ironman73 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Hi Ruby I am so glad you posted this thread. I feel like you just relayed my relationship story too. I am going to start the NC tomorrow. I am so sad that he doesn't want me any more either. I am really glad I came accross this forum. For some reason, my work proxy server will not let me post my story as a stand alone thread, so I will do it later. I hope that you have some advice too. I was an amazing girlfriend too- I did everything for him and I really took care of him. And yet, he still thinks that there is someone out there better than me. I am a physician, I have my career together, I am really pretty (used to model), I do every kind of sport and we did everything together and talked 50x a day. His friends and family think he is crazy, but he has decided there is someone better out there. I am so devastated. Link to comment
WhenWillILove Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 What is his career? Do you earn more than him? Maybe he feels insecure around you? I mean, a former model that's also a physician could be quite threatening to some men in the sense that she might find someone better and leave him..... Link to comment
ironman73 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Yeah, I earn about 5x more than him. He works as an institutional sales assistant for wells fargo. He has a BA from a UC. I have a MD from an Ivy League. I should also mention that I am 10 years older (but we look the same age) with 3 kids from another relationship which he just never could accept. Well, he never tried to accept them. But we got along so well. We did *everything* together. He said I was 99% his perfect fit, but the kids made it an A-. So he is going to look for someone who is a better fit. I just can't imagine that someone out there would get along with him better than me. His family and friends tried to tell him that there would never be anyone better than me. In fact his dad told me that if it was him, he'd have moved in with me months ago. I am just so sad that he never accepted me for who I was (i.e. with kids). Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Danica, I'm so sorry you are going through this too... you sound like a great woman who has her life put together, and it's so hard to understand why they would leave us like we aren't good enough... I have my mind (and my savings, ha!) set on starting my own business by the time I'm 30. I earn more than my parents, I speak 4 languages, I am really hard working and open minded, daring and active in bed... still, not good enough. These new women he's talking to must be supermodels, because seriously I don't get it. Still it makes me feel so incredibly low. I hope NC will help you. There is a man out there who will be absolutely crazy about you and your children. I know how much you miss him right now though, so feel free to share this thread with me and let it all out! We're here for you Link to comment
ironman73 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 You know, the woman above me had an interesting post- maybe the same thing is going on with you... he may feel inadequate around you. So you being super attractive and put together (and speaking 4 languages- amazing!) is actually a detriment for you, not a blessing... maybe it is not us who isn't good enough, but them.... Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 >>Truth is all of them are over 30 with no stable jobs, no possesions, no savings and doing pot, drinking and even snorting cocaine. Out of all these posts, this is what stood out... I don't think he left because there is anything deficient in you, he most likely left because he wants to party and have fun and not have an real responsibilities right now. What you want is a stable life, normal relationship leading to marriage and family, family responsibility etc. What he wants is to party party party and chase other girls. It is not coincidence if he left you while your father was dying.... there are just some people who don't do 'hard'... when they going gets tough, they do a runner. He didn't want the 'downer' of you dealing with your father's death, he wanted to party. He felt guilty about leaving you, but he sure didn't change his behavior to support you during that hard time. So you have to ask yourself this. Why are you looking to stay with a guy who wants to run around flirting with other women, do drugs, be irresponsible, leave you when the going gets tough? What you need is a true partner, not just some guy who murmurs nice words now and again then runs off again. What you are grieving is the loss of a sense of security, but this guy didn't offer that. When times got tough, he bolted. So you have to give up your idea of him as a great guy who was loving and wonderful and blah blah blah, if what he has really become is a drunken pot and cokehead who chases women. That's who he identifies with, that's who he wants to be right now, and that is nothing like you! So it is obvious why he left, because he wants to party and he doesn't do 'hard' or show any real commitment to living a normal responsible life with you. It's not about you and and 'defect' in you, it is about some MAJOR defects in him. So quit putting him on a pedestal. It's really easy for him to fire off an 'i miss you' message when he's drunk and nostalgic, but the truth is he is nowhere to be found and not willing to share a life with you because he'd rather party. Next time he sends you one of those sappy 'i hate the rain because it reminds me of you', send him a message back that says, 'and the point of your message is what? if you really missed me, you step up and be here with me right now working on this relationship'... don't let him use you as a nostalgic trip down memory lane whenever he's in the mood. He needs to get the point that he made his choice to dump you, and you're not there for him whenever he gets a sentimental moment but then he runs off again to do another line or smoke another joint or shag another girl. You think those texts mean a lot, but all they mean is he's using you like a security blanket while he is busily getting over you doing something else. re: losing your father, you should join a grief support group to meet with others who have gone thru such a loss. you keep wanting to go back to him for sympathy, but remember, this is a guy who had the astounding selfishness to leave you because he didn't want to do 'hard' and he cared more about his 'fun' than the fact that you were going thru something so traumatic as losing your father. He put PARTYING over taking care of someone he was supposed to be in love with. He's not as deep as you, in fact he's shallow if he's busily running around partying and doing coke and drugs and drinking while abandoning a long term GF because she's not so 'fun' anymore because she's watching her father die. So wipe up your tears and realize you shouldn't be thinking about what YOU are lacking that didn't keep him around, you should be thinking about how seriously lacking he is on so many levels. You've romanticized him and created a nice warm fantasy of him and a future husband and comfort and etc., but this guy isn't it... he wants to do drugs and party with his mates and other women. He's not a good candidate for a future husband and father, if he'd stiff his partner and run out on her to party when she really needed him. This guy isn't a Prince Charming or wonderful person, he's a selfish cad. After 5 years, he owed you more than taking a powder when your father got ill. Don't romanticize him, see him for who he really is, and recognize he's not good enough for you, not the other way around. And if you need comfort and connection, he's not the guy for it. Join a grief support group to deal with your father's loss (or find a grief counselor and go in for some sessions), and start recognizing that you ex is no Prince Charming, he's a late 20s loser who drinking, drugging, and chasing women and tossed you over at a really bad time in order to do that... shallow guy, you can do better! Link to comment
ironman73 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Hi Ruby- I posted my story. your thoughts are appreciated. Danica Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Maybe Danica, but it's so strange... if you had someone in love with you who you find amazing, would you want to call it quits because you think they're "better than you"? I'd love to be with a man who was amazing and more successful and intelligent than me, since I could learn and grow more as a person! Lavendar, I will print out your post and re-read it when I get upset. I guess what I miss is the man I met for the first 3 years, who was so into us and seemed so nice and really happy to be with me. Maybe he was faking all along? I've always been really insecure about my looks and always thought other women are sexier and hotter than me, and this break up and the fact I saw flirty texts is reinforcing my worst fears and my complexes even more... Link to comment
TimeToLearn1 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Ruby, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I really don't like to use labels where individuals are concerned but I wondered if you had considered the possibility that your ex has narcissistic tendencies? When he saw that he needed to put something into the relationship rather than be there to get something from you he walked...and straight to other women. That's how he deals with difficult times. You remember the wonderful guy he was in the beginning..yet, where is that person now? Chances are what you saw in the beginning was not his true self. Consider the possibility that what you are experiencing now IS his true nature. Guys like this wreak havoc with one's self esteem. Please know that what you are feeling is normal because you have been in a toxic relationship. What you need to do now is work on yourself and forget about what he is doing right now. Don't worry that he's going to disappear on you because he won't. He isn't done with you yet.. THAT's why you need to focus on YOU now, otherwise this entanglement is going to run and run. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 I have considered that, and I do believe he might have those tendencies from reading online. A LOT of the traits fit him, even things he has said or done when I compare them to other stories of people with narcissitic partners. What do you mean he isn't done yet? Are these people aware of their behaviour, or they don't mean to hurt the people they're with? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 The 20's are a time of great change for people... Most people in their 20s mature and grow into adulthood and responsibility, and some just want to extend their adolescence. And some don't outgrow the teens/early 20s 'party' phase, and in fact, disappear worse into that scene developing serious drinking and drug habits and a life of dissolution and partying and acting like teenagers rather than adults. So it's not the he 'faked' it, i think in the beginning he probably enjoyed playing house and was excited by it, but as he aged rather than shifting into full maturity, he decided he preferred being a teenager and drinking/drugging/chasing girls. He may like you well enough, but having a steady GF who expects him to be responsible and deal with adult issues like ill and dying parents isn't 'fun' for him, so when maturity and commitment was expected of him, he instead decided he'd prefer to be a party animal. The domestic routine of being with one person day in and day out can get 'boring' for people who are not mature and who want to be stimulated by 'fun' or change constantly. So you are discovering that he doesn't want to mature and wants all his life to be like the carefree teen years with partying and chasing girls. He had fun playing house for awhile, but decided that he didn't like the restrictions a mature relationship placed on him... he didn't really want all the responsibilty that goes with being someone's parent. He waxes nostalgic about the 'fun' times you had together, but didn't have the character or desire to stick around for life's adult responsibilities like dealing with parents dying etc. You can't build a mature relationship on someone who has no character and wants to stay a teenager... You grew up, and he didn't. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 I guess you are right, but it's still really hard to come to terms with. He keeps saying all he wants is a "drama-ess" normal life... I never asked about marriage, kids or anything of the like (considering I'm almost 30 I think I'm quite relaxed about all that) I just wanted to enjoy life together, have fun, have dinner, dates, travel... I never even asked to have a ring on my finger after living together for 5 years, for christ's sakes!! I didn't even ask him to do housework!! It's all really hard right now Link to comment
TimeToLearn1 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Ruby there is a predictable pattern of behaviour with men like this. So much of what you say is familiar to me. Your ex is 'managing' you by text. Do you know how easy it is to send a text? I have a tip for you - replace his name with the word 'Breadcrumbs' on your cell phone. So every time a text comes in it will remind you to ask yourself the question, what is this text trying to achieve? A meeting? Reconciliation? An apology? Concern about how I am doing? Or is it to keep him in your thoughts? For what purpose? He is not done with you because he is trying to manage your expectations down. I will repeat what others have said to you. You have to start thinking about YOU. The moment he starts to feel that you are pulling away he will start pulling the 'emotional' card..but..will commit to NOTHING. I'm sorry to say this but for him it is more of a game than anything else. Don't let him play his game. By the way, did he ever give you your key back? Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Thanks TimeToLearn! I am thinking about me, doing my own thing and not expecting anything... I keep going out with my friends, studying stuff, dolling myself up, training with my roller derby team... But I can't help the feelings I still have for him. I can't help I love this man and it kills me inside to even think of him with another woman. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 When he says he wants a 'drama-less' life, what he is really saying is he wants 'fun' and no trouble in his life... that is not the way life works... if you just chase 'fun' and avoid all the other things in life like really caring for others (and sticking around when a friend/lover has a hard time like your father dying), then he is truly shallow and selfish. He wants to skim the cream and leave the rest. And yes, you can help the feelings for him... you have control of yourself and your own life, and with discipline can get him out of your head in order to free yourself to find someone who really does love you. Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it to get him out of your head. If you do that, your feelings will follow and fall in line with you rational understanding that he dumped you at the worst time in your life and is selfishly drinking/drugging/chasing women. The first thing you need to do is quit romanticizing him and start disciplining your mind and rooting him out of it. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 I will google it and try... hopefully I will stop missing him. The feeling of me being inadequate will take a while for me to get over though Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Don't answer his texts anymore... Just don't... It is giving him those little comforting boosts that make the transition so much easier for him. It's hard, it feels mean, but... You simply must. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I never asked about marriage, kids or anything of the like (considering I'm almost 30 I think I'm quite relaxed about all that) I just wanted to enjoy life together, have fun, have dinner, dates, travel... I never even asked to have a ring on my finger after living together for 5 years, for christ's sakes!! I didn't even ask him to do housework!! I think that might be something to reconsider in the future. I wouldn't live with someone for five years without asking for a commitment. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 We were "commited" to each other in a sense, but without worrying about marriage. But you are right I gave him all the good in a "marriage" without having to propose. He always said "I want to live with someone at least 5 years before I marry them" Well surprise surprise, he dumps me right at 5 years. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 He always said "I want to live with someone at least 5 years before I marry them" Well surprise surprise, he dumps me right at 5 years. My first bf said that crap to me too. Years later, he married some girl after a year of dating. They say that to string you along. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 Oh my oh my oh my. I was getting on the bus to go to my driving lesson and I heard my name just as the doors closed I saw him, he had run from the other side of the street because he saw me. The bus started moving and I saw his face he looked quite upset. We talked on the phone and I said I was sorry I didn't see him or hear until I was on the bus... he said he misses me and I said well this is what you wanted. He said "I don't know" 30 mins later I got a text saying he admits everytime he is around the area (where I live and he works) he looks out for me. I sent a text back saying "I didn't want any of this, but you made your decision and I respect it and wish you happiness. Hope things are going well at work" The truth is I wanted to jump off that bus and give him a kiss and a hug Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Luckily you didn't. Leave it be. You're doing fine. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I think you need to stop talking to him. That did not help you. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 We hadn't talked in 2 months... but yeah I'm letting it be now, back to thinking about me... Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 New day, new struggle. I'll keep pushing through even though I miss him even more after seeing him yesterday... Link to comment
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