Dating a younger man from online dating site

[rapunzel]

Not sure if this belongs in the age gap section but I think it more applies to dating at this point, since we're not yet in a relationship. This concerns older women, younger men in the dating realm - specifically online. After a long drought post a painful break up 4 years ago that led me to ENA, and a few dates here and there that did not lead to anything (mainly because I was not interested) I recently decided to jump back into the online dating fray. I met a man almost 6 years younger (I am 51, he is 45) who posted he was willing to date someone up to my age and we have had three really fun dates. I liked him right away in person, and prior to meeting we had a nice email build up...he is clearly very intelligent which is a big turn on. I also was impressed that he suggested meeting right away rather than do endless emailing.

 

At our first meeting at a local bar, I felt attracted to him almost immediately. We had effortless conversation and three hours went by before we knew it. First date ended up with some intense kissing and I left with feelings I hadn't felt in four years. He immediately followed up that night with an email suggesting we get together again and we did, second date a week later was really fun - again, passionate making out but nothing too physical. Our third date a few days later was fun and things escalated a bit more but no sex. For me, it all felt great and our chemistry felt easy and natural although I worry about negotiating these early stages. The second and third dates were initiated by him. We have also had fun, flirty emailing prior to each date, all initiated by him.

 

He is divorced with kids and did email me at Christmas but he is out of town for several days, visiting family. I have not heard from him since Christmas and this concerns me. Maybe I am expecting too much and I need to just relax (working on this).

 

My fear is that the 6 year age gap is too much. Most people tell me I look his age or younger and I do have a younger vibe, but I wonder if I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. He at 45 has a world of options in dating that I just don't have and I'm sure he knows this. In fact, he remains active on the online dating site since we met so it seems he's clearly not ready to give up pursuing those other options. Not that I should expect him to this early in the game (and yes, it feels like a game - this dating thing).

 

I was impressed by his willingness to meet an older woman because so few men online ARE yet I wonder if I should just "chalk this one up" even though it has just begun, and intend on trying to meet men my age age or older since with age, women have less and less power and options in the dating world while the opposite is true for men. I could fall for him and it could end badly - yet this can happen in ANY new relationship. That's what dating is all about, right?

 

Or...do I just go with the flow...see if he contacts me again and continue to try to date other men, and hold off on "sex" until I feel he is really interested in me and wants to be exclusive (and just how does one have this tricky conversation that can make men run in the other direction?). I just can't stop doing the math - when he is 50, I'll be 56. I think the chemistry we had is rare but I can't stop worrying that he'll wish he was with someone younger - or that the chemistry was rare for ME. I think I feel especially anxious about the age gap as the guy who led me to find ENA is 2 years OLDER than me and I am quite sure one of the reasons he dumped me was because he would prefer a younger woman - based on his online dating ads, 7-15 years younger.

 

Mom just did not prepare me for being single at 51, she assumed I'd be married with several kids - as she was! Thanks for any thoughts....I know perhaps this post is premature.

[happpybear]

just go with it for now and see where it leads. continue dating other men too. Talk to him about this stuff, maybe not righ now, but after sometime if you two start becoming more exclusive. I understand where you are coming from, i am not your age but i do attract men 6-7 years younger and i struggle with it myself. The good thing is that he is at an age where he is settled in life and generally knows what he wants. I wouldn't doubt that he enjoys being with you right now, and i would think he would be mature enough not to even bother dating an older woman if he thought at any time that the age diff would be a dealbreaker.

[Justme3]

I think that when you meet the right man for you, the age is not going make such an impact for either of you. You should keep busy and keep dating. Let him contact you next and go from there.

[turnthepage]

I'm confused. 51 and 45 is not a significant age gap I don't think. Many, many men like older women any way. Just enjoy this, try not to stress about him not messaging you over Christmas and be relaxed. Nothing worse than neediness, at any age. Good luck

[Nattersmatter]

Forget the artificial counting system. You can plant two identical bulbs in the ground at the same time and treat them both the exact same but one will develop faster than the other; same goes for humans (despite there's a range within which lays "normal") - *particularly* so, in fact, considering we're more multi-faceted in terms of development. Added to this, you were effectively in stasis for four years. For all you know, he's older than his technical age, as well.

 

I was in stasis too (from the point where the marriage's failure hit the fan, including and until after the after-effects of the divorce) - for 6 years. Hey-ho, my partner is exactly 6 years my junior. Or if we take into account only the time during which I was affected to any meaningful degree of operational interference, I was three years in stasis and (due to his own unique circumstances as a teen) he was three years ahead of himself. Whatever/whichever... he doesn't feel younger than me and I don't feel older than him, nor did we when we met save for the short-lived intellectual reaction to the number difference.

 

But I don't think this is anything to do with age difference, anyway. Were it any barrier, it would have been a barrier from the start. I think this could be (might not) more to do with the fact that he was on a DATING SITE. The message given off by the idea of dating sites is, 'Less time, less work, for same perks (some of them totally free)'. NOT SO. The downsides FAR outweigh the benefit. For starters, due to the very fact that the walking wounded have suffered a loss of confidence, being able to 'shop' from home removes a healthy barrier which otherwise would serve a wholly vital purpose - to keep them quarantined whilst they're most 'infectious' thus unable to cultivate anything healthy in terms of joint-ness. Secondly, some men's wounds are less centred around straightforward hurt and expressed more as post-liberation craziness: "Freeee, freeee!... No more being controlled, plus I can sh*g as many women as I like after that too-long spell in the desert!!'... They become like once-deprived little boys with pocket-money in a sweetie shop for the first time in decades...."what to buy, what to buy...?". They want a free sample of *everything* before actually spending their too-precious money. And even when they seemingly *have* handed their money over the counter, they keep changing their minds - "I'll have that one- no, wait - that one- no, wait, let me try that one again...!", or want a bit of everything like a Petit Degustation.

 

If you want a man who's going to do it properly, he will normally be found where one will be only WHEN they've already begun doing it properly: *Out*....Pubs, nightclubs, social clubs, leisure centres, etc. Not sitting there in their pyjamas going click-click. There are exceptions (the genuinely time-short due to careers/whatever) but, generally, what time is saved by cruising on the ether will get cancelled out by the inordinate time it takes them to feel they need to stop pratting around, acting out through other people (e.g. re-enacting their last relationship just to be sure what actually went wrong and precisely how), acting out of character (or assuming a character like someone abroad), and actually GENUINELY NEED a relationship.

 

In the same way that one person who agonisingly stubs their toe might hop around the room, expleting at the top of their lungs, whilst another simply goes White in the face and freezes to the spot saying nothing, issues that cause pain to a critical degree of any kind (including confusion) as interfere with normal healthy functioning, will show themselves in one of two POLAR EXTREME ways. This means, you're looking for someone who doesn't do anything Too-this or Under-that... *Balance*. So although Too Fast will seem impressive after having sampled Too Slow, when you compare it to Normal/Balanced, it *is* too fast and not impressively fast. And Too Fast means, in a hurry. WHY THE RUSH??? What's the reason for it? And since when did anything that was rushed end up a well-functioning, easy-to-handle product rather than end up something that causes the owner-user problems? You name me one single thing, I challenge you.

 

Christmas is no excuse, is what I'm getting at....Unless he's so paraletic he can't see the dialling digits on his mobile phone? (I doubt that very much.) One thing Christmas does do is provide the occasion for looking (or having to look) at what's in your life trolley and appraising and taking stock. It additionally is an occasion for being in lots of company ("or there's something wrong with you"). But where these remedies normally take time, there ISN'T any time! This means that those who've been denying they need sex and affection find their resolve going to pot and flock to the insta-shops for the 'paralysed'. That's why you see a sudden surge in membership.... OOH, LOADS MORE *NEW* SWEETIES TO SAMPLE!

 

Sweeties (mostly women but not exclusively) need to cease letting candidates take a lick of them before they've actually handed their money over, of course - in which case anyone who joined a dating site would know there was no point joining unless you at least had genuine and serious intentions at the READY, but.... sweeties in virtual shops are themselves just as overly mentally overloaded and distracted to remember and consider things like this... hence the virtual shops get used like a restaurant laying on a Chinese buffet that charges for admission rather than each meal item sampled in turn. Were each male customer (cos males are the hunter-chasers-purchasers) made to pay per each individual sample they took of any sweetie, they'd be dissuaded from acting on less than seriousness interest or only on short-term impulse. But, of course, with that the case these shops would miss out on such a large customer sector who each individually have to pay merely to ENTER the premises, wouldn't they (kerching-kerching-kerchinggg!).

 

Despite some men might see it that younger is better (or (cough!) less wise and "superior" thus easier to be boss over), his guy deliberately of his own free will stated that the woman being older was no problem and backed that up with his run of actions since. It really isn't that.

 

You may have made this guy feel so safe and 'in the bag' with you (including *starting* to give him sex) that he feels he CAN ignore you for a good few days or so without risk of you reacting by writing him off. But he's not genuinely that stupid underneath. Methinks he's using Christmas (and that premature taking you for granted-ness) simply as an excuse IF you should start complaining. And he's using this time EITHER to take advantage of the increase in numbers of short-term-desperate sweeties OR (more likely since his claim of visiting family is normal in this period) to make up for the fact he's been neglecting his family.

 

WHATEVER - who cares? The only fact that matters is, he's *not* behaving in such a way as reassures *you*. And this *he* cultivated as an expectation by how *non*-casually and *opposite* to non-reassuring he's been treating you before now. So in *this* created context, I'd only say you grumbling within 3 days maximum was 'premature', not 4. And you're doing the right and healthy thing by not deciding to do the chasing *for* him, as well (so big fat Tick to you!).

 

He needs to realise that if he, the hunter, releases his grip on his allegedly- (as in, demonstrably-) prized still-live one (you), and its attention gets grabbed by something/someone else of interest as a result, it will escape to elsewhere - whether HE deems that reasonable or not. "You snooze? YOU LOSE!" If you call four days Snoozing, that is that - four days is Snoozing. And since your attitude is part of you in combo with what he created in you, and you married with your experiences are the person he's dating, he has to respect as well as take responsibility for that standard of yours (especially if you apply that standard to yourself, not just others). So this - a punishment called, Not As Excited To Hear From Me As She Was Before - is precisely what will teach him how you in particular feel, won't it.

 

You don't need a *conversation* about it, in other words. You just let your actions do the replying, and either be elsewhere and "sound elsewhere", having somewhat forgotten about him, for real, or enact those motions - meaning you're *not* instantly available the minute he 'remembers' to phone you, and he gets mets with your answerphone and a long-ish wait for a return call once you've finished doing what you were doing, wherein - recent heat lost - you sound decidedly less excited at the sound of his voice, albeit still sweet and friendly and making zero comment about his absence. If/when *he* mentions his over-absence, you don't deny you noticed (or you communicate, 'Who gives a sh*t!'), you just keep your comment chilled, a la, 'Yes, I did wonder if you'd been run over by Santa's sleigh or something, ha-ha' - in other words, I noticed but I didn't let it get to me. He only needs the result - having to take the time and trouble to warm you back up to the previous temperature - not the aggro (whinging or snootiness) that normally goes with it.

 

xoxo

[becomingkate]

He is divorced with kids and did email me at Christmas but he is out of town for several days, visiting family. I have not heard from him since Christmas and this concerns me. Maybe I am expecting too much and I need to just relax (working on this).

 

I'd give him until New Years and if he doesn't contact you by then, let it go.

 

When my husband's family travels, they're gone for several days longer than anyone else because it's in their culture to visit every single person in the family, even if it's several hours out of the way. Maybe he's like that?

[EssexMan]

My fear is that the 6 year age gap is too much.

 

He may not turn out to be the one, but really I would think this particular factor is nothing to be concerned about. Six years at our kind of age (I'm a 46yo guy) is a trivial difference.

[EssexMan]

The message given off by the idea of dating sites is, 'Less time, less work, for same perks (some of them totally free)'. NOT SO.

 

...

 

If you want a man who's going to do it properly, he will normally be found where one will be only WHEN they've already begun doing it properly: *Out*....Pubs, nightclubs, social clubs, leisure centres, etc. Not sitting there in their pyjamas going click-click.

 

The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive!

[lavenderdove]

First, i need to say that i know quite a few people who've found their spouses via online dating, so it is a valid way to meet people. If a man wants to chase a lot of women, he can do it online or in pubs and clubs or anywhere else. what is important is ascertaining whether you have the same goals in dating as he does. So you ask him. is he looking for someone to be a GF, or does he just want casual dating. If he says casual dating, then it is up to you to decide whether you want to date him while still looking for a more permanent partner or not.

 

in fact i just attended a wedding between an older couple who met online, and i've never seen a more blissful pair! So if you are looking for someone, look in as many avenues as you can and judge how the PERSON behaves and evaluate whether they are looking for the same thing as you are rather than making judgments about the quality of the relationship based on whether you met him online or not. Many men in pubs are looking for one-night stands and are also alcoholic drunkards, while many intelligent people who work big jobs do look online because they don't have lots of time to hang out in pubs and clubs, or don't like that scene where drinking and loud music is involved in every exchange, especially once they are out of their 20s.

 

regarding the age difference, 6 years really doesn't qualify. you're the same generation, in the same life stage etc., so have fun with it! And people really do age differently. Some people look like they're in their 30s when they're in their 50s, and some people who are 45 look 55, so it really is no big difference and genetics play a large role in how people age. If you pay attention to your health and looks, a 6 year gap is nothing.

 

the fact that you haven't heard anything in less than a week, and he is out of town or with family shouldn't concern you at this stage. You just started dating, only three dates, so definitely not a relationship yet where you can expect that he will 'check in' with you every day or even every few days. It's barely been 4 days, and during the holiday season while he is with family! I would wait until after the holidays, and if he still doesn't call you then, then i would just assume he's realized he's not interested in you. But don't get impatient before then because he's not your BF yet, and he does have family commitments.

 

But if you do see him again, have a discussion about what his dating goals are and whether he believes in being exclusive and when. and if his goals don't line up with yours, then you decide whether to continue or not. i personally would not sleep with a man who was sleeping with other people, but that is just my own preference. i would ask to date him long enough to see whether he likes you enough to be exclusive, and if the answer is still no, then don't sleep with him until he is ready for that (or says he just doesnt' believe in being exclusive in which case you don't want him).

[Angel Irulan]

I've age gap dated, and I have to tell you that six years is not an older woman/younger man age gap. I dated someone 20 years my junior, now THAT is an age gap.

 

Angel

[Nattersmatter]

The two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive!

 

I know. That's why I said so and in quite a few ways - the first being 'he will normally be found'.

 

xoxo

[rapunzel]

Well, thanks to all for the advice! @Nattersmatter: that was quite a post chock-full of all kinds of observations! I have two female friends in their late 40's, early 50's who are seriously dating quality men they met online, I had a 4.5 year relationship with a man I met online, and my sister and friend are both married to men they met online. I agree that the downside of it is that for men, there are dozens if not hundreds of available, attractive women at their fingertips so that aspect of it can be challenging. Of course, finding one you "click" with is not so easy...

 

He did email me on Christmas, from another state where his family lives, so I felt encouraged by that. The tone of the email seemed to indicate we'd naturally be seeing each other in the near future but he did not ask and no date was set. Truthfully I don't know him well and yes, the physical attraction may be complicating matters. As Nattermatters said, since it is obvious I am quite attracted to him he may feel like I'm an "ace in the hole" which at this early stage, may make me less attractive. So now I'm less mysterious and alluring than some of those other pretty faces on the dating site. My hunch is his "hunter" instinct is making sure there are no other more attractive women he'l have to give up before he gets more involved with me. We did not sleep together/have sex and without going in detail, we did do other stuff. The long period of nothing, I'm over 50 and the fact that three people near my age have dropped dead in the last 6 months had given me more of a "carpe diem" attitude with the whole living in the moment and not worrying so much about how-far-to-go on the date. Yet, here I am worrying about it. As a woman with a natural sex drive who hasn't had any action in a long while, it is frustrating to have to control it and keep it in check, continually put the brakes on while the man is allowed to fully pursue his own desires without fear of judgment or his date totally losing interest in him....but I cannot change this well known fact. Also, I've been around long enough to know that it can be REALLY depressing to sleep with a man to only be dumped shortly thereafter. So fear not, lavender dove - I will NOT be sleeping with,having sex with this man until I know he wants to sleep with only me.

 

And yes, as you said lavender dove, perhaps it's too soon to fret about these things. It's interesting that no one thinks I should worry about the age gap. I remember how I looked at 40 and I'm now - gosh - 10, actually 11 years older. He could easily find a woman who is 40. Once again, I am 51. I still look pretty good but with age, I'm just going to get older and less attractive, it's a fact of life. And I don't think I can afford Jane Fonda's plastic surgeon.

 

I do not intend on contacting him and if he for some reason does not contact me, then I'll have my answer. Meanwhile, must stay busy and not think too much.

[lavenderdove]

Just remember too that people who are not shallow are in relationships for things other than just looks. And people who are really in love stand by their partners though disease, age, and disfigurement and still love them and choose to be with them. So if he's a shallow person shopping mainly for good looks, then good riddance. if he's a decent guy who wants to love his partner on multiple levels and isn't just after the young flesh, then he will be interested if you do have a lot in common and click. So time will tell! but don't add an extra load of anxiety on top of everything else by worrying about a 6 year age difference. It really isn't enough to matter if he really is into you. and if he's not, then better off gone!

[PaintWithLight]

I think you are right to listen to your feelings about the age gap. I think you are also right to want to protect yourself from heartbreak. I appreciate that you are looking at things realistically as a 51-year old woman. You need to move the game from straight up physical attractiveness to other areas of strength. You have life experience, maturity and a strong sense of who you are as a person. Use those strengths to your advantage.

 

However, if you are dating a younger guy who still has an eye for women 10 - 15 years younger than yourself, you may be setting yourself up for heartache. The age gap you discuss is real and you are right to want him to be exclusive and have a strong bond of trust before you get intimate.

[rapunzel]

I think you are right to listen to your feelings about the age gap. I think you are also right to want to protect yourself from heartbreak. I appreciate that you are looking at things realistically as a 51-year old woman. You need to move the game from straight up physical attractiveness to other areas of strength. You have life experience, maturity and a strong sense of who you are as a person. Use those strengths to your advantage.

 

However, if you are dating a younger guy who still has an eye for women 10 - 15 years younger than yourself, you may be setting yourself up for heartache. The age gap you discuss is real and you are right to want him to be exclusive and have a strong bond of trust before you get intimate.

 

Ah, the voice of reason! Another male weighs in...this time with a realistic viewpoint. Thanks! Yes, these are my concerns. He wrote as his age range: 35-51 so I am at the very tail end. I think I kind of knew I was playing with fire and at the third date, he started acting a bit more "alpha" because it was clear I was very attracted to him. This is not in my favor. And, I'm out of practice with the dating game, where my job as the female is to remain mysteriously alluring, with a magnetic sensuality, interested yet coy, possibly available albeit slightly out of reach. Ugh, it's all too calculated and tiring.

 

However, I think I am his match intellectually whereas he could meet a 37 year old supermodel and she may not get his jokes nor be able to keep up with his wit. So thank you for your advice. At this point, I'm fully prepared for any outcome, including a disappearance act. *sigh*

[Brittanyxox90]

I have to admit, when I first saw this post I thought it was going to be something crazy like on the tlc show "extreme cougar wives" you may know the one, (if not youtube it totally hilarious) showing one woman aged 53 dating a 19 year old, and a woman in her 70s dating a 25 year old! Then I read your details and thought, what the heck is the big deal?! 6 years does not mean a thing, 50s is the new 40s girlfriend, and it doesn't matter anyway if there is so much chemistry. Go for it!! Good luck!

[Batya33]

First, I'm happy for you that you met someone you click with and had a few fun dates with! Second, I agree that he should be in contact at least to wish you a happy new year. My take on the age difference -sounds like he's done having kids which is why he's open to older women. I wouldn't worry a bit about the age gap or that you are older. It's really not much of an age gap anyway. Trust that if he had an issue with age he wouldn't have taken you out this many times. I'm sure you look great for your age!

[Nattersmatter]

Well, thanks to all for the advice! @Nattersmatter: that was quite a post chock-full of all kinds of observations!

 

It's called Verbal Diarrhea and, apparently, it's incurable, LOL (unless the doctor said that just to shut me up and get me out of his office? mwa-ha-ha).

 

I have two female friends in their late 40's, early 50's who are seriously dating quality men they met online, I had a 4.5 year relationship with a man I met online, and my sister and friend are both married to men they met online. I agree that the downside of it is that for men, there are dozens if not hundreds of available, attractive women at their fingertips so that aspect of it can be challenging. Of course, finding one you "click" with is not so easy...

 

Sure. If you re-read my post, you'll see from the many qualifiers that I wasn't in any way saying that you *can't* meet one of your Ones on a dating site, only that they tend more and more to get misused by the walking wounded, to the point where nowadays, it's said, there are more non-genuines than genuines, meaning you have to kiss that many more frogs *without* all the auxillary signalling systems via face-to-face that normally contribute majorly when it comes to unconsciously calculating whether someone's going to be a good enough match for you... until you actually get around to meeting. Out in real life still has the edge when you consider the success stories in context of these sites' larger head-counts. (I still hear only great things about speed-dating, though - probably because it's such a laugh.) So my point was only - the oldie method is still the goodie/why make things harder?

 

But, yes, a man who's after a good heart predominantly, won't give a hoot about age-on-paper, particularly if you still look good for your age. And by 'good' I don't mean lack of wrinkles and a perfect bod. It can be a simple case of nice eyes, great smile, and a vibe that carries confidence in your femininity, a sense of humour and feeling at ease with yourself.

 

But we have to face reality. Not everyone is good at resisting temptation with zero foreseeable consequences when faced with a sweetie shop offering constantly-replenished samples, especially when dating sites do make it too easy for a man with an attitude to multi-date without you ever knowing. Fine if he *is* honest about that (in which case, you *won't* get over-intimate physically with him until he asks/indicates he wants to go exclusive and committed). Not fine if he doesn't AND whereby he's subtly feeding you the idea that you're the main contender and therefore are putting only the one egg (him) in your basket. A fairminded person will allow you same levelness of playing field.

 

Then there are some men who will date women on the side NOT because they find them equally tempting, but purely to keep themselves from being able to become too keen on you too soon (for fear of putting you off); they're confidence aids, IOW (I call them "Kalms", LOL). So I think you should take a tip. That way, you won't be susceptible to this kind of slightly panicky wobbling due to unwittingly investing too much hope and expectation before you've had ALL the signs that it's warranted and safe to (i.e. *not* just keenness).

 

However, he might, for all you know, be testing you out - without even realising it himself - to see how you handle him somewhat dropping the ball even despite his acceptable excuse? You just don't know at this point. What I *do* know is that quite a few women (usually themselves the newly walking wounded) fall into behaving like a nagging, harpy fishwife in these kinds of situations ("Why didn't you ring me?, nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-NYEH!").. so his possibly prior bad experiences from that site might be his subconscious motivation for giving you this little 'prod' for finding out what type and volume of squeak (or hair-blowing roar?!) you make?

 

Husband (and most of my exes, actually) tried that one - quite a few times... He obviously couldn't believe I was so laid back about it all ( - "Did you?... forget to call last night? Did you even say you would?? You did? Oh!.. Sorry!... Never mind - you're here now.") Little did he know (heh-heh)... I actually didn't *give* much of a sh*t back then (still too numb and sick to the back teeth of relationships, LOL)... so, far too confusingly Que Sera in some ways yet not others (contradiction = intruiging/challenging)... He was used to wailing banshees...hence, in part, all his over-copious testing and prodding, I imagine - i.e. just to make extra-EXTRA sure it was genuine rather than some act, and, ironically/perversely enough, because his ego didn't *like* that I was capable of staying so chilled and non-controlling in the face of 'such incredible temptation' plus seemingly looming disappointment.

 

The other ingredient to my chilledness, was my knowing just how MANY fish there are out there. (Oh, aye - there are benefits to being an ex-sl*t.) This, if you *can't* be bothered with collecting eggs, is KEY to a happy-go-lucky, laid-back attitude that the man finds so attractive and challenging to crack. It's like a positive suit of armour rather than the negative variety.

 

He did email me on Christmas, from another state where his family lives, so I felt encouraged by that.

 

Did you, do you think, looking back, show too much that you felt encouraged by it, and to the point where he got the idea you'd be fine if he left it for longer next (this) time?

 

The tone of the email seemed to indicate we'd naturally be seeing each other in the near future but he did not ask and no date was set. Truthfully I don't know him well and yes, the physical attraction may be complicating matters. As Nattermatters said, since it is obvious I am quite attracted to him he may feel like I'm an "ace in the hole" which at this early stage, may make me less attractive. So now I'm less mysterious and alluring than some of those other pretty faces on the dating site.

 

That's very easily altered, though.

 

My hunch is his "hunter" instinct is making sure there are no other more attractive women he'l have to give up before he gets more involved with me.

 

What's this hunch based on? Can you substantiate it or is it more to do with your own opinion?

 

We did not sleep together/have sex and without going in detail, we did do other stuff. The long period of nothing, I'm over 50 and the fact that three people near my age have dropped dead in the last 6 months had given me more of a "carpe diem" attitude with the whole living in the moment and not worrying so much about how-far-to-go on the date. Yet, here I am worrying about it.

 

Well, evidently your Que Sera attitude lays in one side of your mind, but in the other is this attitude, and the two are of equal strength enough to be "arguing".

 

As a woman with a natural sex drive who hasn't had any action in a long while, it is frustrating to have to control it and keep it in check, continually put the brakes on while the man is allowed to fully pursue his own desires without fear of judgment or his date totally losing interest in him

 

It's no non-stop picnic being a man, either, actually. HOWEVER - who SAYS you can't judge a man by the same standards? I do. I've been known to tell men who've got prematurely too fresh with me to, quote, cease being such a sl*t or t*rt. Slightly tongue-in-cheek, obviously, but - never a truer word said in jest and all that. Funnily enough, it has the exact same effect it does on a woman, LOL.

 

....but I cannot change this well known fact. Also, I've been around long enough to know that it can be REALLY depressing to sleep with a man to only be dumped shortly thereafter. So fear not, lavender dove - I will NOT be sleeping with,having sex with this man until I know he wants to sleep with only me.

 

Good for you! But ...then why the heavy petting? And - question - has he ever tried to push things further when in that situation?

 

And yes, as you said lavender dove, perhaps it's too soon to fret about these things.

 

It is technically too soon but not if HE'S been continually acting 'ahead of time'.

 

It's interesting that no one thinks I should worry about the age gap. I remember how I looked at 40 and I'm now - gosh - 10, actually 11 years older. He could easily find a woman who is 40. Once again, I am 51. I still look pretty good but with age, I'm just going to get older and less attractive, it's a fact of life.

 

No, you're not; this is a fact of ATTITUDE. You're just going to get more character to your face... as will the men, and men who mean serious biz want someone with similar experience and age in common. Anyway - didn't anyone tell you that 50 is the new 40?

 

Tip: Don't compare yourself to 10 years ago. Compare yourself to 10 years from now.

 

I do not intend on contacting him and if he for some reason does not contact me, then I'll have my answer. Meanwhile, must stay busy and not think too much.

 

Yep. Difficult to do, but by no means impossible... especially if you keep a philosophical attitude about it all. Try this one: if he doesn't ring, he wasn't the one, and if he wasn't the one, FAR better that he gets off of the interviewee's chair sooner rather than futilely later. That way, the next one can plonk himself down in it and you lose less time faffing around. Oui?

 

xoxo

 

PS: My sister's 50. Her husband (whom she married in July) is 11 years her junior. He said women his own age found him too "fuddy-duddy" and he found them too concerned with things that don't actually matter in the grand scheme of things. So there you go - I'm with Brittany and Batya. Oh - and, fyi, she's (ahem) very overweight. He bl**dy LOVES it!... undoubtedly because so does she (which is purely because she used to be a flat-chested stick-insect and couldn't even get comfy enough to fall asleep at night, I kid you not).

[EssexMan]

Coupla points:

 

He wrote as his age range: 35-51 so I am at the very tail end.

 

I'm 46, and I think probably on the road to seriousness with a 35-year-old woman who had specified 45 as the top of her age range. This came up light-heartedly one night and she told me it was only because the site we both used specified ages in terms of decades, and she didn't want to be approached by guys 20 years older than her. So just a thought, could it be simply the way that some sites force users into straitjackets of choices?

 

my job as the female is to remain mysteriously alluring, with a magnetic sensuality, interested yet coy, possibly available albeit slightly out of reach. Ugh, it's all too calculated and tiring.

 

There are plenty of guys of every age who feel that way too, and would prefer your "job" as a woman to be open and honest and not believe that you have to play a role! I really think you're fretting too much about a very small age difference here.

[rapunzel]

Coupla points:

 

 

 

I'm 46, and I think probably on the road to seriousness with a 35-year-old woman who had specified 45 as the top of her age range. This came up light-heartedly one night and she told me it was only because the site we both used specified ages in terms of decades, and she didn't want to be approached by guys 20 years older than her. So just a thought, could it be simply the way that some sites force users into straitjackets of choices?

 

 

 

There are plenty of guys of every age who feel that way too, and would prefer your "job" as a woman to be open and honest and not believe that you have to play a role! I really think you're fretting too much about a very small age difference here.

 

Thanks EssexMan - I wish the playing field were level for both sexes but in reality, it is NOT. For you to date an 11 year younger woman is perfectly acceptable, no one lifts an eyebrow nor worries that your woman may find you undesirable at some point (although certainly it is a possibility, as is anything)...so YOU, as a MAN have far greater options than I as a WOMAN. If my guy was 56 - 65 I would not even be posting here....

[GirlontheLam]

I'm confused. 51 and 45 is not a significant age gap I don't think. Many, many men like older women any way. Just enjoy this, try not to stress about him not messaging you over Christmas and be relaxed. Nothing worse than neediness, at any age. Good luck

 

 

6 years is chump change at 51! Have fun and enjoy.

[rapunzel]

Originally posted by Nattersmatter:

 

Good for you! But ...then why the heavy petting? And - question - has he ever tried to push things further when in that situation?

 

No clear answer here. Four years of near celibacy, perhaps? I highly doubt he's posting on internet sites wondering if he took things too far, yet I, as the female, must fret and worry as I am ultimately responsible for the pace and success/failure of the relationship. I am judged by what I do, how fast things go, and he is just allowed to be a full human being. It's OK, it "is what it is" and I can't do a damn thing about what already happened.

[lavenderdove]

i wouldn't worry that you went too far... my only reason for not having a lot of sexual activity too soon is that frequently when you have sex, your feelings get much more involved, and if you don't know a person well, you can get attached too soon and really disappointed if it falls apart early on because it fizzles out after a few dates which is common in the beginning if he's not feeling as interested as you are. So it isn't about you being a 'bad girl' or not, it is about protecting your feelings.

 

it is also to weed out the hit and run artists who misrepresent themselves and are not who you think they are and just want some quick and casual sex and aren't in the market for a relationship.

 

so it is all about protecting your feelings and not about 'going too far too soon' from a perspective of wrecking the relationship. it is about going at a pace that protects your feelings, and some people can engage in more casual and early sex and some can't. If it feels really right and you enjoyed it, then good! I personally just don't feel comfortable with it too soon because that is about me and not wanting to get attached until i am sure the person has long term potential. It isn't about being 'good' vs 'bad' or 'wrong' vs. 'right'. So don't worry about it, water over the dam. Time will tell soon enough whether he's a keeper or not.

[rapunzel]

Thanks lavenderdove. True, I feel attached already and from just kissing and "fooling around". So I will not be having actual sex with him until I feel safer emotionally, and until I know he cares about me....and it's too soon for that. He has kids and his profile indicates he's looking to settle down but not get married right away, which is fine. Then again, who knows? He could be a hit and run artist, many people misrepresent themselves online, he had a break up this past summer - a long distance relationship - and I don't know where his head is at emotionally. So for me, it is best to slow things down a bit but I worry that since we've gotten rather passionate already, that I've set things up to progress that way. Obviously it is within my power to pull back on the reins, so I need to really think about that: protecting my feelings and not living in the moment so much.

 

That is, if I do hear from him again. :subdued:

[rapunzel]

First, I'm happy for you that you met someone you click with and had a few fun dates with! Second, I agree that he should be in contact at least to wish you a happy new year. My take on the age difference -sounds like he's done having kids which is why he's open to older women. I wouldn't worry a bit about the age gap or that you are older. It's really not much of an age gap anyway. Trust that if he had an issue with age he wouldn't have taken you out this many times. I'm sure you look great for your age!

 

Thanks Batya, I am happy too....and to be honest, it really was the final push to finally get over that last guy. Who I am still in contact with semi-regularly and it doesn't bother me so much, I've been able to accept and internalize that we would just never work as a couple anyway.

 

Yes, new guy's profile says he is not interested in having further children, so yeah, that would weed out the 35-43 y.o. women whose clocks are ticking and want to have a child. After his divorce he did have a somewhat lengthy relationship with a woman my age so that would probably help explain his willingness to date older. Am hoping for a Happy New Year from him. I essentially pursued him online (made first contact, emailed him again when he disappeared for a while) but after we met, he pursued me and now am going to do "nothing" and see if he continues to pursue me.