Batya33 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks for the reminder. You are right. Yet during dating I think most people are evaluating whether or not one has a future with someone, no? It's hard to not project but I realize I have to stay grounded and in the present moment. Yes I agree- certainly if there are already dealbreakers those should be considered. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Please keep us informed on 'hot guy'.....lol.... Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 3, 2013 Author Share Posted February 3, 2013 Ah yes, the hot guy. He emailed me this past Sunday/Monday that he was unavailable this week due to child care and another private matter I will not disclose on this forum. As is his pattern lately, he has gone several days with no contact. As I've said previously, it only takes about a minute (or more if one likes to think carefully about what one is writing) to dash off an email or a text so I can only surmise, despite the private matter (through which he continues to work) he is ambivalent about me or is still dating others and doing the "compare and contrast". Or is waiting to see if I'll break down and email him.... I have resisted the temptation to email him...thus far. I came very close over the weekend but I did NOT hit 'send". He's not my "boyfriend" so I feel that checking in on him re: the private matter would not be considered "over the top" but perhaps not necessary, we're not "established" after five dates. I'm sure it would be fine if I emailed him but in our last email volley on Monday, he did not reply to the last email I sent to him so I feel it is his turn. Yet I do wonder if, at this point, he is wondering why I do not initiate (although I did the last time, sort of....) I have no freakin' idea what is in his head so I've adopted the motto "when in doubt, do nothing." I have a date with another guy (from online dating) on 2/11 and might be meeting yet another guy (from real life) this week....although "hot guy" is definitely present in my mind, gotta keep movin' forward. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 ahhhh....sigh...you are much stronger than i. I saw the only guy since the ex-fiance that i ever had any chemistry with...yesterday...after 2 and a half months!!! lol we 'dated' for all of 2 weeks...then ended things...sort of, he would txt "happy Thanksgiving" etc. and that would start off another whole string of convo's basically by txt....lol. We are both so 'touchy' with emotions....i swear he's almost worse than i am. So, we are NOT suited at ALL in the long run, but he still makes me laugh, as i do him. I always laugh and say our 'ended' relationship lasted longer than our 'on' relationship. We only saw each other 5 times...lol...and did call it a relationship...which he got all freaked out with...i might add!!! teehee. He's the one that i made the sexual moves on, and oops....he pushed me away.... So anyway, i keep in contact with him...me usually doing the contacting, but he constantly then responds...for hours! Yesterday i said i was going to go buy a kayak, did he want to come along. After talking about everything else BUT an answer...he finally said Yes...but because he was hungry!!!! You see...he has a problem with saying he misses me, or wants to see me...or being vulnerable in any way. After we ate (and he insisted on paying) i drove him to his car. I kept saying goodbye..multiple times....he would just laugh and not get out...finally he kisses me. I said i missed him. He (broke down) and said he missed me too. After he got out of the car, he came back and leaned way over to my side to kiss me again....huh????? The point of all this is.....even tho i know we will never be an item...i still enjoy him. And he does enjoy me, but just not all the time....lol. He doesn't date anyone else. So unless it is ME once in awhile initiating contact, i'd probably have none. It's kinda like cutting off my nose to spite my face! Everytime i have taken my pics off the dating site tho, he always emails me," hey what happened to your pictures." LOL He also has talked to his son about me, because he mentioned he told his son something about what i do, business wise.... The last thing he said today was,(via txt) "i'm getting ready to go to a Superbowl party, I'll talk to you later, if yer lucky."...i responded, " i won't be holding my breath." So of course i have been corresponding with other guys, but haven't really MET with anyone since him....and like i said, that was 2 and a half months ago!!! When i saw him, it was like no time had passed at all.....sad...but i've come to grips with it. We are NOT good for each other in the long run....he makes me cry!!! lol...in fact he said he'd go out and look at the kayak with me...if i didn't cry!!! So i guess, it's all with what you want. If i want to email someone..i do. I'm not sure cuz i'm not a guy, but as long as it's not overdone, or coming accross as desperate (which you are not!) i would think a guy would appreciate a call or txt from someone he was interested in. Sometimes i am the last one to leave a txt, sometimes he is. I mean, someone has to be the LAST or you'd be txting forever!!!! lol This time you were....no biggy. Not putting your eggs in one basket is the way to go. I just have never been the type of person to do that. Since i started dating at 17 it was see one guy. Wanna see another guy? ya gotta dump the one you're seeing. Dating rules have changed now these days, but i might be too old to figure out all the new rules....lol Good luck, and have fun with your NEW HOT GUYS!!! Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Thanks for your thoughts, realitynut. Trust me, I have little interest in meeting these other guys - I would much rather be seeing the guy that prompted my initial post! I guess I just feel due to his penchant for disappearing for almost 7 days that he's not that interested and so I must look out for my own self... if I don't, who will? Although we had a blast on our last date and he seemed quite interested...almost 7 days have gone by. It's confusing. He's either scared, worried about the age difference, still hung up on his ex, "just not that into me" - who knows? Chasing men has rarely worked for me. My friend is still married to the man she chased so there are always exceptions but my gut is telling me to wait... Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I had a friend in high school who was very unnattractive. Kinda looked like Olive Oyl....Popeyes woman. Anyway, i saw her at our 20th class reunion. She was married with a 2 yr. old kid. She said that she worked with this guy that she was very interested in. She then had her teeth straightened, her hair permed (at that time it ws 'in'..lol) got a new car, and drove herself to his HOUSE and knocked on his door. She decided to go after what she wanted. I was shocked...he was very good looking and had a fairly powerful position where she worked. So i get 'assertiveness' has it's place!! And it worked for her!!! I guess chasing has never worked for me either....but once they were 'caught'.....my other 'issues' came into play!!! lol Never realized dating was going to be this hard....since i was married for 20 years, and met ex-fiance the same month he and i separated. Should have known tho...didn't like it in my 20's either. But sitting at a bar at 28...eh...not so bad. 58...not so good! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Anything ever pan out with the guy rapunzel? Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 No, he's apparently pulling a disappearing act. He seemed quite interested after our date at the end of January, emailed me the next morning and then a few days later...he announced his plans for that following week (first week in February) - the details of which I did not want to post on a public form. I appreciated this as he was clearly letting me know he would not be available. I checked in with him via email a week later, which is now a week ago today, he responded within 15 minutes and we bantered a bit about the week, he asked me when he could come to one of my public events (will leave out details for privacy reasons, he missed one of these I had at the end of January - I think because he had a date with someone else...or gee, maybe he was hanging out with a "buddy") - but did not ask me when he could see ME. I told him the next time I had a public event was in a couple of months and we emailed a bit more, joking, light.....then he just dropped the ball, left me hanging and disappeared.... Confused but I guess he's trying to tell me something... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I'm sorry you're disappointed and I'm glad you checked in with him because that probably helps you with closure. My guess is he'll pop up from time to time but I would move on in every way possible. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 I'm sorry you're disappointed and I'm glad you checked in with him because that probably helps you with closure. My guess is he'll pop up from time to time but I would move on in every way possible. Thanks, I'm not quite at closure and still secretly harboring hope he'll pop up sooner rather than later yet I realize this is fantasy thinking and not in my best interests. I also realize I can no longer contact him. I think if he wanted to see me he had every opportunity in that email conversation to try to. It is very upsetting but my own fault for letting myself get too involved in five dates. Personally, I would NEVER go on five dates with someone I was not interested in seriously. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Hi R -- Sorry to hear about this; I know the feeling, totally. Definitely don't contact him again. Though there may be some interest on his part, there just isn't enough, unfortunately. No reflection on you at all, of course. I too would NOT go on five dates with someone if not interested, but...that's just me. I value my time and have respect for others' time (and their feelings) enough to not do that, but not everyone feels that way. To many people, dating is just a way to get to know various people to decide if any of them is the right one. Many people have a pretty casual attitude about it, but for some of us, that casual attitude is hard to take. That said...you've learned from this, definitely. At the very least, about not getting too attached to someone early on. I think it's Batya who always says that one thing she always kept in mind when dating is that there was never a guarantee of a follow-up date, so she just tried to enjoy the date and not get hung up on whether or not there would be another one. It's hard to do, and it takes discipline, but it's great advice. Try to be more focused on "now" as opposed to what might happen next week, next month, next year. This doesn't mean just being impulsive and sleeping with someone you barely know (not saying you'd do that, but some people take "living in the now" to mean "anything goes"!) but it does mean tempering hope with realism, saying to yourself, "I like this guy, I'd like to get to know him better, but if it doesn't pan out, it'll be OK." It sounds like you've got other options, which is great, and to be honest, I don't know if I'd give this guy another chance if he comes back around. He just sounds, from what you've said, kind of flaky and non-committal. Sure, he has all sorts of great reasons to be "busy," (i.e. children, which are somewhat of a legitimate reason, but people with children date frequently and get into relationships all the time), but if his interest was really keen, he wouldn't pass up opportunities to see you. I experienced this same thing, as you know, and I wrote the guy off. I doubt I'd give him another chance unless it was a long time down the road and he had a really good explanation for flaking on me, but even then, I don't know. Hang in there, keep doing your thing...ONWARD! Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 Thanks browneyedgirl. Sigh. I'm a bit depressed. I really liked him and it seemed he liked me. Oh well...as you said, onwards! Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Ra-Ra-Go Girl....lol I can't give advice...that i myself can't follow..... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 He might have been seriously interested and then changed his mind for whatever reason -and most likely not a "personal" reason. Onwards, for sure! Link to comment
Not a rookie Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Confused but I guess he's trying to tell me something... That you should move on to other guys. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 He might have been seriously interested and then changed his mind for whatever reason -and most likely not a "personal" reason. Onwards, for sure! Thanks Batya but I think if he was seriously interested, he would not change his mind like that and just disappear - unless a shinier, newer penny caught his fancy. I realize men are different from women (VERY different) but if I am seriously interested in someone, it takes a lot more to drag me away. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Thanks Batya but I think if he was seriously interested, he would not change his mind like that and just disappear - unless a shinier, newer penny caught his fancy. I realize men are different from women (VERY different) but if I am seriously interested in someone, it takes a lot more to drag me away. Me too, R. I don't just change my mind about someone at the drop of a hat, and it's frustrating to me that other people do, but I have learned, through much painful experience, that part of what causes me misery is expecting -- or at least hoping -- that people are going to act as I would act, handle things the way I would. My mom and I have a running joke that if everyone else would just do things our way, everything would be peachy. The world would run smoothly, and all would be well in the universe. But...we're all built differently, with different wants, values, principles. Some of the stuff other people do just makes me shake my head in disbelief, but I have worked hard at not letting it get me down. I really think we live in an "instant gratification" world these days wherein a lot of people act on impulse and then change their minds rather quickly. Sometimes, I feel like I'm in a music video -- you know the ones where someone is standing still while everything around him or her is moving really rapidly, just flashing by? I feel like I'm moving at one speed and everyone else is on an entirely different one sometimes. It can be a lonely feeling, but I find strength in knowing that I do what I believe is right for me, and it's worth it to NOT compromise myself, even if I have to be a little lonely sometimes. Hang in there...you're awesome, and I know you will find the right person for you. At least you're trying. I don't have it in me to try right now. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Thanks Batya but I think if he was seriously interested, he would not change his mind like that and just disappear - unless a shinier, newer penny caught his fancy. I realize men are different from women (VERY different) but if I am seriously interested in someone, it takes a lot more to drag me away. The level of serious interest after only 5 dates is often not that "serious" -I just meant that he might have seen potential and so he continued to ask you out and then something changed. It may not have changed suddenly -especially with meeting people through dating sites, a week can be a long time. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 The level of serious interest after only 5 dates is often not that "serious" -I just meant that he might have seen potential and so he continued to ask you out and then something changed. It may not have changed suddenly -especially with meeting people through dating sites, a week can be a long time. Agree, and he is definitely keeping his options open. Some certainly move more quickly than others! My friend met a guy from the same online dating site in early January. After three dates they decided to take their profiles down, become exclusive and have been consistently seeing each other 2-3 times a week. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 My friend met a guy from the same online dating site in early January. After three dates they decided to take their profiles down, become exclusive and have been consistently seeing each other 2-3 times a week. Pretty much what we did, though I think it was four or five dates in. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 I guess if someone doing online dating is looking for a relationship and they find a person also looking for the same, and things click, then things tend to move fairly quickly. Online dating is so exhausting....I don't know how anyone could keep it up for an extended period of time. Yet, some of the faces I see have been on there for YEARS. I've never been a good multi-dater or "field player". Who has the time or energy? I don't date someone more than once or twice if I'm not interested, or even at ALL. I just don't see the point nor do I want to lead the person on unnecessarily. At least I know he was attracted to me enough to want to date me five times... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I often found it draining and exhausting but I kept my eye on the prize. I wouldn't go on more than 4 dates unless I had the desire to kiss the person. With certain people it took me longer to figure out whether there was long term potential. I think your person was interested but also was interested in dating others and keeping his options open.Nothing wrong with that just not right for you. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Oh yeah.....the 'keeping your options open' kinda guy! Yep. I was told that is the way they do it now days....grrrr.... Back in my day...ya met at a bar...ya danced and kissed....he asked ya out...and wah-la....you were a couple until you broke up. Which was usually 3 months to a year....or more. If you were kissing on more than one person...ummm....bad, bad girl. The online dating thing....and the way young kids do things now....it's all multiples....ugh. I might date multiples...if multiples ever wanted to date me...but i'm having it hard enough to find ONE.....lol Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 I met men through dating sites when I was in my early-mid 30s, over a period of 5 years. I also met men various other ways. The only time we were exclusive from the beginning was in my current relationship -since we had dated in the past we got back together as an exclusive couple to see if we should get married. We were going to be long distance so neither of us wanted to get involved unless we were 100% serious with the same goals. In all other cases we would start dating and within a month or so discuss being exclusive. I knew some people who were exclusive from the get go but that was more unusual. There was no way -especially in my 30s -that I was going to put all my aging eggs in one basket for someone I barely knew as opposed to keeping my options open until we figured out whether we had long term potential. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 How old are you Batya...you don't have to answer if you don't want...but i have a friend in her late 30's and she's of the same mindset...but ya gotta realize...i'm 58....dammmm years old!!! Hell and gone from most people who are dating!!! Yeah...even in high school...we all went 'steady'...we either had a 'boyfriend' or we didn't. There was NO dating around....none. And when you went to prom...you went as a couple...or maybe a double date.... Years later...you went in these HUGE groups....just different times.... I never in my entire life had an 'exclusive' talk with someone. I mean...once i dated 3 guys at one time...but they didn't know it!!! Link to comment
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