How to explain a guy that I don't want to have sex any longer if we already had?

[PrettyGood]

Looking from a side, my issue is so irrelevant and simple to solve that it's even a shame to post it here. But I really want non-judgmental opinions and advice about it.

 

I am the type of girl who is a naive dreamer. I'm close to 30th, had tons of relationships which on the average never lasted longer than 2 years. My issue is that I'm such an easy believer that if I date a "perfect" person for 1 month and spend the most incredible time of my life, I start believing that it will go further to the stable relationships. So I never wait for a "talk" about relationship and in one month fall in that guy's bed to have sex.

 

This happened to me this time either. He was such a gentleman for 1 month and then he asked me to go with him and his friends for a 2 days holiday. I thought "Wow, now I will meet his friends and that's something" (we had sex twice before the trip and he didn't dump me). So we had the perfect evening there, but the second was crushed, because I started feeling insecure. While kissing him I wanted to say him a phrase from "L", but resisted myself. He noticed that and asked what's wrong? And here I made a mistake - started asking what is our status. I will never understand myself why I never asked this before having sex, but it happened. And he confessed that I am a "friend" whom he is dating, seeing as his future girlfriend someday, but not today, because it's too early yet. I was sad for that "title" the whole day so in the end of the holiday he just said that he really needs a space, because I was pushing him to commit, what just pushed him away and finally he said that he isn't ready for any kind of relationship with me. So I just gave him his stuff back and after the trip I haven't called him more even if he asked "So will we contact each other soon?"

 

As you can see from my situation, I was the only guilty for sleeping before the big talk and now I am dumped for clinginess. My question is - if he contact me someday, how should I explain him that if he wants to continue dating me - I can't have sex with him any longer? I mean I thought that this will lead somewhere? But now I just think that it would look stupid - if I already gave him sex without asking to be my boyfriend, why do I want to restrain myself now? How to explain him that in a sane reason?

[pl3asehelp]

How do you explain it to yourself?

[angrythoughts]

I don't think you should have asked your status before sleeping with him. It would have been way too early then. Maybe you should have waited or saved your questions for a better time. I know people say ask whatever, the worst they can say is no; but that is not true. You shouldn't of pushed all that stuff on him, especially in only a months time. I would have been a little weirded out by that too.

 

Was your relationship with him solely based on sex? If he does decide to hit you up to hangout and you hangout with him, don't mention "Oh, by the way, I'm not going to have sex with you because you're not committed to me." Just let things flow and if he tries something simply stop him in his tracks and say no. But it's too late for you to save sex for a relationship now. You had sex with him already, showed him your clingy side way early, and I don't think he's into you. It's best for you to move on with someone else and approach things differently.

[ToF]

I think this is a symptom of the much bigger problem you described in your first paragraph. What steps are you taking to address those problems? Because if you address those, you will not be nearly as likely to run into this problem again in the future.

[annie24]

If you aren't even dating, there is no need to worry about this conversation.

[camus154]

I've noticed that when people say outright that they want non-judgmental opinions about something, they more than likely already have all the answers they need.

 

I'm a bit confused why you're asking the question that you're asking....I wouldn't worry about him coming back around and needing to address this. Instead, I would focus on why you got in this situation to begin with, in order for you to avoid such a situation in the future.

[PaintWithLight]

If you aren't even dating, there is no need to worry about this conversation.

 

I agree with Annie. Why worry about the future. He will only come back around if he thinks he can get no strings sex. Women have to learn that once they engage in sex without defining the relationship, they are sunk. If they try to redefine it late, it gets flipped on them that they are clingy. You need to spend sometime figuring out how you end up in these situations and what to do differently if you want different results.

[CatchersRye]

I'll say this, first. Don't have sex until you are in an exclusive relationship. Don't talk about making the relationship exclusive until about 3 months into the relationship.

 

Within 3 months, you are still learning about each other, adjusting your schedule for each other, and building the communication, chemistry, foundation of whatever follows. Then you both are getting a better idea of what the other offers and whether you want to keep dating (but date others too), want to split, continue dating (non-exclusive, but no one else), or date exclusively.

 

Now this, tell him the truth. It will help you both grow. Don't lie to him and don't make something up for his benefit. The relationship will need honesty if you both want to continue it.

[itsallgrand]

So basically in your own head, heart, and reality you were already feeling and believing and behaving like the two of you were in an exclusive going-somewhere relationship?

 

I think you need to be more honest with yourself when you are first starting to get to know someone. It's alright. I tend to fall fast too and get that in my head if and when I start to sleep with someone - that is really why I wait until we are together and have some real foundation to work without before getting in bed. I think I'd be pretty crushed to get to the point where you do, and you say you do this a lot?!, to start to fall for someone and be intimate with them and then have them say "oh I see you as a friend" (who he f/s). Ugh.

 

So are you ready to break your pattern?

 

I agree with the others that it isn't really important or worth worrying about what to do if he comes contacting you again, as far as explaining yourself and how you feel. But if he does...and he very well might, sensing an opportunity for sex and to prey on your vulnerable feelings (not that you would be a victim, but you ARE now in a more vulnerable position when it comes to him and wanting to hear what you want to hear. ....If he does....just tell the truth. ? No thanks, I think it's better if we don't. He'll likely disappear ...but that is ok.

[PrettyGood]

Guys, I really appreciate your honest opinions. And I really needed to face the truth that I'm doing that in a wrong way. Well it's really sad that I started everything from another side than having a fair conversation

[blueidealist24]

I'll say this, first. Don't have sex until you are in an exclusive relationship. Don't talk about making the relationship exclusive until about 3 months into the relationship.

 

Within 3 months, you are still learning about each other, adjusting your schedule for each other, and building the communication, chemistry, foundation of whatever follows. Then you both are getting a better idea of what the other offers and whether you want to keep dating (but date others too), want to split, continue dating (non-exclusive, but no one else), or date exclusively.

 

Now this, tell him the truth. It will help you both grow. Don't lie to him and don't make something up for his benefit. The relationship will need honesty if you both want to continue it.

 

I totally agree with this. Don't sleep with the guy so soon, if he bails because he's not getting sex then he was only in it for the sex anyway. And just tell this current guy if you get back together that you can't have sex anymore. Explain what you explained to us, except maybe not in so much detail, just that you've decided that having sex before exclusivity has been a problem for you so you've decided to pull back. If he has a problem with that, once again, it was mostly about sex for him. You have a right to change your mind.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs OP, I really feel for you. Whilst I understand what the other posters have said and you describing yourself as a naeve dreamer, I'e been with men much longer, and they have turned about and done a switch. Sorry all, but it just irks me that in this day and age, women are still expected to withhold sex as the big prize for men making a commitment to them.

[camus154]

Hugs OP, I really feel for you. Whilst I understand what the other posters have said and you describing yourself as a naeve dreamer, I'e been with men much longer, and they have turned about and done a switch. Sorry all, but it just irks me that in this day and age, women are still expected to withhold sex as the big prize for men making a commitment to them.

 

I don't think this is about withholding sex. Women are free to have sex as soon as they'd like.

 

The problem comes from expecting sex to equal something more.

[itsallgrand]

Hugs OP, I really feel for you. Whilst I understand what the other posters have said and you describing yourself as a naeve dreamer, I'e been with men much longer, and they have turned about and done a switch. Sorry all, but it just irks me that in this day and age, women are still expected to withhold sex as the big prize for men making a commitment to them.

 

I get what you mean.

 

But if you are someone who gets attached through sex - man or woman - it's not so much about holding out some prize as it is self preservation. That's how I see it anyways.

[pl3asehelp]

Sex only has whatever meaning you assign to it. If you think it's something that's part of a committed long term relationship, treat it that way. This will be a natural filter for you. The men who don't see it like you do will pass on you, which is good for you.

[blueidealist24]

I get what you mean.

 

But if you are someone who gets attached through sex - man or woman - it's not so much about holding out some prize as it is self preservation. That's how I see it anyways.

 

Yeah, exactly. It's protecting yourself, not taking something away from the other person.

[Godless_Heathen]

But if you are someone who gets attached through sex - man or woman - it's not so much about holding out some prize as it is self preservation. That's how I see it anyways.

I get attached through sex, but I don't withhold it. As I see it, "withholding" sex is when you put off sex even though you genuinely want it yourself. I've only had sex "too soon" once. By "too soon" I mean I was ready for the emotional attachment and commitment that goes with sex in my mind, and she wasn't at the same point yet. That was the story of that relationship from day one: I was always pushing forward for more and she was always pushing me away. So that was something that was peculiar to that particular relationship.

 

I find it difficult to give advice to the original poster, however, since I've just never been where she is. I seem to pick women for whom the conflict would never arise - if we were sleeping together, there was no question we were "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend, since it's a significant emotional step. Maybe it's a generational thing, since I'm 47.

[itsallgrand]

Well I wish for such simplicity!

 

That is the ideal situation, eh...everyone is on board with the same intentions and general emotional place. I guess it's just a matter of each person trying to find that with someone else...I don't really believe in being formulaic in relationships or with sex...but from experience, my heart (and libido) wouldn't be able to take having a man flip around and do what OP's dude did. And I'm someone who is generally pretty upfront and can't hide my emotions, so even if that does scare some guys away....not the ones who I've ever had anything meaningful with.

 

General principle: you gotta be true to your own needs and self. F what other people say is proper - it's about what works. For you.

[Fudgie]

It's not about "withholding sex as a 'prize'". The reason why you shouldn't bed a guy after a few dates is just that it's TOO EARLY to even know if your goals match up. OP, you go to bed with these guys without any talk or even conversation about if you both WANT a relationship at all. This is a problem. You keep setting yourself up to be hurt and disappointed. My advice is to wait on the sex, even just to determine that he IS looking for a RELATIONSHIP. It's as easy as that. You guys need to have the talk because then at least you know soon that you both have the same goals and isn't just looking for free sex. I think you are right, you tend to be a little naive and think that if you just date and bed a guy who seems "perfect", it will fall into place. Doesn't work like that.

[Minx2012]

Is it so wrong to get attached through sex though? This is the "Christian" mentality of always putting the sexual aspect of a relationship as "secondary" or "inferior" to the mental part. I always thought that the mental / emotional is equal with the sexual part of the relationship.

 

I've always been very direct with my previous lovers when I was single. I was honest with them that stating that I enjoy, value, love sex with one person but I told them not to mistake me for a *****, for I ALWAYS value the sexual moments that I have with my lover. I told them that it's ok to indulge in each other sexually, so long as they don't play the " cold , immature games " ( " I'm too cool to text her and tell her that I miss her " crap ) and we enjoy it for what it is, in our own bubble of reality, separate from everyone else. In other words, I create a very exclusive, sexual, hedonistic world that only he and I share......but the minute we both exit the bedroom to live our regular lives, go to work etc...then he can do whatever he wants. Due to that unique exclusivity that he has with me and the fact that I don't put any pressure for commitment ( bc I don't necessarily want a commitment ), it works well. However, there were times when I would really like a guy and I would tell him. By then, the sex is so intense and wonderful, that he has already fallen for me as well...and thus, begins, my long-term relationships. In fact, that's how me and my current boyfriend started ( it's been 5 years strong, going on 6 years now

[Fudgie]

^ It's because it's a waste of time to get attached through sex and THEN find out that you don't even have the same goals as the other person. Talking it out beforehand and going on a couple more dates to do so saves you a lot of time and heartache later because you don't have to sex them up and THEN realize that they aren't right for you.

 

That's how I feel, and I am not religious, and DEFINITELY not Christian.

[Silverbirch]

I guess the bigger picture, and not disregarding other people's opinions, some of which I agree with - no matter how long the period of time is, when you get involved with someone, sexual or otherwise - you risk getting hurt. Even if you hadn't slept with him, you still could have been hurt. Only you can know if you become more hurt through having sex. Sometimes I think I am the last person who could ever be an expert on relationships so I can't blame anyone for disregarding my opinions on this. As a woman though, I have sex because I like it and I want to - and I only have it with who I want to. Still, whilst I'm further down the track - almost a year into a relationship, I still have to remind myself to protect my heart. I was with my ex much longer when we had sex, and he was the one pushing for a "relationship". After a couple of years had gone by, none of that stopped me from getting hurt.

 

I have to wonder OP, if you put aside the issues of the talk and sex, would he still be a guy you are generally interested in and not just settling for?

 

This might shock a few people, but at least if you have sex early on, you might get a idea of whether or not that person is sexually compatible with you. What if you "withheld" for a substantial period of time and then found out he was a dud in the sack???LOL