sexual partner. I particularly didn't chose the word 'romantic' partner - since you don't seem to have an idea what 'romance' entails for the majority of people.

 

You have certainly a right to your own approach to life and relationships. It just seems a pity that someone - anyone - has never had the opportunity to experience being loved without a reason, without having had to earn or work for it, without any rhyme or reason, missing out on the 'head over heals' feeling.

 

Yes, there may not be a lot of logic from a rational point of view involved in most conventional relationships, but rather a whole lot of emotional 'logic'. However, since you have not been exposed to it yet, you can't relate to it or imagine it.

 

For most people, what sets their partner apart from the rest of close friends and family, let alone all the other nameless people around them is that for the partner a whole different set of 'rules' and 'emotional logic' exits. Your partner is the one for whom you break all the rules and requirements of interaction you may have with everyone else, i.e. your partner is someone 'special'. Yes, maybe the partner drives you crazy with behaviors that you would never accept from friends - but that is counterbalanced by an emotional- and energy-flow between you two that you don't share and derive from anyone else.

 

Usually the first couple you would ever witness to sharing such a bond would be your parents, but of course that opportunity was taken from you. And I'm pretty sure that you have chosen your friends based on your pre-conditioned approach to life, thus your friends are probably somewhat close in their philosophical outlooks on life thus you may also not witness strong emotional bonds from them.

 

When your friends praise your for your easy going personality - it may be true that at times they wish their own partner would be less 'irrational, emotion-drive, ...' - however, they most likely wouldn't give up all those things if it meant also giving up on the other side of the emotional spectrum: the joy and ecstatic experience that cannot be explained and put into words and has nothing to do with any set of rules.

 

What strikes me throughout your posts is this want/need for control - not in the sense that you want to dictate to everyone how they have to act (although a lot of people have focused on that) - but you are trying to live life in such a way that YOU have always the opportunity to decide what happens next. Thus you have no problem if someone changes plans last minute - as long as they tell you and you can then decide if you agree or not, but you require to be told upfront (even if only a few seconds) so that you feel you have a choice about accepting the change or not and for having the opportunity to mentally adjust your expectations according to the change in circumstances. While outwardly it seems you are flexible, it can be perceived as mentally/emotionally challenged to have to deal with the unexpected without a prewarning.

 

Since you have this intrinsic need for controlling your expectations of what will happen next in your life (indoctrinated by your upbringing) you have made a list of rules for how people are supposed to interact with you. This set of rules may differ and seems shorter than the list of rules your parents had, nevertheless it's a similar approach to life from a mental and emotional make up point.

 

What is truly behind this need for having to know at all times what will come up in life? Most often people are rigid about things due to a fear. What are you most afraid of? I don't really think it's solely about being respected. You don't strike me at all as the kind of person who will allow someone else to not respect how you define yourself. However, it seems more that you are afraid of not knowing how much and how little compromising and bending rules would be acceptable. It's much easier in some ways to live by rigid rules since it doesn't require an active processing and decision making event at each situation. However - most people and most situations require us to constantly reevaluate 'rules' (in their widest sense) and make decisions based on the individual situation at hand.

 

I don't think it's such an outrageous idea in general to have the expectation that people (even romantic partners) can't wonder into your bedroom in the middle of the night unannounced/unexpected. As a woman living alone we all are aware of the possibility and dangers of being attacked in your home, thus I would in general completely freak out if I was fast asleep and my bedroom door would open in the middle of the night without me having an expectation that my partner may enter.

 

I have underlined unannounced/unexpected for a reason, because I think this is where a lot of people see things differently from you in how they define those terms. While you have one single set of definition for the word and apply it to all people (friends, family, partner) equally - most people have different definitions for those terms according to the type of interaction they have with different people. For example

a) unannounced for strangers/distant friends - required to inform you x amount of days in advance

b) unannounced for close friends - usually inform in advance, unless there is a serious reason/need and they require help/assistance/support or have some big news to share with you

c) unannounced for a partner - of course it's the polite thing to be kept in the loop, but if you stop by as a surprise in general it's welcome (of course you still would expect them not to scare the *** out of you) because I rely on it being done with a positive intent behind it.

 

So, you have a rule, have clearly expressed it, yet he chose to ignore it. Since it sounds like you refer to human interaction from the point of view of 'contracts with rules' I'll use an analogy which hopefully will help you to understand some of the responses and different sets of expectations that were expressed here. As a society, we have rules, regulation, code of conduct, laws - we are all aware of them (or should be) and are accountable for them. HOWEVER (big HOWEVER!!!) - even in severe breaches of criminal laws - the accused always gets the opportunity to express and explain their motives - i.e. before judging the accused the law considers 'mitigating circumstances', even in severe cases like murder. That is equally part of our expectations and rights as a civilized, regulated, law abiding society. The expectation that sometimes things are different and people react differently than they normally would.

 

You however, by the sounds of it, don't care if there was a specific reason/idea why he chose that particular night not to follow this rule. You don't accept 'mitigating circumstances', ever. Since he knows you reasonably well - he probably assumes it's futile for him to express and explain his thoughts and motivations because you won't ever accept any other thought process than your own.

 

And that in itself is a pity - that you can't see that the rainbow has many, many, many colors.

 

The one who is missing out here is you - nobody else.

 

Nobody on this thread needs to agree with your approach because everyone can chose their own, however, I feel for you because I do believe you are the one hurting here. You may not even be aware of how much you are missing out - and that in itself is sad - on experiencing illogical, unexplainable, joy and love. Unfortunately that kind of joy can't be regulated and planned.

 

In your particular situation, I would have probably freaked out if I really didn't even remotely think of the possibility that it could be my partner coming in (however, for me, by giving out my keys that would be an intrinsic understanding that the occasion may arise, even if it wasn't the general rule), but it would have quickly dissolved and I would have 'expected him to make up' for the momentary fright by taking me to bed - nothing better than an unexpected night of passion regardless of what my schedule in the morning may be.

 

Most people understand where you are coming from, the question is, are you interested to learn where other people, mostly your partner, are coming from?

[DN]

As I said----guy I left as he wasnt doing anything to push his life forward....guy 2 CHEATED....and Guy 3 was an alcoholic......which are reasons to NOT be with someone....that have nothing to do with my idealology or methodology.

But these were three relationships that lasted for about three years. Why did it take so long to discover that they were like that and why do you seem to choose men like this.

 

The only common denominator in these failed relationships is you and yet all you do is blame them. Yes, they had serious flaws but it is very unlikely that you yourself were not also a contributing factor to the failure of so many relationships.

 

You never seem to examine yourself, it's always turned on to others.

[lavenderdove]

>>I dont need a LARGE amonut of space/distance-----if Im seeing someone 7 days a week.....for 3 months....and then want 1 or 2 days a week for a bit due to feeling like I have had NO personal time over 3 months...that doesnt seem like quite much.

 

When i am talking about space, i mean the concept of distance in lots of areas... as in you don't like people to get too close to you and enmeshed in your life. don't like to share your physical space, don't like them to have free access to you unless you 'approve' that they can see you, don't like to share food, don't like to share money etc. So you've set your boundaries a lot farther out from you than most people do. Your comfort zone is that you want to be in total control of your life and see any time they get closer as 'invading' your space, mentally, physically, financially, etc.

 

I think you are just not perceiving how unusual your expectations are in terms of how much 'space' you should maintain and how tenuous those bonds will be if you do strive to maintain that amount of space and distance between yourself and someone who is supposed to be your partner.

[HDC80]

My parents never showed love for me...it always had to be earned, and was taken away when something I did was wrong.

 

My mother told me on Xmas 2000 that she never wanted kids....but it was too late along to get rid of me. This is further illistrated by the 2 pictures of her pregnant...and angry faced.

 

She used to scream at me when I was 3 and would spill a glass of milk. Something very normal for a 3 year old to do----in my house that was a broken rule, something to be screamed at over, and to be sent to my room.

So I lived my life growing up walking on egg shells, hoping to not make a mistake or unknowingly do something that would have me get into trouble.

Since my parents were pretty reclusive, they didnt have anything going on in their lives, they never realized I might----so I wasnt able to go out and hang out with friends....due to this, I didnt have any.

 

I neve rebelled or didnt follow the rules as the punishment was never worth it and was always far exceeding the 'crime'.

5 minutes late for curfew.....grounded for a month.

Get a C in a tough class but A's in the rest.....not able to use the phone for a month.

 

You get the picture.

 

I understand anger....and I understand worry/stress.....happy.....

But attachment to another person? Not really. Like I said I dont miss people....if they're not around or busy....I just move onto the next.

Ive never had a best friend.

 

Ive relied on myself and myself alone my whole life. If I wanted to do something, I went and did it alone...never looking to join something with a friend to at least know one person....or a friend joining to 'have my back'....so rather than miss out, I adapted to go to and join things alone.

 

Its always been easy for people to leave me in the dust, so I dont feel I matter much to anyone to begin with...while it still hurts, Ive become accustomed to it and just accept it....what else can I do other than adapt?

 

Because of these things, I find it hard to view anyone as someone who will be there, who has my back, who wants to be around for the long haul. I have no examples in my life of any of this...so I look at and view life as something to handle on my own...because if I rely on them, they either dont come through....or when they leave, Im left high and dry to handle it on my own. So easier to just handle it on my own ALL the time.

 

I like to be prepared...and typically for any situation have multi back up plans should one not work out.

I was always told if you are unprepared for something happeneing in your life its because you didnt think it through fully enough.

So there is a contingency plan for every possible outcome-----if something happens that is unexpected, that means I didnt think it through far enough and I have failed in preparation.

 

The phrase...never get caught with your pants down.....that is me to a T.

I dont spend money to be sure I have it in the bank for emergencies, or if I lose my job.

I always have an additional can of whatever I like to be sure to never run out.

Etc.