My boyfriend touches me while I am sleeping.. is this normal?

[Generation]

You can tease people inadvertently whether you are wearing seductive clothing or not, and that is clearly what is happening here because he is becoming aroused. I said in my post "whether you intend it or not".

 

So stop sleeping in the same bed. I don't understand why you can't see that is the obvious solution.

 

I would still have to disagree. YOU think you're being teased. It's all in your head. She's not doing anything wrong here.

[LDRohnos]

I would still have to disagree. YOU think you're being teased. It's all in your head. She's not doing anything.

 

You're still using the logic that you can control your emotions and needs. And yes, that is exactly right...YOU think you're being teased and that is not something one can control on a consistent basis.

 

It's like changing a fundamental part of your personality...you might be able to keep it up for a week? a Month? But eventually you're going to end back the exact way you started.

[justinfan12]

Yeah I did mean it.

 

When you know what's happening and you fail to tell him "Stop that", then it is leading him on.

Why else would I come here to get advice and ask if this was normal?

I didn't want to just cause something or drama. I wanted to be sure. I wasn't sure, so I googled for help and eventually led myself here, registered,than asked for advice.

 

Or did this concept totally fly over your head? I pushed him away. Its not leading on. I want to make sure of things first before I confront. Not everyone acts before they think like you. (Assuming kind of like what you've done so far)

[agent1607307371]

I don't think this has anything to do with whether the OP is having sex with her bf or not. They are being sexual, and for some people that means they have access to their partners body whether they are awake or not. It's not a behaviour that is confined to people whose partners aren't going all the way with them.

 

OP, for some peope it's normal and acceptable. For other's it's not. If it's not acceptable to you, tell your bf (and stop sharing a bed if he decides he can't control himself). If it's ok, tell your bf. Either way, you guys need to discuss this and you need to deicde if this falls in your comfort zone or not.

[Deciduous]

Define bother?

It doesn't piss me off or make me angry. It just surprises me- like I stated time and time again, I have never been through this before. I don't know if this is normal or something to worry about. I just want to know what to say without upsetting him or making a big deal about it. Im not used to this, so I dont know if what he does is a normal thing. Thats why I am asking.

 

Errr, he's getting a hard-on, luv. An erection, a stiffy! He's rubbing himself up against you to stimulate his penis. It gives him pleasure. He has sexual urges and is also curious about your body. Even while your asleep. Do you seriously think that is abnormal? Guys also have wet dreams where they ejaculate sperm in thier sleep.

 

1. Is it normal to get a large erection when a sexually attractive female is asleep next to you? YES.

 

2. Should he be diving into your pants to stimulate himself when your asleep? NO.

 

3. I'm I surprised that he is doing so? NO

 

4. Can he control himself? YES

 

5. Is it difficult YES

 

6. Are you respecting that he is a sexual man when jumping into bed with him for "hugs" NO

 

7. Should you be sleeping next to him when you are this naive about the male body? NO - Definitely not.

 

8. Should you stop sleeping at his house until you are both ready for a sexual relationship. - YES

 

9. Is he being respectful of your body when you stay round ? NO

 

10. Are you being respectful of his body and the fact that he clearly wants a sexual relationship? NO

 

11. Are you being incredibly naive about sex and the male body. YES

 

12. Should you be getting your entire sexual education from this site. HELL NO link removed

 

13. Are you respecting the sexual boundaries of each other by continuing to sleep together despite your no sex policy? NADA

 

14. Are you emotionally mature enough to have sleepovers of this kind. NO

 

 

15. Are you behaving in an emotionally and sexually responsible manner? NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST -

 

Have you explored your options on contraceptives. That is a must. Get wise. If he is old enough to get an erection then he is old enough to impregnate you. You don't understand the adult dynamics here. Many young lovers jump into to bed, swearing not to go to far. Naivete and innocence is not a valid contraception as far as I am aware. You are behaving very irresponsibly and it grieves me

 

 

Deci

[justinfan12]

Jumping into bed with hugs? I don't do that..

I dont know. I don't date a lot. I've only been in two relationships. With my past relationship he forced himself on me so. I don't know a lot about the 'male anatomy'. All I know maybe this isn't factual is that men are sexual beings. Again, I was never curious enough to know about it so...

 

Seems like you are making it out to be that I purposely make him this way? I've talked to him about it, so much that he is even annoyed that I bring it up. I talk to him about the sex etc and if he is okay with waiting for me to be ready.

 

I dont agree with 6, 7, 8, 9, 13, 15.

 

Am I not allowed to be an inch near my own boyfriend just because he wants to have sex with me? I don't understand this at all. Im not being naive. I just think some of you guys have sex on the mind a little too much. I am not withholding sex from him. He knows I want to have sex with him. I just can't do it now, I am not ready.

 

I am on birth control...

[DylanNotorious]

Why else would I come here to get advice and ask if this was normal?

I didn't want to just cause something or drama. I wanted to be sure. I wasn't sure, so I googled for help and eventually led myself here, registered,than asked for advice.

 

Or did this concept totally fly over your head? I pushed him away. Its not leading on. I want to make sure of things first before I confront. Not everyone acts before they think like you. (Assuming kind of like what you've done so far)

 

Did it fly over my head? No I don't think so. But you got to ask yourself, why does he keep touching you when you push his hands away?

[Furtive]

Justfinfan,

 

I'm slowly going over your posts from the beginning.

 

A lot of the confrontation you're dealing with is arising from the fact that your initial post wasn't very clear, and then you are further adding more and more details that didn't exist before, and then arguing with people on the assumption that they should have known what you never said. We are strangers reading your story for the first time, and we're bound to make errors in our assumptions. You don't need to get hostile, and instead just correct people in a polite manner. If it's confused again, refer back, politely, to the post in which you addressed that issue already (as most people don't read every post in a thread).

 

See if you can summarize your post in outline form...so far this is what I have:

 

-My boyfriend touches me sexually when I sleep next to him, is this normal?

-Is the above normal in the context of me telling him I'm not ready for sex?

-His sexual touching bothers me, and I move away, but our regular touching doesn't bother me, what should I say to him about the sexual touching?

 

 

I'm not even sure I'm right, and after reading your initial post without clarifications, my initial impression was:

-Gets sexually touched, likes it, wants to know if it's wrong

 

So I can see why everyone is going all over the place.

 

It really relates back to a previous poster, can't remember who...but if you aren't asking a clear question, you cannot expect clear answers.

 

 

Let me do a couple edits to show you how unclear you are being, and why you are flying off the handle for no reason:

 

A quote from you in the original post:

 

"...sometimes I will be sleeping and he will be too.. I will wake up in the middle of the night sometimes with him touching me. A lot. I don't mind it.

 

Then...

 

"Define bother? It doesn't piss me off or make me angry. It just surprises me"

 

Then...

 

'You think I don't remove his hands out of my pants? You think I just lay there and don't move away? Of course I do."

 

How you think anyone can infer your last quote after all your previous material boggles my mind. You are calling other people selfish, cruel, mean, aholes..whatever...but are showing absolutely no compassion for the fact that you've contradicted what you've typed in multiple ways, over and over again.

[Nearbot]

You shouldn't be an inch near your boyfriend in bed in the middle of the night. You are being naive. Everyone is telling you the same thing: don't sleep over at your boyfriend's if you don't want to have sex. If you tell him you plan on having sex with him eventually, he's probably hoping every night you sleep over is "the night". Don't sleep over unless it is that night. Cuddle him when you go to movies, on picnics, whatever. But yes, cuddling him in bed at night leads him on.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is pretty typical of the mentality of today's society....where people now think that having sex is their right and someone who won't give it to them or is not quite ready yet, is a tease, naive, a virgin, clueless blah blah blah. Lots of couples sleep together and are not having sex. Married couples and couples who have been together for a while don't have sex every time they are sleeping in the same bed..and don't grope the other person in the middle of the night. I didn't realize that a bed was for sex, not for sleeping...it is kind of the same mentality that a woman's breasts were meant for a man's pleasure rather than for providing the means for nourishing a newborn baby. Yes, the guy may be sexually frustrated...but then he can leave the bed, sort himself out and then come back to bed without groping her while she is unconscious.

[greywolf]

Well it just surprises me. Like I stated I am new to this. I normally thought these things don't happen. I thought when two people are sleeping they sleep and nothing happens. I am sorry I am not educated about these things.

 

My position is that I am confused about it kind of. He says he will wait and doesn't pressure me but I don't get why he gets extremely sexual with me while we are asleep. I am not turned off by it because I like him a lot. But it just confuses me thats all. We are supposed to be sleeping or I am supposed to be sleeping but then you know, I will wake up with his hands down my pants. It just startles me a little.

 

what's confusing about a guy wanting to do sexual things with you?

[LDRohnos]

Yes, the guy may be sexually frustrated...but then he can leave the bed, sort himself out and then come back to bed without groping her while she is unconscious.

 

How many nights do you think he'll be able to keep this up before he's had enough? 50? 100?

 

Sans the unconscious feeling up...obviously that's wrong but I think it's an act of desperation on his part.

[Deciduous]

Top marks for sorting out your birth control first. I'm sorry to hear about your first relationship. That really wasn't on.

 

 

 

 

Heads up. Lets be adult. You're allowed within an inch of your boyfriend, I think you know this. The emotional immaturity comes when you start sleeping over alone with him and you seem surprised when he gets a major stiffy. This indicates you simply aren't ready for a full sexual relationship.

 

Are you listening to male comments on this thread. They are trying to give you male perspective. They are telling you what it is like for males. You seem disinterested in their experiences and their point of view, which troubles me.

 

The message I'm getting, "I like sleeping next to boyfriend. I want my hugs. I'm certainly not willing to sacrifice that for the sake of respectful sexual boundaries."

If you plan to have sex with him in a couple of months, then how about drawing up clear demarcation lines for now.

 

I stand by my previous analysis.

 

 

Deci

[justinfan12]

what's confusing about a guy wanting to do sexual things with you?

1. I am a virgin (technically I am not but I dont count forcing yourself on someone after and saying I am not a virgin because of that)

2. I dont know much about these things

3. He knows I want to wait for sex until I am ready.

4. It shocked me that he does things to me while I am sleeping and while he is sleeping. He makes me feel very safe so I don't think of being harmed or violated in anyway when I am with him. But waking up to this those times kind of surprised me.

5. I now know not to sleep with him at all, not to touch or cuddle with him in anyway because apparently I am teasing him.

[DylanNotorious]

1. I am a virgin (technically I am not but I dont count forcing yourself on someone after and saying I am not a virgin because of that)

2. I dont know much about these things

3. He knows I want to wait for sex until I am ready.

4. It shocked me that he does things to me while I am sleeping and while he is sleeping. He makes me feel very safe so I don't think of being harmed or violated in anyway when I am with him. But waking up to this those times kind of surprised me.

5. I now know not to sleep with him at all, not to touch or cuddle with him in anyway because apparently I am teasing him.

 

LoL you've got your knickers in a twist over point 5 don't you. You've mentioned it quite a few times now.......

[Furtive]

You're so logical up until point 5 there.

 

Then what happens? You blow everything everyone has said out of proportion. It's been clearly said to you multiple times that you can touch/cuddle, yadda, yadda, it's just not smart to sleep in his bed. Why do you keep making it out like that advice is tied to no physical intimacy at all?

 

...

[justinfan12]

Maybe he does deserves better. Thanks for that. But you know I have repeatedly mentioned if he didn't want to wait and be patient for me to go all the way he can leave me. I have told him this a lot. And he still refuses. He doesn't want to be with anyone else.

 

You are speaking as if I am being selfish here. Like I dont consider his feelings. At all. I am here to tell you you are wrong.

Why else would I ask him repeatedly about certain things? Why would I ask if he is okay with waiting? Why would I ask if he is okay with hugging, hell I even ask him if he is okay with my kissing him just in case he might get into 'that mood' and I dont want to frustrate him. So I ask, to be safe and clear. But I guess I am obviously selfish. So I dont ask questions or consider his feelings. I dont ask before doing 'physical' things at all.

 

How do I seem disinterested? I read every single reply that people have posted. I don't know what conclusions you are drawing but maybe you should check yourself a bit. I have already got the fact that sleeping next to him and touching him is obviously wrong. Why dont you go back and read posts before you start false assumptions.

 

Not everyone is as sexually advanced and sexual like you. sorry that I couldn't be like that. Very sorry.

[Mesemene]

Well, he told me once that I gave him what is it called, blue balls. I am not really familiar with that at all. And he begged me to do something. He didn't pressure me but I gave him oral sex. He felt a lot better afterwards. I think whenever he gets turned on even when I don't touch him at all.. when I leave hes admitted to masturbating to release the tension. I felt really awful when he told me I gave him.. blue balls? It sounds really bad. Idk what that is. I apologized like 30 times, he said it was okay.

 

Basically, it's when a guy is stimulated - and it doesn't have to involve touching - and gets an erection, semen gets all pumped and ready to go - and with no relief valve, pressure builds until it can be acutely painful.

 

If you're ok with manual stimulation (ie, handjob) and oral, that's a compromise that at least helps alleviate the sexual frustration. If you don't enjoy pleasing him this way though, or having him pleasure you manually/orally while you wait on the sex, it's not going to make you very happy in the long run.

[LDRohnos]

Basically, it's when a guy is stimulated - and it doesn't have to involve touching - and gets an erection, semen gets all pumped and ready to go - and with no relief valve, pressure builds until it can be acutely painful.

 

To be more precise...actually the testicles twist (which is what happens when you "release"...in this case you don't get that release) and stops the blood flow from reaching them. Yeah I just shivered too.

 

Also it's just the blood flow not returning to the body. IE... The testicles are "primed" but there's no "fire" that tells the body it doesn't need the blood there anymore. So there it stays.

[Fudgie]

I agree with the others. Don't sleep in the same bed as a guy when you KNOW he wants sex and you don't. I agree with the others who have said that it's sort of "teasing" whether you mean to or not. I don't think you mean to at all.

 

You're not wearing some lingerie set but when you're in bed with someone, regardless of what you're wearing, it's dark, warm, and intimate. You're inadvertently putting yourself into a situation where it's very easy to want and have sexual contact with someone. If you have not told the guy that you don't want him doing those things to you, then I don't see it as him being in the wrong, because it sounds like normal behaviour for when you're in bed with someone that you love.

 

You really should sleep elsewhere (not with him) until you're ready for sex, or at least some sexual contact (like oral).

[DylanNotorious]

No I am not a troll as I said before.

 

That's fine if you don't like my opinion. My opinion obviously bothers you above all others. Funny that.

[Deciduous]

LoL you've got your knickers in a twist over point 5 don't you. You've mentioned it quite a few times now.......

 

Yes I think we can dismiss No.5. A deliberate misunderstanding. There's a strong whiff of teenage emotional blackmail in that sentence.

[greywolf]

1. I am a virgin (technically I am not but I dont count forcing yourself on someone after and saying I am not a virgin because of that)

2. I dont know much about these things

3. He knows I want to wait for sex until I am ready.

4. It shocked me that he does things to me while I am sleeping and while he is sleeping. He makes me feel very safe so I don't think of being harmed or violated in anyway when I am with him. But waking up to this those times kind of surprised me.

5. I now know not to sleep with him at all, not to touch or cuddle with him in anyway because apparently I am teasing him.

 

OP, if you want advice, that's fine. If you want to learn more about the dynamics of intimate relationships, then good for you. But I don't understand the purpose of all the hostility.

 

I never said it was ok for him to be doing those things. I never said it mattered whether you were having sex with him or not or whether you were a virgin or not. Your question was: "Is it normal for him to be doing this? I am confused why he wants to do it."

 

The answer is that yes, it's normal, and no, it's not confusing. I congratulate you for waiting till you are ready for sex. Based on the things you have said here, I think you have some growing up to do till you are ready.

[justinfan12]

No I am not a troll as I said before.

 

That's fine if you don't like my opinion. My opinion obviously bothers you above all others. Funny that.

It's common for trolls not to believe they are trolls. You are a troll. You weren't trolling before, but now you are. You should probably leave.

[DylanNotorious]

No.

 

I'm here to offer my opinion like everyone else. I will leave when I'm ready to leave.