True or False Men should be providers/breadwinners?

[FreedomRing]

How is it special treatment though? If you are staying at home with the kids, and you aren't able to work, why is it wrong to want to have spending money every now and then to get things for yourself, once you become a mom you don't all the sudden lose your desire and wants. I do 80% of the caretaking on my own, in addition to trying to take care of the home, cook, and make sure bills are paid on time. Why is it wrong to want to be able to get my nails done every once in a while, or buy an outfit to treat myself, esp. if he has little extra money left over?[/QUOTE]

 

Yuck. Something about that last statement made my stomach churn. Why isn't the 'little extra money' that HE has left over, something he can use on HIMSELF? After all...HE did earn it.

 

Why would ANY woman be ok with getting a 'stipend' from their partner for extracurricular activities? How do you not consider that relationship that of a parent/child? smh...

[Unknown1607307972]

Well I respectfully disagree with the OP. I wouldn't like to be "provided for" because it would make me feel like I had less of a voice when it comes to important decisions and make me feel unequal. If a man wants to be a provider and his wife/girlfriend wants to stay at home with the children then they should do that if it works for them, but I don't think that anyone *should* have do fit a certain role just because of their gender. I don't plan on having my own children but if I did I would still want to work, I also feel it would be unfair to expect my boyfriend to support us simply because he is male. I am just as capable of working as he is so therefore I should be equally responsible for the income.

[Saffron_]

Money is an imporant issue in a relationship, but for me the main thing I have issue with is when someone else doesn't pull their weight. For me that's what it comes down to. I can see raising kids from babies to pre school age as a full time job where taking a break from paid employment would be a good thing. I can't see it as a full time job beyond that unless as I say there are loads of other kids or there's something else going on in the family i.e. an elderly relative or something else that requires a full time role. I believe in an equal contribution from both partners. And to me, bringing in money is important. Very important! You need it to live and if you're not earning it, you're relying on someone else to earn it and give you some of theirs. It's like being given an allowance.

[lostnscared]

I do 80% of the caretaking on my own. My mom comes over once a week to help. And I only recently got a nanny that comes over twice a week(for three hours at a time) to watch the babies while I clean, run errands or cook. I'm also breastfeeding. My bf works long hours, so the majority of the time(except for the weekends). I'm doing it on my own. And this thread is not necessarily about me, I was just curious about how others feel about this sort of arrangement. I do hold these beliefs to an extent which I admitted with no issue, but this thread really isn't about me.

[Saffron_]

Why is it wrong to want to be able to get my nails done every once in a while, or buy an outfit to treat myself, esp. if he has little extra money left over?[/QUOTE]

 

Yuck. Something about that last statement made my stomach churn. Why isn't the 'little extra money' that HE has left over, something he can use on HIMSELF? After all...HE did earn it.

 

Why would ANY woman be ok with getting a 'stipend' from their partner for extracurricular activities? How do you not consider that relationship that of a parent/child? smh...

 

Yeah, that seems a little weird to me too. I suppose being a full time carer for 2 infants means she has to rely on her OH for money for clothes and stuff. I guess it depends on your definition of getting your nails done or buying a new outfit 'once in a while'. I couldn't ever do it myself though.

 

Parent/child relationship versus husband/wife. That's what I have issue with too.

[lostnscared]

He spends plenty of his extra money on himself. If I were working, I would be spending my extra money to do the very things I talked about( nails done, going shopping) because that is what I used to do when I worked. He agreed and even ASKED me to stay at home because of the costs of daycare, and because he didn't want them in daycare, because I am losing an income, and doing a majority of the caretaking on my own, I no longer have the money to do the things I used to do. Which is not an issue, because I love staying at home, however yes every once in a while I do want to treat myself, since I don't have the funds to do that--yes I do depend on him to do that. But again I wish this wouldn't have become about me, because it really isn't. I was just curious about what others believe about this arrangement.

[lostnscared]

I agree. I personally would not stay at home after my kids reached school age. It just isn't much of a point, unless we were ridiculously wealthy and even then I feel like I would be bored.

[lostnscared]

To answer DH's question. No I wouldn't be okay with having my bf be a stay at home dad. For one, I am breastfeeding, something he cannot do. For two, I've always wanted to be SAHM, and he knew this when he met me. For three, he has already said he could not see himself staying at home because he likes working. If my bf ever lost his job that's a different matter--we would have no choice, but given the choice no I wouldn't want to be the breadwinner.

[lostnscared]

Be back on later.

[OptomisticGirl]

How is it special treatment though? If you are staying at home with the kids, and you aren't able to work, why is it wrong to want to have spending money every now and then to get things for yourself, once you become a mom you don't all the sudden lose your desire and wants. I do 80% of the caretaking on my own, in addition to trying to take care of the home, cook, and make sure bills are paid on time. Why is it wrong to want to be able to get my nails done every once in a while, or buy an outfit to treat myself, esp. if he has little extra money left over?

 

 

What you describe there is a basic marriage in which one parent works and the other stays home. You have BABIES right now, you can't work. So no it's not too much to ask. When te kiddies are in school yes, THEn it is special treatment which is te area I'm talking about it. The kids are in school - nothing stopping you from having a part time job to buy stuff you want.

[Seraphim]

The thing is, it is not for anyone else to judge. If other people are cool with their marriage, fine and dandy you like it your way. Some people prefer to be more traditional. This couple who is a good friend of ours he does not want his wife to work. He wants a wife who is at home. He wants to come home to a clean house, he does not want frozen pizza for dinner because no one has enough energy to make anything. He does not want to make meals, he does not want to clean anything. He says that is what he has a wife for. His wife also does not want to work. She LOVES being at home even though they have no kids and never planned on having any. Who is anyone to tell them their vision of their marriage is wrong? They are happy enough in it.

[OptomisticGirl]

Everyone has to do what's best for them - for me I couldn't not put that heavy burden on my husband. Ever. As I said, it's the whole reason we are waiting a year after I find a job to conceive. I'm the one who wants to stay out for six months therefore I'm taking the responsibility to make sure we have enough cushion while I'm out so L isn't going balder with worry and he can instead spend that time with our newborn. Same reason I'm going part time after six months.

[Saffron_]

I don't believe in taking anything out of the pot unless you've paid in or are in some way incapable of paying in. I firmly believe in earning a wage, contributing to the bills, contributing to the tax system (including things like the NHS which I would feel guilty about using had I not been paying in) and being able to go out and buy things for myself with my own money which I worked to earn. If you're accustomed to a certain lifestyle or you expect it, then YOU need to be the one to provide it. If you're not prepared to do that or expect someone else to do it for you, I think you lack a sense of pride. The only (or one of the few) exception I make is when women are looking after very young kids...as I've already said

 

When I say 'you' I mean people in general, not you specifically Lost.

 

Looking after a household and doing household chores just isn't a job in my eyes because people with full time jobs do that too. My partner works more than I do (around 50 hours a week) right now to pay off his debts. I don't have any debt so I work 40 hours and I do all the household chores. Vic, if your friends are happy with that arrangement then good for them and I probably shouldn't be judgemental...but I find it hard to respect. Maybe it's just my upbringing.

[Unknown1607307972]

If they are both 100% happy with this arrangement then it is fair enough. What isn't ok is for a woman to expect a man to provide for her simply because he is a man or imply that something is wrong with him if he isn't ok with that arrangement. A couple should decide together how their living arrangements will work out, what works for one couple may not work for another. I wouldn't like to make my boyfriend provide for me because I don't feel it'd be fair on him nor would I feel comfortable with it, I'd feel too dependent. Others feel differently, but nobody *should* be anything role wise here.

[Seraphim]

OK but now people are making more judgments. That people who choose to be home have no pride. That is wrong. Many people at home DO have pride.

 

OG if you are happy with your marriage the way you have planned it that is great.You can not tell someone else how to have their marriage though or they have equal right how to tell you to have yours.

[Seraphim]

If they are both 100% happy with this arrangement then it is fair enough. What isn't ok is for a woman to expect a man to provide for her simply because he is a man or imply that something is wrong with him if he isn't ok with that arrangement. A couple should decide together how their living arrangements will work out, what works for one couple may not work for another. I wouldn't like to make my boyfriend provide for me because I don't feel it'd be fair on him nor would I feel comfortable with it, I'd feel too dependent. Others feel differently, but nobody *should* be anything role wise here.

 

They are perfectly happy. In fact it was him who said and I have heard him say it myself MANY times he wants a traditional wife who stays at home and makes his meals and cleans his house and washes his clothes. And he wants none of that pre boxed crap. He wants home made meals, and traditional meals from her homeland. He plans on doing NONE of that for himself and that is why he married her.

[Saffron_]

Yes I probably am being a little judgemental. I just don't think it's good for a person. Just my opinion.

 

Partly because I cook all my meals from scratch, clean the house, wash and iron the clothes AND find the time to do a full weeks work on top of that! Vic, maybe your friend's just very traditional but his wife sounds more like a skivvy than a partner to me.

[OptomisticGirl]

OK but now people are making more judgments. That people who choose to be home have no pride. That is wrong. Many people at home DO have pride.

 

OG if you are happy with your marriage the way you have planned it that is great.You can not tell someone else how to have their marriage though or they have equal right how to tell you to have yours.

 

I never said told anyone how to have their marriage. Everyone can run their marriage how they want - one thing I have learned from being in a relationship that isn't the norm and hard to understand is everyone has an opinion. I don't have to agree with their opinion but they are allowed to have it. I don't care how people run their marriage but I CAN have an opinion on it based upon my upbringing and beliefs.

[Seraphim]

Yes, but they will also have one about yours too. That is the thing.

[OptomisticGirl]

And their allowed to have it.

[Saffron_]

Not to go off topic here but the term 'traditional roles' can sometimes be a guise for something else...

 

"I'm taking the responsibility to make sure we have enough cushion while I'm out so L isn't going balder with worry"

 

Hahaha! That was funny!

[tinkerbellkj]

To whomever believes that being a stay at home parent to young children is not difficult or 'work' I respectfully disagree with. I am the mommy to a very high maintenance 8 month old boy, and I am also 22 weeks pregnant with my second child, so come April I will have a newborn and a 12 month old. And it is the hardest job I have ever done. That being said I have worked in juvenile detention centers and as a case manager for foster children so I haven't exactly had cake walk job either, but being the full time caregiver is definitely harder.

 

With all that being said, I AM employed and work full time (not as a SAHM) partly from home, partly (about 12 hours a week) outside of the home. People think I have it so easy because I am home most of the time. Thank God my husband is not one of those people and he is grateful for the work I do inside and outside of the home. Just as I am grateful for him making the bulk of the income for the family. Of course my child comes first, so there are nights I am typing at 11:30pm (or on weekends) to get caught up on work.

 

My husband makes decent money but at this time the lifestyle that we lead requires two incomes. I don't ask my husband for spending money (though I'd consult a large purchase) and I'm glad I don't have to. If I didn't have an income, honestly, I STILL probably wouldn't ask but I would realize that things were much tighter and I could not buy the things I wanted or do things that required money we did not have. If the money is not there, then it's just not there, no matter how you spin it.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with staying home if that is how your FAMILY (ie. husband and wife) decide to do it. But, to expect that there will be extra income when there just ISN'T is a little ridiculous. If you want to stay home then you must live within the finances of a single income.

[Seraphim]

Exactly. If you want to have one income then one must live that way. I totally agree. I also agree with you that the people who think raising kids is so easy have also not done it so they have nothing to judge from and it is pretty disrespectful to tell someone it is easy and a cake walk. I think it is difficult to raise a great member of the world and to take pride in doing so. If you do not invest in your kids, then why have them. To me there is nothing more difficult and nothing that gives you more pride than raising another human being. It is a pretty sad world we live in when people value money over human beings. But looking at the state of the world and the attitudes I am not surprised.

 

I love your post Tink.

[Saffron_]

It is a pretty sad world we live in when people value money over human beings.

 

Just because someone values paid employment and financial contribution doesn't mean they value it over human beings.

[DN]

People have been asked to make judgments about this situation by the very nature of the original post so let's not get sidetracked here as to whether they should or should not. I suggest people stay on topic and don't take things personally. If anyone doesn't like the topic they are free to not take part.