Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

[penelope13]

I have moved countries multiple times as an adult to places where I didn't know anyone - yet everywhere I have moved I made new, good friends and some of them I consider life-long 'best friends' - thus it's possible to form meaningful friendships start start way beyond your childhood years. Sure, it's more challenging and more work to begin with, but it's entirely possible.

[Heather Dawn]

Oh plenty of people have noticed. DN was the one of the first to call her out on it. The thread was basically useless at that point and still is. Whatever 'help' this girl needs, she's not gonna get it here if it's simply a medium for arguing. I wonder if she argues with the whole world in real life too?

 

I'm sure she does. Whatever damage her childhood has caused, clearly one of the lasting effects is that she's become rather robotic and computer-like. She seems completely devoid of emotion, it's almost chilling. And, like all robots, you can't argue with a being who sees one - and only one - viewpoint: what she considers the most logical route from point A to point B.

[Loveandlost]

Most everyone I know has friends from childhood that they still have today. So they have that person who KNOWS them from way back and all that they've been through.

 

Im looking for people who want to do fun things.....who will come out when its my Bday or even look to put the plans together.....people who are interested in me and my life just as much as I am in theirs.

 

Would it be fair to say its hard for people to feel close to you, given the walls, rules, and boundaries you have established?

[HDC80]

You make it out like I never speak about myself or what is going on with me....I do----but generally I listen to them...and what is going on with them----with genuine interest shown by the follow up questions I ask after somethign they told me has taken place to see how they're doing (positive or negative events).

 

I just dont dwell on my stuff because its supposed to be fun, and people want to be around people who are fun, and laugh and enjoy life and are up for anything.....

I say up for anything as in if a friend said they wanted to go to a rodeo...Id join them....not my thing, but am up to go and do whatever, wherever.

 

The boundaries I have in place arent----Ill only speak to you by phone in the hours of 5 - 7pm on Wednesdays.

I will only spend time with you if its sushi dinner at the place I like on my street.

We will only speak about happy topics.

 

Im not as regimented as you're making me out to be.

 

Im unsure how people wouldnt feel close to me given that I ask lots of questions about them, and what is going on wit hthem....I look to spend time with them and do things they like.

I tell them about my life, and what is going on with me....but I pay mind to not make it a FOCUS....

[penelope13]

I can't explain it any better than this: for an exchange of ideas/philosophy/activities etc - I don't require emotional exchange either, although I'm sure even in those contexts most people consider me compassionate. However for friendships it's never really about what we do nor talk about - however HOW we talk about things and the emotions we share. That is what sets my friends apart from the rest of the people who I listen to, give advice, spent time with: exchanging emotions. That what makes them precious to me (and the other way around).

 

But enough of that: WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT/CHANGE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

[renewing]

Honestly, I see nothing wrong with her feelings of wanting to be warned before someone comes over. It's really interesting to me that most people on this thread see her feelings as robotic or strange. Her boyfriend showed up at 3am and texted her goodnight, like he was going to sleep. If I had a boyfriend that did that I think I would get scared!

 

That being said, I do think 'dropping by' is something that isn't always rude. It can be sweet or cute that the person was thinking of you and had to see you. I'm surprised that people on this thread think it's normal behaviour to do this though. I would find it annoying if someone always just dropped by out of the blue because the chances increase that they'll catch you at a bad time if they do it very often.

[Doc Blaze]

did you read the whole thread...if not then maybe you should...if you did you def missed alot of points..its has become deeper

[Loveandlost]

OP, ever notice how every song about friendship isnt talking about having someone fun to do stuff with, but someone thats there for you and knows you will be there for them through thick and thin. Now you have said that you try to be there for your friends, but do you ever let them be there for you? thats a big part of it.

 

eventually we all need somebody to lean on

[Realitynut]

Funny, how after all these pages, i've become very sad for the OP. I'm beginning to feel her pain....even tho she's not...

 

 

[NymphaeaLilly]

I've been tracking this tread from day 1 and never got around to reply so this'll be a long post but I just had to write this down.

Till page 23 OP got on my nerves with her strict boundaries and IMO stupid rules, and than I read her reply on page 23 and I couldn't stop myself from getting a teary eyes and finally my emphatic side resurfaced.

 

 

I understand anger....and I understand worry/stress.....happy.....

But attachment to another person? Not really. Like I said I dont miss people....if they're not around or busy....I just move onto the next.

.

 

I dont live through anyones emotions but my own. Just because someone is sad doesnt mean Im then sad too.....I might feel bad that they're sad....and will talk with them or try to make them feel better...but it doesnt change my mood.

 

And than you write...

 

Lack of empathy towards others--you guys here would say yes...I would say nope

 

You don't know what empathy really is (your parents never showed it to you so it's understandable you don't know what it really means)...it's not "pat on the shoulder" or you listening for hours and nodding...it's when you place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling, you feel sad if your friend is sad, you feel happy when they are happy etc

 

About your friends...you are setting the rules of the friendship and you've been doing it all wrong (if you meant to form a deeper connection).

Like this...

 

I dont ever want to be clingy...or have someone feel that Im clingy. That isnt an attractive thing.

 

Do you honestly think that YOU (who are ALL about independency and you never let people forget that) could EVER appear clingy???

 

 

I generally dont ask for help unless I REALLY need it....as to not be needy or always relying on others.

So even more frustrating that if they ask for a favor, I help out. I rarely ask for anything and when I do they cant come through.

I just stop asking---why continue to go through that and be disappointed----I then step up and just take care of things on my own not looking for favors from anyone.

 

In that department I'm EXACTLY like you but over years I realized that in this situation I was the problem!!! It doesn't seem logical, right? Well it is! People are used to me not needing them and even when I ask for help I do it in a very nonchalant way just to not appear weak if they reject me. And of course they'll reject me when I ask it in that way (in essence human kind is lazy and selfish). I'm sure you do the same thing, and the only thing different is that you do it to not appear CLINGY or whatever...

 

 

 

No one seems to have noticed that the OP's steadfast refusal to budge on ANY issue is why people consistently give up in her other threads. She has an answer for everything, and will not even consider other sides or viewpoints, or the potential that she needs to make changes - so why is everyone expending so much energy? You've all tried - hard - to get through to her, and that's commendable - but the OP needs to want to make changes in her life, and then seek out professional help in order to facilitate those changes.

 

This is example how people just give up on you. You send off a vibe of a person who won't be moved by ANYONE!!! It's easier to leave you than to "fight" you.

 

 

Im looking for people who want to do fun things

 

just dont dwell on my stuff because its supposed to be fun, and people want to be around people who are fun, and laugh and enjoy life and are up for anything.....

I say up for anything as in if a friend said they wanted to go to a rodeo...Id join them....not my thing, but am up to go and do whatever, wherever.

 

I have those "friends for fun" but they are just for that - FUN!!! Why would I check on them on regular basis and be interested in their crises if all I expect for them is fun?

Noone is expecting you to be fun all the time and when you do that people just forget you are also human with its problems.

 

 

But this really gets me worried...

 

I do struggle....but I also dont really cry or get sad about things.

When my BF left when I thought i had cancer.....I didnt really cry....I just picked up and kept moving along....trying to enjoy things and live life.

I have a cat.....I leave her every day to come to work....or for a night or two to head to my BFs place.....I dont miss her. She is a cat. She is fine, she has food....Ill see her when I get home. Its not a big deal.

 

You seem so detached from all of the emotions...it's like you life as a mathematical problem to be logically solved! That's not...for the lack of better word - normal!!!

I'm not trying to give you a diagnose...but I have to say that it seems like you have alexithymia...read about it and see if it apples to you.

[HDC80]

Penelope13----I dont just sit and chat with my friends about their emotions. Ill ask what is going on in their life----but I dont generally follow up with 'how does that make you feel?"....that seems very much like sitting on a shrinks couch.

My friends tend to share what is going on with them and also share other details.

 

You asked what we talk about----and I gave you a run down.

We also talk about the relationship that they're in---and maybe what is or isnt working.....or where its going to lead.

When a friend goes through a break up----Im usually the one offering to come over with Ben & Jerrys at any hour if thats what they need....Im typically the one who keeps checking in----not just in the 2 weeks following, but long after to see how they're doing with it all. I also try to amp up invitations to do stuff to various things to get them into a new routine.....or at least out of the house.

 

Im unsure exactly what anyone else does for their friends other than listen, and spend time doing things together.

 

LoveandLost---Yes, I generally tell them things that are going on with me, but typically dont dwell on myself (dont want to come accross as self centered or selfish)---so generally I ask what is going on with them....what is happening in their life...and if the topic comes back to me will give a brief synopsis about whatever they're asking (job, family, relationship)----but either swap back to them, or other social topics.

Also keep in mind that most everyone in my life has walked away....so it can be difficult at times to trust someone will be there to lean on should I need them to be there.

Ive had those moments, and people have just failed me.

 

Andrea---yes I do feel that I could appear clingy...independent or not----if I ask for too much or too often....or lean too much, they could feel that Im asking too much of them and stop being there if I needed them. I tread carefully to be sure that they dont feel that Im using them, am selfish or self centered.

 

Ive asked for direct help and have been told no.

Be it a ride to the airport....or a ride home from the hospital.....Ive said...hey I have to fly out in 2 weeks, do you think you could give me a lift? Ill cover gas and tolls! And directly been told no.

Yet that same person, asked me for a ride, and I happily obliged....because that is what a good friend does.

 

My parents dont have friends---and they do everything independent---even their own stuff (like my mom she doesnt have my Dad attend important doc appointments with her)---and they told me that you shouldnt need someone to hold your hand through everything----you should be able to do most things on your own...that makes you a strong person.

 

I have a pretty tough time grasping....everyone has their way of doing things----why not let them do things the way that they want? It always seems people are trying to tell me to adjust how Im doing things....that its not right, etc. Its one thing if there is a 'smarter' way to do something-----but it all comes back to people do what works for them and they're comfortable with.

I accept how my friends do things, and work with them witnin those perameters (such as I have a friend who HATES bars...so I know to hang out with her, a bar is going to be the LAST thing she wants to do...so I suggest dinner, or a game night at my place, or a movie, or a museum)----I dont harp on her for not liking bars....I find ways to spend time with her that work for HER.

 

I dont just talk to friends with heavy issues.....I have friends to have fun...and I also check in with them regularly about their lives as I care about them....and their lives. Otherwise, I wouldnt even spend time just having fun with them. Those are just people you know---if you just go out for a few drinks with them.

 

I took a look at alexithymia...while its interesting, and I took an online test found on google....I dont think it applies hard enough to be something to head to the shrinks office and inquire if I have it.

[EssexMan]

I dont just sit and chat with my friends about their emotions. Ill ask what is going on in their life----but I dont generally follow up with 'how does that make you feel?"

 

No, I don't think many people talk about emotions with their friends quite that directly or analytically, at least not most of the time.

 

I generally tell them things that are going on with me, but typically dont dwell on myself (dont want to come accross as self centered or selfish)---so generally I ask what is going on with them....what is happening in their life...and if the topic comes back to me will give a brief synopsis about whatever they're asking (job, family, relationship)----but either swap back to them, or other social topics.

 

Might they think you are being secretive, or stand-offish? Sure, nobody likes somebody who talks about themselves all the time. But equally, they might actually be interested in hearing more about you and your life, and grow closer to you if they did.

 

Ive said...hey I have to fly out in 2 weeks, do you think you could give me a lift? Ill cover gas and tolls! And directly been told no.

Yet that same person, asked me for a ride, and I happily obliged....because that is what a good friend does.

 

Maybe you regard them as more of a friend than they regard you? Their outright "no" seems odd, unless of course there was a reason they couldn't give you that lift.

[HDC80]

If they ask me questions, I answer...but generally they dont ask much. They'll ask how my job is and Ill say oh its going fine working on this project....not really much more there.

 

I believe that you dont just share randomly, as people feel that you're then taking charge of the conversation, or that you could be talking about something they dont want to hear about. I wait for the question to respond about myself....

Such as I ask how someones weekend was...they'll tell me all about it. If they dont ask about mine, i dont just start telling them about mine.

 

The outright no isnt about there being something else that is preventing them....typically its a 'I dont like driving to the airport', or 'you'd have to come to me to make that work' (when going to them would then create money for a cab, or parking issues....both of which are trying to be avoided by having the friend give me a lift)....so when that happens, and options are discussed and dismissed...it just becomes easier to have a cab/car service come.

 

I tend to ask well enough in advance to not put someone out....with said example of a lift to the airport.....to eliminate it being a hassle, or that someone will be unable to due to conflicts in schedule.

[EssexMan]

I believe that you dont just share randomly, as people feel that you're then taking charge of the conversation

 

Why shouldn't you, sometimes? If it's interesting, of course. And you can make it about them, as well as you. Hey, a really weird thing happened to me today...(explain weird thing)...what do you think of that?

 

or that you could be talking about something they dont want to hear about.

 

If they're not very interested in a particular subject, they just won't show a lot of interest. It's not a big deal.

 

The outright no isnt about there being something else that is preventing them....typically its a 'I dont like driving to the airport', or 'you'd have to come to me to make that work' (when going to them would then create money for a cab, or parking issues....both of which are trying to be avoided by having the friend give me a lift)....so when that happens, and options are discussed and dismissed...it just becomes easier to have a cab/car service come.

 

Is it fair to say, then, that they haven't actually refused...they've just said they'd prefer not to do it on the exact terms you proposed, and they've suggested a compromise instead?

[Doc Blaze]

My parents dont have friends---and they do everything independent---even their own stuff (like my mom she doesnt have my Dad attend important doc appointments with her)---and they told me that you shouldnt need someone to hold your hand through everything----you should be able to do most things on your own...that makes you a strong person.

 

 

and what is your opinion about your moms comment?

 

do you think a lot of where this stuff is coming from you have learned through your parents?

[HDC80]

if someone says I dont like driving to the airport in response to asking if they can take you to the airport...that is a no.

Im not asking people to go at insane early hours.....nor to drive very far out of their way (they need to come maybe 5 miles to get to my house and then go to the airport) Im pretty courteous when asking someone to do me a favor to not put them out much....making it even more annoying when people cant seem to help out...ever...yet I help them all the time.

 

My opinion about how my parents operate?....not juts my mother, its both my parents.

Thats their relationship. It works for them...they've been happily married for 41 years. They must be doing SOMETHING right to not be divorced.

 

They would always speak about others who were dependent....or who couldnt stand on their own two feet, and would say how those people were weak....and that standing on your own two feet is very important....

 

I hear and see people speak about how their spouse or significant other is their whole world....and I dont believe that is a healthy lifestyle. You have to have your own things....your own hobbies, interests....that person should ADD to your life but not be all that it is.

 

I think some of it is.....but its also what is seen as priority and what is accepted in my family.....they would rip me apart if I was leaning on someone...and would point out that it could fail and then what....and if it did fail---they would give a big told ya so lecture....and reitterate how its not smart to live that way....

[Batya33]

The airport example -I think that's among the larger favors to ask -it involves specific timing, often involves traffic-related delays, and with most airports having complicated security, it's hard to figure out sometimes where to drive into, where you can stop for unloading, and often having to wait even to pull into a spot (I'm still a non-driver and I know all this). I typically don't turn down an offer especially i f I'm traveling to see the person. I would ask if it were an emergency. Maybe you just meant that as a random example but since you posted more than once about it I thought it was appropriate to respond.

[EssexMan]

Im not asking people to go at insane early hours.....nor to drive very far out of their way

 

But again, this is your perspective on why the request is one they can easily accede to. Their reasons for wanting to do it a different way may be, to them, really strong ones.

 

I realise that doesn't help you get to the airport! But it may cast light on the "imbalance of favours".

 

I hear and see people speak about how their spouse or significant other is their whole world....and I dont believe that is a healthy lifestyle. You have to have your own things....your own hobbies, interests....that person should ADD to your life but not be all that it is.

 

I don't think many well-balanced people would disagree with this.

[HDC80]

I use the airport example because its one MOST people can relate to. Its a favor most of us need at one time or another.

While I understand what you're saying about traffic....security---I can tell you the airport here isnt difficult.....and these people have happily picked up and dropped off others---so its not like they just arent people who go to the airport because of the reasons they're giving me.

 

Another example of a favor----someone is coming over for dinner that Im cooking....and I realize I dont have any wine. I ask if they wouldnt mind grabbing a bottle and Ill give them cash when they arrive.

Ive had people CANCEL because I asked them to do this small favor when they pass by many liquor stores on the way to my house.

 

Essex...you're right---and its why I dont push the issue, understanding that the way they want to do things is what fits for them...and then having been told it wont work...I dont ask for a ride from them again...I instead figure it out on my own with out any help as then its a non-issue and Im not left screwed.

[pl3asehelp]

Another example of a favor----someone is coming over for dinner that Im cooking....and I realize I dont have any wine. I ask if they wouldnt mind grabbing a bottle and Ill give them cash when they arrive.

Ive had people CANCEL because I asked them to do this small favor when they pass by many liquor stores on the way to my house.

 

Those people were lying to you - that would never happen. Likely they wanted some excuse not to come in the first place.

[EssexMan]

Another example of a favor----someone is coming over for dinner that Im cooking....and I realize I dont have any wine. I ask if they wouldnt mind grabbing a bottle and Ill give them cash when they arrive.

Ive had people CANCEL because I asked them to do this small favor when they pass by many liquor stores on the way to my house.

 

Okay, that is extremely odd behaviour. The only possible explanation I can think of is that they are offended by your offer of cash...though most people in that circumstance would still pick up the wine, come for the dinner and decline the money.

 

Or could it be the way you phrase the request? Are you being rude without being aware of it? I don't know - I'm just trying to guess at explanations for something that is bizarre.

[HDC80]

They were on the way when I called to ask if they could stop.

[HDC80]

I called and said....hey...are you on you're way here? Im incredibly embarassed but I forgot to grab wine while out today and dinner is in the oven. Would it be too much trouble for you to stop and grab a bottle of white wine? I can give you the money for it when you arrive!

[EssexMan]

I called and said....hey...are you on you're way here? Im incredibly embarassed but I forgot to grab wine while out today and dinner is in the oven. Would it be too much trouble for you to stop and grab a bottle of white wine? I can give you the money for it when you arrive!

 

And what, exactly (well, I recognise it will only be a paraphrase) did they say to that? Did they give a reason for then deciding not to come?

[Doc Blaze]

so anyone according to your parents who ask for help or go through hard times is weak?

 

But why judge others..what works for other may not work for you..I know what your parents do def would not work for a lot of people...nor does being with your SO 24/7 work either.

 

I can see you a little bit shining through on what your parents have told you growing up...the walls ..the wanting to be independent...its exactly what your parents have been saying..not showing weakness...