@ X-Road: Thinking about leaving my 3 year boyfriend for someone more stable...

[Kalika]

Hi ENA,

 

I am writing this finally because this issue is literally haunting me every single day for months.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now and we get along pretty well in just about every aspect. However, during a breakup which only lasted a few weeks, a really good friend of mine asked me to date him. I have known this guy literally since I was 13 (I'm almost 30 now) and we have been best friends throughout that time.

 

Ever since my friend "M" asked me out, I have been thinking about what it would like to be with him. This has continued even though my boyfriend and I got back together. My boyfriend is fun to be around, loving, etc. but he has lots of financial/personal issues which make me think that long term I would be very unhappy with him. This sounds horribly shallow, but he barely makes a living and has lots of debt and I am growing more and more resentful at having to support him. He is also not extremely intelligent and in all honesty, sometimes the things he says in public can be very embarrassing. He is what most people would describe as a "nice kid" but probably no one takes him seriously as a man. He tends to be very goofy and silly and does not command respect from people. This has caused him problems personally and at work. People don't take him seriously. Long term, I assume I would end up having to support him financially and I am starting to not really see him as a "man" because he doesn't act like one and certainly, I could not see him being "man of the house" so to speak. Despite these things, we get along pretty well, have a good time together and my 9 year old son really loves him. He is also not very generous and tends to let me take care of him all the time which really annoys me and is turning me off.

 

Conversely, my friend "M" has a fantastic career and he has been completely independent from the time he was 18. I get along with him quite well and if we started dating, he would be the first guy I have ever dated that's actually doing "better" than me as I tend to date guys that are Works in Progress and not guys that are stable in their careers, mature, ready for commitment, etc. He is a really nice guy but I don't know that we would get along as well. The other issue that I have to mention, although it sounds shallow, is that I'm not really super attracted to him. He tends to have problems with his weight and that is a turn off to me. He can also be slightly boring. Despite that, I think we could make a really good couple as we communicate really well, we have the same goals and values, etc. and he's very generous and honest. I also think that the things that make me happy are extremely important to him and that he would go very out of his way to make me happy.

 

Recently things have been coming to a head with my current boyfriend "S". We got into a big fight a few weeks ago and it resulted in him moving out and me changing the locks, but he still comes over here and we hang out. I have told him that I want to get married and possibly one day have more kids. I have even told him that I was asked out and that I am thinking about going out on a date with M which he was very upset about. (I have also told M that I can't date him right now since I have unresolved things going on with S and I didn't want to hurt him, which he understands and thanked me for).

 

I just honestly don't know what to do. I feel like if I don't stop seeing S, I may never be truly happy and have what I want out of my life, and that if I choose to stay with S, I may honestly regret it for the rest of my life. The problem is, if S was stable and if he "grew up" he would be my perfect guy. I just don't see it happening.

 

This has been super long, thanks ahead of time for anyone that reads this entire thing.

[annie24]

I think you've been really unhappy with your bf for a while and don't see a real future with him. M sounds more suitable for you as far as you describe him. I would break up with the bf for good.

[blueidealist24]

I think you should break up with S, especially in light of that recent fight, but not necessarily jump into a relationship with M. Sounds like you could need some time alone to figure out what you really want in a relationship.. whether it's the guy with the good career or the funny guy or what. The relationship with M might NOT be exactly as you fantasize it to be, either.

[Lambert]

I can relate to your situation. I was also in a similar situation. I ended things with my "S". it was hard and took a long time.... It's messy when you have been together for so long. There was a part of me that loved him and wanted him to change... just like you said... but he couldn't. He would stay away for a while and then come back again. it was so frustrating. He didn't want things to end but he would not change, he didn't even get how I felt. I know what you meant about being embarrassed and not really see him as the "man". I didn't always feel that way about him but once I did, I kind of realized I was wasting my time. Once you lose respect for a person, it's pretty much done. I didn't end up with my "M". Its years later now and he is married to someone else. We had our own challenges and by the time we were in a position to be together, he had met someone else and fell for her. We are still somewhat friends... I still think the best of him and always wish him well but that's really it. I guess that is the bittersweet part. I don't regret ending it, I think in a lot of ways, my "M" just appeared in my life to show me, that there are other kinds of guys out there. And I am happy to say, most of the men, no all of the men I have dated since were more successful and more what I am looking for than my ex "S"

 

I think you know what you want. You just have to have the courage to go after it. It's not easy to change or take chances but worth it. I don't regret ending things. "M" gave me that glimpse into something else and I wouldn't go back to "S" for all the tea in China.

 

Good luck to you.

[nutbrownhare]

It looks like your current relationship is doomed to failure in the long term; in relationships where one person is doing most of the giving, it's just a matter of time before they start to resent it - and it looks as though you've reached that point. You are also being realistic about 'S' changing in a way to suit you - it's just not going to happen.

 

Rather than starting to date the other guy, finish your current one and let yourself have at least a couple of months without a relationship. Let yourself know that your life is full enough and rich enough not to need one, and if it isn't - then use it as a space in which to find yourself. Then ask yourself if you really want to date 'M'.

[Ms Darcy]

Break up with S for the love of Pete. This is like thread 4 about him in the past couple of years. You are unhappy and he's not capable of giving you what you want. (I say that with all kindness! You are really unhappy with this guy fundamentally.)

 

Be single for a while and think about what you want in a partner. It may or may not be M.

[redswim30]

I would break up with "S". Doesn't sound like he is going to change. And fundmentally you don't think you'll be happy with him, why stick around ? He's not going to miraculously change.

[pl3asehelp]

You have to cut contact with M if you plan to stay with S. Break up with S and you can talk to whoever you want, but it's not cool at all to be talking to guys that want to date you and calling them 'friends' when they've clearly indicated a romantic interest.

[Kalika]

Thanks for the advice everyone.. I know what I have to do. I broke it off with S after a few long conversations. I told him I want a future but just don't see one with him. Today is my first day without him and I'm extremely lonely here. If he was here with me, we would have been enjoying the day together.

 

M has been contacting me this weekend to try to get together but I have been ducking him. I really don't know if I want anything with him. I just keep thinking about how stable he is, and that makes me feel like a horrible person, because I don't know if I really want to be with him or if I just like him because he's stable.

 

Anyways, I appreciate the advice so far.. thanks everyone..

[SudoMB]

Be kind to yourself.

 

As soon as I heard you say the word 'resentful', I said to myself there wasn't much to work with. Once you start resenting someone or something you either have to let it go, or work on yourself as to why that feeling has come up.

 

Often it's a combination of both.

 

Stay strong, take the time to find out what you truly want. Stability is a big reason for some in a relationship, so don't beat yourself up over wanting that. It's just as important as good sex for some and it's not shallow. This isn't Hollywood were "true love conquers all" *gag*, this is life!

[abitbroken]

If M is a little boring and you are not attracted to him, don't leave S for M. Break off clean with S and be by yourself for awhile. M might have been what you needed to see that you can't continue with S but it doesn't mean you need to be with M either. Just be honest with M that you are still seeing S. let the breakup run the course it needs to run without any threats of you saying you are dating someone else. M might be ready for commitment but if you are not really that into M...does it really matter?