Dating a younger man from online dating site

[Batya33]

How old are you Batya...you don't have to answer if you don't want...but i have a friend in her late 30's and she's of the same mindset...but ya gotta realize...i'm 58....dammmm years old!!! Hell and gone from most people who are dating!!!

 

Yeah...even in high school...we all went 'steady'...we either had a 'boyfriend' or we didn't. There was NO dating around....none.

 

And when you went to prom...you went as a couple...or maybe a double date....

 

Years later...you went in these HUGE groups....just different times....

 

I never in my entire life had an 'exclusive' talk with someone. I mean...once i dated 3 guys at one time...but they didn't know it!!!

 

I'm 46. One of the reasons the conversation was essential was because by the late 1980s AIDs was becoming widespread and people needed to confirm that their partner wasn't looking for other partners (that wasn't the real issue for me until some years later because I was waiting for marriage when I was in my early 20s). But, yes, it depended where and how you met -if in high school or college then maybe you were an item right away but later into my 20s/early 30s it definitely required a conversation.

[Realitynut]

Oh yes...aids. I got married in 1987. And it was all the talk. I remember my soon to be husband looked at me, after hearing all these reports, and said, 'lets get married soon'.....lol

 

So i was getting married.....when the dating world was changing!!!! lol

 

25 years later....and i'm all confused! lol

[rapunzel]

Well, I'm really sad today....I'm such a hopeless romantic and it's not because it is Valentine's day. It just because I invested a little too much hope in this guy. So the next couple of guys are probably not going to get too far with me, it will take me some time to put this one in the past.

 

It's only been three days since we last had contact. Yes, I reached out one more time via email - with a light, funny reference to something - yeah, I know probably should not have but I did. He wrote back within a couple of hours, I wrote back the next day and then he AGAIN dropped the ball and disappeared. So with the way he's been behaving lately, I am done and am going to do the same disappearing act.

 

I know "this too shall pass" and certainly much faster than the last guy as I won't have to see him frequently as I did the guy before him. It just makes me sad that we could have so much fun together, that he could be obviously attracted to me yet now want to just disappear. Yes, HJNTIY applies here. If he was, he would not let me go. He is also NOT over his marriage and NOT over the relationship he had after his marriage. These two women came up WAY too much in the conversation. So I know it's for the best.

 

Today it just feels raw and I am not looking forward to dating other people but I realize I can't waste a lot of time mourning someone I barely knew.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm sorry you're feeling badly today; I have those days sometimes, too.

 

It's normal and human to get our hopes up, particularly when things SEEM to be going so well; nothing wrong with that. We want to be optimistic, and, even though it causes some pain sometimes, I think it's worth it to remain optimistic. People who have hopes for the future are happier and healthier than those who don't. It takes energy to be optimistic in the face of the crap life throws at us, but it's worth the energy!

 

One of the things that's hard is to stop all the thoughts -- to avoid getting bogged down in the why's and wherefore's of everything. We want explanations for why things happen, hence the "Well, I guess he wasn't that interested" or "He must be seeing other people," or "He must have just suddenly lost interest" kinds of things. While we think we're helping ourselves with these explanations, sometimes what we're doing is making ourselves feel worse. One thing that helps me is to stop and remind myself that, just as I am in my own head a lot and thinking about my feelings, what's going on in my life, etc., so is everyone else, and that the vast majority of actions other people take have NOTHING whatsoever to do with me. So, I've trained myself to start framing my thoughts in different ways. Instead of "He just wasn't that into me," I stop myself and think, "Maybe we weren't right for each other," or "He's not the right one for me." There's no judgement in these statements, no blaming anyone, no putting myself down needlessly. While I think the "he's just not that into you" thing is good in some ways, I think it's easy to take it personally and wonder "WHY is he just not that into me?!?!?"

 

I know you know this, but so much of what causes us misery is how we think of things -- and, in some cases, that we think of them at all. One of my favorite quotes is from Shakespeare's Hamlet: There is nothing good or bad but that thinking makes it so. Shakespeare, clearly, was a genius.

 

Can you try, maybe, to take a few of these thoughts and turn them around -- make them more positive, or at least more neutral? Because the truth is, we never know what's in someone else's head or heart unless they tell us -- and are 100% honest when they tell us -- so you are making assumptions about what this guy is thinking or feeling without any real evidence to go on. Yes, he hasn't askedy you out again. Yes, he responds when you contact him but doesn't keep up the contact. It's not ultimately about how he feels -- or doesn't feel -- about you. So, maybe, instead of thinking, "He's just not that into me," try thinking, "I'm disappointed, but it's clear that we don't want the same thing," or something along that line. It's crucial to acknowledge your disappointment, too -- so many people will try to tell you, "Aww, buck up! Don't feel bad! You have no reason to be disappointed." Or, worse, they'll tell you that the "cure" for your disappointment is to have "no expectations." Really?! I'd say that, for most of us, it's impossible NOT to have expectations - or at least hopes -- and disappointment is a part of life. So, embrace it. Say, "I'm really disappointed. I liked this guy. However, clearly we aren't on the same page, so I need to let it go and keep my eyes and heart open for someone who wants what I want."

 

I feel for you. One thing the whole catastrophe with my ex did for me was force me to learn to think differently. It's amazing how much lighter I feel. Hang in there.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry for how you are feeling. I do see how this can happen from the other side of it. I went on a handful of dates with someone once. I was sort, on the fence. But then it struck me that I did not miss him. I did not miss him when we were apart.

 

Emotions are a funny thing. Who knows why your feelings developed and his did not. But I certainly think these are the risks of dating. We naturally want the one we want and are hurt when their heart does not reflect the same.

[rapunzel]

Thanks browneyedgirl, that was really helpful. It really is all about the way you frame things in your mind. As I said before, I think it will sting for a little while but with no contact, I'll get it over it fairly quickly.

 

I was feeling pretty emotional yesterday and it still comes in waves (and probably will continue for a bit) but I think putting a positive spin on it in my thoughts is really a good idea. Something I often preach but when it comes to practice, it can definitely be a challenge!

[Realitynut]

Did he not even txt Happy Valentine's Day...crap...i had men i hadn't talked to in MONTHS txt me that...lol

The cad...

[rapunzel]

Did he not even txt Happy Valentine's Day...crap...i had men i hadn't talked to in MONTHS txt me that...lol

The cad...

 

Of course not! I did not expect any acknowledgement of the holiday from him. This is why I started another thread regarding men being spooked by V-day in the early stages of dating. That was me trying to make up other excuses for his behavior and now, apparent disappearance. I do think that men who are ambivalent and/or multi-dating will be careful - in the early stages, and with this guy it was just two months - to not mislead a woman by making any gestures on Valentine's day. I am one of those women who couldn't give a hoot about the holiday but I understand that a lot of the population does and a lot of meaning is thus attached to it.

 

My ex-boyfriend (who I broke up with 5.5 years ago) was the only man who wished me a Happy Valentine's day via text.

 

Younger hot guy is still present in my thoughts....but I'm feeling very motivated to get back on the horse and meet other people. I do have a date on 2/25 with another guy (50 y.o. - phew!) from internet dating...