Why am I not attracting females?

[blueidealist24]

This is probably true. It doesn't change the fact that Dougie needs to get a new/real job, but it seems that looks - as always - are paramount.

 

Yes, people go on and on about his job or lack thereof, but the only place I see people looking to date caring that much about someone's finances or career is online. Out in the real world, it seems like looks/charisma run the show. At a bar, you choose who you're going to talk to by who looks fun and who looks good. You don't go up and say, "Hi, I'm Joe, and I made $75,000 a year, what do you make? Oh yeah, btw, what kind of car do you drive? Do you have any debts?" Or if you did, you'd probably get laughed at. Yeah, you might ask those things later on in the relationship, like when considering marriage, but Dougie's just trying to get his foot in the door. I actually find it extremely judgmental and offensive when people I just started talking to ask me questions about my finances before even meeting me or after one date (and the only place that's EVER happened is with online dating - people in real life don't seem to give a cr*p as long as I'm pleasant and interesting and cute).

[Dougie_D]

Yeah, I'm starting to feel that Physical Attraction is the MAIN reason.. People telling me to get a "real job" is not the real answer to my question, and I think they know it. They just needed another answer.

 

I get it. I need to lose some weight. I've been working on it.

 

I'm not ready to get married or settle down. I'm looking for my first Kiss! My first sexual experience! My first relationship? If I had a one night stand, that's cool for me! Or if I end up dating a girl! That's cool for me!

[Fudgie]

I'm curious as to how all the women screaming "be a real man, a provider, etc." would feel if some guy posting here said "I want a real woman, a thin woman with big breasts and a wide pelvis, who can cook, clean, wash, sew, knit, and grow her own garden fruits and vegetables." Oh wait...

 

Dougie needs to get a real job, but some of the chicks here need to take a long hard look in the mirror before denigrating someone's lack of maturity.

 

Hey, it's good advice for anyone, not just men or Dougie. I have a job and work full-time and expect my partner to do the same. I would never expect a partner to have something that I don't. Everyone should strive to be self-sufficient.

 

In past threads, Dougie has admitted that he doesn't have any solid work and his family pays his bills and whatnot. He's 31 and if he wants to succeed in both the dating world and the real world, he needs to get on the ball to get some real work experience. ANYTHING would help. Working a part-time at some low-paying job would be a good step in the right direction. He doesn't have that right now.

 

Dougie's getting a job WILL help him in the dating world because over time, it's going to give him confidence. He should work on becoming more self-reliant and when he does, he's going to feel better about himself because he's not leeching on his parents. This WILL translate over to dating and meeting women. He needs to make the appropriate changes in his life to become a better person and reach his goals and be self-sufficient.

 

By all means, Dougie, go to the gym and get yourself more in shape if you want. That will help. But there are other things you can do in the meantime. A good workout will take 45-60 min a day. Use the rest of the time to find a job.

[wsim]

This is true. Money and career success is easily trumped by attraction/personality. For instance, I have no debt and significantly more in savings/investments than many other people around my age. I have a stable and decent job with good working hours. Women do not flock to me, nor have I had any success with them. The reason being is that I'm an average-looking guy that is still struggling to discover my own qualities and something special that I can offer to women. At this time, I do not have what it takes and taking a break from the dating world to figure this out.

 

Being nice, showing class and courtesy, is great but you need more for women to be interested. If you think about it, these good qualities are not really important in the early stages when trying to attract women.

[tiredofvampires]

Yeah, I'm starting to feel that Physical Attraction is the MAIN reason.. People telling me to get a "real job" is not the real answer to my question, and I think they know it. They just needed another answer.

 

Actually, you just needed another excuse. Another excuse to explain why you don't have to put in any real work.

 

So -- you've asked the question in your thread title, "Why am I not attracting females?"

 

And after over 100 posts in this thread alone, this is the answer:

 

You need to lose 20 pounds.

 

Is that it then, can we end the thread and move on?

 

So that you can hit the gym, work out for another couple of months, and tell us all the good news about how your love life is going? Time's a-wasting here.

 

I'm not sure how we could have taken so long to stumble upon this. I'm glad after hundreds upon hundreds of posts, volumes of pages, and countless threads, we've finally discovered the key is in more sets of crunches. Better late than never, I say!

 

Meanwhile, you dodged my question about whether you see it as a problem that you have no work ethic (which you agreed with me, you don't).

 

My first relationship?

 

Like therapy, like schoolwork, like building your career step by step, like attaining the look you want, relationships are work, they don't come easy, and to keep one going, you have to do things you sometimes would prefer not to do.

 

So it still requires work ethic (which includes stick-to-it-ness).

 

I spot a problem....

[calichick007]

I'm curious as to how all the women screaming "be a real man, a provider, etc." would feel if some guy posting here said "I want a real woman, a thin woman with big breasts and a wide pelvis, who can cook, clean, wash, sew, knit, and grow her own garden fruits and vegetables." Oh wait...

 

Dougie needs to get a real job, but some of the chicks here need to take a long hard look in the mirror before denigrating someone's lack of maturity.

 

Oh, give me a break. There is nothing mature about being 31 and content to live off your parents. Period. I want a man who is a provider, but I do not expect a man who goes out and earns money while I sit at home with my feet up, eating bon-bons. I have a professional degree myself and earn a mid 6-figure salary. I don't demand that my partner make more than I do, or even as much. But I do demand that he be able to contribute to the household in a meaningful way, just as I am prepared to do. No way I'm waking up every morning, going to work for 10-12 hours, and leaving a man behind on the couch because he thinks he's too good for a 9-5. Unthinkable, and the vast majority of grown women would feel the same way.

[calichick007]

Blueidealist, I might agree with you if Dougie were in his late teens or early 20s. He's into his 30s now... women in his age range are likely looking for something different than than they were looking for in their early 20s. In my early 20s, I was content dating a guy as long as he was good-looking, nice enough, and fun. At 30, I consider financial stability, work ethic, reliability, and a lot of other qualities that I'd want in a husband - but could do without in a casual boyfriend. He'd have to find the elusive 30ish year-old woman who wants a casual fling and doesn't care if a guy can't afford to take her on a date.

[Fudgie]

Dougie is in a bit of a tight spot right now because...

 

He currently doesn't have the financial stability/independence to attract a woman his age, who will expect their partner to have jobs, just like them.

 

So that leaves younger women who don't care about finances or goals or anything. Well, you better get in shape though because women like that are going to want guys who look chiseled and hot. That's what young women who aren't concerned about the future are into.

[calichick007]

^^^ Exactly. Women in his age range are more likely to be forgiving about aesthetics if other qualities are there (independence, work ethic, stability, reliability, intelligence, kindness, etc.).

[tiredofvampires]

So that leaves younger women who don't care about finances or goals or anything. Well, you better get in shape though because women like that are going to want guys who look chiseled and hot. That's what young women who aren't concerned about the future are into.

 

Yes, but even then -- I would say this represents a very typical list of what primarily draws women of any age (of course, it's a bit dangerous to generalize, but as we are doing that anyway, this is a very broad brushstroke) -- and this is in order, from most important "have's" to least-important "have's":

 

-- Charismatic

-- Intelligent conversationalist

-- Funny, witty, clever -- makes you and others laugh

-- Emotionally perceptive, emotionally intriguing

-- Handsome face

-- Hot body

 

Even though the physical considerations are in there, if you only had those last 2 and not the first 4, you wouldn't last longer than a one night stand (at best) for most women, even in their 20's.

 

Whereas if you had the first 4, but not the last 2, you'd make out like a bandit.

 

OP, feel free to use that as a personal checklist.

[Fudgie]

I agree with that list, ToV. I've seen some pretty not-so-handsome looking guys who are VERY popular with women because they are charming, intelligent, and just are great socially. They are INTERESTING and intriguing and you can feel that confidence. You WANT to get to know them. I would date someone like that, absolutely. It's not a wonder why guys like this are a hit with the ladies.

 

Guys who aren't really in shape but stay at home and get upset all day over being single are missing something personality-wise and it's not helping their cause.

[bulletproof]

Yeah, I'm starting to feel that Physical Attraction is the MAIN reason.. People telling me to get a "real job" is not the real answer to my question, and I think they know it. They just needed another answer.

 

 

I think it's interesting that you've gotten so much feedback saying it isn't physical, yet you will jump on the one or two posts that agree with your original theory.

 

Why would strangers on the internet need another answer? Look at the big picture. You're a thirty-year-old guy who is

1. unemployed

2. still letting your parents support you

3. consistently negative and big on complaining

4. out of shape

5. distrustful of women

 

So posters here are just choosing the easiest thing to fix first- your job status. The other stuff will require even more work, things like therapy and exercise and a serious amount of self-reflection.

[agent1607307371]

Dougie, I think I remember reading that your parents were going to cut you off. Is that right, and if so is that still a possibility?

[F63]

Well, there are many important things, but realistically, looks do matter...

[jonny15]

^^^ Exactly. Women in his age range are more likely to be forgiving about aesthetics if other qualities are there (independence, work ethic, stability, reliability, intelligence, kindness, etc.).

 

Does that mean if your broke and ugly, your screwed?

 

I know that i'm both, and will probably be both till i'm dead.

[Fudgie]

Does that mean if your broke and ugly, your screwed?

 

I know that i'm both, and will probably be both till i'm dead.

 

If you have other good qualities like calichick mentioned, then you still have a chance. Not one that she mentioned has to do with having oodles of money. Having stability is not necessarily about being rich. My bf has a steady job but he doesn't make a lot.

 

If you do not have much in the way of looks, you don't have a job, and you don't have a good personality....well, those 3 things together....

[blueidealist24]

Yeah, I'm starting to feel that Physical Attraction is the MAIN reason.. People telling me to get a "real job" is not the real answer to my question, and I think they know it. They just needed another answer.

 

I get it. I need to lose some weight. I've been working on it.

 

I'm not ready to get married or settle down. I'm looking for my first Kiss! My first sexual experience! My first relationship? If I had a one night stand, that's cool for me! Or if I end up dating a girl! That's cool for me!

 

You're right.. if it was all about jobs, why would tons of men who are on welfare be dating/married while some CEOs are alone? I know some guys who work in finance or engineering and they're the loneliest guys ever. They can't interact socially with people and while they aren't downright ugly, they aren't that good looking. They have trouble finding dates. Whereas some guys who work in manual labour that I know have been married since they were 22 or if not married, are quite popular with the ladies.

 

Everyone's saying that women over 30 are looking to get married and settle down, but not necessarily all of them. There are women who are between relationships and are just looking for fun at the moment, maybe totally burnt out when it comes to serious relationships. There also are women in their 30s who have little dating experience like you do even if they are few and far between. Plus, it doesn't have to be a woman in her 30s, I'm not saying it could be an 18 year old but it could be someone around 25-26. That's not that big of an age difference.

 

Obviously what most people on here are referring to, the job thing, isn't working or else these threads wouldn't be popping up every few weeks.

 

Btw, I hate guys who think that because they make tons of money, that they can treat women like jerks and we'll just stick around and put up with it because they're in banking or something. Nah, I'm outta there (I might have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder because of one of my own situations but I would rather date an unemployed guy than a well-employed guy who sees everything as a business transaction).

 

Seriously, Dougie, drop 20 lbs and see what happens. You might even be more desirable in the music business as an employee since I think your industry is pretty focused on looks.

[jonny15]

If you have other good qualities like calichick mentioned, then you still have a chance. Not one that she mentioned has to do with having oodles of money. Having stability is not necessarily about being rich. My bf has a steady job but he doesn't make a lot.

 

If you do not have much in the way of looks, you don't have a job, and you don't have a good personality....well, those 3 things together....

 

I think my personality is good. But doesn't everyone think they have a good personality?

 

I think I might have three strikes since i've never been good at getting people to like me in general.

[bulletproof]

You're right.. if it was all about jobs, why would tons of men who are on welfare be dating/married while some CEOs are alone? I know some guys who work in finance or engineering and they're the loneliest guys ever. They can't interact socially with people and while they aren't downright ugly, they aren't that good looking. They have trouble finding dates. Whereas some guys who work in manual labour that I know have been married since they were 22 or if not married, are quite popular with the ladies.

 

We aren't telling him it's "all about jobs." What people are saying is that right now, he has almost nothing to bring to the table of a relationship. You are correct when you say that very good-looking people may be able to coast on their looks a bit more (though who knows for how long that really keeps them or their partners happy), but the fact is, most people are average-looking. You are also not looking at the fact that yes, some people are on welfare and get into a relationship, but what type of people do they date?

[Fudgie]

I think my personality is good. But doesn't everyone think they have a good personality?

 

I think I might have three strikes since i've never been good at getting people to like me in general.

 

Everyone thinks their own personality is good, obviously. People are bad at self-evaluation. But some have good personalities, some have okay ones, and some have bad ones.

 

I know for me, I'm great for some people, not great for others. No one is going to attract everyone or get everyone to like them with their personality. That's just life.

[jonny15]

Everyone thinks their own personality is good, obviously. People are bad at self-evaluation. But some have good personalities, some have okay ones, and some have bad ones.

 

I know for me, I'm great for some people, not great for others. No one is going to attract everyone or get everyone to like them with their personality. That's just life.

 

 

The only people i'm good with are in my family. And I sometimes get the feeling they only pay me attention because i'm related to them, and would probably see me as a weirdo that they would laugh at if I wasnt related to them.

[Fudgie]

The only people i'm good with are in my family. And I sometimes get the feeling they only pay me attention because i'm related to them, and would probably see me as a weirdo that they would laugh at if I wasnt related to them.

 

Well it's hard to know with family. I guess you just gotta get out there and try to connect with others. Family is easy because they're "safe".

[jonny15]

Family is easy because they're "safe".

 

That is true, They don't crap on everything you do, and or make fun of you for how you sound or look all the time like other idiots.

[blueidealist24]

We aren't telling him it's "all about jobs." What people are saying is that right now, he has almost nothing to bring to the table of a relationship. You are correct when you say that very good-looking people may be able to coast on their looks a bit more (though who knows for how long that really keeps them or their partners happy), but the fact is, most people are average-looking. You are also not looking at the fact that yes, some people are on welfare and get into a relationship, but what type of people do they date?

 

Yeah, people who are on welfare who date often do get into relationships with other low-income people, if that's what you're getting at, but really what's wrong with that? Dougie never said he cared what kind of financial background his gf/one night stand/date would have. He just wants some dating experience.

[Slimpee]

A lot of people are talking about what you can do to get yourself into a good place mentally.

 

But physically, stop looking like you're in high school. Get a good haircut. Pay more than $8. Work out hard and develop healthy eating habits.

 

Pick up GQ and get some fashion ideas. You won't find any pictures of scraggly hair and beards and ill-fitting tshirts featuring stupid pictures w/in the pages

 

It'll take time, though, homie. Maybe tell yourself that won't stress abt women for six months and during that six months get yourself in good shape and improve your wardrobe.