Why am I not attracting females?

[Dougie_D]

I've really gotten better about "cleaning" myself up. Trying to dress better, new haircut, etc..

 

But I really don't know what I'm doing wrong.

 

I'm more social than some friends I have, but getting girls is pretty easy for them. Am I TOO social?

 

Do I look like something is wrong with me?

 

I feel like I'm constantly being overshadowed by people because I'm not as good looking as people.

 

There have been NUMEROUS times where I am the one that starts a conversation with a group of girls. I guess it doesn't matter to a group of girls that I actually had the balls to approach them.

 

This is why I would rather be a loner. I really think my chances are higher, but then again, girls might think I'm a loser because I am not with anyone.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is: What is the easiest thing to work on to attract a lady?

 

I'm really having a hard time. I went to a big bowling bash this past weekend. It was really fun. I tried to have small talk with a few girls but they really seemed like they didn't care or had any interest whatsoever.

[pippy longstocking]

oh dougie ....

 

your doing everything right and huge respect because I know you are trying and have taken on board what everyone has

said to you on here ...can't ask for more than that ..

 

don't give up ...just carry on and enjoy who you are , have confidence in yourself ..your doing what you can to improve

yourself and that will one day pay off ..

 

don't give up ...instead be proud of yourself and who you have become.

[pinkelephant]

Why don't you just let that go for now, maybe it comes accross that you're trying to get a girll... any girl and it's kind of a turn off. so how about you just let that go and just have fun making friends and getting to know people?

[EQIQ]

Work on your confidence. Superficial changes do help, but they are not the main thing that will attract a woman. Also do remember that it is normal to rejected often, you will see people tell you all the time that it is a numbers game. Why don't you try instead of going for a group of girls that have not payed attention to you, instead target a girl that maybe has exchanged a few glances with you first? You know, you make eye contact, if it is maintained, then go for it. More chances of interest.

[bulletproof]

Work on getting a life that is not centered around bars, drinking, and cold approaches. You have been advised many, many times (almost every thread, I'd say) to get some other interests/hobbies that will put you in contact with women in a less pressured setting, and you've come up with many reasons why you can't do that.

 

Also, it probably has very little, if anything, to do with your looks.

[tattoobunnie]

Easy Rules: Always aim for girls that are in groups of three. So, while you talk to one you like, the other two can talk to eachother. Girls in larger groups may not necessary want any of the crew to feel isolated, and may blow you off.

 

And since we haven't seen your approach, how are you standing...drink in front, other arm to the side? Are you staring too long. Avoid complimenting right away...sometimes telling them something that makes them a touch insecure will make wanna to prove to you otherwise for the rest of the night.

 

What do you think of with shaving your beard? You up your chances not having one...unless you really don't look good without one...

[lostandhurt]

Okay there are a few things right off.

 

Confidence Do you have real confidence or are you faking it? This is important.

 

Are you talking to girls out of your league? I see alot of guys trying to get girls that are way out of their league and then complain because they get shot down all the time. I am not saying you can't meet a pretty girl but if you have crappy luck it breeds more crappy luck. Try walking up to a small group of girls and talking to the least attractive one. It take all the pressure off and lets you relax and be yourself. Trying to hard is the fastest way for a woman to loose any attraction she might have for you.

 

This brings me to attraction. Attraction is not a choice, it just is. A woman can be attracted to you as you walk up but as soon as you open your mouth you can kill what attraction she may have had and then you can't get it back. If this happens move on.

 

It sounds like you are a good guy. I hate to tell you this but good guys like us can have trouble getting women. Women are attracted to the way jerks act. I am not saying ladies that you want a jerk for a bf, I am saying that the way a jerk acts attracts you. This is not set in stone and not all women are like this but there is a high percentage. The key is to be cocky and funny and basically not care. Try and fight your natural instincts. I would recommend cutting all your instincts in half.

Pretty girls hear how hot they are all the time so don't gush over them. Bust on them in a friendly way a little, tease them without being cruel, don't pay attention to every word out of their mouth like you need it to survive. The less you seem to care the more the attraction stays with them. If they know they can have you at the drop of a hat they loose the attraction.

 

I have some pretty good reading material on this stuff. PM me if you want a copy. I don't want you to become someone you are not but if what you are doing isn't working it is time to fine tune it a little don't you think?

 

Lost

[pinkelephant]

and don't say female. it sounds really awkward/creepy.

[abitbroken]

Dougie - you come back with the same subject over and over again.

 

First - stop referring to women as "females." Yes, we are females, but every man I have known that talks about "females" usually thinks of women as some sort of elusive species. I never hear you say "There's this one woman named Cindy..." or "I met MarySue at the bar. She works there. I would really like to get her attention..." It is always just you generalizing about ALL women's reactions to you. I am sure there are some nice women, right in front of your face who like you. They might not want you to be their boyfriend because they don't know you enough, but you don't consider them in that elusive 'female' group because they are not 'perfect." You just have to open your eyes.

 

I think the last issues were that you were trying to pursue a music management career but mom and dad were giving you money and so forth. Women would want a man that is not on mom and dad's dole. After all, if you got married someday, would your new wife and mom and dad be supporting the baby? And you didn't really know what direction you were going in.

 

Get yourself sorted out first. Also, ask your friend who is getting all the dates for pointers because he certainly knows you better than we do.

 

As far as the women at the bowling thing, it works out better if you have a friend who knows them and introduces you to them versus just randomly walking up and saying "hey ladies." If they know your friend that introduces you, that sort of endorses you as a non-creep unless you prove otherwise. Also, it is not about walking up to a group, but talking to ONE woman in that group (and because she is with friends, she is having fun and her guard might be more likely to be down rather than if she is alone somewhere) rather than throwing spaghetti against the wall and hoping one of them says "pick me."

[BrianH46]

Hmmmm if that is your photo try losing some weight. You look better you gain a sense of confidence, the endorphins will better your mood as well. All in all exercise can only help and might be your silver bullet.

[Losingitagain]

Lostandhurt really is giving you good advice about working your way up the leagues, it certainly will help to take pressure off and build some confidence if you start off with women that are not overwhelmingly attractive. In fact later you´ll realize that some of those lesser league women were actually well rounded packages and much more fun than the icy vacant beauty queens of the "top". But anyway, start at the beginning.

 

You should also view the approaches as practice runs only, maybe set an objective like making her laugh, find out if she likes cats or dogs or get her number. Let me explain: I´m in sales and its such a disarming technique to approach clients and say "don´t worry I´m not here to sell you anything", you can really get talking in a relaxed atmosphere, no pressure, and so identify the key selling points for the second run. Same with women, as soon as a guy approaches, its shields up cause he´s coming for sex. So get them to lower their defences, form an initial bond and then turn up the heat (this is important, otherwise you´ll be friend zoned). I have a friend who back in school had this very problem, tried too hard with women and was asexual, he was friendzoned all the way through. You´ve got to let them know at some point that you want them, just time it right. Good luck.

[abitbroken]

In fact later you´ll realize that some of those lesser league women were actually well rounded packages and much more fun than the icy vacant beauty queens of the "top".

 

There is really no such thing as "lesser league" as far as beauty. There are just women that will be more suited to him or less suited to him and it will have little to do with beauty.

[EQIQ]

One simple question: Do you view yourself as a happy/successful man with a lot to offer? Be honest.

 

If you don't view yourself that way, neither will women. The way you view and portray yourself gets expressed in your interactions. And if you don't like yourself, there is no reason as to why they would do so. There may be exceptions, but... this is pretty true in my opinion.

[calichick007]

Have you made any progress with regard to your career/independence?

[Losingitagain]

abitbroken agreed!! I guess what I meant was for him to practice with the less intimidating, friendlier kind of women that will not auto discard when he first approaches. Its a horrible feeling to get shot down by a woman desirable in every sense only because you don´t fit her bill or just have no game, so a bit of practice before he goes for the ones he wants, will help a lot.

[Coconut Twin]

Depends how social you are...Some women, SOME, feel put off when a guy is overly friendly, it can be quite smothering, and I think this could work both ways - it also has an air of desperation to it.

 

And don't loose weight. I think you're alright. Not everybody wants wash board stomachs, and biceps big enough to squash a head.

 

Are you happy with yourself?

[Dougie_D]

I can be happy at times, but overall I've never have been happy. I don't feel successful because I haven't achieved what I've want in life, but success depends on different people. I have 2 college degrees. Some people may think that having 2 degrees is a success.

I've talked to numerous WOMEN. The ones that may not be considered overly attractive are mostly the ones I talk to anyways. And, to be honest most, NOT all, are actually way shallow and prefer looks over everything else.

The reality is: How many times do you hear women state wish I can find a guy that I'm attracted too or is cute!"

Men, rarely say that.

So, I don't put girls in leagues. I'm really trying.

The problem is... women don't approach me. But apparently when I approach them, they think I just want to bang them out.

Oh, I would love to have my friends introduce me to women...but they always say "I don't know any"

[bulletproof]

And, to be honest most, NOT all, are actually way shallow and prefer looks over everything else.

The reality is: How many times do you hear women state wish I can find a guy that I'm attracted too or is cute!"

Men, rarely say that.

 

Are you trying to say that men rarely care about looks but most women do? That is completely unfounded. Even legitimate studies say the opposite. You're just making excuses.

[abitbroken]

it may be cliche, but if you don't love yourself first, no one else will.

 

I am a woman and I have hardly heard my friends say "i want to meet someone cute!" except for when we were 18. Mostly, I hear women say "I wish I could meet someone who 'gets' me." or "I just want to meet someone really special - someone who is kind and has a good head on his shoulders and makes me laugh." I have seldom heard "i want to meet a hottie". On the other hand, men are more visual.

 

I wouldn't ask your friends to FIND you women, but for pointers.

 

And as far as shallow women, I will blank you no matter how hot you are if you are irritating me. THe problem is that you are just "going up to women." You are not forming relationships = such as volunteering somewhere and getting to know a few women and working with them not expecting a date, getting with a healthier crowd, joining a meetup group based on a common interest. In college or high school people "see us around" and then get comfortable with talking with us and they feel they have a handle on what we are like and attraction might bud over some time. But not so much in adult life unless they are coworkers or part of the same hobby, PTA, or rotary group. The more people who know you are a good guy they would feel comfortable pointing their own sister towards, the more likely you will meet eligible women.

 

I really think, like bulletproof says, you are making excuses. it reinforces your opinion when women blank you, so you approach those women in a way that guarantees failure or you put too much emphasis on whatever happens in the interaction.

 

I still think you should get your personal life in order financially and then you will feel more confident and will also be more of a catch. Having your parents fund you is not very attractive to women when you are older than 22.

[Dougie_D]

No, I'm just saying that because a girl might be considered "my league" , which people have proposed on this forum, that I would have better luck. It's not true at all. At least in my experiences, the girls that I know always complain why the guy that they think is hot or whatever doesn't go after them, and only the nice unattractive fellows do.

I've asked girls out before and they tell me they are in the middle of a break-up. Okay, that' fine, but that answer gets really fishy when the next week, this same girl is all about your co-worker or your roommate. I like girls to tell me, "oh, I'm not interested". Don't lie. Either way, I'm still getting rejected.

Is there ANY way for me to be attractive? I'm 31. Never been in a relationship!!!

I can't read a woman's mind. I'm working on it though!!! hahaha

[galaxy71]

Dougie, do you think that you can become a doctor or a lawyer by using a message board. Of course not. You become a lawyer or doctor by getting trained by people who have the experience and skills of the trade that you are looking for. The same thing is happening when you rely on a message board to learn how to act around women. I still think that you should hire a dating coach. You don't need advice on getting women. You need training. I think asking for advice can be confusing when you get a lot of contradictory advice. You should hire a dating coach and listen to what he tells you. Advice from other people should be white noise. If you don't like your dating coach, you should drop him. All I know is that obeying one person is much better than getting conflicting advice from random strangers who know nothing about your body language, tone of voice, and social skills. I think that learning how to attract women is too complex for random strangers on a message board to answer. We can't coach you on your social skills or body language over something impersonal as a message board. Message boards should be used for casual advice. It was never meant to be used to train someone on something complex as interacting with women. The time for action is now. You're 31. It's time that you go all in.

[camus154]

Dude, no one else is being honest with you.

 

You're just not that attractive. I'm sorry, but it's true.

 

But you already know that, don't you? I mean, come on, people. We can all sit here and say you need to do this and that with your profile, your approach, your whatever....the fact of the matter is, you're not that physically attractive.

 

Now the positive side is, people who aren't that physically attractive still manage to score some serious tail. How, you ask? Well, by having a lot of money, or prestige, or humor, or personality, or SOMETHING.

 

The key there is SOMETHING. Whatever that is, you need to have it.

 

Figure out what that something is, and you'll be fine. Otherwise, you'll be another unattractive dude. I'm sorry to be so blunt with you, but I'm sick of all the smoke blowing going on around here. This is reality. Time to stop asking the obvious and start asking how to fix it.

[lalalollipops]

Um what?

If I had a dollar for everytime I saw an attractive-very hot woman with an average to HIDEOUS guy I'd be crazy rich.

 

How many hot guys you see around with average girls? Men are much more visual creatures, and place much more emphasis on the physical aspect. Girls are generally more emotion based and you can see that in real life EVERYWHERE.

 

You're trying too hard, and you're definitely giving off this perhaps 'despera--' vibe. Quite faking it. Just be yourself. Yeah you're not that hot, but who cares? You can make that up with humour, with a kickass personality, intelligence and success. Just stop posting the same threads over and over again. I mean do you expect different replies or sth? People are telling you the same things everytime.

[Coconut Twin]

Dude, no one else is being honest with you.

 

.

 

No one else - who else?

 

I honestly think he isn't bad looking. I think what may be unttractive is the way he appraoches the situation when it comes getting a womans attention..

[agent1607307371]

If you're socially awkward then no, you probably will always be behind people who aren't in terms of attracting people. There are some women who think it's chaming but they are not the majority. And you will probably not meet them at a bar.

 

As for looks, I've seen people who I think are gorgeous with people I think look like genetic dead ends. You can never tell what someone else likes and wants.

 

I do think that you need to be working on your independence and self-confidence though. Feeling good about yourself can have a huge impact on the way you are seen by others.