My boyfriend touches me while I am sleeping.. is this normal?

[justinfan12]

I am new to the forum, I have a question. I dont want to talk to my friends about it..

 

I started dating this guy about 3 months ago. We hit it off. But I had a few issues so I get disappearing. I am back now and he wants to get serious with me. I have spent a couple of nights at his place. He knows I do not want to have sex right away and respects that.

The thing is.. I dont know if this is normal.. sometimes I will be sleeping and he will be too.. I will wake up in the middle of the night sometimes with him touching me. A lot. I don't mind it. I like when we cuddle and touch but while we are sleeping?

 

There are some nights when I will make sure he is sleeping. But when I wake up sometimes his hands are down my pants and he groping my chest and kissing me on my neck and all over. I mean I dont mind it, I love his kisses and stuff but.. during sleeping is it normal? I will hear his breathing getting harder and harder and him moaning a bit. I dont get why. I have never had sex before so I dont really know what is going on. Why does he do this while we are supposed to be sleeping? He gets very touchy. I am not disturbed by it but it surprises me.

 

What should I say?

[Honey Pumpkin]

If you don't want to have sex with him, you shouldn't be sleeping with him like that, probably. Very mixed message-y, to be honest.

[DylanNotorious]

Having you in the same bed is obviously turning him on. Is there a reason why you won't have sex with him?

[Furtive]

If you don't mind it as you repeat over and over again, then what's the problem/issue, and what are you worried about?

 

If you keep typing you're fine with it, but you really aren't, then just confront him?

 

I can only guess he's getting his satisfaction through this method because you're fine with it, and it's the closest thing to sex?

 

I guess, I just don't understand your position.

[justinfan12]

Having you in the same bed is obviously turning him on. Is there a reason why you won't have sex with him?

@Honey. Why cant I be in the same bed with my boyfriend? I like cuddling with him. Is there a universal rule about someone not allowed to spend time in the same bed with someone? If so, let me know cause I wasn't aware.

 

@Dylan. Yes there is a reason. He knows about it. And he is okay with it. He doesn't pressure me to have sex, he says he can wait that sex isn't important to him but I guess he can't help himself when I am there..

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just because you are in the same bed with him, doesn't mean he has the right to grope you while you are sleeping and not able to consent. I don't care how horny he is...sleeping in the same bed IS NOT permission to be groped while asleep. If you don't want him to do it then you need to let him know.

[justinfan12]

If you don't mind it as you repeat over and over again, then what's the problem/issue, and what are you worried about?

 

If you keep typing you're fine with it, but you really aren't, then just confront him?

 

I can only guess he's getting his satisfaction through this method because you're fine with it, and it's the closest thing to sex?

 

I guess, I just don't understand your position.

Well it just surprises me. Like I stated I am new to this. I normally thought these things don't happen. I thought when two people are sleeping they sleep and nothing happens. I am sorry I am not educated about these things.

 

My position is that I am confused about it kind of. He says he will wait and doesn't pressure me but I don't get why he gets extremely sexual with me while we are asleep. I am not turned off by it because I like him a lot. But it just confuses me thats all. We are supposed to be sleeping or I am supposed to be sleeping but then you know, I will wake up with his hands down my pants. It just startles me a little.

[justinfan12]

Just because you are in the same bed with him, doesn't mean he has the right to grope you while you are sleeping and not able to consent. I don't care how horny he is...sleeping in the same bed IS NOT permission to be groped while asleep. If you don't want him to do it then you need to let him know.

I agree with you. I thought I would be judged for being a tease. But I don't think I am being a tease. It's not like I am purposely wearing certain things and behaving a certain way. Sometimes we will just lay in bed, talk, and cuddle a bit. I fall asleep, and he falls asleep. I wake up and he is touching me. I will say his name and he won't say anything back. It's almost like he is asleep. Do you think he even knows he does it? How should I bring this up. Its kind of embarrassing..

[DylanNotorious]

Maybe deep down, he is not okay with you guys not having sex. His actions don't match his words.

 

You must be a deep sleeper to wake up to find his hand already down your pants. So he takes advantage of that.

 

Personally he's pushing it. Maybe you should stop sleeping in the same bed together until your ready to have sex.

[LDRohnos]

It's not embarrassing...

 

I think the guy is sexually frustrated. In fact I know he is. He's apparently ready for sex and you aren't...it's a volatile combination.

 

Be careful with this, I understand you want to wait to have sex and he's touchy because it's something he feels he needs and you're not ready to give it to him. He's taking it as rejection. The longer it goes on the worse it's going to get.

 

How long do you plan on withholding sex for? If it's something you don't think is going to happen for a LONG TIME (for whatever reason) you're going to have to re-evaluate this relationship.

 

Dont have to answer this if you don't want to but... Are you a virgin?

[DN]

Sorry, but I think sleeping in the same bed as someone who obviously wants to have sex with you is being a tease whether you intend it or not.

 

I like cuddling with him

that's great for you but you aren't thinking about him.

[justinfan12]

It's not embarrassing...

 

I think the guy is sexually frustrated. In fact I know he is. He's apparently ready for sex and you aren't...it's a volatile combination.

 

Be careful with this, I understand you want to wait to have sex and he's touchy because it's something he feels he needs and you're not ready to give it to him. He's taking it as rejection. The longer it goes on the worse it's going to get.

 

How long do you plan on withholding sex for? If it's something you don't think is going to happen for a LONG TIME (for whatever reason) you're going to have to re-evaluate this relationship.

 

Dont have to answer this if you don't want to but... Are you a virgin?

Yes. Its not that I am withholding sex. I plan to have sex with him eventually. I am just not ready. He knows my reasons.

Maybe he is sexually frustrated. I didn't know. I did not understand that guys get sexually frustreated. I sound really stupid, for that I apologize. But I didn't know he couldn't just control it?

[DN]

Of course he can control it. What he is doing isn't right but neither of you should be in that situation in the first place.

[Miss Firecracker]

Don't sleep with a man unless you want him sexually. That's the only advise I have. When you are over 50, it's still not safe.

[justinfan12]

Sorry, but I think sleeping in the same bed as someone who obviously wants to have sex with you is being a tease whether you intend it or not.

 

that's great for you but you aren't thinking about him.

But he is okay with it. How is it being a tease? We do other things, he is okay with doing other things. If he wanted just sex, I told him he can go find someone else. I opened that door for him a very long time ago and he refuses to walk out that door I offered. So. I dont really understand how am I teasing? I am thinking about him. In fact I ask him all the time every single time I tell him we don't have to cuddle we don't even have to touch each other (hugs hand holding) if it bugs him, and he says its okay we can still do those things. I think you are very wrong to say I don't care, because if I didn't care, I wouldn't bother asking him and seeing how he feels.

[LDRohnos]

Yes. Its not that I am withholding sex. I plan to have sex with him eventually. I am just not ready. He knows my reasons.

Maybe he is sexually frustrated. I didn't know. I did not understand that guys get sexually frustreated. I sound really stupid, for that I apologize. But I didn't know he couldn't just control it?

 

Guys generally don't tick like women do. Especially younger guys when it comes to physical intimacy and/or sex (and most older guys as well). He can do things about it (such as masturbation) but that never replaces the actual thing.

 

I understand if you're a virgin that you're not *intentionally* withholding sex, you're just not ready for sex. He is ready and so long as you're sleeping with him that is going to drive him absolutely insane. You need to either stop sleeping with him (literally sleeping) or you need to re-evaluate the relationship.

 

It may not seem like it to you but what you're doing is going to break him over time.

[Ms Darcy]

Just because you are in the same bed with him, doesn't mean he has the right to grope you while you are sleeping and not able to consent. I don't care how horny he is...sleeping in the same bed IS NOT permission to be groped while asleep. If you don't want him to do it then you need to let him know.

 

I agree with this. However, I think you need to figure yourself out first. Decide if it bothers you. The most reasonable solution may be either to talk to him or stop spending the night. He might think you are ok with it if you don't say anything.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm not saying that his actions are right, but I do feel that you're sending the wrong message by sleeping in his bed. If you simply want to just "cuddle" at this point, why not cuddle on the couch, and not spend the night?

[justinfan12]

I agree with this. However, I think you need to figure yourself out first. Decide if it bothers you. The most reasonable solution may be either to talk to him or stop spending the night. He might think you are ok with it if you don't say anything.

What do you think I should say? Any ideas. I want to go about this very nicely. He is kind of sensitive.

[DN]

His actions aren't matching his words.

 

Look, you can play with fire all you want but someone is going to get burned here and it won't be pretty.

 

This is very simple - if you want his behaviour to stop, then stop sleeping in the same bed.

[LAYAAN]

I have been through a similar situation.

I'm from Asian culture. I've no experience with sex. I tried dating a white guy (which was a mistake). He is not religious types and is used to getting sex in a committed relationship. I told him honestly "I'm not planning on staying a virgin, but I prefer to lose it for the right guy, at right time, for right reasons. I can't put a time on when and if it will happen." He was okay with it. We would make out on his couch. He would get it up and go self-help. I stayed with him at his house, but I slept in a separate bedroom. 3 months into dating he realized that he was not okay with not getting sex. He turned into a rude, cold, dry man. I couldn't understand what made him change suddenly like this. I did confront him about this change in his behavior. He denied it, but continued with same behavior for a month. That last month, I dragged the relationship. I am pretty sure that he was done with it in his mind. After that I simply broke up with him. He was upset at the time of breakup, asked me if I could stay and all.

Later when I asked his guy friend why he behaved this way, he said "He wasn't happy that you were not having sex with him, but he didn't know how to say it. He didn't want to be taken as a bad guy for pushing his GF to have sex with him. He tried to control it and be okay with it, but he really was not okay and that showed in his behavior. Its a shame for a man if he is not getting sex from his GF."

[LDRohnos]

His actions aren't matching his words.

 

Look, you can play with fire all you want but someone is going to get burned here and it won't be pretty.

 

This is very simple - if you want his behaviour to stop, then stop sleeping in the same bed.

 

I agree, you really cannot have your cake and eat it too in this case.

 

You're obviously very receptive to his feelings and that's great, the two of you need to set very rigid boundaries here and soon. Or if you want to sleep with him you're going to have to compromise in some way, he will go crazy over time if you do not. I'm talking sexual compromise. If you cannot compromise then stop sleeping with him.

[justinfan12]

I'm not saying that his actions are right, but I do feel that you're sending the wrong message by sleeping in his bed. If you simply want to just "cuddle" at this point, why not cuddle on the couch, and not spend the night?

When I say sleep in his bed, I fall asleep there. I end up falling asleep and I can't just wake up at 3 AM and take the bus home because service isn't available. I guess it never hit me to sleep on the couch until now. I never meant to send him the wrong message. I thought when we had a talk about sex, I told him why I couldn't have sex right now. He knows my reason, understands it and choose willingly to stick with me. I want to have sex with him eventually (he knows this). I am not withholding sex from him. This just sounds a lot more complicated than I thought.

 

We are open and honest about things. He asked me, and there were times when things seemed like sex would happen he told me. "What's wrong what is holding you back, is it me?" Thats when I told him. But I am working with it and he is by my side so I appreciate it. I want to have sex with him because he is great to me. But I can't have sex because I will have flashbacks. It happened 2 months ago where we got close and I started crying. He felt bad, and I felt bad. So We had that talk.

 

He told me it was okay, we did not have to go there. He was okay with cuddling and other stuff. But he hasn't pressured me for sex. He has told me though a few times that it was very hard for him. To suppress that desire to have sex with me, it was hard for him. But he has been patient. It's not like I won't touch him at all. I do. But we are taking it slow, for the reasons I have explained to him.

 

My whole purpose for this was to get some insight. I just didn't really understand what was going on. I guess he is sexually frustrated.. I feel bad. Like it is my fault.

[LDRohnos]

Ummm.....

 

Yeah that might have been me you were dating...I'm not even joking. (it's actually not but 99% of that story is the exact same thing I went through in my last relationship...cultures and all!)

 

He just wasn't compatible with you, and as I was saying above just like your boyfriend took it personally (as did I) so will the OP's boyfriend if a compromise is not reached.

 

I'm going to be honest here... sleeping on the couch will not necessarily solve the problem. Maybe a month or two, but if you're talking really long term here then it just wont.

[Generation]

Sorry, but I think sleeping in the same bed as someone who obviously wants to have sex with you is being a tease whether you intend it or not.

 

I would have to disagree with you. Being a tease would have to include some malice and leading on in my opinion from the woman's outlook. The thing is, everyone has different stages and levels they must go through in order to establish comfort and trust before they can go to that step. For her, it's obvious she's going to really need to take her time, and she's also a virgin too, so it means something. From what I gather by your logic, you shouldn't sleep with anyone unless you had the intent of having sex with them at some point. Judging from her posts, she does have the intent, but she's not ready. That's absolutely cool.

 

From your mentality, when you say "whether you intend it or not", you're essentially victimizing yourself for not getting some, and that's a really selfish thought. I'm kind of really disappointed you said that, I would have expected more from such a high ranking poster.