Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

[Loveandlost]

Ok, you have attachment and love issues due to your parents, and abandonment issues from your friends and ex-friends with benefits. You have made this clear and I hope you can at least admit that.

 

does any of this sound like you:

Superficially charming

Controlling behavior, inability to trust

Tendency towards addictions and/or substance abuse

Violent, angry, frequently unreasonable behavior

Compulsive lying without remorse

Lack of empathy towards others

Compulsively self-reliant

Extremely self-critical

 

These are all symptoms of an Attachment Disorder, and they fit what you have described throughout this forum. Please at least talk to a professional about this for your own good and growth.. it is the logical thing to do.

 

And if you refuse to talk to anyone.. then you are going to have to work on these issues yourself.. i suggest starting small like a puppy.

[Unreasonable]

She already said she has been in therapy.

 

All the therapy IN THE WORLD won't help though if you refuse to adapt, change, and attempt to view the world through eyes other than your own.

 

I am quite positive that after 28 pages in this thread, very little is actually going to make a difference.

[Loveandlost]

Reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which infants and young children don't establish healthy bonds with parents or caregivers.

 

A child with reactive attachment disorder is typically neglected, abused or orphaned. Reactive attachment disorder develops because the child's basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren't met and loving, caring attachments with others are never established. This may permanently change the child's growing brain, hurting the ability to establish future relationships.

 

Reactive attachment disorder is a lifelong condition, but with treatment children can develop more stable and healthy relationships with caregivers and others. Safe and proven treatments for reactive attachment disorder include psychological counseling and parent or caregiver education.

[penelope13]

Ok - maybe let's leave the diagnosing to the professionals?

[LoveSoDeep]

This clearly says to me these are not your friends...I know a girl she's very nice....she sounds kind of like you always doing things for other people planning outings trying to have people over....and people go....but only when enough other people are there to make it fun...they don't go for her...it's sad. I can't put my finger on why people just don't want to hang out with her there's just something off about her...like she's trying too hard. A good friend should be calling you asking how things are with your new BF....if you mention a big trip they should offer a trip to teh airport....they should reach out for you.

 

 

These are circumstances not people....my best friend...she's like my sister we talk about everything we live thousands of miles apart yet still run a non-profit together I'd drop and everything and fly out to see her if she needed me...she constantly says she can't wait for me to have babies b/c she wants to be an auntie (non pressure! lol)....we can yell at each other and 5 minutes later be laughing and hugging......See what you listed was a bunch of random people from your life circumstances there's no connection there....of course maybe that wasn't your goal in making your list....what kind of connection do you have with these people...or just one of them? From what you wrote they sounds like aquantances.

[Loveandlost]

Not diagnosing anything just providing information, if she does anything with it thats up to her.

 

This thread is a obvious cry for help...

[Unreasonable]

I agree. Even a professional shouldn't be diagnosing through a message board.

[HDC80]

Superficially charming---Nope

Controlling behavior, inability to trust---yup

Tendency towards addictions and/or substance abuse---nope

Violent, angry, frequently unreasonable behavior---nope

Compulsive lying without remorse--nope

Lack of empathy towards others--you guys here would say yes...I would say nope

Compulsively self-reliant---yup

Extremely self-critical--yup

[HDC80]

The question was asked as for how I know these people---so I listed.

 

there are plenty of things that connect me to these people---through shared interests in hiking, to charity work. But that is very lengthy to go into and isnt really something helpful to this thread.

 

I guess then Ive never had a good friend----Ive never had people just call me to catch up or see how Im doing....or if I tell them about a trip they offer to take me to the airport.

I always reach out to others....generally they dont reach out to me, nor feel obligated to return reaching out to me after Ive tried them.

[Doc Blaze]

how often do you usually see your friends or hang out..do you keep up with them on fb..you ever text email anything..just call to say whats up...(outside of work)

[penelope13]

what have you shared with these people emotionally? - not what activities, or work, but what emotional interactions/experiences?

[Doc Blaze]

what have you shared with these people emotionally? - not what activities, or work, but what emotional interactions/experiences?

this.......

[HDC80]

Well prior to when I stopped reaching out when I grew tired of never hearing anything back....

It all depended on the friend.

 

Typically Id see my friends (as a comprehensive group) once a week. So Id do dinner with someone, or drinks, or go shopping.

 

I like things they post on FB....make comments...they rarely do so on mine.

 

I generally Email my friends daily----hey how are you? How was your tennis tournament last night? or Did you hear back on your grad school papers grade yet? or How did the big meeting in the home office go yesterday?

I generally txt during the week as well if there is something more specific like---hey what are you up to this weekend, if you're around want to grab drinks...go to lunch....see a movie?

If I havent heard from a friend via response to Email or txt for awhile Ill then call and leave a VM....hey! Havent heard from you for a bit, would love to catch up, give me a call when you have a second!

 

As for shared emotionally.....Ive been there when they've had breakups....helped to pick up those pieces....Ive seen them through promotions, laid off, family issues, apartment issues, money troubles, deaths of loved ones, other issues with other friends, eating disorders, obtaining degrees, house hunting for a first home

 

As for myself----

They've seen me go through losing jobs....family issues, money trouble, break ups, major health issues....

 

BUT----in those things Ive shared...they never offered to help, or that they'd be there if I needed them.....they didnt check in....or ask how I was doing, or look to include me in what they had going on.....I told them about this stuff....and it would quickly move onto other stuff.

I went to my cancer stuff alone.

[Heather Dawn]

She already said she has been in therapy.

 

All the therapy IN THE WORLD won't help though if you refuse to adapt, change, and attempt to view the world through eyes other than your own.

 

I am quite positive that after 28 pages in this thread, very little is actually going to make a difference.

 

THIS.

 

No one seems to have noticed that the OP's steadfast refusal to budge on ANY issue is why people consistently give up in her other threads. She has an answer for everything, and will not even consider other sides or viewpoints, or the potential that she needs to make changes - so why is everyone expending so much energy? You've all tried - hard - to get through to her, and that's commendable - but the OP needs to want to make changes in her life, and then seek out professional help in order to facilitate those changes.

[penelope13]

do you hug your friends?

[HDC80]

Sometimes....usually when they're leaving.

That isnt because Im not a hugger..but doesnt seem like they are the type to hug....so I dont attempt to.

[Loveandlost]

Have you ever felt love for anything? Grandparent, niece, a pet, a bf?

 

If so Have you ever felt the pain of losing this love?

 

Or did you always respond with a cold "things end, people die... Etc"

 

Trying to understand your emotional range

[HDC80]

I was 6 and 10 when the grandparents I was closest to passed away respectively.

I was really too young to understand....and my family is VERY practical about death----we all live, we will all die. Celebrate the life that was there, its not a sad event, its part of life.

My other set----I was never close to as they live in another country.....Grandfather died when I was 24.....grandmother I didnt know well at all and her brain has been dimentia for 5+ years....

 

As for other family----I wouldnt have a niece or nephew as Im an only child.

I have 3 cousins on each side.....never really knew any of them...so never close, never saw them but maybe once a year for the ones that live a town over....and every 5 years for the ones in another country.

I didnt keep in touch with them other than those interactions----so no phone calls or Emails or anything.

 

I had pets----well my mom had a cat that had to be put down when I was 7.

I had a guinea pig that died when I was 10...and 2 hamsters that died when I was 11. I enjoyed their company----but they too have short lives as they're animals.

 

For a BF----I was upset when the relationship ended but mostly due to the fact that the person I spent most of my time with was gone and there was a large amonut of alone time I wasnt used to.....but with that in a week or so would adjust to it and get used to it and just pick up and move on. What else can you do? Crying isnt gonig to get them back....same as death---crying isnt going to bring them back....so you recall the happy times and trudge on.

[penelope13]

So you don't hug anyone (besides your boyfriend) when they are happy/sad or you are happy/sad etc?

 

do you express your emotions in front of your friends - especially the POSITIVE ones?

 

Do you LIVE through the emotions of your friends and vice versa?

 

I can talk about all sorts of emotionally related things (such as responding on ENA) without being emotionally invested (after all I don't really know anyone in person).

 

However, what sets my friends apart is that I experience their emotional responses WITH them.

[Loveandlost]

Are you happy with your life like this? You have clearly stated that the reason for the way you interact with others, the controlling and emotion distance are because of how your parents treated you. From the way that you describe it though it seems you know what your parents did was wrong, and yet you are repeating their behavior. Theres a big difference in wanting to change or not, and its hard to tell because when you get defensive it seems like you do not, but when you talk about how your past has affected you and how you know it wasnt ok, you do.

 

Basically you are in your low 30s you are an adult and you have it within you to define who you are and what kind of life that you want to live. Do you want people to view you the same way you view your parents, or do you want to be better then them.

 

In the end its a choice you have to make.

[HDC80]

I dont reach out to hug someone just because Im happy....my friends arent huggy people----so that would be weird to just jump out and hug them...happy or sad.

If my friend is sad.....Ill sometimes pat their shoulder...if they seem to want/need a hug Ill give them one (side note---generally when talking about tough stuff its on the phone so hard to give a hug)

 

I generally dont show them sad emotions. Dont think any friend has ever seen me cry. They see me happy, smiling, having fun (since typically we're out doing something)

 

I dont live through anyones emotions but my own. Just because someone is sad doesnt mean Im then sad too.....I might feel bad that they're sad....and will talk with them or try to make them feel better...but it doesnt change my mood.

[HDC80]

Im not happy with the way that friends seem to easily forget me or forget to include me----but Ive tried every approach I know (and ones suggested in therapy) and nothing has changed.

 

I stopped reaching out to allow them the time to come to me....2+ months and didnt hear so much as a whisper.

 

I would reach out for something specific or with a timeline of response time----that didnt prompt anything different.

 

Ive told my friends how I feel several times and that I would love to hear from them or be included/invited to do things.....nothing changed.

 

So its not of my lack of effort or trying different things----I have tried numerous ways, and nothing has shown that it provides results or change....

Ive tried changing myself, but that too didnt give the positive results that I wanted.

[Loveandlost]

I can empathize with that, its hard to form lifelong bonds with people, its rare and they are usually formed when we have the least to lose.. childhood. You have described yourself as independent throughout this thread.. so what are you looking for out of a friend? You mentioned in another post you have a bf because "thats what adults do".

[HDC80]

Most everyone I know has friends from childhood that they still have today. So they have that person who KNOWS them from way back and all that they've been through.

 

Im looking for people who want to do fun things.....who will come out when its my Bday or even look to put the plans together.....people who are interested in me and my life just as much as I am in theirs.

[Unreasonable]

No one seems to have noticed that the OP's steadfast refusal to budge on ANY issue is why people consistently give up in her other threads.

Oh plenty of people have noticed. DN was the one of the first to call her out on it. The thread was basically useless at that point and still is. Whatever 'help' this girl needs, she's not gonna get it here if it's simply a medium for arguing. I wonder if she argues with the whole world in real life too?