Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

[penelope13]

Actually sharing sad things and difficulties with other people creates a bond: it says, I trust you, I let you into my innermost parts, I am also human and struggle with things like other people. It's also a matter of degree of sharing: I can sit there and be sobbing for hours on end - that would be difficult to witness - but I can also just tell them what my past experiences was and how I have tried to deal with it. That will not overburden other people.

 

If you are always the one to give support but never accept any, it creates an unequal interaction and usually makes people uncomfortable in the long run.

 

what you seem to fail to see is that sharing emotions of all sorts is the norm and the expectation. Being emotionless is not considered something favorable under most circumstances. And by emotions I mean both side of the spectrum.

[HDC80]

I generally dont ask for help unless I REALLY need it....as to not be needy or always relying on others.

So even more frustrating that if they ask for a favor, I help out. I rarely ask for anything and when I do they cant come through.

I just stop asking---why continue to go through that and be disappointed----I then step up and just take care of things on my own not looking for favors from anyone.

 

But yeah it hurts when my Bday rolls around and I havnt said a word about it and none of my 'friends' have even asked if Id like to do something, or would like to go out or if they can take me out for a drink.

For their Bdays...about a week prior I ask if they would like to go to dinner, or out----and to let me know.

Then whatever they decide----Ill go and pick them up, take care of their cover....give them a nice thoughtful gift......

 

Its just hard when they dont even notice my birthday or ask.....

 

So if they're not reaching out when its my Bday....imagine how it is the rest of the time.

 

Ive been through 3 therapists....and given all the background...spent months on that...and juts when we get into the tough stuff....they leave their practice. Every.single.time.

[HDC80]

And I have shared before----but when you share and then people leave...they have your secrets...and you've opened up your person to them only to have them leave. That isnt balanced either.

 

I do struggle....but I also dont really cry or get sad about things.

When my BF left when I thought i had cancer.....I didnt really cry....I just picked up and kept moving along....trying to enjoy things and live life.

 

Usually when I do try and share, it comes back to them....so I leave it there, as they're more comfortable tlaking about themselves...and i dont want to blab on about myself and be selfish.

[camus154]

Do you think it's possible that you've walled yourself off to such a degree that people take it for granted when you do need things? That you've established a precedent of being the person who never needs anything from anyone else, so you go unnoticed when you do?

[Seraphim]

I think what would be beneficial for you would be one of those wilderness training programs. They also teach trusting other people. In these programs you have to rely on other people for your very safety and existence. They use these programs to help people who have very little trust in others and who have had emotional damage in their life.

[HDC80]

Camus----I would think the opposite. If someone rarely needs help with anything and then reaches out, I would take the request much more seriously because they generally dont ask for anything!

[camus154]

I wasn't asking what you thought. I'm asking what others might think.

 

See the common theme throughout this thread?

[HDC80]

I would think that others would view it similarly.

[Seraphim]

Camus----I would think the opposite. If someone rarely needs help with anything and then reaches out, I would take the request much more seriously because they generally dont ask for anything!

 

You're only looking at it through your own eyes. I know your parents never taught you any empathy but you really have to try looking at things from other people's perspective. Empathy means that you look at it from another person's point of view and not what you do for them.

[pl3asehelp]

I would think that others would view it similarly.

 

I doubt it - your point of view is quite unique.

[HDC80]

So if someone never asks for help....and all of a sudden they come to you asking for it...you think nothing of it?

[camus154]

But I'm not relevant here. I'm not in your circle of friends.

 

What I'm getting at is this--you're the common denominator here. Whether it's your circle of friends or your parents or your therapists or your boyfriend, you're the one constant. And you seem to get the same results no matter who you're dealing with. So logically, wouldn't you focus on scrutinizing yourself rather than everyone else?

[penelope13]

That is the thing (if you agree with it/ understand or not): most people don't have the time and energy to help everyone around them (otherwise we'd live in paradise), so they are selective and thus you also have to somehow 'educate' people in your interactions with them that you are expecting a balanced/equal interaction with them. People probably get so used to you never asking for help that you don't make it onto their "I'll drop whatever else is going on, if this person is asking me for help"-list. Is it right? Maybe not - but it's human.

[Unreasonable]

I totally get that you've had a hard life, and that this has formed you into the person you are. I grew up an only child, and actually lived in an isolated place. So, I had to learn entertain myself. Be my own best friend so to speak.

 

This caused problems when I got married. I was so used to everything centering around me, that I was emotionally unavailable to my wife. For her to get significant attention, she had to participate in the things I was into. Things got really bad, we came precariously close to divorce.

 

I came to realize that while it takes two to tango as far as "who's wrong," that my idea of a relationship was not normal, and that I would have to make adjustments in order to have a long lasting, happy relationship. This is a long time ago, I didn't have a forum like this where I could bounce ideas off people. If I adhered to a "well that's just the way I am, my rules, my way or the highway attitude" I am very sure I would be alone right now. That's not how healthy relationships work.

 

The thing is, you have come here, and asked for help. But you don't really seem to want it. You want to argue with everyone who's viewpoint does not match your preconceived notions you have about "the way things should be." You say "what's wrong with this" and "what's wrong with that", and then you completely dismiss any answers you get. You do not appear ready to take a real introspective look at yourself. You seem to be open to talking about how others have treated you, and what you THINK people think about you, but do not put your focus actually on them. Even though you see things from a first person perspective, the world does not actually revolve around you, and that will greatly affect you if you can't adapt.

 

There's been some really good advice here. I'd take the constructive stuff and seriously ponder it.

[HDC80]

And that is my disconnect.

If you're always asking for help....would it become tiresome and you wouldnt want to help anymore as someone is relying on you.

 

If someone rarely asks for help it should then show that its a rare thing and thus must me important due to their even asking in the first place.

 

I find it doesnt matter how small or large the task its ignored.

 

Sometimes Ill ask that they come to my place instead of my heading to the area they live----simple right----generally not acceptable. Loads of excuses, being told Im selfish, whatever else.

 

Big help----needing a ride to the airport (and I generally only ask someone if I have taken them or picked them up first)----loads of excuses...and suggestions of other ways to get there (even after offering to pay for gas/tolls and take them to dinner or out for drinks)

 

Im not looking for much from anyone---and hence why I just take care of everything myself....

Its better than hearing oops I forgot...or bailing on something last minute and being left high/dry.

 

Camus----trust me I have plenty of beating myself up reguarly under my belt....its pretty much what I do----I take on that its all my fault...that Im to blame...that i made it happen....

then Im told that it cant all be my fault and to stop beating myself up----but then you point out that Im the only common denominator...so it must be me.

[camus154]

I'm not saying it's all your fault...or that it's really anyone's fault. In reality it's probably a combination of multiple things.

 

People indeed can be selfish and inconsiderate. No denying that. But that's an issue independent of whatever might be going on with you. It's possible your friends are selfish and taking you for granted, and it's possible you inadvertently "enable" such a dynamic by never asking for much. Maybe you fly under the radar...the squeaky wheel gets the grease and all that jazz. You're thinking of it logically and how you'd react in such a scenario, but of course they're not you, and human dynamics certainly aren't always logical.

 

Out of curiosity, how are your friends with each other? Meaning, do they seem to neglect birthdays or needs beyond your own? Or are you the odd woman out?

[penelope13]

Listen: you are only seeing things black and white. However, there is a whole world of colors inbetween.

 

It doesn't have to be either "never ask" nor "ask always". Whenever someone suggest you try/do something, you bring up a counter argument from the FAR other side of the spectrum. Most people don't operate like that at all.

 

As I said in an earlier post, making decisions as to what is "enough" versus "not enough" is a skill that has to be learned over time and requires a lot of mental energy - but it's an essential skill to have in order to have successful interactions. You can't keep up with a black and white attitude and expect other people to operate in the same way - simply because you are the exception here and "grey" is the norm.

 

You don't have to adjust your behavior and approach to life if you are happy, but if you are unhappy and want to make changes - you may want to consider some of the things that have been suggested to you.

[DN]

then Im told that it cant all be my fault and to stop beating myself up----but then you point out that Im the only common denominator...so it must be me.

Again, this is black and white, either/or, thinking. That will not serve you.

 

Sometimes there are no right and wrong, just two different rights or two different wrongs. Sometimes both parties are responsible for good or bad outcomes. What you need to do is to figure out what you are doing right and wrong, or could do better, and pay attention to that. You have control over that - you don't have control over other people and what they do.

 

Sure, you can insist your boyfriend follow your rules in your house - but you can't control if he decides to move on because of them. And to just say 'if he does, he does, that's no fault of mine' is missing the point entirely.

[EssexMan]

I find it doesnt matter how small or large the task its ignored.

 

Sometimes Ill ask that they come to my place instead of my heading to the area they live----simple right----generally not acceptable. Loads of excuses, being told Im selfish, whatever else.

 

Big help----needing a ride to the airport (and I generally only ask someone if I have taken them or picked them up first)----loads of excuses...and suggestions of other ways to get there (even after offering to pay for gas/tolls and take them to dinner or out for drinks)

 

Are you sure these people are really your friends, if they treat you like that?

[HDC80]

In respect to how my friends are with each-other....

 

Well I dont have a group----so most of my freinds arent connected or friends with one another. Cast a wider net to have more results.....so with friends from all over my life and various areas... more people to ask what they're up to.

 

I do know that they each have close friends, best friends....and they certainly celebrate milestones and Bdays....they tell me that they're planning a Bday dinner for so and so....or they defintely cant do anything on a certain weekend as they have mini trip planned to celebrate so and so's Bday by having a ski cabin booked....

They definitely put in time and effort to make sure they reply and communicate with others in their life.

 

Even more interesting they'll tell me details about some party for some friends bday....and typically I know the person and they'll tell me that all of these people are invited from their work (that the person has never met whose Bday it is) but they never then say....oh you should come!

They'll tell me about what is going on, but then not ask me to join.

[HDC80]

Essex-----in the sense that I speak with them and look to see what they're up to and around to do something with yes....

As far as they're doing the same for me...no.

 

I have no idea what other expectations I should have from a friend----I dont expect much from anyone.

[pl3asehelp]

Essex-----in the sense that I speak with them and look to see what they're up to and around to do something with yes....

As far as they're doing the same for me...no.

 

I have no idea what other expectations I should have from a friend----I dont expect much from anyone.

 

Chants: Tear down the wall! Tear down the wall!

[EssexMan]

Essex-----in the sense that I speak with them and look to see what they're up to and around to do something with yes....

As far as they're doing the same for me...no.

 

I have no idea what other expectations I should have from a friend----I dont expect much from anyone.

 

Friends will take some interest in you, and pleasure from being with you. That doesn't sound like them.

 

How do you know these people, generally? From work? School? Neighbours?

[penelope13]

You know, I interact with many people on a regular basis. However, if I don't feel some kind of emotional interest (i.e. not related to activities or work) - I won't invest emotions either, even if I talk to them regular about work and general things happening in their lives. For me it HAS to be a two-way-street. Life is too short and there are too many people to invest emotionally into every single person that I encounter, thus I have to make choices.

 

It's LOGICAL for me to invest emotions into people who are equally willing to invest emotionally into me. If someone wants to do activities with me from time to time, but doesn't share their emotional life - then I will consider them for activities, but not seek them out in other contexts.

[HDC80]

Ill go through my friends:

C---known since i was 14

L----met through A that I met through my college buddy P...who had his friend K at his place one weekend....K grew up with A......A knew L due to being mutual friends with her neighbor

J---met through E who Im friends with through J who I used to work with

M---worked together but not closely used to have lunch daily when worked in same office

M---met at overnight camp when I was 18

S----met through B who I used to work with

B---met through a VW gathering group that my buddy H brought me to

Br----worked together at a job 8 years ago

PB---went to same college....lived accross street from one another

M & J (married couple)---met through dodgeball

CH---met through college BF...she and I kept in touch even after he and I split in 2005

L---know mutual people in several circles....worked together for a bit----also my neighbor