Why am I not attracting females?

[Miss Firecracker]

I've seen people who I think are gorgeous with people I think look like genetic dead ends.

 

I've never heard it put in such a sad way. Genetic dead ends. That depressed me. And I'm on Zoloft.

 

Dougie, I think you are just going in circles here. It's the same thread over and over. I know you must be sick of hearing the same things from different people.

[agent1607307371]

@Miss Firecracker - sorry, hyperbole

[lostandhurt]

Okay the common theme I keep hearing from you is that you are not happy with your life in general. You don't feel like you have been successful in anything.

 

This comes accross loud and clear in a social setting. Without seeing you in action I would guess you are trying to hard to fake it.

 

Other than coming here and asking questions what are you doing to improve your life? Please answer the questions below.

 

1. Do you work out at all?

2. Do you have a goal for your physical fitness/appearance?

3. Do you work?

4. Do you have hobbies?

5. Do you have physical activities you do with friends? (cycling, basketball, running)

6. Do you feel like you are self sufficient? (no help from mom and dad)

7. Do you feel like you have a lot to offer a woman if you were in a relationship?

8. Have you ever made a list (mental of in writing) of the things you want to improve in your life? If so were you able to check any of those things off the list?

9. What are you willing to do to get the things that you want for your life?

10. If what you have been doing for almost half your life isn't working are you willing to do a 180 and go a different direction?

 

Answer these questions with brutal honesty and then we can see what is on the horizon for your life.

 

Lost

[Blue Spiral]

Dougie: like you, I've struggled to be happy and find success, in life. Also, just being brutally honest (which seems to be a developing theme in this thread), I can tell you that my social skills suck (though I've spent the last twenty years trying to improve them) and that I'm not particularly attractive.

 

But, despite that, I've had two relationships, numerous FWBs, and several situations that could have turned into relationships, if I'd wanted. That's because I understand my limitations and put myself in position to be effective. For me, that means online approaches. (Congratulations, incidentally, you've already asked out/cold-approached more women than I ever have. I tried it once and flamed out; never again.) Given your situation, I don't think that meat-market-type places are where you should be trying to approach women.

 

That said, I don't think you should try to find women through "interests" or "activities" either. The types of women you're going to be compatible with--maybe low self-esteem, maybe they've been burned and just want a non-threatening guy--probably aren't all that social, and they aren't going to be running around playing volleyball or something. I maintain that you're going to find them online, but that's just my opinion.

[camus154]

Genetic dead ends. That's brilliant

 

You know how you see some comedians and by looks alone, you think, "Of course they became a comedian. That was their only option."

 

Not saying you need to be a comedian, OP, but the point is, it's far more attractive and empowering to be realistic about yourself than it is to either be delusional or bitter about it. Being able to joke about your own short-comings communicates two powerful things: 1) you're secure enough to face reality, and 2) you don't take yourself too damned seriously. And believe me, that's a precious trait to have in today's world.

 

You may not be able to swing being an underwear model, but you can carry yourself with a presence that makes up for it.

[resilient7]

True,those 2 points that camus154 just gave you are gold,take heed Doughie!

[Generation]

I guess what I'm trying to say is: What is the easiest thing to work on to attract a lady?

 

Looks.

 

You can act like the biggest dork there is while wearing rage comic shirts, but if you're handsome, you'll get women approaching you with lines like "omg those comics are so funny!" just so they can get the chance to talk to you. But if you didn't have the looks, sure they might notice your shirt, but they won't say anything, they'll probably just see you as a dork.

 

Now you might not be able to make yourself as handsome as an A&F model, but you can work on your appearance some way or another to make yourself way more presentable. Getting nicer clothing and a new haircut will only take you so far. Those are instant gratification quick fixes. If you ask me, it's not enough, not even close.

 

Looks are the easiest thing to work on, but it won't happen overnight the same way buying new clothes or getting a new haircut happens overnight. I'm talking about working out, losing weight, and remodeling your entire appearance. I know this sounds drastic, but for you, considering the position you're in, it's gonna be something you're gonna have to do if you want to see any real change in your successes and failures. I'm being brutally honest with you, go get a personal trainer and start lifting weights. It'll set you apart that much from your current self. Go get jacked. Even if you were still ugly (face [good news: you probably won't be]) at least you'll have a sexy body. Now that's something!

 

You've done just about everything else except get stinking rich which is probably the hardest thing to do, so why not?

[Dougie_D]

1. Do you work out at all?

2. Do you have a goal for your physical fitness/appearance?

3. Do you work?

4. Do you have hobbies?

5. Do you have physical activities you do with friends? (cycling, basketball, running)

6. Do you feel like you are self sufficient? (no help from mom and dad)

7. Do you feel like you have a lot to offer a woman if you were in a relationship?

8. Have you ever made a list (mental of in writing) of the things you want to improve in your life? If so were you able to check any of those things off the list?

9. What are you willing to do to get the things that you want for your life?

10. If what you have been doing for almost half your life isn't working are you willing to do a 180 and go a different direction?

 

1. Yes, usually twice a week.

2. Lose weight and be toned.

3. Sort of - I don't get paid for my "work" and if I do, I have to beg.

4. Yes, I like mini golf, real golf, basketball, bowling, pool, darts, playing guitar, songwriting, going out to shows, going to see movies

5. No, not really. I only went once with a friend at co-ed vollyball here in LA. Back when I was in TN I had a friend that was really into riding bikes, running. I would do that with him maybe every two weeks. If someone invites me to do stuff, I'll usually hang out. Sometimes I would jog for a mile or so...but I don't live anywhere so it's harder.

6. No. I have no money if my parents to help out.

7. Yes, I bring encouragement to the table. I believe I'm a really cool guy to be around. I can make people laugh.

8. I probably did in the past. Not sure. Maybe I threw it out? I have a long list of things I want to do.

9. I don't understand this question? I'm willing to do what I have to but I'm not going to settle. I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm back-tracking in life. I need to move forward. I'm willing to work at it if I believe there will be real results.

10. Yes, as long as I'm going to get results in a timely manner!

 

 

Being able to joke about your own short-comings communicates two powerful things: 1) you're secure enough to face reality, and 2) you don't take yourself too damned seriously. And believe me, that's a precious trait to have in today's world.

 

I'm not sure about that. I've been joking about my short-comings pretty much all my life. I believe that's actually HURT me more than anything. I don't think girls like a guy that puts himself down.

[lalalollipops]

^ You look like you have a gut. Probably best to hit the gym.

 

 

Oh and get a new hairstyle. Looks like somebody let loose with a mini machete on ya.

Blindfolded.

[abitbroken]

Okay - here's the thing Dougie.

 

Speaking as a woman with years of experience being one, I don't assess guys based on if they jog or not. It seems like you have a variety of interests as far as possible activities for dates and can go with the flow (going to movies or concerts, bowling, shooting some hoops, jamming...). That might be fine if you are looking to go on a date in your teens and some 20s...but in my 30s, when I am looking for a guy who might be "the one" I am looking for something deeper.

 

Honestly - a lot of the stuff you list has a work around or some women won't care about - but the dealbreaker is your parents sending you your income. You have got to break this if you ever want to meet a woman and have a meaningful relationship. Being that, the only women you might meet are the type of women who want to "fix" a guy or someone who is extremely young - too young for you - who is being supported by her parents - but she may outgrow you.

 

This may mean that you face some hard facts. The business that you are in and the job you choose - you are doing a lot for free or little money in hopes that you get behind a band or group that gets booked or signed. Things are not on the build where money is starting to come in. it is catch as catch can. If this is so, then you need to either get a "day job" doing whatever even waiting tables and living your dream at the other hours or putting this down and finding something that you can enjoy doing that allows you to break free from your parents wallet.

 

If you get a job that breaks you free of that even if its not your dream job, you will find your life changing. Making your own choices, and being free to make your own way is amazing. Sock a bunch of money away during that time and then decide if you want to stick with it, or you have built enough good will and skill to quit someday when the one or two bands you take on at a time because of your schedule take off. This may even mean going to work in the type of music your parents do to gain more experience or a steady paycheck only if someone hires you other than your folks - or something totally different.

 

It is never the best to work at a job with no pay that depends on someone ELSE becoming a success. Or it takes an extremely skilled eye to recognize the right people and you just aren't doing that...or to work as a team so no one is doing it all and at a total loss.

 

Anyway - this is not what you want to hear. But at some time - you need to grow into a full adult who is not dependent on your parents. And as soon as you do that - women take notice. It might take you 3 months, 6 months, 2 years to do this all, but it is certainly better than spinning your wheels for 5 - and ending up being a hanger on, or the guy who has stuff paid for by his folks.

 

its not snobbery - women in their 30s, etc, might be looking for a guy who is "the one" and its not attractive to think that you will meet a guy and have to support him 100% as well as any children because his parents did before and he doesn't know any different. It is one thing if a guy makes no money because he is doing a legitimate internship or if the couple decides he will be mr. mom, but not what you are doing. It is another thing if a guy seems to be not capable to survive without his parents, and is not a good steward of the resources he is getting.

 

So anyways, that is my two cents. You can get tons of new hairstyles, you can change your shirt, you can learn to play backgammon or learn how to rock climb and its all just superficial changes. When you truly are in control of your own life - even though you have to make choices sometimes that are bummers - that is what is going to make the difference.

[abitbroken]

9. I don't understand this question? I'm willing to do what I have to but I'm not going to settle. I don't want to put myself in a situation where I'm back-tracking in life. I need to move forward. I'm willing to work at it if I believe there will be real results.

 

10. Yes, as long as I'm going to get results in a timely manner!

 

When you make changes, there is no guarantee what the results will be exactly. Yes, if you make positive changes like improving your self esteem and really feeling different inside the change will be positive but no one can say what exactly will HAPPEN after that.

 

Also, you can decide "i am not going to make a change because the results will take too long to realize and they will take too long to do" but you can either start making changes that will take 3 weeks to 3 years to really come full circle, or you can sit around for 3 years wondering when you are going to find that quick fix that will change things in a week.

[wsim]

This is probably going to sound vague and difficult to decipher... but after a lifetime of rejection and failure with women/dating, I've realized something. Like yourself, I never had any luck or success with women. The key point here is that you can be a good and nice guy, communicate well with women, share common interests, listen to her and show nothing but class, respect and courtesy. This may seem to be great things, but in the grand scheme it is irrelevant and won't help you much. Why is this the case? Any self-respecting women would expect men to do the above, there is nothing special about it. These are just social norms.

 

Therefore, you need to find something that makes you stand out against the other average or ordinary guys. Of course looks play a role, but beyond that women are attracted to men as a result of at least one endearing or special quality that creates a spark or chemistry. The challenge is finding and demonstrating it to women by specific actions. As it stands, I am taking a hiatus and break from the dating game in order to try and discover and find "it". From my constant experiences of failure, I have learned that I do not have anything that makes me stand out or endearing. I hope that eventually I can find this, but I've accepted the reality that if I cannot find and/or demonstrate this to women, then I will not attract or find anyone at all.

 

Yes, this appears to be fairly harsh and depressing, but that is my new philosophy and mindset.

[calichick007]

No woman is going to want a 30-something year old man with no real job, living off his parents. You're going to have to accept that reality sooner or later. You will continue to have problems as long as you paint having a real job as "backtracking." It's pretty impossible to backtrack from being a grown man content to live off his elderly parents.

[pippy longstocking]

dougie I don't know how you can come on and do this to yourself , you must feel like hell when you leave this forum , yet I know you ask for the truth and peoples opinions ...

 

but so far you have had your hair , your body , your homelife, your employment status and you looks brought under the

microscope and told they are not good enough ..

 

and that makes me sad ... please have some confidence in you ... in who you are and what you look like , cos you look fine to me fella ..

[Dougie_D]

Thanks for the kind words Shooting Star.

 

To be honest, it does seem like I all have to do is get a "real job" and lose weight, right? Well, I had that for awhile.

 

There was a time when I was working for Sam's Club and I weighed probably about 10 lbs less. But nothing had changed back then. I still didn't attract women.

 

I think people on here think I just sit around and wish for my job. No. I actually look online and submit for things. At least I have ambition and desire!!

 

What is a "real" job? I'm looking for a job in my field. Getting a job like Sam's Club again will make me feel "less of a person". I would definitely have NO confidence in myself whatever because I have felt I have FAILED myself.

 

Oh, and I don't tell people right away...especially woman...that I have no real job and I majority of my monies are from my parents. I say "I work in the music business. I manage bands and book shows." And that's the truth! The money exchange is very low and on a commission value only.

[Coconut Twin]

Yea i agree Doughie, there are a lot of assumptions going on.

 

You're actively seeking work and have ambition - that says something! Some posters here are being a bit harsh. I, actually wonder whether it's for their own personal kick, seriously. Sad really - I agree with Star! Hopefully it doesn't affect you, and it SHOULDN'T.

 

You are not bad looking, but if YOU want to loose weight do it for you, if your weight isn't a health risk and YOU feel happy physically don't do it - and as you said, even when you were 10lbs lighter you didn't attract women so I I think this is beyond skin. Happiness starts from the inside out as we all know. All you need to do is get your life in order.

 

Again very sad posters on here, some who are going on all immature (you know who you are) yet if the shoe was put on the other foot and they ended up in a similar predicament (because let's face it, we don't know what the future brings) let's see how they'd handle it...

 

Chin up mate!!

[Miss Firecracker]

I am sure no one here is trying to get their kicks in their replies. Seriously, that is just not true.

 

I am glad my son wouldn't consider himself a failure and just quit working and let us worry about his welfare.

[epsilon2x]

Completely random and off topic but this is directed at Mr. Dougie_D.

 

I remember some of your other posts you were having problems finding a job.

 

It seems that every single one your threads you start seem to generate at least 5 pages of replies. I'm pointing out that you are good at captivating audiences. You should get into some free lance work with web design/blogging and write out all your ideas. I'm sure you could get a large following, sell ebooks, merchandise ie Tshirts that say Dougie_D in big letters or something. It could even help you get a girlfriend once you turn into an internet super star.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Coconut Twin]

Firecracker - It's just what I've noticed. Obviously there are some posters here who are being constructive, not going to knock that..

[pippy longstocking]

yeah I know you have done some really intersting stuff work wise with the bands ..I remember reading that before .

 

 

and for the record dougie ..I personally like a man to look like a man ...and you do

[erzerum7]

I agree with what's been said before. The main factors are getting a permanent and stable job that gives you a decent and *predictable* income...and also working on losing some weight. I think once those two things are in place, your success with women will be much greater than it has been up until now.

[bulletproof]

 

You're actively seeking work and have ambition - that says something! Some posters here are being a bit harsh. I, actually wonder whether it's for their own personal kick, seriously. Sad really - I agree with Star! Hopefully it doesn't affect you, and it SHOULDN'T.

 

Again very sad posters on here, some who are going on all immature (you know who you are) yet if the shoe was put on the other foot and they ended up in a similar predicament (because let's face it, we don't know what the future brings) let's see how they'd handle it...

 

 

I'm curious- have you seen the o.p.'s prior threads? Understand that a lot of posters who are familiar with the o.p.'s situation, and that's why they're responding the way they are.

[Miss Firecracker]

Completely random and off topic but this is directed at Mr. Dougie_D.

 

I remember some of your other posts you were having problems finding a job.

 

It seems that every single one your threads you start seem to generate at least 5 pages of replies. I'm pointing out that you are good at captivating audiences. You should get into some free lance work with web design/blogging and write out all your ideas. I'm sure you could get a large following, sell ebooks, merchandise ie Tshirts that say Dougie_D in big letters or something. It could even help you get a girlfriend once you turn into an internet super star.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Dougie had a video awhile back, can't remember where it was. I have to admit he had my attention. It was funny.

[pippy longstocking]

Dougie had a video awhile back, can't remember where it was. I have to admit he had my attention. It was funny.

 

ermmm ..how come I didnt see this miss F ..I hope it wasn't a private screening

 

"Dougie does Dallas"

 

 

aye... dropped yourselves in it now

[Coconut Twin]

I'm curious- have you seen the o.p.'s prior threads? Understand that a lot of posters who are familiar with the o.p.'s situation, and that's why they're responding the way they are.

 

Ah I was unaware - Didn't know there was a Dougie epic going on lol. I thought this was a fresh post

 

Well anyway, I hope he takes the constructive criticisms on board.