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Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed


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So my BF has keys to my place....mostly so he can enter if Im not home yet, or lock up if he leaves after me.

My general rule is to know if he is coming over...he doesnt just show up to surprise me.

 

We went out separately on Friday night.

I hadnt heard from him all evening, he knew where I was.

I txted him around 1130 to ask if he had gone out with his buddies---he said he had and told me where he was....and ask if I was heading home soon.

 

I replied that I was likely heading home soon and if he wanted to come over to let me know.

 

I never heard from him....so txted at 1230 to say I was heading home.

Nothing in response.

 

I got home around 1am and txted gnight. He wrote back night. I went to sleep.

 

I woke at 3am to his coming into my house!!

 

He came into my room and I said why are you here?

He said it was the same distance back to his place as it was to head to mine, he opted to come to mine.

 

I said that doesnt make sense, if its the same distance and I said g'night to you 2 HOURS ago-----why are you here?

He got really upset..and said fine Ill leave-----I said that would be dumb, you're here no no reason to drive back double the distance.

 

He said no Ill go----and he headed out. I let him go (I used to chase after guys, I will no longer beg someone to stay)

 

And he left.....I went to sleep.

 

I did wake up early on Saturday morning, and upon coming to called him.

He was more than angry, saying he had never been treated that way, or had someone react that way when he has shown up at their door.

I said....well maybe not, but that was them, this is me....Im not them.

 

He then started to compare me to his ex. Lovely.

From what I know----she kept spacing more and more time away from him, and would be nasty to him most of the time (he and his friends have told me the stories)----and Im connecting the dots to think that she didnt like his showing up....when he did so to her.

But it REALLY got under my skin that he started the comparison.

 

I just said to him the logic didnt make sense to me....if it was the same distance home, as to my place, why would you come here 2 HOURS after I said gnight?

He didnt really have an answer.

 

I just told him roles reversed, I would go home EVERY time.

 

Am I totally being a brat here?

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Somewhat. Were you that upset he showed up?

 

My bf used to come by on his way home sometimes...he lives mile past me. As I was sleeping, he would just come in, wake me up (of course) and go back to sleep. However, I did it once to him ---- and his response, like yours was "what are you doing here?"

 

So --- it is about setting boundaries and explaining your thinking. Try not to be so defensive -- and get to the underlying issue. Because it isn't about coming over.

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i would be hurt too if i were him. yes i think you over-reacted. i'm a grumpy person when i'm woken from sleep prematurely, but i think i would have just rolled over and saved my annoyance until the morning at least. how long have you been together?

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I think he brought up his ex as a way to defend himself. Regardless, you both escalated a simple misunderstanding.

 

This is just a small fight. Keep it small. Invite him over and have a nice time together and make up. Wait on discussing the entire topic for a week or two. There is no urgency here even though it might feel like it at the moment.

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I understand why you were upset...he's lucky he didn't end up with a face full of mace or worse.

 

You asked if he wanted to come by and he didn't respond not even with a "maybe"...key or no key I don't like people showing up unannounced in the middle of the night. Would it have been okay if he had responded when you asked him saying "I'm not sure yet but if I decide later can I just drop in?"....I think the problem here is he thinks you just didn't want to see him and really the problem is you weren't fond of the middle of the night surprise. You need to talk through that with him.

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I think you completely overreacted. It just seems like such a minor thing to me especially considering you had already invited him over earlier in the evening and I think your reaction was unwarranted. If it annoyed you that much, I don't understand why you couldn't have just politely asked him to call you next time.

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I was upset that he didnt confirm that he was coming over....

Im upset that he didnt logically think through and come to the conclusion on his own that 3am isnt a good idea when I went to bed 2 hours prior......

I went to bed thinking Id be alone for the night....

 

People dont just show up at my house----he isnt even able to do that with a key...he knows its cool if we have set plans.

Im unsure how that isnt clear and applied to when we have separate plans.

 

PL3...what because Im 32 I should be okay with someone coming over in the middle of the night?

 

Shess----we have been together almost a year

 

LoveSoDeep----exactly. If he had said he was coming over I would have told him Ill be in bed by 130, if you'll be later than that dont bother.

 

Love--the reason was I was startled awake and was scared when I heard the front door, then steps, then opening my bedroom door. I was home alone, and thought I was to be alone until the following day.

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I had a drink with dinner (8pm) and one afterwards (10pm)

I didnt head home until 1230am.....and he arrived at 3am.

 

I was clear headed.

 

Im sure he had a few drinks while he was out with his friends----but his reaction carried over into the following day...so even if he was clouded due to a few drinks.....he should have realized it the next morning.

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Tbh, I think he is in the wrong, he knows not to come over without letting you know before hand. He knows your boundaries and he violated them. I do think you could have made it slightly more than it is. However that said, if he hadn't broken your boundary this situation wouldn't have happened. I think you both need to say sorry, you need to re-iterate your boundaries and why they are in place.

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Given your recent history with this man - I really don't think you are compatible.

 

This is a guy you once said you could see yourself marrying, were planning on moving in with him in two or three months and you treat him as if he is some sort of almost stranger and a guest who has to be absolutely sure of his welcome before he sets foot in the house. And when he got there you were both rude and unwelcoming.

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I think it's kind of sad if you have to establish a boundary that your partner can never, ever surprise you by coming home to you instead of his own place.

 

But if that's the case, he probably shouldn't have a key to your apartment.

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Sorry but unless you're actually living with me....yes you need set plans to come over-----no showing up.

I wouldnt just show up at his house like that.....even if he told me its okay to. Had I reached out to tell him I was in the area, or thinking about stopping by and didnt hear back from him to get an okay...I wouldnt stop by.

 

Thats my boundary when interacting with others, and one I anticipate when they're interacting with me.

 

He never said he would be over, and given he said good night in response to me....looked like we were both signing off from the evening, to complete it on our own.

 

If he LIVED with me....he could come and go as he pleased, no information required.....my roommate does this....its accepted as she LIVES there.

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Given your recent history with this man - I really don't think you are compatible.

 

This is a guy you once said you could see yourself marrying, were planning on moving in with him in two or three months and you treat him as if he is some sort of almost stranger and a guest who has to be absolutely sure of his welcome before he sets foot in the house. And when he got there you were both rude and unwelcoming.

 

I'm going to go ahead and agree with this for the most part because after dating a year, your partner stopping by unannounced really shouldn't be that upsetting. Actually, it should be a nice surprise most of the time though I can also see why you're annoyed as it was 3 A.M and he hadn't responded to you prior.

 

For the most part though, I really don't think there's room for the whole "only come over when I say you're welcome to" thing in any type of serious relationship. From my experience and from what I've seen as the norm, it's usually more of the opposite where "you're welcome over unless I let you know you're not" type of thing when someone is busy. To each their own though. Either way, over reactions and both should apologize. Not really that big of a deal and honestly I can tell that you're getting on the defensive here when people are telling you it's been a bit of an over reaction.

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They key is for instances when he arrives prior to me when we have plans, or is leaving after me (or in the morning when he leaves prior to me and to lock the door on his way out)

 

Im unsure why its 'sad' that he cant ever surprise me.

Is that really something cool?

 

I dont like the unexpected....if Im heading home anticipating being alone, and then he was there....yeah Id be annoyed. I probably would already have an idea of how I would want to spend that alone time, and his being there wouldnt allow for that.

Maybe I wanted to take a bubble bath.....or blast music and clean the house.

 

I went to bed anticipating being alone in my bed for the night-----I would have been fine if we made plans, but we didnt....

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Sorry but unless you're actually living with me....yes you need set plans to come over-----no showing up.

I wouldnt just show up at his house like that.....even if he told me its okay to. Had I reached out to tell him I was in the area, or thinking about stopping by and didnt hear back from him to get an okay...I wouldnt stop by.

 

Really? So he's never, ever allowed to come by your apartment without prior plans? Even if it's 3 in the afternoon?

 

Bizarre. But regardless, I would strongly encourage you to get your apartment key back from him. You're expecting him to act exactly as how you would while giving him something of a mixed signal. "Never stop by without prior arrangements--but here's my key."

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My family isnt able to just show up-----nor am I able to just show up to their place.

 

Why should it be expected that someone Im dating can just come by whenever they please? Until its shared space....I would never take a relationship to mean that my space can be given up without my permission unexpectedly.

I would never asusme nor take on that idea and just show up at their place----unless they invite me over or respond to tell me its okay....I take it to mean they're doing something or prefer to have that time to themselves.

 

It was 3am.....its hardly a casual time to show up and surprise someone....especially waking them out of a sound sleep.

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Yes, because you're 32 you should be ok with someone you're in a committed relationship with who has keys to your place coming over whenever. If you don't see it that way fine, but I think the vast majority of the population would expect to be able to do this without upsetting you.

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When I gave him the key I told him this is to let yourself in if you arrive before me, or to lock up if you leave after me.

 

He has never just used it to pop over randomly or just show up unannounced.

 

So no he is NEVER EVER allowed to come over unless we have prior arrangements....this also goes for friends and my family....not even at 3pm on a Sunday.

 

If it was 3pm on a Sunday and he wanted to pop over...he could call or txt me to see what Im up to.

 

I find it rude to just drop in on someone----how do you know they're free, how do you know they want company? You wouldnt know if they were napping....or out meeting a friend for coffee....or taking a 3 hour shower.....or in the middle of a good book they havent been able to get to-----or making surprise cookies for you for the next time you get together....

Why would you step on someones space that way?

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I don't even let my parents come over to my house unannounced. They need to give a day in advance warning. I pretty much only go to their house, they haven't been to mine in years.

 

They brought it on themselves though for making snarky comments about tidiness of my home.

 

There has to be a legitimate reason why you don't want any 'surprises.' But he should absolutely know it.

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Yes, because you're 32 you should be ok with someone you're in a committed relationship with who has keys to your place coming over whenever. If you don't see it that way fine, but I think the vast majority of the population would expect to be able to do this without upsetting you.

 

Yup. And like Camus mentioned, if you don't want him to be able to stop by unannounced every now and then, it's probably best to get the key back because giving a partner a key usually does indicate they're welcome to use it to come over to visit and not just for use when it's convenient to you. That or make it VERY clear when he's allowed to. You can't expect him to just know.

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