Showing up at my house.....and I wasnt happy about it and he got pissed

[Seraphim]

The reason people have found it easy to leave you in the dust is because you have left them in the dust from the get go. You have not invested emotionally in them. I am sorry you did not learn attachment and love. That is a hideously sad thing. However you must admit then that your social interactions and how you want them played out are not normal and this is why you have to keep rebuilding your friends set and romantic set.

[HDC80]

DN----3 relationships not working out spanning from the age of 22 to 31 isnt something that is out of the norm.

 

I held onto relationship #1 for 2 years longer than I should WAITING for him to take some action to do SOMETHING other than live in his parents house and not have a job.....I was patient....then it grew thin REALIZING he would make no movement forwards...even after I left him it took him 3 MORE years to finally get a job.....he STILL to this day (5 YEARS after the split) lives in his parents house.

 

Relationship #2....we were fine.....until it imploded DUE TO HIS CHEATING. People cheat...for whatever reason....I dont then assign that to myself....that would make any person nuts....and anyone who has been cheated on blames themselves...I wont take that on----he CHEATED...he made a choice to do that...that is on him.

 

Relationship #3....he didnt seem like an alcoholic....though it became clear over time that all he wanted to do was go to the bar, hang out and drink. He didnt have varied interests...and after 3 years of promises to do different things, and try out new stuff...he didnt come through. We argued because of it....and things ended.

 

LavenderLove---Yes I like to have set plans. Big deal.

I do in fact SHARE food----I always cook for more than just myself should my roommate come home and not have eaten yet....and I always have snacks in the house should someone CALL to say they're in the area.

As for the share money comment....I usually happily take out my friends....or take them to concerts I have tickets for NEVER LOOKING for them to pay me for them....also see how I typically drive, never asking for gas money or parking money when we go out.

I also generally buy rounds...and they RARELY return the favor.

[Doc Blaze]

Random question

 

 

so if your boyfriend say surprised you with a big dinner/candles everything for say your b day but you had no idea he was doing this at your place...if you walked in and saw this ..what would your reaction be?

[LoveSoDeep]

So Im used to the having people----then they fade out----have to build and start over---repeat....repeat.

Its actually why I try to have a very diverse and spread out amount of friends-----so Im not hanging out with just one friend all the time. I rotate who I spend my time with regularly as to not wear on any one person and 'overstay' my welcome.

I dont go through life thinking anything is perminant. I think things are much more transient and moving.....nomadic. Ive never had anyone stick by my side...so why would I think anyone would? Ive always had my own back, no one has had mine.

Ive learned not to miss people when they leave....and how to pick up and move on, on my own when I feel that I need to fill where someone else used to occupy time.

The only frustration I really have is that they're generally not the same way with me, and with all the giving, and caring----it generally doesnt tip back in my direction.

I can get to a point where I have nothing left to give either because nothing has been done back in my direction to fill my reserves....so in general I feel taken advantage of.

So sometimes to keep that balance....I keep it very even. Afterall....they'll fade out. They always do. Friends typically at a 5 year rate. Relationships at the 3 year.

I just wait for it----because it always happens.Then I just start over again. Meet new people----and hit the 5 yr and 3 yr cycle

 

My parents never showed love for me...it always had to be earned, and was taken away when something I did was wrong.

 

My mother told me on Xmas 2000 that she never wanted kids....but it was too late along to get rid of me. This is further illistrated by the 2 pictures of her pregnant...and angry faced.

 

I understand anger....and I understand worry/stress.....happy.....

But attachment to another person? Not really. Like I said I dont miss people....if they're not around or busy....I just move onto the next.

Ive never had a best friend.

 

Ive relied on myself and myself alone my whole life. If I wanted to do something, I went and did it alone...never looking to join something with a friend to at least know one person....or a friend joining to 'have my back'....so rather than miss out, I adapted to go to and join things alone.

 

Its always been easy for people to leave me in the dust, so I dont feel I matter much to anyone to begin with...while it still hurts, Ive become accustomed to it and just accept it....what else can I do other than adapt?

 

Because of these things, I find it hard to view anyone as someone who will be there, who has my back, who wants to be around for the long haul. I have no examples in my life of any of this...so I look at and view life as something to handle on my own...because if I rely on them, they either dont come through....or when they leave, Im left high and dry to handle it on my own. So easier to just handle it on my own ALL the time

 

The parts I bolded really hit me. I wonder if they occurred to you as you typed them? (That happens to me often) Honey, it's apparent that you have abondonment issues and that is so tough. I'm so sorry you've had all these losers in your life give up on you but until you have faith and trust that someday someone will stick around it's going to be a self fulfilling prophecy that just goes in a vicious circle.

 

Honestly your call before coming over rule is not that out of whack...people are just taking that and tryig to find something to blame...really your guy was a little miffed at the time and left in a huff but it seems he's over it and just wants to forget about it and hat's fine as long as you can both forgive....but please look at your own comments above....reading that it just accoured to me that you try so hard to be the opposite of clingy that somehow that pushes people away. Sure at first it's great that you are so easy going and want him to have time with the guys but eventually he says "Darn I wish just once she'd be disappointed that I can't see her." Every once in a while a little pouting over spending the night without your guy shows them that you really do want to be with thim...your independent aditude and constantly saying "no it's fine I don't need to see you" has to get old....don't you think?

[Seraphim]

People want to be needed. If they're not needed and loved they go away. And why shouldn't they ?

Who wants to live like that?

[HDC80]

Doc----If you were talking some random night----and I wasnt expecting it....it would throw me off completely and i wouldnt be prepared-----likely I probably would have already eaten and then feel guilty that I wasnt hungry for something he prepared (had I known he was doing that obviously I wouldnt have eaten before coming home)----or it would be a night Im out running errand and dont get back till 930/10pm.

 

When you use the Bday example----I ALWAYS have my Bday plans in place and do all the planning, inviting and arranging on my own----as people generally forget my Bday....so to make sure something happens, I just pull it together myself.

 

LovesSoDeep---I see what you're getting at....but I never had friends as a kid either----so I have no idea what its like for someone to have my back....and through life either....so why after my entlire 32 years of being on my own and having this happen would I then assume someone would be there for me? They never have before. Also why would I take on that risk that I would rely on someone and the one time I really needed something they wouldnt deliver....I dont want to be moving and have them say they'll help then not show up and then I cant move as I dont have movers scheduled.

 

I dont ever want to be clingy...or have someone feel that Im clingy. That isnt an attractive thing.

Shouldnt he know I want to be with him and am supporting his being with the guys....why would he be disappointed that Im not pouting??

Its a matter of not having him adjust his wants on my account.....if he wants to hang out with the guys....it would be selfish to pout about it.....or to look to have him not go because of me.

I dont want to be seen or thought of as selfish.

[Heather Dawn]

Random question

 

 

so if your boyfriend say surprised you with a big dinner/candles everything for say your b day but you had no idea he was doing this at your place...if you walked in and saw this ..what would your reaction be?

 

Great question.

[penelope13]

For me this sounds like severe emotional trauma in consequence of emotional neglect and emotional abuse during your childhood. You have coped with it by emotionally keeping yourself distant from other people in order to protect yourself from potentially more hurt and disappointment. This is all very understandable and all very, very sad.

 

You will need to learn how to healthily and safely build emotional connections, how to take emotional risks, and how to discern when it's safe to emotionally invest and when not, as well as how to handle being disappointed. - These are difficult things to learn for anyone during life, but more so of course for someone in adulthood with no previous exposure. Thus would you consider professional therapy or consulting a life coach in order to help you with this? You can only benefit from that.

 

I don't believe you are doing anything out of maliciousness or lack of care - but because you are trying to protect yourself so much that you are essentially cutting out all the fun and enjoyable things about friendship, love, life.

[EssexMan]

When you use the Bday example----I ALWAYS have my Bday plans in place and do all the planning, inviting and arranging on my own----as people generally forget my Bday....so to make sure something happens, I just pull it together myself.

 

Perhaps people don't do anything because they know you will already have made arrangements yourself?

 

why after my entlire 32 years of being on my own and having this happen would I then assume someone would be there for me? They never have before.

 

Again, perhaps because you have your life structured such that you never need them, and thus they don't really have an opportunity to be there for you.

[Seraphim]

I agree 100%.

[DN]

DN----3 relationships not working out spanning from the age of 22 to 31 isnt something that is out of the norm.

It is when these are approximately three year relationships with others in between.

[HDC80]

People are just generally diappointing. They dont come through, they bail, its not important enough to them....Im not important enough to them.

Im there for them 110%.....and make sure to care, and be there, and give, and not let them feel that they're not on my mind or lacking importance.

 

But when it comes to them acting that way with me...they fail.

Understood there is ebb and flow....but when keeping on giving and giving...and rarely getting back....or when I stop calling/Emailing and they dont notice, nor reach out on their own----it doesnt make me feel that I even register to them.

 

Ive had people bail on too many important circumstances....but I make sure to be there for whats important to them.

 

I have been in therapy....and while it was nice to talk about this stuff, changes didnt really occur.

I was told to confront my family about how they treat me....but I know it wont change anything----so what is the point? I would gain all this stress, and anger from them....most likely be closed out and left behind....and what do I have to show for it? That I said something? That is meaningless.

 

I know how to have fun on my own....Im not an unhappy person. Im just used to doing stuff on my own....and not waiting around for someone else to go to do somethign with me. Why miss out? Because of someone else? No thanks.

[HDC80]

Essex----last year I didnt put plans out there---no one even ASKED if anything was going on for my Bday.....

So I pulled it together very last minute....so Ive tested the theory to see if they would do anything when they didnt hear abotu plans...they didnt.

 

They dont know my schedule.....I purposely DONT talk about my plans to see if they include me or ask me along.

 

DN---there are no relationships inbetween....when I wasnt with anyone I had random dates but not say a month relationship here or a 6 month there....

[DN]

Relationship #2....we were fine.....until it imploded DUE TO HIS CHEATING. People cheat...for whatever reason....I dont then assign that to myself....that would make any person nuts....and anyone who has been cheated on blames themselves...I wont take that on----he CHEATED...he made a choice to do that...that is on him.

Well, this is a common error.

 

Yes, people cheat because they can't control themselves and, as I have consistently said, cheating is wrong and is inexcusable. But that doesn't mean that the person they cheated on should not look at themselves and see if there was something they were doing or not doing that may have prompted their partner to cheat. For instance, if a partner were emotionally withdrawn, not supportive, sexually inhibited or unavailable, these may have been things that the cheater looked for outside the relationship. Does that excuse cheating - no, it doesn't. What they should have done is try to fix the problem and if that didn't work leave and then find someone else. But the fact thay cheated doesn't erase the behaviour of their partner that prompted that cheating nor does it justify it.

[LoveSoDeep]

All I can say is if you've never had it how do you know it's not better than what you have? It's so great! I feel kinda sorry for you that you don;t have famly that's there for you...I think that's how I learned this was important...my siblings are always going to be there for me and my bff she doesn;t really have family and I love that I can always be there for her....You need a friend to really be there for you to show you what it's like. I get it...it is a HUGE risk and it's scary but you need to trust that someone will just always be there for you.....If you don't believe that why do you even have friendships and realtionships? Doesn't part of you (no matter how small) just hope that this time it'll be different and they'll stay? If you had resigned that it would never happen I think you'd have given up and become a recluse.

 

I know clingy is never attrative and I'm not saying you need to be seen that way but as others have said...it's always important to feel needed....good parents cant take it when they leave thier baby the first time with the babysitter and it cries...that's b/c they love the baby and feel like it needs them...lol I feel th same way only slightly less dramatic when I leave my dog at the kennel to go on a trip....hmmm maybe you should start with a pet. So that little hint of sadness when a guy says "Sorry I can't have dinner with you on Friday I made plans with the boys" while it may not change his mind or his plans...it just makes him feel wanted.

[HDC80]

I dont know that its not better----but I think it leads to bigger hurt and disappointment.

 

Friends at this point have too much else going on in their lives----other friends, work, relationship, family, obligations.....they're not going to have that kind of time.

 

The moments Ive let it go and have trusted someone is there for me----is exactly when they typically leave me in the dust. Time and tim again when Ive let go, let my guard down and actually had the thought 'wow I have someone I can rely on in my life' they've typically gone MIA or given me a dear John letter shortly after.

 

I bother because being completely alone isnt healthy either....so I keep trying, hoping something will stick and finding that it doesnt....so Ive just become very adapt at rebuilding and getting myself out there...not sulking and crying on my boot straps....I pick myself up by them and keep moving along.

 

My parents had NO problem leavaing me. They didnt spent a ton of time away from home...but my crying and pleading, was told to be quiet.

They had no problem dropping me off at summer camp for 8 weeks when I was 12. Stuff out of the car, barely gave me a hug and left.

They really had no bother when I went to college. Dropped stuff off, and left......they made fun of other parents who were having a tough time leaving, or were upset. They didnt want me to come home!

 

I have a cat.....I leave her every day to come to work....or for a night or two to head to my BFs place.....I dont miss her. She is a cat. She is fine, she has food....Ill see her when I get home. Its not a big deal.

 

But Id be lying by putting a hint of sadness into my voice that he is going out with the guys on a Friday night.....my voice would sound happy as Id be happy he was spending time with people he cares about and has plans with them.

[LoveSoDeep]

Exactly it can lead to a bigger disaapointment but it also leads to better, deeper, healthier relationships.

 

It's not about time really with adult friends...my best friend lives thousands of miles away but she's still there for me we e-mail every day...if I text or call I know she'll make time for me. We talk through everythng and we really care how things are going in the other's life....Someone has the time to be that person for you....and you deserve to have that.

 

Hmm it is odd that people seem to leave just after you start to rely on them...obviosuly there's some change when that happens but it may not be you....maybe you fall for people who are deep down just unavailable and they feel safe with you b/c they don't think they will ever have to be responsible for your happiness (which by the way they should want to be responisble for your happiness)...then the second they get a hint that you could be going deeper they bolt.....it's not uncommon at all for people with abandonment issues to fall for unavialable men.....

[HDC80]

Im not specifically referencing men.

Im thinking of the last few girls that I thought were close to being my first best friend.

The moment I thought wow, this is great, they ended the friendship. I never said anything to them about being my best friend....or about feeling good or comfortable.....

 

Most people around here----have friends. They have people they spend time with, and arent looking for someone new to add into the mix.

 

I think ones self is responsible for their own happiness...it shouldnt be coming from another.

 

I dont know----I just know that there arent people in my life i could call in a crisis.....they wouldnt answer, or call back, or check in.

[EssexMan]

I'm not sure how it's happening, but maybe giving off this vibe...

 

I think ones self is responsible for their own happiness...it shouldnt be coming from another

 

...is the reason that this is the case:

 

I just know that there arent people in my life i could call in a crisis.....they wouldnt answer, or call back, or check in.

[HDC80]

Ive had a few crisis....and can tell you that I called...they didnt answer or call back or checkin

[penelope13]

One of the things you may consider: most people expect an emotional connection (be it friends or partners) much earlier than you, so it's possible by the time you feel comfortable to open up a bit more, they are somewhat disappointed it didn't occur earlier (like in their other interactions) and they decide to move on at this point. You may want to consider, with a few people, to let them in on our struggles, so that they may understand better where you are coming from.

 

If I didn't know that you are emotionally struggling, I may decide to invest more time, energy, emotions into people where I get those things back from them from the beginning, since we all have to be kind of prudent with our limited resources and energies.

[HDC80]

That also means rought conversations that arent supposed to be part of a developing friendship. The start is supposed to be fun, light.

No one wants to hang out wit the sad girl.....the girl with all the problems and issues.

 

Generally I invest in the other person.....getting to know them...their life---their struggles and am supportive to them.

 

But when it comes time to return the favor they're MIA

[EssexMan]

That also means rought conversations that arent supposed to be part of a developing friendship. The start is supposed to be fun, light.

 

There's no "supposed" about it. Friendships can develop in all sorts of different ways.

[camus154]

Generally I invest in the other person.....getting to know them...their life---their struggles and am supportive to them.

 

But when it comes time to return the favor they're MIA

 

I think this cuts to the heart of the matter right here. At heart, you feel like you give much more than others give back. So in turn, you've developed a mindset that relies on people as little as possible.

 

Maybe you could spend some time reflecting on all the things people have done for you. Maybe jot down a list, including everything you can think of, no matter how trivial.

[LoveSoDeep]

That also means rought conversations that arent supposed to be part of a developing friendship. The start is supposed to be fun, light.

No one wants to hang out wit the sad girl.....the girl with all the problems and issues.

 

Generally I invest in the other person.....getting to know them...their life---their struggles and am supportive to them.

 

But when it comes time to return the favor they're MIA

 

We're not saying you make a 180 degree turn and become sad all the time but you have to let it out when you do feel sad....maybe the first friend you need to be able to talk through all these issues with is a therapist....They love listeneing to the "sad girl".

 

You are apparently investing your time and efforts into the wrong people....a good person would no t do this to you just take, take, take and never return the favor....although I almost suspect that you wouldn't let them either b/c that would be giving up some control.