Alison245 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Rubywoo - you are so right about routine and weekends being so tough - i hope you are doing ok and sounds as though you are keeping busy as best you can. I get upset at weekends so found (only been a month for me too) so i have learnt to preplan weekends so Im busy and surrounded by people - i stop at theirs and keep busy which is honestly a life saver. Had my first night out last night and found that quie traumatic (just thinking of how we would sneak off home and revel in the fact that we had each other whilst lots of our mates spent their nights desperatly trying to 'pull') but like you I am having very little contact. You should be so incredibly proud of your self control and dignity in not initiating contact as I can imagine the urge is ridiculous to contact him back immediately when he messages you. If it makes you feel any better about the whole sleep thing - as a 26 yr old grown woman - i have been having to sleep in my sisters bed - with my sis -as i cannot face the small single bed in the box room. She also was dumped in the same week so we are both struggling with picking ourselves up off the floor . We have to spend most nights falling asleep to the telly on with re runs of sex and the city! so hard to drown out your own mind sometimes..... Just a thought - wev both found going to the cinema really really good as (unless is a sad love film) its just great to get completely immersed in something even if just a few hours...also wev booked to get out to do some travelling over xmas maybe to australia as a bid to gain something positive out of something negative. Is helping me reassure myself that I AM strong and AM able to pick myself up, dust myself down and keep moving forwards. Its no comfort to hear 'there will be others ' 'youll find someone better' and i dont think this is the right way to feel as i feel its important to know tha you can stand alone and not need anyone - more when the situation is right, there is someone in your life that you want to spend time with- whoever that may be Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Yea, I agree Friday nights are the worst. It was that awesome moment of anticipation before you spend your weekend with the one you love. Now Friday nights are just lame, forcing you to think about all those people going out doing regular Friday night things, having fun, enjoying life. I guess I don't know how to be single quite right yet... Don't give up! Change happens veeerrrryyyyy sllloooooowwwwlllyyyyyy.... Link to comment
Alison245 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Klokwurk - your posts have helped me too ! like the male version of me!! I've been running so so much lately - angry ipod on pound the streets type running just because I feel that even if my mind feels 'weak' at the moment and like I dont know myself - at least my body can be strong and the adrenaline pumping daily is making me fidgity and nauseaus so helps burn all that nasty stuff away. Also been chugging the omega oils as its supposed to be good for the mood too ....funny how we all find ways of coping.... is strong to admit that drink isnt the best thing right now for you, its a risk im not prepared to take yet as im pretty sure I will wind up sobbing into my phone to my ex in some dingy corner of a bar so am preventing this from occurring by avoiding drink! To be in the 'single' category after 8 years of a loving relationship feels like being kicked in the chest whenever I hear myself referred to as 'single'.....something I had never appreciated until now. Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Alison245 I am glad my posts helped you. Your posts too make me feel less alone. I think i am at the stage where i need to start doing more things that I really like doing - as soon as I can remember what they are. I really sort of lost myself in this relationship, all my hobbies were not compatible with my ex so I gave them up when I realized she could not be a part of them. This was a big mistake on my part. I feel so empty these days... Slowly I am forgetting what she looked like. I remember too how wonderful it was to sneak off in the middle of a party and revel in our private bliss. Gosh, you hit it right on the head. And I agree with you that it is no consolation to hear/think about "there will be others." What do we care as dumpees? We only want ONE! Sometimes when I am really sad I tell myself that what I loved was not restricted to the body, form, spirit of another, it was deep inside me, right from the start. Our capacity to love is amazing, and when we feel pain like we do now, it is sort of testament to the depth of our own souls. I am just happy to talk to people that feel sort of what I am feeling. The pain wanes a little bit when communicating here... One day, can you imagine it, we will go a WHOLE day and not think about them. How liberating will that be?! To be able to breath in deeply, smile, turn your face to the sun and just love being alive with yourself, the first person you will always love and will never leave you. I look forward to this day, and I hope it comes sooner rather than later. I hope you are doing ok, and Rubywoo, too. Sundays can suck almost as bad as Friday nights... Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 You are right, Sundays are also horrible. I woke up about an hour ago and the tears are just flowing down my face today. I feel so sad and soooo depressed. This apartment suddenly feels the size of a mansion. I have lost my dad and my boyfriend in the last few weeks, to different circumstances but in any case I don't have any of them to comfort me right now. I never thought any of this could happen to me, and I don't know how to just move on. I'm trying my hardest but at the end of the day I just want us back... Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I am so sorry, Rubywoo. I know it sucks, I know it sucks. I feel so sorry for you, you have it worse than anyone I know. Things will get better, they will... I am still not sure about this myself but when you have nothing to hold on to, what else can you do? You are not alone! I know you just want them back... They aren't coming back... All we can do is cry and move forward. I can't help with the loss of your father, but with the loss of your significant other, I woke up this morning and used my anger to push her out of my mind. Push him out! He doesn't deserve to be there! I hate thinking about how naive and comfortable I was with my girlfriend. I thought she would never leave me. I wish I had prepared myself for this. Everything has turned upside down. We will get better... We must. Keep trying. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Thanks Klokwurk, I'm trying really hard to push him out of my mind, forget he even exists... I guess the thing is all my sadness from the past months is starting to catch up with me. How long has it been since your BU? Do you feel better now? Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 It has been almost 3 months now. I am giving up more and more hope that we will get back together... Though I still have this feeling... For some reason it just won't die, this memory I have of her running down the airport pushing her trolley with all her bags, seeing her on the video monitor running to me, so happy... God, I am so * * * * ed up. I am not better, I am really only in the first month of actual grieving. While she was stringing me along I really thought we still had a chance. But in some ways I am better... I can sleep these days. I can eat. I ran this week. My thoughts are scattered but sometimes for a 15 minutes or so I can push her out of my mind completely. That is some progress I guess. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 I know exactly what you're talking about, I have "the feeling" too... I try not to have hope but part of me is still wishing I'll wake up one day and see him next to me again. But then my pride pops up going "what type of woman are you if you take him back? Fallback girl!!!" and I don't want to be that, I want someone who can't even fathom not having me in his life. I'm in a really dark place right now and I don't think it's getting better anytime soon. Woke up today feeling like I'm stuck in a nightmare... I have to go teach for 10 hours and I really don't have the energy, I need a week in bed or something! Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Stay strong ruby! You've been amazing so far. Just know that it doesn't help to lay in bed and not going to work will only mess up other aspects of your life. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 Thanks Sorrow, I'm doing what I can but it's getting harder. Today I'm really angry that someone who supposedly "loves me" would hurt me so much, saying "you are the woman who changed my life" and all that bull * * * * but still needing to go sow his wild oats and live the single life while I'm going through so much pain after losing my dad to brain cancer. I was going through the hardest time in my life seeing my father lose all ability to move or speak, and he was worried about being social and making (girl)friends. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 So, in order to ease your pain a bit --- in that he isn't worth the house room you are giving him, look at that sentence again. He is more worried about being social and making girfriends than being there to support you in this difficult time. Obviously, not a man you can count on. Good to know that now, so you can move on. Link to comment
KronicMan Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 ruby i know you are hurting right now, try to realize that jerk doesnt love you Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 I know, I just dont understand what happened. He was so nice, so into me, so in love... then when I needed him more than ever he "felt trapped and needed space to get his * * * * together" (verbatim) and wanted to go out more and more... Link to comment
KronicMan Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 even if he stuck it out to when you were finally done hurting, and then he left...im sure you would resent him for pretending to be there in the first place. im sure you will be very strong once this wave passes.... dont look back Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 You can't look to what he was before the crisis -- you have to look at how his actions now define the person that he truly is. And that isn't someone you can build a future with. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 I know... while being on and off we were together for 3 days and I said "if you are going to leave me when my dad dies, just leave me now". Surprise surprise, 2 days later he said he couldn't do it, he needed space and he realised I was trying harder than he was. He is drinking more, smoking more, and (I think, 95% sure of it) sleeping with other girls. I miss the man he was, the man he showed me he could be. The one who wanted to spend his life with me and said I was an amazing woman. I definitely don't miss the man he is being now, who when faced with the option of staying with me or losing me would rather lose me. (Or live in separate apartments as he suggested and I said no * * * * ing way I'd rather not see you AT ALL than share you. I don't do half arsed relationships) Link to comment
Airbag Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 [...] getting a tattoo next Friday, [...] What kind of tattoo if I may ask? Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 My dad used to handcraft little wooden guitars to turn into keyrings, pins, etc. as a hobby. He made a bigger one about 10 cm long and put it on a tiny stand he made himself on top of his stereo system which he adored. He absolutely loved music, when he was at hospital and lost his ability to speak we bought him a cd player and I remember he started crying after hearing music for the first time after the first brain surgery. So I decided to get that guitar tattooed, surrounded by 4 hibiscus flowers representing my mum, my dad, my brother and me It's my third tattoo! Link to comment
mmhardky Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Hello. My girlfriend of 5 years left me 2 weeks ago. I can totally relate to everything that was said in this thread. RubyWoo (and others), I wish you all the best, stay strong. It's nice that a forum like this exists. Funny how we all feel almost the same pain and have the same patterns of temporary madness in our heads, even though we are different people with a different story. I will write my story down tomorrow. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 So sorry you are going through this Mmhardky. It is so heartbreaking that sometimes I wonder whether the good moments are really worth the pain and sadness I feel right now. Maybe it would have been better to never have met anyone. Today has been * * * * , woke up so sad then felt angry and now I'm back to sad. I feel such emptiness, coldness... I can't even describe it. I was on the bus on my way to derby practice and tears were just rolling down my face. I feel like curling up in a corner and dying. Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Ok, this feels kinda big. I got off work today, and it was raining. I was listening to the Blade Runner soundtrack. While in traffic, I started sobbing quietly to myself, like, really wimpy whimpering. Then I remembered the last thing my ex told me on the phone, "I don't want you in my life at all, don't want to talk to you unless it is about the [some business we still need to resolve.]" I said, "whatever." and I hung up. Thinking about that in the car, I suddenly felt really good. I started liking myself a little more because I had put up with someone who was so mean to me for so long... Actually that doesn't sound that good now. But I felt better because I am giving her exactly what she asked for - that is, complete no contact. In a way, I am loving her by respecting her wishes. And I do love her, so I am not going to stop no contact unless she sends me an email or text or voicemail saying something nice. And I know one day she is going to send something nice. I know she misses me. There is no way she can't. I was way too goddamn nice to her. So! Where does that leave us? I am still kinda pathetic... But at least I have resolved not to break no contact because today at work I almost broke down and texted her in the bathroom, instead crying my brains out. And it sucked because right after the big boss came into the office and looked at my red eyes and probably thout I was high or something, ugh. So... Our exes have told us what they want - that is, NOT US. So let us give them that. We were awesome in the relationship, WE DID NOTHING WRONG, but neither did they. They are just doing what they think is right, whether right or wrong in the long run. And in the meantime, we can remember back to when were nerdy teenagers who got excited over dumb stuff and never even thought we could ever get a hot girlfriend because we were so nerdy and ugly. (ok this is my personal story, but you have your own "relationships aren't even on my radar" period of your life.) And we were cool and fine just the way we are! Just the way you are! We all probably told our exes we love them just the way they are! Well, love YOURSELF just the way you are! Because I am an awesome person. And so are you. Hope my ramblings had something in them... See you guys later. Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Holy * * * * Rubywoo I just read your last post. !!!BODY SLAM HUG!!! Don't worry, things CAN get better, I just had a very mellow, sob-filled car ride home, but it didn't hurt like it hurt so much before. So things DO get better. If it happened to me, it can happen to you! I hope I keep feeling this way. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 Thanks Klokwurk! What you wrote makes a lot of sense, I too think the same sometimes... "He has decided he's better off without me? Well so be it!" It's just hard to understand why he feels that he'd rather a life without me in it and at the same time keeps saying "you are the most amazing woman I've ever met". Everyday I think more and more that he's left me for someone else, and it really stings. I'm finding lots of comfort in my derby team, I joined a couple months ago and we are so busy training, getting our paperwork to establish the club and get into competitions and stuff... We see each other about 5 times a week and it's the one thing that's keeping me going. But even then sometimes I wish I could come home and tell him I did this or that, and I can't So glad you're feeling better today, I hope everyone on here finds peace of mind and a person who truly truly loves them! Link to comment
Klokwurk Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Cool, derby! Knocking down people must be fun! Keep it up, remember, push him out of your mind, fight it, fight it, fight it! Who cares who he's with? When I was really down about my ex hooking up with that dude so soon after we split, I would pretend she was hit by a bus and no one had bothered to tell me. Yea, I know that is effed up maybe, but hey, this isnt about them anymore. All's fair in love and war? Ugh, mad world. Link to comment
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