I'm a professional, he's not.

[maynards_razorblade69]

Hi all,

 

Looking for a bit of advice here. I've recently got a new, professional, job that pays me well. This money has allowed me finally to move out with my boyfriend, and we have a house secured for later this month. We're both really excited to be finally moving in together. The problem is that my job isn't the kind of 9-5 job that my boyfriend has. I can't leave work at the door, I often have to respond to emails and call clients late into the evening, or even liaise with my colleagues/boss at late hours (or early ones). As this is a new job as well I am trying to show my willingness to work out of normal working hours as I have a 6 month contract with them that will be extended if I prove myself to be valuable to the company. I have always hoped to have a job that I enjoy and one that does not conform to the standard hours of work, and have gained a masters degree to ensure this doesn't happen.

 

My boyfriend is not happy with this, although he has known this was my intention from the beginning of our relationship. A few times now I have had to work up to 11pm and he gets very angry about it. I can completely understand his frustration and try to keep the work to a minimum but sometimes I just have to respond to people. He said to me today that 'At 5 o'clock, you're mine, you're not your boss's. Leave work at the door' and then gave me a countdown as to when I had to log off my emails or he would walk out.

 

Firstly, I am angry that he is so possessive of me, and feels he can order me in this way. I did not log off my emails, I calmly explained to him that this had to be done and once it was finished I would be all his. He still counted down, and did indeed walk out. Secondly, he has musical commitments three evenings a week after work and has done since I first knew him. I don't believe I have ever prevented him from doing this or even commented on it. He is even practising with his band now, and I do not complain. It gives me time to enjoy my own hobbies and get on with my work, so I accept that he is not always around. I dislike the double standard I feel he's showing. Thirdly, I am afraid that he will make life very difficult for me once I move in with him. I need to find a way to explain to him how important my work is to me and that it is not possible for me to be completely his. I need him to understand this.

 

Finally, I am actually finding the job enjoyable, but stressful. The hours are long, I'm expected to travel a lot and network at 7am two hours travel away. I really need his support at the moment and it would be better for both of us if instead of getting angry with me he gave me a cuddle and told me to let him know when I was done. This job will settle down eventually; I will not always be so busy, but for now I will be. He is happy with his 9-5 as it suits his lifestyle perfectly and I have no problem with this. I have always wanted a career and believe that in order to be successful you have to put the time and effort in to achieve something beyond the average.

 

Please could you advise me of what to say to him. He can be very argumentative and I do not want this to become a huge issue between us. If it continues the way it is, however, I think it will become one.

 

Thanks in advance, and sorry for the long post!

[Kalika]

I think you should just point out what you said here - that it is a temporary time commitment for BOTH of your futures, and that you have not inhibited him from doing things that he wants to do on his own time.

 

I have to ask, is the house in your name or his, or both??

 

I agree that this could become more of an issue once you move in to the house together. He either needs to be able to deal with it or not if it's what you really want. But you also need to realize that part of managing a career means knowing when to say "no" and how to say that in a way that won't cost you professionally. I assure you, if you are at your employer's beck and call 24/7, it does not necessarily mean that any of the higher ups there will respect you more. In fact, it may be to your detriment to not set boundaries between your work and your personal life.

 

The other thing you really should consider is that your boyfriend may decide he can't deal with it and may walk out. Are you willing to potentially lose your relationship over it? Those are things you will need to strongly think about as you pursue your career goals - you will need to consider your OTHER life goals, too.

[sadchick83]

Hmmm...been there, done that.

 

Its really weird but men always want to rule the roost when it comes to employment. Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus....you will find out why. I made about triple what my live in bf made the last year we were together. I even supplied him with half his clients. At the end of the day not many men can accept when a woman's job is more important. Oh, they will say "no problem" at the beginning, but eventually become resentful. Its always about him in other words.

 

I really think you should focus on your career. If you want to stick with this guy make him fell like he is king of the castle. One of my girlfriends makes about $1.5 million a year. Her husband makes I would say about $50,000 a year. She often tells me how she has to stroke his ego, make him feel like a king, "what's mine is ours," Etc.,

 

I have a new rule, personally. I will never dad a guy who makes less than me. It's not that I care, I am very generous, its that they care. Its like a small penis. I could be fully satisfied with a small one, but its the guy who has the chip on his shoulder.

 

Give him a chance, but get ready to leave if the support isn't there.

[LDRohnos]

Screw that, I'll spend her money with pleasure. Work hard honey!!

[sadchick83]

LDR, haha, no, you think you would, but I don't think so. Men are still programmed to be providers. If he also doesn't like what he does, unlike maenads, its a recipe for disaster.

[catfeeder]

This sounds like it will only get worse if you move in together. Making a mark on a career while trying to appease a possessive BF is a straight recipe to disaster.

[LDRohnos]

LDR, haha, no, you think you would, but I don't think so. Men are still programmed to be providers. If he also doesn't like what he does, unlike maenads, its a recipe for disaster.

 

Do not question my ability to spend other peoples' money. It's a talent I wish I could teach you but alas it's something that you are born with.

 

Really, I wouldn't care less if a woman made more than I did. If anything I would welcome it in today's economy. I WOULD care if she had to work 80 hours a week to accomplish this. I have very little interest in a part time relationship, so this would be the only deal breaker.

[Batya33]

I found it essential that the men I was seriously involved with respected my career and understood the long hours and unpredictable hours even if it meant less time with them - and I was the same about their careers. There were a few guys who walked away early on and one who I dated a bit longer who once asked me when I "took dinner" so he could meet me for dinner when I had to work late and I explained that my time when I worked late was not my own (at the time it wasn't), that dinner would either be eaten at my desk while I worked or I'd have a working dinner. I didn't blame him for not relating, for not getting it (he worked as a schoolteacher and had very regular hours) but I knew we didn't have a good chance of working out as a couple.

I do believe in balance -when you can take time off you should and you should try to do a quick dinner if possible if you keep working late -but not because he is making those types of extreme demands. Do you think he's jealous, in part, of your success?

[Capricorn3]

This sounds like it will only get worse if you move in together. Making a mark on a career while trying to appease a possessive BF is a straight recipe to disaster.

I agree. This sounds like a recipe for disaster and he doesn't seem very understanding, nor willing to accept that this is what your career is about. If he can't hack it, then I doubt this relationship will work. Also, I think it's a really bad idea (due to the circumstances right now) to move in together. Be very careful. Have you already bought a house? Is it in your name, or his name?

[rocio]

Its really weird but men always want to rule the roost when it comes to employment. Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus....you will find out why.

 

That's a pretty sexist statement. There are many women out there who would start expressing discontent if their boyfriends/husbands started working until 11pm (myself included). This is more of a compatibility issue than anything.

 

I know my husband doesn't fit your generalisation anyway.

[Ms Darcy]

Honey, big red flags. I am not going to say it's a doomed relationship, but he has to have a drastic change in mindset for this to work.

[chitown9]

Honey, big red flags. I am not going to say it's a doomed relationship, but he has to have a drastic change in mindset for this to work.

 

I agree. He does not seem flexible at all.

[Kalika]

I don't honestly think he's being THAT unflexible or controlling. I guarantee that at least 90% of the people on ENA would be driven mad by this sort of arrangement, especially if they lived with their partner - because then their partner would always be right there physically, but never really there.

 

I personally don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who persistently worked late hours and seemed to put their career ahead of our relationship, but that's just me. But if it's that important to the OP to advance her career/work late and demanding hours, then maybe a relationship at this juncture is just not in the cards.

[kaibutsu]

Probably not fixable to be honest. If he is ready to end things because you are working to fulfill your dream job and the work requires the extra time...then it sounds like a done deal if your career is important to you. The you're-mine-after-5:00 thing is sort of creepy to me for some reason. And yes some guys can't handle it when their SO makes more than them. I've had that before, and I was perfectly content with it, but I'm not exactly the alpha-male role type either.

[DylanNotorious]

No way, you keep that job because you deserve it. Unless he's content on paying all the bills and supporting you fully - then just keep doing what your doing. You know, your job is the most valuable asset that you can hold on too as that is where the money is going to keep coming from. So I say tell your boyfriend that until he understands that you have to committ to your job and do the crazy hours and stuff, you will keep doing it. And as you said, the job will calm down eventually.

[Mesemene]

I can understand SOME frustration when you (from his perspective) are off work, and there's your GF still plugging away. However - a little frustration, tempered with understanding that it's not a choice, is a far cry from this:

 

At 5 o'clock, you're mine, you're not your boss's. Leave work at the door' and then gave me a countdown as to when I had to log off my emails or he would walk out.

 

The heck??? This is like what I'd do to my kids to log off a video game or chat session!!! And you're not a child, nor is this a trivial social pursuit - this is your JOB.

 

I'm sorry Kalika - this IS controlling. Nobody talks to me that way - not even about a hobby, much less a job, and the OP has tried to limit the late hours to the minimum needed. He just doesn't see why she has to work ANY time past a set time - and not all careers are like that

 

A few times now I have had to work up to 11pm and he gets very angry about it. I can completely understand his frustration and try to keep the work to a minimum but sometimes I just have to respond to people.

 

Secondly, he has musical commitments three evenings a week after work and has done since I first knew him. I don't believe I have ever prevented him from doing this or even commented on it. He is even practising with his band now, and I do not complain.

 

He's basically saying if he has commitments that take up time beyond work, that's all well and good - but if her work even takes up time that should be "HIS" then that's not OK.

 

OP - I'm figuring before you and this guy ever got this involved, you probably had discussions about your goals in life, your degree, your hopes for your career. I'd remind him of those discussions and tell him it's a bit unfair to decide, now that it's actually coming into play, that what he was fine with before in theory, he's trying to nullify in practice, and that you've made allowances for HIS time - now it's his turn to make some for yours.

 

If he can't handle it - the door he walked out when you wouldn't just drop your work, well, it's still there for him to walk out of.

[kaibutsu]

Yes what Mesemene just said.

[lady00]

His understanding of the working world is based on a 9-5 mindset which is becoming less and less of a reality. I think some people view working this much as a choice and it may be a choice to an extent but not really like you can just choose to ignore the demanding clients and boss but rather like you have the choice to quit and find another job, which is really a false choice. Especially in this economy it would make zero sense to leave a well paying demanding job to please a partner. I think he should find someone with a 9-5 and you should find someone who understands your schedule and is fine with it. I know tons of married couples where one or both spouses has a job like this and some of them have kids which just cuts down more on their time together. People deal with this everyday and it can be done.