Sapientia Posted July 7, 2012 Share Posted July 7, 2012 Sapientia, no offence but you have no idea what I'm going through so don't compare my problems with others'. Yes, there are ppl with major, mind wrecking issues but there are lots of ppl who enjoy life and are successful. I have been struggling with mental issues since forever yet I'm a kind and thoughtful man. Overly sensitive too. I don't care if you think that I'm just a moaning fellow who can't appreciate life. Maybe I am. The fact remains the same... I have been given up on by closest people, even though I have done everything I could to help them. Everybody should have a choice and I see no difference between dying at 70 or 30. Life is not supposed to be based only on suffering. Tell me, would you let yourself be nearly strangled every day? Okay, you are choosing to be miserable. Got it. There are some situations that are absolutely awful and amenable to change and those that are not. The way you tell the difference is this: If different people experiencing the same or a similar situation to you have responded differently, then you know your current position is one of choice. What you do with this information is, ironically, your choice. I wish you well on your path. Link to comment
One day Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Hi Mes, Been reading your thread and I'm truly sorry you are feeling this way. Here in London it's late cold and very wet I can hear my blocked guttering overflowing as I type, so much for summer eh? So you feel like you want to end it, give up and take the easy option? But it isn't the easy option Mes, why do I say that because like you I've been where you are and tried to take that final step. Suicide the mere mention of it has people nervously looking down at their feet, that almost taboo word, the deal breaker in any conversation. 10 years ago, well May 23rd 2002 I tried to take that easy option. It had been a very traumatic day as the day before my wife of 8 years and partner of 14 years had gone, left me vacated my life via a scrap of paper with "I don't love you anymore" scrawled on it. A night of no sleep and the first train up to London and I was at her workplace, finally got to see her at the back of the store where she shot me down destroyed my dreams and denied my chance of fatherhood with her, even though the week prior she had cried with joy in my arms as we finally decided to be parents. I left her a broken man, the pain I felt was indescribable I hit every Chemist on the way back to the station buying box after box of tablets, got home emptied them all out into a mixing bowl and started to swallow them until they had all gone and then went and laid on the bed, waiting for the end. So how come I'm here now tap tapping away to you, fate I guess at some point my mother in law came round unaware to what had happened regarding her daughter. I answered the door in my dressing gown and apparently had a conversation with her (which tbh I have no memory about). Anyhow she was worried about my state and zoned out reaction to it all and contacted my parents who even though in their mid 70's at the time walked round to my home and ended up having to force the front door open after no answer to find me semi conscious on a vomit strewn bed, vomit in the hall way, vomit in the bath, toilet, basin just everywhere my poor elderly father had to haul me off the bed and drag me up and down the hallway while my mother rang for an ambulance. She came with me in the ambulance and held those lovely cardboard made dishes under my chin as I carried on vomiting now blood into them. I escaped the stomach pump at hospital as everything I had taken, well had vacated my body by then. A night spent in hospital, a trip to the hospital mental unit the following morning to be assessed and I was released into my parents care. So Mes why am I telling you this little taboo story? to try and tell you that it's just not worth it, what might seem the done deal now, the right course of action isn't the case. Hey I could write a couple of paragraphs detailing my emotional state at that very time and I'm sure that you would sit there and nod your head in agreement with those very emotions and understand them all. Suicide isn't painless, selfish well I'm sorry yes. The aftermath is devastating, for your Family, friends and hospital staff who have to deal with the notion of what has/could of happened. You’re in pain, they are in pain, pain that they weren’t there for you, pain that the thought that you couldn't turn to them in your hour of need. I’m not saying after you read this that you’ll have a sudden eureka moment I just really hope that if anything it will plant the small seed we call hope in your mind. Your young bright and articulate and a good looking chap to Mes, you have a hell of a lot to offer so don’t waste it. My advice to you is to get the hell out of China, because from the sound of it it is slowly destroying you Mes your in an unhealthy environment, especially with your ex in the picture. Go home see your family, friends and get some help, see a therapist get on some anti depressant meds. Ok so you might be out of work for a short while but it’s a small price to pay to getting yourself back. Well mate it’s taken me a good while to type this out......about 4 cigarettes worth, thankfully the rain has subsided here in London town. Hope you take a moment to evaluate and see that what is seemingly hopeless at this very moment isn’t the case in the grand scale of life and if you want to PM me anytime it’s not a problem. OD Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 oh one ...I am sat with tears in my eyes now , bless you and lots of respect for getting up and starting again .. and thankyou so much for sharing your story ...your a lovely man one and I am sorry you had to go through this x morning mes ... hope your ok darling ...no car boot today ..blighty has lost the sun ..... Link to comment
dietcokenom Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Hey Mes. I was working out in South Korea for a while and the guy that I recently broke up with (my reason for joining ENA) had flown out to join me there. I was over the moon and never felt happier. Girls used to flirt with him a ridiculous amount and it really got to me. Once he got drunk and started talking to these girls... i found out and went mental. He cried and said it was nothing - but my lack of self esteem really made me doubt him. The trust dissappeared even though looking back, it was mainly MY ISSUES. I I'm not fat - not at all!! but being around REALLY small girls made me feel HUGE. Also girls with perfect mannerisms and all so 'cutesy' got to me as well. I do understand where she is coming from... being away somewhere does make you very dependent on the other person and sometimes that could be too much for the other person. Anyways when we returned home together - I moved in with him and at first it was BRILLIANT but it all fell apart in May and in June we broke up. It really hit me and I'm having a really hard time coping. I look at our pictures from abroad and it breaks my heart. You have soo many memories with this person and I hate that he doesn't realise. Don't do anything silly.... my advice is to go back to the states and start again. It's never too late. Yes it ****ing hurts like crazy but I do believe if they truly loved us, they would try to come back. If not, they weren't worth the love in the first place. Link to comment
Shadowbite Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Hey mes, hope your doing alright. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Don't do anything silly.... my advice is to go back to the states and start again. His homeland is not the United States, but I agree with this principle. I would head home. How much longer to you have with your contract in China? ....chi Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 hiya mes my lovely pole just looking in on you and wishing you well as always xx Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 His homeland is not the United States, but I agree with this principle. I would head home. How much longer to you have with your contract in China? ....chi Till Sep. 15th My ex is going to change her workplace as she has been offered a university teaching position. To be honest I wish I could get a similar job. More free time to travel, paid-holidays, more prestige. I wish I could head home... but what awaits me there may not necessarily lead to my mental-state's improvement. First off all, in the past, whenever I came back from a long stay in another country I suffered from a long-lasting mood downs. I don't know how to explain it but one of my problems is that I can't readjust myself to new-old environment. Probably when I go back I'll have this feeling of loss... something along these lines "I left China and I know I'm not going back" Something is over. I can't deal with the passage of time, I never could. Leaving places makes me feel uneasy and facing reality in Poland is going to hit me hard. Plus, financially-wise nobody will offer me even half of what I'm making here. Yet, coming back will get me closer to my family, that's true. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 Hi Mes, Been reading your thread and I'm truly sorry you are feeling this way. Well mate it’s taken me a good while to type this out......about 4 cigarettes worth, thankfully the rain has subsided here in London town. Hope you take a moment to evaluate and see that what is seemingly hopeless at this very moment isn’t the case in the grand scale of life and if you want to PM me anytime it’s not a problem. OD OD... Thank you. I just want to say that 14 years of being together must be... I just see exactly why you made that choice and I bet the wounds aren't healed yet. Your story sounds devastating. And yet I have to say that even though it makes me wonder and question my attitude, it also makes me feel even more scared. If ending one's life is such a hellish experience then... I feel like we're locked in a cage with no way out. I still believe that we should always have a choice, otherwise... what are we? Sounds like Matrix-kind of thing. No escape. Nothing. Just following all the rules. I've never thought about suicide as something easy and I do realize it's selfish to a great extent but... thinking about it gives me this guilty-relief kind of thing. I'd never try it unless I knew 100% it'd be successful. I'm so much disillusioned and disappointed with myself, life and the way the world functions. People who circle around me will never back me up selflessly... Unless there's some gain for them they won't lift a finger. There're no more people who are willing to commit themselves for the greater good. We can go even further. Women are becoming more and more materialistic (no offence) and China is a prime example of that. One girl here in China has said "I would rather cry in your brand new BMW than be happy on your bike" and a great number of people act like that here. This country is booming but it's going down on the other hand. I could see that in Europe too. Cities are swarming with young girls who are willing to sell themselves for 30-50euros depending on what you want. I have seen that and it all makes me sick. The saddest part is the kind explanation they offer... another quote "it's none of your business, I need to have money for clothes, make-up stuff and parties" said a 20 years old girl. Men are not better at all. They boast how easy it is to screw around and use those who can be used easily. And I could keep going on... Besides, nowadays if your wallet is not flooded with cash, if your clothes aren't brand-made, if you don't have a car and a well-paid job you're nobody. If that wasn't true an average Joe could find happiness just round the corner. I don't want to make it sound to harsh but this is all SO ****ED UP that it goes beyond my imagination. I'm just tired. The point is that my EX is different. She's more on the light-side of the force and the fact that in the past 28 years I met only one person like that makes me goddamn scared. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 Hey mes, hope your doing alright. Thanks Shadowbite. Well... I'm still kicking so to speak. Still don't know what way should be taken. How about you? Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 I guess I'll have to leave... well, here I am... at work... saw my ex today for a while... I nearly cried... she's changing her job, she's gonna be a university teacher at the department of linguistics... I envy her a bit... it looks like I have lost everything there was to be lost. It was my idea to come to China and now I'm the one who's leaving empty-handed... Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 13, 2012 Author Share Posted July 13, 2012 I meant "leave China" Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 I've come to a conclusion that being with a women in the 21st century is based entirely on values that are alien to me. Commitment is neglected, goodness not returned. Basically, you need to be a jerk to gain attraction. If one is willing to devote oneself and bestow unconditional love on a person then one's on a hiding to nothing. Friendship and love are merely based on pragmatic needs a person has. I suppose everybody has to paddle their own canoe without having any concerns for others. I'm not sure how to deal with this problem. I'm the one who's left holding the bag. I gave away the apartment, I helped my EX when she was in need and in return I was given a robbery and coldness. Now she's going to have a university job and I'm left stranded without anything. Why did I do all those things? How can I cope with regrets? Link to comment
Carus Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Mes* Firstly, not ALL women (or men) are like that.... Secondly, nice pic bro* 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 Mes* Firstly, not ALL women (or men) are like that.... Secondly, nice pic bro* 8-) Firstly, I hope you're right (I haven't met those good ones apparently...) Secondly, thanks. Thirdly... Let me quote myself. I'm the one who's left holding the bag. I gave away the apartment, I helped my EX when she was in need and in return I was given a robbery and coldness. Now she's going to have a university job and I'm left stranded without anything. Why did I do all those things? How can I cope with regrets? Link to comment
Carus Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 I'm left stranded without anything. That is your point of view and I have given up trying to make you see things differently... Why did I do all those things? Well we told you not to but you did it because it is just normal in the throes of a breakup...Hopefully you learned some things though* How can I cope with regrets? Sylvester Stallone just lost his son to suicide and it has devastated him..... You are still here.... So day by day, bit by bit, you are coping with it... Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 That is your point of view and I have given up trying to make you see things differently... I'm talking about a job here. Well we told you not to but you did it because it is just normal in the throes of a breakup...Hopefully you learned some things though* Then... how can I reverse this situation? Sylvester Stallone just lost his son to suicide and it has devastated him..... You are still here.... So day by day, bit by bit, you are coping with it... Ever Forward Carus* 8-) Yes, I'm still here but it's so hard for me. Link to comment
Carus Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Then... how can I reverse this situation? You cannot...What has passed has passed...Try to work more on acceptance... Yes, I'm still here but it's so hard for me. Hard for everyone mate... How many people do you think are living exactly the life they want...? Not me that's for sure, but I get by... 8-) Link to comment
mpeer Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Not all women are bad boys chasers. However, there is truth in that both women and men are attracted to confident, happy, and fun people. Please pick yourself up and regain your confident self again. Nice pic by the way. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 mes darling your pic is fabulous , you know we are not all like that darling Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 You cannot...What has passed has passed...Try to work more on acceptance... Hard for everyone mate... How many people do you think are living exactly the life they want...? Not me that's for sure, but I get by... 8-) And I'm glad to know that you get by. Yet, I do believe that nobody has the right to judge others if they decide to take another path (I'm not saying you're judging me, I'm just talking about people in general) Sometimes people get by without other people. I don't know how to cope with reality and it's something I've been struggling with for many years. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted July 14, 2012 Author Share Posted July 14, 2012 I think I'll start a topic in the career section. I need your advice... I'm really afraid of going back to Poland... I don't know if I can find myself there... Maybe there's no place for me anywhere... Link to comment
Carus Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 If you start a new thread, post the link so we can find it... I guess I would start by asking what are you afraid of...? Sometimes I really feel like you are moving forward mate.... It may seem like a long time but it took me 3 years to actually recover from my breakup...Which is why I know there are no time frames, so long as you keep movin'... At least your ex wasn't having multiple affairs behind your back...Can you imagine the pain of that on top of losing them...!? 8-) Link to comment
One day Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 Hi Mes, Hope you’re doing ok fella? You ask me if the wounds of marriage are healed, well the answer to that is yes well and truly, you could say I bear the scars but can only wear them not with pride, far from it but with respect. Mes life should never be looked at as a cage; we all have choices with the direction we walk in our lives. I bet you 2 years ago you never saw yourself thousands of miles away from home working in China and yes mate I know this time things haven’t worked out but my point is that nobody can predict the future what might seem hopeless now can be a blurred memory years down the line. Clichéd as it might seem what doesn’t break you can only make you stronger and yes like you I’m here due to a broken heart again.......I know it stinks doesn’t it! I like you thought I had found the one (again) for me it was all Disney (birds singing the sun smiling down on us) but far from it, so very far from it. I told her from the off about my past, not proud but also not ashamed of my Journey (a wonderful person working in the medical profession made me realise that it’s not a cross to bear, a burden of shame to hang round my neck) she was cool with it (bless her for that) but the point is in my long winded conclusion to what I’m getting up to is that when we split up, after a night crying into each other’s arms. Was when I left her as I couldn’t spend the day with her (just too much heartache) and took to walking the streets of London she said to me “your not going to do anything stupid?” !!!! no was my reply and yes even though I stepped out from her home tears streaming down my face and I ended up sobbing my heart out in my car for 30 mins absolutely broken and inconsolable, at the back of my mind was a little voice saying “don’t flatter yourself love”. I wasn’t offended by what she said far from it it showed to me her concern and feelings but the crunch line is that this time I knew, I knew that even though she meant the world to me, but not that much for such a sacrifice. You talk about people and the greater good, materialism and yes I can agree that there are people out there who are so materialistic but you can’t paint everybody with the same brush. I’m sure Chinas embrace of the western culture is affecting a whole generation, the commercialism, the advertising and the ensuing greed. China like India, South America are the new emerging super powers in productivity and wealth it’s a shame but the two go hand in hand and Mes your example of the girl who would rather cry in your brand new BMW than be happy on your bike, well apart from another materialistic person liking them. Is a person to steer well clear of. Yep money talks but not to everybody and while it might give the illusion of happiness it’s not always the case. Don’t get me wrong I’m not rich far from it, average Joe yes but a nobody never! Son, Brother, Uncle, Friend, work colleague yes I’m all of those to someone and so are you some of these. Your point that your ex was on the light side of the force I totally understand. I’m somewhat shy and reserved until I get to know people and my ex was exactly how you describe your ex, like a beacon shinning bright. Like a shooting star shimmering accross the night sky or a total eclipse of the sun these people to us can be a rare and beautiful thing but they do exist now and in our futures. Well I’m wrapped up on this post Mes. Only took three cigerettes this time to type and review Keep posting mate and if Poland isn’t your place to return to head to Canada. OD PS Liking the new picture fella, you wear that smile well, suits you. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 I think I'll start a topic in the career section. I need your advice... I'm really afraid of going back to Poland... I don't know if I can find myself there... Maybe there's no place for me anywhere... just not there mes ..just not in china ... I would love you to start a new thread ..in the healing section ...a new thread , a new start and we will all come to that one with you .. hiya carus and one as well x carus is that what happened to you ? was she having mulitple affairs ? is that what brought you here ? Link to comment
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