Excruciating pain

[RubyWoo]

I might try that approach Klokwurk, anything that works is fine for me!

 

I'm having one of the worst nights so far... I sooo want to call him, tell him to come home and hold me and say everything will be okay. I miss my dad so much and I'm sitting here one in the living room I used to share with my boyfriend... just a year ago my dad took us to buy our new TV and then came here to watch it together... today I'm bawling my eyes out alone and none of them are here.

 

I don't know how to deal with all this pain.

[Klokwurk]

I just had a pretty good day. I am doing acupuncture, and it seems to be helping.

 

But now that I am feeling good, the urge to call or send a note is very very great. I think part of me is trying to trick another part of me saying, "you are fine now! You are over her so it is ok to send a note! You want to tell her all these great things!" but I am refusing... So I will write them here.

 

I wrote them down and it kind of made me sick, so I deleted them. I love her so much still... I wish I could talk to her and call her cutie and tell her I miss her and want to hold her... She would look in my eyes and search them, God, she would search my eyes and I hers, life was so great then.

 

But she slept with two guys right after break up and started seeing one even though she knew she was leaving in a month... Just for sex, she told me. WOW GREAT!!! That made me feel so much better!!! Ergh...

 

Still... I could forgive everything... Everything... Love is so dumb.

[chitown9]

Ruby, have you looked into a bereaved support group? Maybe that would help you..

[RubyWoo]

I'm not having a very good day either... I really miss him and really want to text and beg him to come back (I won't though) Is it really possible to just stop loving someone and not care about them anymore at all? Has he really forgotten about me so quickly after waking up next to me every morning for 5 years? I miss his hand on my waist while I sleep, his smell, his voice... I'm a mess.

[RubyWoo]

Absolutely horrible day today. I want to cry, scream, beg him to come back, I just want him home. I'm falling apart, I don't think I'll ever get over him. It's US, how can he be so happy without me?

[Alison245]

Hay there Rubywoo,

 

keep hanging on in there - remember that any screaming crying begging is futile and will only serve to make yourself feel worse a short while later when he fails to respond and you feel like you have stooped below the obvious dignity and grace you clearly have.

 

Have you kept busy and kept people around you ? I cannot even start to imagine how this must be for you - especially as you have lost the two men who love you, you must feel completely cracked open. I know im finding it a bit harder lately as the general mass panic to look after me/text/call/send post/sleepover/emergency glass of wine with friends is understandably fading and leaves me shuddering that this is now the time I should just 'get on with it' whereas its no exageration that every thought is consumed by him -us -the loss - my future and it makes me burn in my skin at how people can just up and leave. I can put my face on - even have the odd laugh and brush off that 'yeah im doing ok' but some days I have to run the last bit to my house and burst into tears as its all just bottling up and splilling out.

 

The bad days make you want them to comfort and chat with you whilst they good days make you want them to share it with.....bahhhhh!

[RubyWoo]

I know it wouldn't solve anything... but I can't shake off this sadness and hopeless feeling. I'll just wrap my head around the fact that I'm always going to be * * * * ed up from this experience and I'll end up alone while he's already probably screwing that blonde with blue eyes. I'm not going to take my own life, but I wouldn't really mind if I didn't wake up tomorrow.

[SorrowandPain]

Hang in there Ruby. At least we're suffering together

[mmhardky]

I'm suffering with you guys. I'm totally * * * * ed up, I really want to break NC and call her. Ruby, I have the same stuff in my head - how can this be, after five years? (it was exactly 5 years and 7 days in my case). I want to call her everyday, I have dreams with her everyday, I always think about what I had for plans, how I wanted to spend my life with her. Also, she just told me - I don't have feelings for you anymore -, she never told me - I want to break up. She wanted me to say it. So I just said, I really tried, I really love you, call me if you ever feel it might come back. So I still didn't hear a definitive NO from her. That makes it even harder, I always have to think if I should call her and ask her how she sees it now...

[RubyWoo]

It sucks soooooooo bad. Friday night again. Alone again. I wish I had some words for you guys because I know you are suffering too... but I really don't know what to say. I keep pushing to be happy but I don't think I'll ever be happy again after losing my dad and my love.

 

My derby team is helping me sooo much, I have seen them every day of the week but Thursday,they even came to keep me company while getting my tattoo done today and I'm so thankful I've met this amazing girls and I'm creating a friendship with them. But still,when I get home...

[Alison245]

Friday nights suck BIG TIME! just trying to think of it as healing time....hope your doing ok chick - hows he tattoo looking? You should feel proud to have done it without HIM

[RubyWoo]

It's looking great! Can't wait till it's healed and I can show it off! I think I will have an early night... Can't stand the thought of him out with other women and me here sooo sad How are you doing?

[SorrowandPain]

Go out with your friends! Don't stay home alone. You're a sexy gal who'll turn heads.

[Alison245]

SorrowandPain has a point but i know for myself going out and getting chatted up makes me feel a bit anxious and nervy at the moment - kinda made me mess up and contact my ex so its a tough one

 

For all my advice on keeping busy at the weekend Ive had abit of a yawnsome one but have turned it into stuffing all the old gifts and some old clothes onto ebay to make money to pay for my airfare to Oz....eek!

 

I know how you feel about selfesteem issues - i was always someone who felt very comfy in their own skin and can appreciate that whilst this is a time of change and I wont always feel like this - the old abandonment issue flares up into making me - wrongly i know - feel like it was something I did, or how I look or how I was in he relationship ...... rational brain kicks in and tells me to stop being so pathetic but it's there, niggling away. Might just go take it out on Topshop and start going to a kickboxing class to vent....

[RubyWoo]

Ebay to make some money sounds like a good idea!

 

Tomorrow is a tough day, kinda like St Valentine's in the area where I live (I'm in Spain) and boyfriends give their girlfriends gifts and traditional sweets... no one will be giving me anything I'm really depressed lately.

[Alison245]

In that case - go out and buy yourself something really nice - like some perfume or a nice dress and whenever you wear it you can remind yourself that you are strong, beautiful and dont depend on anyone to buy you nice things just an idea..... Im sure it will be tough as I find myself scowling at couples lately! Dreading the idea of Valentines day!

[RubyWoo]

I think all holidays are going to suck this year.

 

I'm absolutely dreading the idea of Christmas... the last four Christmas we set up the tree together, woke up early in the morning to open the presents we had bought for each other, then went to my parents house for lunch... this year I'll wake up alone, I'll go to my parents and my dad won't be there. I don't think I'll make it.

 

Soooo upset that he hasn't texted or said anything in two weeks. I guess he's really moved on. After 5 years, after telling me I'm an amazing woman and he'll never love anyone the way he's loved me. GONE.

[SorrowandPain]

Losing the companionship really hurts but you'll make it. You have done great so far.

[RubyWoo]

I had been doing great maybe because in my heart I had the faint hope that he would be back. But as every day passes it seems clear that he's better off without me, and my self esteem reaches a new low.

 

Five weeks yesterday since I last saw him, and I guess I should really accept this is it. After so long, he would rather not have me in his life than be with me. He would rather share, sleep with and even marry someone else.

 

Devastating. Feeling worse each day.

[SorrowandPain]

Ruby,

 

Like I've told you before, you can't let his abandonment define your self-esteem. There are so many reasons why he could have left you which have nothing to do with any personal "deficiences" that you erroneously believe you have.

 

It's a painful journey that we're both experiencing together but we also have the support and wisdom of this board. Besides, I'm here for you

[cherylca]

Hi Ruby. I know this may sound harsh but if he loved u don't u think he should be by your side supporting u with the death of your father. He should be banging on your door and telling youhe loves u not sending u texts. When my dad died i was as week as a kitten and wanted those who loved me and knew me best around me and i know that u think he is one of those and long for him to be there but the truth is he isn't or he would be. It sounds to me that as soon as u became depressed he wanted out. He probably just wants u 2 be fun all the time. Well lifes not like that and a partner should be there through the fun times and the bad times. You deserve so much better. You sound like a really nice lady and if that is your real photo believe me he is such a fool!!. U only have one life don't waste it on this selfish piece of s**t . Good luck xx

[RubyWoo]

I know, but I can't help feeling that way. My head just keeps going round in circles "why, why doesn't he want to be with me, why???"

 

I was loving,I told him every day, we had fun together, the sex was amazing, we travelled, I always encouraged him to find his passion and pursue it, I bought him surprise presents I knew he would like, left a note on the desk every morning so he would read it when waking up. On his long work days I would prepare his favourite dinner so it would be ready when he came home to make him smile.

 

I thought I was a good girlfriend and he says he loves me, so what happened? Did he fall for someone else? And it that's the case, it's obviously because she is better than me...

 

I know you are right Cherylca, when I need him the most he isn't here, he's having his single fun. I go to bed every night missing my dad and missing him, and I'm starting to feel sooo sad.

 

I'm at work and feeling sooooooo tired I just want to go to bed

[cherylca]

I know u feel ur heart has been ripped out of ur chest and there are pieces missing from ur life and it feels strange and lonely and sometimes as if its not real but it is real and the reality is u done nothing wrong in this relationship. U are a nice person and treat him well. The thing is he isn't your match. U need someone who says "i love u" and not only shows it with words but with actions 2. U are grieving for two people here but try to channel the grief for the person who deserves it your father. I think the only reason u still feel like u want 2 be with this man is because u are emotionally drained from depression and the death of ur father because if u were the strong girl u were b4 all this u would probably never 4 give him 4 leaving u at this sad time. U need to build ur strength back up do not let ur life stop 4 this man as he sure as hell is not letting his life stop 4 u. Let him have his single fun if thats what he wants. Let him go. Hes not worth ur energy. There are millions of men out there who u would connect with just the same if not better and who will treat u with the respect u deserve and as 4 sex. You are out the bed more than u are in it in a relationship. Chin up Ruby xx

[Klokwurk]

Oh God. I had three dreams of me and my ex getting back together this morning. It was awesome. I hugged her in the car, she hugged me in my bed, she said she was sorry and it is going to be fine. She smiled at me.

 

Something inside of me broke this morning. I felt like she was with me, even though she is 3000 miles away... I felt good, like I used to feel on Sunday mornings with her. But I knew she wasn't ever going to come back to me. My hope is not broken... I just didn't care anymore. I cried today. A lot. But I care a lot less... About everything related to this.

 

Sigh...

[RubyWoo]

I know, his actions aren't showing that "he will always love me" as he says. If he did, he would want to see my face every morning when he wakes up, wouldn't he? It's just so hard to wrap my head around the fact that all that intense love, passion, trust... is gone. Or maybe was never real. Or he is having it with someone else right now.

 

Klokwurk, I'm hating dreaming lately, I just keep getting nightmares... And when I have nice dreams of him I wakeup and he's not there and it's even worse. I wish we could turn off our brains. It's good to know you care less though... I hope one day I get to the point where I don't care AT ALL.