mesmerized Posted June 18, 2012 Author Share Posted June 18, 2012 mes my polish darling I have so much boot loot to tell you about ...you ok ? Hi Star, glad to see u back, how's everything going? As for your question... Things are just the same. Nothing has changed. No changes at all. Well, maybe one change for the worse in terms of my contact with my EX - it's dying. We barely talk at work and we don't talk at all outside work. Some new opportunities have come up but they don't make me feel better, they only complicate my choices as a matter of fact. I suppose I'm trying to be at peace with what is coming one way or another and I'm not trying to fight those thoughts off (you know what I mean) Tell me about your stuff. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 yes I was reading and I saw about the birthday and felt pretty bad for you mes . I know you view the change with anna as a bad thing , but if any contact is fading away it might help you in the long run ..this has been hard from the start for you , both from poland and living in china working together , you have had quite a challenge to say the least . tell me about your new opportunities . I took a bit of spiral down to be honest and I guess for a period , a week maybe ..I hit rock bottom , I cried like I did in the beginning , I felt all that despair and pain come back tenfold. I also found myself relying on people's experiences on here to dictate my future ..feeling hope when something good happened and feeling despair when it was bad ..so on the strength of that and I will be honest , its is a fast turn around on here of broken hearts ...sometimes it can get to you .. so I took some time out to get myself some clarity on my own set of circumstances rather then rely on others experiences . but I was never far away mes ... always got me eye on you Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 18, 2012 Author Share Posted June 18, 2012 yes I was reading and I saw about the birthday and felt pretty bad for you mes . I know you view the change with anna as a bad thing , but if any contact is fading away it might help you in the long run ..this has been hard from the start for you , both from poland and living in china working together , you have had quite a challenge to say the least . I'll write a few words regarding the second part of your post later on... as for the first part... Well, you see Star... I cannot live without her, that's all. Like I said, I haven't changed my mind about "you-know-what-thing-I-told-u-about-in-one-of-the-last-pms" ... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 yep I know you havent ....and as I always say to you my darling ..your allowed to have those plans and your allowed to have your own way of planning "peace" . I missed my little daily mes fix ..isn't it funny how someone can bring you comfort just from seeing them ask how you are ..your value to me is enormous . Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 tell me about your new opportunities . I took a bit of spiral down to be honest and I guess for a period , a week maybe ..I hit rock bottom , I cried like I did in the beginning , I felt all that despair and pain come back tenfold. I'm sorry to hear that... hope you're doing better now. You're damn mentally-strong... I wish I could be like that. Right now I have a fever. It started yesterday with 41 C degrees. It all makes me wonder... I don't want to be with her anymore. I just want somebody to explain it to me why I was ready to help her out in every situation... I ran to her apartment when she was sick... Now, I'm alone. It has never come to her mind to drop by and see how I was doing. I just want to know why. If anybody can explain that, I'd be grateful. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 hello my lovely darling I am so glad to see you mes x sorry your feeling poorly ..funnily enough I got up and went back to bed ..I can't stop sneezing and my throat feels a bit dodgy .. must be this fabulous bristish summer we are having !! *cough* mes it has rained for about 3 weeks here now.. anyway your question ... you went running to her because you wanted to help her , be with her , show your worth , you cared so much for her and was so in love ..so you did what one does when we are in love and those instincts kick in to protect and to help and comfort ... she on the other hand is the one choosing to walk away so it makes sense that she isnt going to be attentive to you , she has chosen to move on so the love dynamic has changed ..so her actions towards you when you are poorly are obviously not on the same page as your actions. I hope you feel better soon mes x Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 she on the other hand is the one choosing to walk away so it makes sense that she isnt going to be attentive to you , she has chosen to move on so the love dynamic has changed ..so her actions towards you when you are poorly are obviously not on the same page as your actions. I hope you feel better soon mes x I don't know how to deal with it Star... I just... it's too hard to bare... after so many months it hurts all the same... it looks like we're never gonna be together again... so many people get more chances but I don't... I can't live like that... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I think the ratio of those given a second chance mes is without a doubt lower than those who don't . but yeah ..you see some get back together , you see some abuse their partner , cheat on their partner etc etc and they STILL get a second chance....hard to swallow sometimes isn't it. there are a few of us on here who are openly admitting the healing process is taking a very long time .. do you read the other bits and pieces on here ? I would strongly reccomend setting some time aside with a hot cup of tea and a couple of pain killers to bring your temp down and reading the story of a beautiful soul on here called playtheblues ... she is 9 months post BU and her writing is so expressive , it puts into words how we feel mes ...and her journey to now ..and by her own admission her blackness has only just started to turn to grey . I just want you to see that it is not just you darling ...because you can't get over anna so quick doesn't mean your a friek show or incapable of a life or any other negative thing you can come up with. and you know from in private I am not doing any kind of speedy recovery ,its 6 months today for me mes...half a year ..god ..it seems surreal . one day we will all have that light bulb moment ...I know your plans and you know what I will say ..its safe to have them tucked away at the back of your head... we all need a plan .. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 well, somehow I feel that I'm taking it all a bit to hard... and how long is "long" ? how long is the healing process going to be? I don't want to mourn over her for the next 3 years Star... she's probably having fun right now, maybe she's dating somebody, god knows... I want her to be happy, but why is she being so selfish? I mean... it's not a big deal to send somebody a text message saying "how are you?" sometimes I wish I hadn't done anything for her... how can I deal with this feeling? Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 oh I know what your mean ..I think the same ..I think "come on les" get on with life ffs , shake it , work it away , be strong etc etc etc but hell ..it would appear to ebb away when its ready ....mes for some it;s a couple of years and without this forum I wouldn't have known that. I dont want to send you on a self defeating train of thought but the odds of this been quick for you was againt you .. polish ..living in china , went with anna ..only other pole you know , only one to speak your lanaguage and to know the roots of who you are ..no meds..no therapist and workign in the same school as her ...on top of that you got robbed .. I mean come on fella ...the ride has been rocky to say the least ....dont persecute yourself over this time thing and not having a speedy recovery ....you have had a bad time and all around you has not been one bit ideal. so that is all the past now ...all that has already happened ..same for me .. so what we have to do to speed up the process is to try as hard as we can to adopt a healthier thought pattern ..you need to know where your going ?have you decided yet ? and is anna still moving countires? I think this will help you ...you have been stuck for months now .. sometimes I wish I hadn't done anything for her... how can I deal with this feeling? you remind yourself that you are a kind and loving man , and you did thise things because you wanted to , you cannot regret kindness , you stand tall and acknowledge the man you are mes ..and the kindness you show. you deal with it by been proud of you . Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 polish ..living in china , went with anna ..only other pole you know , only one to speak your lanaguage and to know the roots of who you are ..no meds..no therapist and workign in the same school as her ...on top of that you got robbed .. just two minutes ago the cealing in my rathole went down on my bed... splendid, just ****in splendid... you remind yourself that you are a kind and loving man , and you did thise things because you wanted to , you cannot regret kindness , you stand tall and acknowledge the man you are mes ..and the kindness you show. and that kindness has been answered with selfishness Star... I'm looking at the hole in the cealing and I'm asking myself "why the hell were you so ****in stupid and gave away such a good apartment to somebody SO SELFISH you need to know where your going ?have you decided yet ? and is anna still moving countires? I have no idea what to do. I can't go anywhere in my condition. I wish she could go to hell! She's staying here, goddamnit... You know, I think I'm gonna go to her and tell her to get the f... out of my life. It was I who got her everything here... I'm done wishing her well. I wish she could suffer the same pain as me. I'm done wishing her all the best. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 oh mes ..sorry but you do make me chuckle ... talk about sods law mate ... we should listen to carus more , he predicted all this with the apartment didn't he way back ..but I will act the diplomat because remember the state of you before you just decided to leave her with it ... I don't know if you had the strength at the time to stand your ground ... I was going to say try not to rake over what you should and shouldn't have done , it's gone ..past ... but maybe this anger will do you good .. you need to get pissed off with her ..you know the whole circle of gief thing ..well moving to another section of it is a good thing ...so I wont try and get you to repress this anger .. oh so she decided to stay ..I was kinda hoping she would be long gone by now . Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 Why did I make you chuckle? I want to take back what's mine. It was a mistake to let her keep that apartment. I want it back, Im done with this ratholea Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 just the way you say things ... its a good thing .. you make me smile through the thick of it all .. well ...if it's yours ..then go get it .. Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 23, 2012 Author Share Posted June 23, 2012 if all women are like my EX... then I don't want to have anything to do with any women anymore... heh, my students ask me more often how I feel than she does there are two ways this situation can work out: 1) we either become friends/acquaintances (and I'll be hopeful that maybe one day things can change...) 2) we totally cut any contact I'm aware of the fact that I've pushed her away by being too much into her after the break-up... Honestly, she even told me that if I hadn't said some post-break-up things there would have been a chance for us... PS.Star, which thread by playstheblues did you want me to have a look at? Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 if all women are like my EX... then I don't want to have anything to do with any women anymore... heh, my students ask me more often how I feel than she does you know that all women are not like her ...and never allow those thoughts to enter your head and ruin any chance with anyone else .... there are two ways this situation can work out: 1) we either become friends/acquaintances (and I'll be hopeful that maybe one day things can change...) 2) we totally cut any contact mmm ..never thought I would say this to you mes but I DON'T hope for number 1 for you ....you cannot live in hope that way ...it makes you stand still and almost die with pain mes ...that isnt the way forward for you imo ....if there is a chance and she ever does change her mind then it will come out of the blue and she will come to you rather than friends with you stuck in that place. I thought when she was going to leave china number 2 would be the way forward .... why did she change her mind btw ? I'm aware of the fact that I've pushed her away by being too much into her after the break-up... Honestly, she even told me that if I hadn't said some post-break-up things there would have been a chance for us.. that is damned cruel mes ...omg fancy saying that to you so you can go off and persecute yourself a bit more and take full responsibility for everything ....dear god she knows how you feel and how hard this is and she is out of order putting that on you. PS.Star, which thread by playstheblues did you want me to have a look at? any of them mes ..or a flick through them all ..she writes like a poet whose heart has been ripped out ...very emotional . I havent even said good morning to you darling morning mes and dys, carus, chi , dukey ... I do wonder how dys got on .... good that he doesn't need the forum any more , so I do hope he is doing ok . Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 23, 2012 Author Share Posted June 23, 2012 oh my god... I love her... I love her Star... I'm sorry but I can't.... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 oh darling I know you do come on ..we have got through this before talk to me Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 you gone again mes ... I will keep popping on to see if your ok darling xx Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 23, 2012 Author Share Posted June 23, 2012 you gone again mes ... I will keep popping on to see if your ok darling xx I'm sorry, I had to cry it out. I don't know what happened but it was like epiphany... I was browsing through some cameras I want to buy and all of a sudden an image came up in my mind of a picture of her I took some time ago... and I realized that life is pointless without her... it's just pointless. I don't know why this sudden sensation was brought up but I felt this weird warmth and, and... those goose bumps and this weirdest sensation in my mind... all of this together just made me silently say to myself how much I love her. I need to get some sleep... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 ok darling ....you get some sleep and look in on me tomorrow hey ... xx I wish you a peaceful sleep Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 23, 2012 Share Posted June 23, 2012 hiya mes just leaving you a message for when china wakes up so you know your not alone xx Link to comment
mesmerized Posted June 24, 2012 Author Share Posted June 24, 2012 hiya mes just leaving you a message for when china wakes up so you know your not alone xx thanks Star... how are you today? Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 24, 2012 Share Posted June 24, 2012 I am good my lovely pole I had a bird situation a minute ago ....one of pops and nana's babies ( wood pigeons) had somehow got in my garden ..I realised when i saw rosalette (kitten) sat licking her lips ... I frieked out because big george ( cat) had now seen the baby and was equally licking his lips ..but the baby was flapping so much I couldnt get hold of her ... it was drama mes anyway ..baby is now safe and rosalette and george will have to make do with cat food ... and I have painted my bathroom..I fekcing hated every second of it and my cutting in looks like a 7 month old did it ... It needs one more coat and then it will be done ...next time mes I swear I wil pay someone to do it ...I hated every second of it .. how about you ...? Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted June 25, 2012 Share Posted June 25, 2012 hiya mes darling ..xx just looking in on you ..don't worry of you don;t feel like been here right now ..no reply is needed Link to comment
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