Dating a younger man from online dating site

[rapunzel]

Would it be so awful if I wished HIM a happy new year? Via email of course, he's out of town until the New Year (and yes, this is absolutely verified). I mean, we've had three dates....maybe he's wondering why I don't contact him. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything rash...like email him...without some serious thought.

[lavenderdove]

Of course... did you respond to the last text he sent? The etiquette is that if he sends a nice one, you respond back... but you might want to wait until new year's day because it is not actually new year's yet... lol.

[rapunzel]

He emailed me on Christmas eve to wish me a merry Xmas. I emailed him back on Christmas night, as I was busy with family - we had a nice email conversation that ended kind of flirty. I will be going out of town for New Years Eve and day and will not have email handy (no smart phone). He's still active on the dating site, in fact - he is online right now.

 

In our last email conversation he sent the last email that I did not respond to (that did not require a response but was funny). He has left me hanging on other email convos so I figured this was OK. Always leave 'em wanting more...

[lavenderdove]

Are you sure that 'active' doesn't just mean he is online on his computer? Many websites store a cookie on your computer that shows you as 'active' every time you log onto the computer and internet even if you're not on the website at all. So 'online' only means he has his computer turned on and connected to the internet and the cookie has informed the website that his computer is active.

 

and he may have taken his laptop with him when he went to visit relatives. many people take their laptops everywhere they go, especially if the will be out of town for a while.

 

one other problem is this: while you're busily checking to see if he's on the webiste, you're on the website yourself and he could be busily checking to see if you're still online there too... when does that end? You really need to communicate rather than assuming anything. He said he'd contact you after the New year, and that is perfectly reasonable. If you want to send him a New year's greeting then do! And when you do date him, ask him what he wants out of dating... to be exclusive or date a bunch of people at the same time?

[Nattersmatter]

Originally posted by Nattersmatter:

 

Good for you! But ...then why the heavy petting? And - question - has he ever tried to push things further when in that situation?

 

No clear answer here. Four years of near celibacy, perhaps? I highly doubt he's posting on internet sites wondering if he took things too far, yet I, as the female, must fret and worry as I am ultimately responsible for the pace and success/failure of the relationship. I am judged by what I do, how fast things go, and he is just allowed to be a full human being. It's OK, it "is what it is" and I can't do a damn thing about what already happened.

 

You may doubt he's feeling guilty and regretting it but that doesn't make it true. My husband showed amazing self-control under heavy duress (mega-chemistry) when we first met. It was obvious he was extremely keen on me physically as well, yet keeping a respectful lid on it. Once we'd become properly established as exclusive and committeds (at his request and instigation based on my behavioural encouragement (positive responsiveness)) I asked him how come he'd managed never to 'push it'. He told me he could tell from the start that what we had was special and he therefore didn't want to risk ruining the relationship through giving me any idea whatsoever that he secretly knew the window of opportunity for getting sexual was smaller than he was otherwise busy making it out to be. He said, "I just knew you were the one for me and that we were going to have our whole lives to bonk our faces off, or certainly a good couple of years at the very worst, so - where was the rush?" Plus, of course (because everything is co-created in this context), he'd ALREADY when he'd let his hand get a little bit too close to my bum cheek during a snog, got that 'Oy, you - don't be such a Mr Sl*tty Sl*t-Sl*t from Sl*tville, where's your self-respect (ha-ha)?!' response, which, he said, had made him worried about whether he'd given me any cause not to totally trust him.

 

A nice guy with honourable intentions will take *your* cues, in other words, be they given bodily or verbally. So you're right that by having allowed such heavy petting you'd set a precedential starting point. HOWEVER!! - there's a huge benefit in the fact that he's neglected you/circumstances have forced this break. It affords you the wonderful opportunity of behaving, the next time you see him, like you've become alienated from him to the point where you feel like you're back at Date One and behaving accordingly (Ta-daaa!) (IOW, you can revert/switch to acting all coy). So this enforced break with its lack of contact might ACTUALLY be a huge favour from fate rather than something to get upset over.

 

Personally, I suspect you're unwittingly trying to rush and gain guarantees because your prior relationship is, despite your best will and intention, still making you over-wary of potential failure and rejection and whether this lowering of contact is a bad sign. My advice would be to try harder not to rush - which includes NOT having "The Talk" with him ('Where is this going, are you serious, yadder-yadder") or anything remotely like it. Let the poor bugger enjoy the Honeymoon bubble if that's what's going on. It'll pop in its own good time without you prematurely sticking a pin in it. Meanwhile, guessing whilst feeling nervous, the intrigue and challenge, is part of the excitement of what should in one respect at this early stage be a fun game/expedition. Also, were it me, I agree with you that I would *not* wrest what is his prerogative during the wooing stage when he's already proven he's more than capable. This stage of the game is about him impressing *you* when it comes to dynamism and proactivity (aka being the go-getter), meaning it's his job to "serve the balls" over the net at you, and yours only to return them and return them befittingly and just skillfully enough to aid and encourage him to maintain a rally of impressiveness. When he's nearer finishing his performance as has you starting to accept his outright request or hints and action-based-indications that he wants you to be his exclusive girlfriend, THEN you can start sharing in the serves. Still, saying that, ideally - as one of those hints that he's ready for you to become Steadies - you should wait until he makes some comment (or wee whinge, LOL) about how nice it would be if you were to be the one to ring him occasionally.

 

He has a brain, a mouth, hands, legs, etc. and has spent his whole adult life taking credit and pride for everything he's so far achieved. So he doesn't need your help to woo and chase at this point. Or he certainly shouldn't. But, yes, although we can't know whether he is for a fact on that specific site or, if he is, whether this is actually any cause for concern rather than him just replying, 'Thanks but no thanks' and/or just chatting/bantering for the novelty and fun of it in response to any incoming mails from that site, what *will* be an inarguable acid test is whether he wants some form of contact with you on New Year's Eve thus 'goes gets it'. It's the perfect excuse and opportunity, being as how it brings to mind those you love (or are in the process of falling in love with), as proves they're thinking of you when Thinking Of Yous is outright called for. If you don't, therefore, hear a peep or a peep especially for you (rather than some Round Robin), I'd say it's game over OR he's not the sort of game partner you should be wasting your time over.

 

xoxo

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks EssexMan - I wish the playing field were level for both sexes but in reality, it is NOT. For you to date an 11 year younger woman is perfectly acceptable, no one lifts an eyebrow nor worries that your woman may find you undesirable at some point (although certainly it is a possibility, as is anything)...so YOU, as a MAN have far greater options than I as a WOMAN. If my guy was 56 - 65 I would not even be posting here....

 

Haha, I am glad that the fact that his gal is 11 years younger than him didn't slip past you!

[EssexMan]

Thanks EssexMan - I wish the playing field were level for both sexes but in reality, it is NOT. For you to date an 11 year younger woman is perfectly acceptable, no one lifts an eyebrow

 

Are you worried about eyebrow-raising?

 

nor worries that your woman may find you undesirable at some point (although certainly it is a possibility, as is anything)

 

Indeed, anything's possible, including the possibility that this worry of yours is unfounded! I know it's still perceived as a little unusual for a man to date a substantially older woman, but the reality is that (a) in your case the difference isn't substantial and (b) lots of men don't care about age at least within a broad range, while a perhaps surprising number positively prefer women older than themselves.

 

My concern here is that you may be allowing something that is very likely a complete non-issue to loom disproportionately large in your thinking about the potential relationship. It may be obscuring other issues that - whether good or bad - could be more important in making it work or not work.

[Nattersmatter]

while a perhaps surprising number positively prefer women older than themselves.

 

Yup!

 

xoxo

[Ms Darcy]

I will have to call you out here. Why is it then when you are interested in a guy, if he leaves, then the immediate thought is that he's a hit/run artist etc? What if he just loses interest? It IS only three dates after all.

 

You have allowed yourself to meet guys and not be interested in them. Why not give him the same leeway?

 

Just remember that some people can get physical with people early but not necessarily want to settle down with them. So if you are introducing fooling around early and he loses interest for any number of reasons, then you are setting yourself up for more hurt.

[rapunzel]

No, I don't know that. I just assume he is logging in and out of the dating site. I am sure he has either his laptop or his smart phone with him. I have a fake profile with no photo and chose anonymous browsing so I can look and no one knows I am looking. And actually, no he did NOT say he would contact me after the New Year.

[rapunzel]

@Nattermatters: My computer doesn't let me multi-quote for some reason and I'm trying to get out of the house so will keep it quick. I have decided I'm not going to contact him....thank you for the advice. Admittedly I am battling these feelings of shame and regret for getting too passionate too soon and your reply did not help but I forgive you. I am also feeling some frustration over the fact that I, as a female, am still subjected to these fears that I "moved too fast" at my tender age. He is not sitting there worrying that he moved too fast, instead, I must worry that he is judging ME for the same. Egad. Obviously I don't play the game all that well...as I am single. ( I was in a serious relationship several years ago with a man who wanted to marry me, but I pulled the plug on that for valid reasons.)

 

But you are right, this cooling off period and absence may indeed be a chance to recapture what sort of moral high ground I've conceivably lost (and a more liberal mind about the sexes could try to argue this point). Yet your approach seems slightly calculated for me....I will certainly fail at being coy and unavailable in order to try to capture his heart. A Rules girl, I am not...although I will say I will NOT pursue him and if he wants to see me at this point, he will have to contact me. So thank you for that!

 

The ex-guy who broke my heart once lamented that I never called him and once I did, he dumped me...so it seems sometimes you just can't win.

[rapunzel]

Thanks EssexMan, no I am not worried about eyebrows raising. Also, thank you for the reminder...

 

Oh and Ms Darcy, you are right...I was just using a phrase someone else used earlier, "hit and run". It doesn't mean he's a "player" but for me, it would be surprising if he lost interest after those dates. Anyway, I can only control myself, not him. He may just decide I am not for him, and if we continue seeing each other, I may decide he's not right for me. It happens all the time, in fact, it happens MOST of the time in dating.

[Nattersmatter]

@Nattermatters: My computer doesn't let me multi-quote for some reason and I'm trying to get out of the house so will keep it quick. I have decided I'm not going to contact him....thank you for the advice. Admittedly I am battling these feelings of shame and regret for getting too passionate too soon and your reply did not help but I forgive you.

 

Don't be such a daft 'nana, LOL - you don't have to feel BAD about the fact you got clinchy?! For starters, you don't even know it's had any effect, let alone detrimental! The point is only to ensure that if the relationship *does* come to an early and unexpected halt, you - as you have to sit watching it either slowly fizzling out or suffer a giant jarring and screeching of the brakes - hadn't beforehand mentally superglued yourself to it and him via the massive bonding mechanism known as sexual intimacy whereby that unwanted outcome floors you instead of what you should be doing, which is nonchalantly shrugging your shoulders with a philosophical, Que Sera attitude of "Neext...!".

 

If you want the god's honest truth, I have seen that there lays a certain critical degree of interest in a relationship itself and then, on top of this, in you specifically over all others, which, when reached, means you can make as many ruddy mistakes as you damn well like and that fella is not going to let ANY of it matter to the point of actually calling it quits (save for stabbing him in the eyeball with your steak fork over the restaurant table, of course, ..and other extreme stuff like that, LOL... - I'm talking blunders, bloops, blurts, failures to act within reason, here, not unignorably unhealthy or totally antisocial attitude and behaviour). And the same goes for you forgiving him his little mistakes, as well.

 

So, yes, he could have lost interest due to something completely out of your control, like something about your lifestyles not being compatible enough in the longer term in his eyes, or maybe having decided he wasn't ready to face that level of vulnerability so soon (the more instantly they like and get excited by you, the more likely it is the still war-weary and wounded could be headed for "scary love/war" again) and that's why he's having another look to see if there aren't any *less* desirable women available with whom he's therefore going to feel less emotionally carried away and out of control(??). ORRR, he's sat wherever he is, completely ignorant of all this negativity going on over his failure to contact you because he took it that you were such a cool, chilled lady you were bound not to be bothered about not hearing from him for a "piddly" week during just this exceptional period, meaning, were he to realise it, he'd be mortified!? (...although that would suggest a bit of an insensitive clod who too easily takes things for granted, would it not).

 

You won't have lost any "moral high ground", though. (How could you when most men are total tarts? LOL) (sorry, boys - consider it a compliment ;-)). It's not sleeping with a man quite quickly that's frowned upon. It's when you sleep with them as if sex were your CURRENCY - i.e., the attitude of, now you've slept with me you have to be my exclusive boyfriend and treat me like this, this, this, and this, and at this time and that time (achtung und schnell!!) and if you don't you're in the wrong and a baaaad person.... like they've somehow bought ownership of you and simultaneously sold themselves into your slavery, wherepon on goes the ball and chain. See the difference? So it's not about moral prudery on my part (you're joking! - who, ME? - don't make me laugh! it's ONLY BECAUSE you, specifically, have clearly bonded that bit too quickly, as well I can work out - from the fact you mentioned the physical so many times plus were using his ardour as a measure and justifier as to why he should likewise be more bonded to you - that having been semi-intimate so early on HAD DEFINITELY had an affect on your strength of feeling for him. So *IF* being intimate affects you as much as it seems to (or any woman), *then* you/any woman should accept you're that type and note to exclude or tone down that level of intimacy next time.

 

You have to include *some* "calculation" in the game. Otherwise, you'd end up a slave to your rasher side. Although, saying that, I don't see how you *wouldn't* feel alienated and less ready to share anything more than a quick snog after such a giant pause (?). It's about GUIDELINES. Guidelines only become rules if the context proves they should be. Capiche?

 

The ex-guy who broke my heart once lamented that I never called him and once I did, he dumped me...so it seems sometimes you just can't win.

 

If you're going for "a man-any man", then, no - you can't. You have to decide what type of man you WANT first. Do you want one that will play the traditional male role when it comes to being the main mover and shaker where concerns the jobs he's best suited to or someone who'll encroach into your gender territory as much as you, his? I think your actions prove which: despite you began by enlisting your learned habit of believing yourself as equally within rights as him to do the pursuing and chasing, look what happened when he suddenly went all gung-ho on you and took those reins completely: you LET HIM, and perfectly happily. Right? Your feet have spoken, if you ask me ...and (apart from Cheese, LOL) they say you want a MAN who'll treat you like a WOMAN. Am I right or am I right?

 

If I'm wrong, then - fine - you go ahead and ring him on NY Eve. But just because you've decided you want a "new man", that *does not* mean he wants a "new woman". Again - you have to go by the clues *his* feet were providing. You said, and I quote, At the third date, he started acting a bit more "alpha". Did he seem to be thoroughly relishing that total control or did you detect any begrudging-ness? Answer that and you're a good way to working out what type of women *he's* after.

 

xoxo

[rapunzel]

Wow Nattermatters, excellent writing skills have you. Thanks, that was fun to read....not to mention helpful.

 

Anywho, no word from Mr. Exciting yet. I have to keep reminding myself I met him only 21 days ago. Just three weeks. So I'm pulling back the reins in my mind and heading out of town overnight to ring in the New Year. Also, I've decided to stop focusing my premature romantic desires on this person I barely know and to try to "date like a man"... so I wrote to two more men I found attractive on the site. He will see that I was active, which is fine, he's been on there EVERY single day since he went out of town for a week. And yes, I do think he has been actively searching for other potential ladies on the site, not just logged into his computer.

 

If he does contact me and wants to see me later this week, I do wonder how to negotiate the date...I would almost like to think it's like our first date...since I barely know him and it could be two weeks since our last meeting.

 

Again, that is IF he contacts me. I'm going to ride this one out. It feels like "calculation" as I'm a friendly, open person and normally would love to reach out and wish him a happy new year. Yet I have to remember that I am the one who made the initial meeting happen, I pretty much pursued him in the online setting (which I think is different and more acceptable than pursuing a man you meet in "real life") and it would be unseemly and most decidedly UN-attractive to continue to pursue him now that we've met in the flesh. Speaking of flesh, he knows I find him attractive so I'm letting this go, with 2012.

[lavenderdove]

If you don't want to end up in intimate encounters, then make sure the date is somewhere they won't happen. Plan to go out rather than hanging around your place or his. I definitely would avoid inviting people into your place or going to his until you are ready for some intimate contact. Especially with online dating, until you are sure he is who he says he is. If he's always wanting to meet at your place, then a good chance you can't go to his place because he has a GF or wife!

[rapunzel]

I've been to his place, we watched a movie there after dinner out. He is definitely divorced with kids, I saw their room. Yes, perhaps it was too soon and it ended up in passionate making out. Seven (7) days today with no contact which says to me, especially since he's been on the dating site all week, he's not that interested or he's freaked out by the intensity, or he's trying to fill up his calendar with other possibilities from the site so as not to give me the wrong impression by concentrating on me, or __insert excuse here__. I've already written to another interesting guy I found on the site so we'll see. That made me feel better...and honestly, I'm not all that broken up about this. I will be mildly disappointed if it doesn't work out. Such is the nature of dating.

 

My gut feeling is that if I don't get a Happy New Year greeting, I might as well chalk this one up. I will say, if that is indeed the case, that it was fun while it lasted!

[nutbrownhare]

Just remember too that people who are not shallow are in relationships for things other than just looks. And people who are really in love stand by their partners though disease, age, and disfigurement and still love them and choose to be with them. So if he's a shallow person shopping mainly for good looks, then good riddance. if he's a decent guy who wants to love his partner on multiple levels and isn't just after the young flesh, then he will be interested if you do have a lot in common and click. So time will tell! but don't add an extra load of anxiety on top of everything else by worrying about a 6 year age difference. It really isn't enough to matter if he really is into you. and if he's not, then better off gone!

 

This ^^^

 

If he's as good a guy as you think he is, his 'hunter' instinct won't come into play. There's more to relationships than looks. When you get to over 40, six years isn't a significant age difference - certainly not the way it is between 12 and 18! I'm over 50 and still get plenty of attention from men; they really don't care! You haven't met that many times and he's probably just taking things easy rather than being predatory, given that he's still on the dating site. If he doesn't contact you over the New Year period, then let it go. But I bet he does!

[Nattersmatter]

Wow Nattermatters, excellent writing skills have you. Thanks, that was fun to read....not to mention helpful.

 

Anywho, no word from Mr. Exciting yet. I have to keep reminding myself I met him only 21 days ago. Just three weeks. So I'm pulling back the reins in my mind and heading out of town overnight to ring in the New Year. Also, I've decided to stop focusing my premature romantic desires on this person I barely know and to try to "date like a man"... so I wrote to two more men I found attractive on the site. He will see that I was active, which is fine, he's been on there EVERY single day since he went out of town for a week. And yes, I do think he has been actively searching for other potential ladies on the site, not just logged into his computer.

 

Well, thanks for the huge compliment but I can't be *that* articulate or you - a lady at heart - wouldn't still be talking about being the contact initiator towards these other candidates (booo!).

 

Pairbonding is a process led by *nature*, not society's structure-based needs. Society and consciousness have been moulded as well as fast-shunted by technological progress, granted, but the hard programme that runs pairbonding *hasn't* - it's a proven fact. Underneath it all, we are still in that respect, anywhere from cavemen and cavewomen to mediaeval.

 

The implications that stem from a man getting the chance to strut his stuff during what rightfully is *his* allotted spot on the stage, are vital and widespread despite either forgotten or poorly appreciated these days. He's getting to prove to himself as well as to you that he has what it takes to be an excellent captain to you and all your yet-to-be-born mini-shipmates (that uniquely take well over a decade to nurture themselves), because once they're born and in their most critically susceptible condition, you will be indisposed, leaving only *him* as the one free to go out and hunt and gather, patch up the cave and fight invaders (and put the bins out). It doesn't matter whether or not you ever go onto have kiddies together. The process has evolved to suit childbirth and childrearing (because that's pairbonding's prime PHYSICAL/PRACTICAL reason despite we have a joint need - the spiritual - to unite with our 'missing' half.)

 

You imagine what would have happened to the human specie if the Selectors, the women, had over-focussed on the thrill of chemistry and thereby forgotten to permit any candidate to show he was fit for the uniquely long mammalian contract within which featured being able to always provide food, shelter and protection, throughout, and during all occasions where his co-captain wasn't capable?... or, god forbid, thought somehow she was taking some brilliant privilege for herself and doing him some sort of favour by meddling in the man's turn in the spotlight on that stage? That family unit would have perished and along with it all its future generation of units ...and this would have been occurring to too many other units at the same time. Now factor in death from diseases (once animal husbandry had begun), accidents, infertility, 'infant death syndrome', murder and genocide by rival clans, famine, etc., and barely any kids from any unit would ever have survived long enough to attain sexual maturity from whence to keep re-generating themselves.... EXTINCTION.

 

I know kids aren't a consideration for you, but where this masculine-version nurturing skill comes in - what if you got seriously ill and couldn't do a thing??? Proactivity, responsibility and reliability, etc., get applied to *many* more facets of living than sticking around doing your duty long enough until the kids' wings start to properly function and they fly off from the nest. Even where concerns the "small stuff" like him remembering it's his job to take out the bins. No tiny pebble in the shoe stays feeling tiny if it gets to irritate on a never-ceasing basis. It can end up crippling you. And considering this is a three-legged-race - you fall, HE falls. Splat!

 

And what about the man? How would you feel if he started meddling in or mutineering your own feminine rights and duties? Answer: practically useless... not really needed for much of anything.

 

Maximise your chances for success given every opportunity to do so. Don't look gifthorses in the mouth just because people in whose heirarchal-role-given interests it is to get agendas-served via you behaving like a man (and earning company revenue/paying taxes) told you it's not a gifthorse. And success starts with a successful Honeymoon Bubble where it's just you and him on that stage. ONCE the bubble dissolves somewhat and life's minutae comes back in to take over again, the pair of you can NEGOTIATE skill/duty-swapping if you so wish. But at least by then you KNOW which are whose duties irrespective of any mutual favours.

 

Trust me... because I always knew the theory so the only reason why *I* meddled in that most vital part of the process rather than applying said theory was *precisely because* I knew by doing so I would ultimately be scuppering the relationship's chances to be as smooth-running as possible and thereby *lastingly* successful ("Phee-eww-ee! That was close?!"). I wanted HALF a relationship. There ain't no such thing... which is why they never ultimately worked (and felt crappy meanwhile). There is all of a relationship - downsides as well as benefits - and there is none of a relationship. Berb-bom. So having *finally* accepted that I had to choose One over None and then do it properly,... properly is what I did... used the successful formula. And that is why for the first time in my virtually serial-dating (soulmate-searching) life I finally am with a partner who is a REAL MAN and the relationship has sailed through every milestone hurdle and exceeded even my wildest expectations.

 

Aside from swapsies/helpsies where needed or fancied, I'm doing my jobs, he's doing his jobs, the division as an overall package is fair - everyone knows where they stand and is happy.

 

You can read every single human user manual out there as much as you damn well like but if you ain't gonna do what the manuals say, you may as well wipe your bum on them and, whilst you're at it, may as well stick a banana into your VCR tray (- ooh, showing me age!). "It'th not woooor-kingg! / Did you read the manual? / No?! I don't neeeed to reeeead the manuuuual / Well, evidently you do OR evidently you need to *want* your clever little gadget to work, eh."

 

I iz an *ex* control freak. Certainly where romance is concerned. Ah have seeeen deee light, chil'ren!

 

So what I'm saying is only (ref that fab kids' story) this: "Not *now*, Bernard". Let them show you what they're made of, first...specifically, the stuff it takes to lift their own fingers when it comes to their own motivations, desires and gains and retainments. And don't date "like a man". Date like a woman wearing a unisex dating outfit accessory (Multi-Dating) that men also happen to wear (diff/diff).

 

...Or don't. Stay in your strictly feminine garb, which means no NEED for lots of other eggs in your basket to stay calm and confident. Just decide to BE confident that you're so perfectly desirable just because you're a woman of a certain type for whom there are men of a certain type, gauranteed, who'll clock you and go, YUM-YUM!, that you can just "wait" in full sight of them until fate inevitably plonks one of them into your inbox [careful!], that even your "horrid" love handles and "fat" tummies are a turn-on (as well as fun to squidge) to men who want to date women not lady-boys!

 

It's up to you, that bit.

 

 

.................unless, of course, by 'wrote to' you meant because they'd winked or written to you first (in which case, I've just exercised my wriggly digits unnecessarily? LOL).

 

 

Yes, it *is* fine that you've been active. You wouldn't have been had he kept you too busy and happy with *him*, meaning, if he didn't want that end result to happen he had all the levers and buttons already at his disposal and should have used them, eh! Plus, it shows you're a hot commodity worth fighting for. And men do apparently adore having to have a 'scrum' with other men for the ball- I mean wild boar- I mean woman. ;-)

 

I do wonder how to negotiate the date...I would almost like to think it's like our first date...since I barely know him and it could be two weeks since our last meeting.

 

If you mean what I think you mean - something like this:

 

Him: "So... your place or mine"

You: "Er.................... Actually, ...I've been cooped up for the last x days (housework and other boring crap).. I was rather looking forward to getting out and about?..."

 

If he fails to respond to that cue and pushes:

 

You: "Well, if you're so not-in-the-mood for going out, would it be better if we just waited until you feel more sociable?"

 

*Nicely* refuse to back down, in other words. If that doesn't work, THEN tell him straight how you feel about it.... because you need a guy who can take a cue and hint, as well, remember?... and fyi, WHERE you go is usually the lady's prerogative.

 

Again, that is IF he contacts me.

 

If he truly felt in any way like you were "his", even potentially, and he sees "his" woman putting herself where other men can "steal" her from him, he will. If he'd written you off for some unknown practical or self-protective or under-readiness reason, it won't bother him and he won't lift a finger to change it.

 

I'm going to ride this one out. [as the actress said to the bishop, LOL] It feels like "calculation" as I'm a friendly, open person and normally would love to reach out and wish him a happy new year.

 

He ain't your friend. He ain't your mum, your dad, your granny, your cousin or your regular milkman. He was POTENTIALLY going to cease being a stranger and job candidate. Emphasis at this juncture on 'was' until proven otherwise.

 

It is a calculation... a self-control tactic. But only because what *should* be second-nature to you has been subliminally, culturally brainwashed out of you.

 

Yet I have to remember that I am the one who made the initial meeting happen, I pretty much pursued him in the online setting (which I think is different and more acceptable than pursuing a man you meet in "real life")

 

Nope. It still sets a tone and precedent. (Again - mainly traditional man or mainly new man?)

 

...and it would be unseemly and most decidedly UN-attractive to continue to pursue him now that we've met in the flesh.

 

Absolutely. Imagine if, for example, a man giggled and tittered at you from behind his hand and false lashes and sat there like a lemon in the passenger seat waiting for you to open the car door for him? Mmm, sexy! I'm *well* turned on at that thought, aren't you?

 

Speaking of flesh [again he knows I find him attractive so I'm letting this go, with 2012.

 

Fortunately, this here particulickular fish hails from a very far and wide-spread genetic 'clan', meaning, there are lots more like him out there, and likely readier to know and appreciate a good thing when they see it.

 

"This one isn't working, I'd like a replacement unit, please, shopkeeper?" (I take it you still have the receipt? LOL)

 

xoxo

[rapunzel]

Will respond to that very lengthy post from Nattermatters when I have more time but I'm out of town...just wanted to say that said desired person of the opposite sex contacted me at the last minute....phew, got an email from him today...so all is well, or at least, I feel content...and yes, happy. I was feeling happy anyway as I'm doing something fun but this was nice icing on the cake.

 

Happy New Year to all for now, and more later!!!

[Batya33]

Will respond to that very lengthy post from Nattermatters when I have more time but I'm out of town...just wanted to say that said desired person of the opposite sex contacted me at the last minute....phew, got an email from him today...so all is well, or at least, I feel content...and yes, happy. I was feeling happy anyway as I'm doing something fun but this was nice icing on the cake.

 

Happy New Year to all for now, and more later!!!

Glad to hear he contacted you! Happy New Year!

[Nattersmatter]

Will respond to that very lengthy post from Nattermatters when I have more time but I'm out of town...just wanted to say that said desired person of the opposite sex contacted me at the last minute....phew, got an email from him today...so all is well, or at least, I feel content...and yes, happy. I was feeling happy anyway as I'm doing something fun but this was nice icing on the cake.

 

Happy New Year to all for now, and more later!!!

 

I don't suppose it had a thing to do with him having seen you active on the dating site? ;-)

 

Before I say, WELL, THANK F-I mean, BRILLIANT!... Contacted you, HOW "last minute"? And was that to invite you to spend this evening with him? And if not, what/who did he say he was doing instead? And also if not, did he set a date for within the next few days or week? And (and-and) did he make any sort of apology for the prior paucity of contact?

 

xoxo

[lavenderdove]

Rapunzel, i have followed your posts for a long time since you were involved with your last BF, and i am so happy to see that you have put him behind you now and are striking out into the dating world. Your attitude is so much happier and better than before... just get out there and date and enjoy this guy and see dating as something that should be FUN and enrich your life.

 

I don't think this guy has done anything wrong at all so far, in fact he has been keeping in touch as much as one could expect over the holidays when he has just met you and is a middle aged professional man with other family commitments such as children. So enjoy! Just be yourself. You are a lovely thoughtful person and should try not to worry too much about everything you do. It is like trying to watch your feet when you dance... if you do, you will trip yourself up and not enjoy the dance!

 

If he's the right guy, he will keep coming back for more. If he isn't, then he's someone you had some fun dates with, and you should dust yourself off and just keep looking for more people to date. Just like every job interview doesn't lead to a job, not every person you date will be permanent either, but you should try to just relax and relate to him as a person and have confidence that you are old enough to figure out whether he is right for you or not. Just don't waste too much time worrying or that anxiety will affect your behavior, just like being too nervous on a job interview does. You are interviewing HIM to see if he is right for you, so remember that you bring a lot to the table and if it doesn't work out, you take your good self on to the next guy until one does really mesh just right for you.

[rapunzel]

I dunno. I responded to his 12/31/12 email several hours later, basically "mirrored" him - he indicated in the 12/31 email he would not have his kids as of tomorrow but did not actually come out and ask me out. He did start off the email sort of apologizing for being "off the grid" during his holiday week away. So in my response I jokingly said I would not have my kids either (of course, I don't have any). Now I'm waiting for his reply. He was active on the dating site this morning AND last night.

 

My gut is that he is looking for better prospects. I don't want to have an "exclusivity" conversation so soon as I think it is a romance killer and can often make people/men feel pressured. We hardly know each other, and yes, I gave into some instant chemistry/attraction and passion (of course, he being a willing participant) which I don't necessarily feel badly about but now I feel like "damned if you do, damned if you don't".

 

I'm damned if I decide at 51 years old to have fun, feel confident and go with natural impulses to kiss an attractive man passionately on the first date rather than be calculating and rigid and only let him peck me on the cheek. I'm damned if I don't, as I may go another 4 years without finding an attractive man I want to do this with. It's too late to put the passion back in the bag. If we go out this weekend, what am I going to do - suggest a day time coffee date and then go home?

 

I almost want to email him and say "hey, I like you and we had fun but I think we'd be better off as friends". I almost mean it. And I almost don't care. And you know, if I make myself unavailable, I become SO much more attractive. THEN he'll be chasing me. Ugh. Such a game.

 

Sorry, I guess I'm just a little depressed that he's still trolling on the site and I was thinking he'd be looking forward to seeing me again. He'll probably get in contact later today, I would guess. I just have to be patient, stop thinking so much and see what happens today/tomorrow.

[EssexMan]

I don't want to have an "exclusivity" conversation so soon as I think it is a romance killer and can often make people/men feel pressured.

 

But, it can also be extremely encouraging to him if he's interested in you and not sure to what extent you are reciprocating.

 

Of course, it's a slightly risky step, and doing it too early can come accross as unrealistic. But, speaking as a guy of your generation albeit not of the same country, I'd prefer it sooner rather than later.

[rapunzel]

I've responded to all of his contacts. He's interested but my sense and intuition is that he's still thinking there might be something better out there. I can't blame him for this, he barely knows me and my city is teeming with attractive, available women.

 

We're not going to have sex and start sleeping together as long as he is still active on the dating site. So if/when it comes to that point, I have to figure out how to say in a fun yet serious non-pressuring way that I am not willing to have sex with a man who is going to be sleeping with others, for both emotional and health reasons.