Excruciating pain

[harvej]

Ruby, your in a form of NC,and it works to get them back. BUT, with that said, he should have married you during that 5 years together if he was anything remotely close to becoming a life partner. Now its all about HIM. He is a narcassist.

You need to go NC and stick to it, and move on. Your self esteem will return in due time, but this NC tiem is to heal, get your mojo back and work on yoru body and soul. Dump him for good and you will feel fantastic in a weeks time.

My story was about a girl who turned out to be a sociopath that lacked empathy, and bailed on me when I got sick. She even showed no empathy when I was helping with my fathers cancer. Never remembered a single birthday of mine etc..

You cannot give up your life to rescue these types. Although he did say he stuck around due to your fathers cancer, he still didnt love you enough to stick around for you. You WILl fin love and it WONt be as hard next time, but you MUST, move on from him as he like my ex, is a parasite looking for a host. As long as you are carbon based and have blood, these types will drain you and move on. PS: he wants another flat so he can be independent and try to have booty calls in between his flings. When you accidently was out of reach of your phone, he became manipulating with the "i love you " text. That is a narcassistic strategy, not a true feeling. Move on, Godspeed!

[diamond78]

See, these types of texts would annoy me greatly and I would call him out saying something like "What do you gain from continuing to text me and telling me you love me, etc, etc while you are sitting there with a new woman and have no interest in reconciling with me? What is your purpose here because I DO NOT GET IT!"

 

But that's me....I am a very direct person and I don't like people to play games with my emotions which is what he is doing.

[mhowe]

Because to do that is to give him what he wants --- an emotional response. He is doing it to jerk her chain --- not to make her feel better in any way. He doesn't gain anything but knowing she will still respond to him. And that it enough to stroke his ego.

 

So -- DONT RESPOND.

[diamond78]

To me he is just basically harasssing her at this point and if it were me, I would want it to stop and do what is needed to make it stop.

 

This guy is emotionally manipulative to the max.

[RubyWoo]

Thanks for your insight guys. I'm torn between not writing back (I find it so so hard because I am NOT the type of person who can just ignore someone) or just saying something like "My phone was playing up. I don't hate you and I wish you happiness. I need to heal and focus on myself now"

 

I have loved this man with every inch of my being, I have loved him like crazy and for the first couple years I was the happiest person in the world. Such passion, such intense absolute love. We are great together, think very alike, have the same silly sense of humour, the sex was amazing.

 

I keep thinking about that connection and feel such sadness that it all has come to this.

 

I don't think we could ever be together again. Yet I can't seem to grasp the idea of not having him in my life somehow (I have not and won't initiate contact though!)

[ironman73]

Ruby woo-

I thought that I would have gotten back with my ex. I just posted a long post about my love goggles. There is no way I would get back together with him now. I am rather disgusted with him. I found out, after he assured me that it was not 'me, but him- and he needed to work on improving himself- and being around me made him feel inadequate and crappy' that he started dating someone. And told me that this someone wasn't as intelligent, fun, interesting, special or beautiful as me, but she had no kids and that was what counted. And he said that 'all I am looking for is for someone to lie down next to me'. I don't recognise him anymore. And I certainly would not want to be with that kind of person. And he is cheap too. Which I hate.

[RubyWoo]

Thanks Ironman, I read your post and I'm so happy you're feeling so much better! I'm still stuck, but I keep pushing through.

 

I replied to his text in the end, I said:

 

"My phone is playing up and turns off. I don't hate you and I want you to be happy. I am just focusing on myself and healing from everything"

 

Of course, no reply.

[ironman73]

Ruby- do you think that you have love goggles which need to come off too?

[RubyWoo]

Maybe I do... I guess I'm still hooked on the man I met, who loved me sooo much and the amazing relationship we had.

[ironman73]

Ruby-

Is there anything negative about your relationship? I mean, there must be some things that you didn't like about him. Make a list. Look at it over and over. Helped for me.

[KronicMan]

ruby you know he is with another girl, either with her with her or sleeping with her. you should be like 'enjoy your new girl, leave me alone' your giving him the best of both worlds, he didnt reply to your text when you say youre healing...so he knows your not over him....its hard to move on but just do it!

[diamond78]

I do agree that your reply was probably way too "nice". If he continues to contact you with all these emotional liners, I would really be firm and do some serious NC.

 

I really think he wants you to relieve his guilt and to also come running after them....selfishness on his part.

[RubyWoo]

I'm not going to chase him at all, if anyone should be going after me and ,chasing for forgiveness and begging for me to take him back is him!! I guess you guys are right he's just trying to relieve his guilt.

 

Obviously after us being together for so long he must have some sort of conscience and care about me and he knows he destroyed my heart by saying he dated and slept with another girl (not sure whether he is still seeing/sleeping with her, but I guess why not, since "we are apart" as he said)

 

I should be strong and just not reply anymore. I think I made my point. I don't hate him, but I didn't call back because I have no particular interest in talking to him on the phone. I'm way too hurt and nothing he can say will fix the fact he made love with someone else.

 

He knew that would be a deal breaker for me on getting back together and did it anyways.

[RubyWoo]

I just frigging ran into him AGAIN! One would think after he has done what he has done he would apologise and try to be nice... but every single time he starts blaming me, saying I treated him like * * * * and I was jealous and blah blah... and gets mad and yells at me!!

 

He admitted to a couple lies too, when he "asked for space" back in June he said he was moving with some friends of a friend... LIE! He moved in with a bartender and her brother. Also he admitted to having spent a night talking in the balcony with some girl he had met, she had broken up with her boyfriend and they were talking about "how hard it is to live with a partner who is so jealous"

That night he came home at 8 am and said he had been with his friends.

 

Seriously, soooooooo mad right now.

[mhowe]

I cannot conceive, given everything that you have written about him, that he is capable of a sincere apology or being nice! Your expectations of him, even in break up, are way off. Ignore him. Totally ignore him.

[RubyWoo]

I know Mhowe, he really is showing me he isn't who I thought he was. I thought I had a strong man with character, who wouldn't jump into someone's bed because he "felt alone and scared" I thought I had a man who would protect me when I needed him, not one that wouldn't be there through the darkest time in my life.

 

My dad passed away August 25th. And I've been finding my inner strength having to deal with this ALONE.

 

Got another text:

 

"I wanted to say sorry for getting short tempered. I'm so fed up with life and what has happened, I get so angry at myself and you for letting it get so bad. We were perfect. You are better than me and have acted better in all this but think about it, you didn't help. Don't you remember what your mum said about the Eva thing. If you keep acusing your partner of bad things..."

The text cut off there. Eva was a student of his who I wasn't very happy about when they would do stuff together and never bring me, or invite her to our house so I could meet her and he could draw the line between teacher-student by introducing her to me.

 

That was almost 2 years ago.

 

I sent my one and final text. I'm going strict NC from here.

 

"I dont want to talk about any of this anymore. I'm hurt and in pain. I want peace. I have a good heart and from it I wish you all the best. I hope you find peace too"

NC NC NC. FOREVER.

[mhowe]

Good. Don't look back. He is still trying to lay this at your feet.

 

Complete and utter NC.

[RubyWoo]

I hope I can stick to it.

 

Every time I just get more and more hurt. Now finding out two lies from back in June. When I think I can't hurt any more, somehow I get hurt again.

 

I feel a mix of anger, sadness and frustration right now. Why do I have to get blamed for this? I get dumped, replaced and blamed?

[diamond78]

What a jerk! How can he say things like 'we were perfect, you were better than me and acter better than me in all this" and then turn around and say "you didn't help"??? Talk about a contradictory statement!

 

And he develops an inappropriate relationship with a female student and wonders why you were concerned and jealous?? He is way too consumed about himself. Noticed how all his messages are about him, him, him and never about how you're doing when you were the one who was left behind.

 

I'm glad you finally told him to zip it!

 

Hold on strong...I know you can do it!

[Klokwurk]

Hey woo.

 

I logged back on this site for the first time in a while because I randomly remembered you and your story, and wanted to check in. The way you are riding this wave of depression is tragic, yes, but the way you feel, the way you described your suffering hit the nail right on the head when I was in my darkest moments. You helped me out greatly. Thank you.

 

This might be the hardest thing you've done in your life, but you will pull through, you will... And when you come out of this, you will be so much stronger - even MORE beautiful than before, because YOU survived this, and with all that suffering comes the grace of experience, made all the more awesome by your obvious sensitivity.

 

 

I logged back on this site for the first time in a while just because I randomly thought of you and your story. I know it's not that big a deal, but consider this: some random ass person on the Internet, and many more here I am sure, care enough about you to keep up with you and your story... We have hope and love for you, so please PLEASE stop replying/contacting this * * * * er. Your misguided perseverance and empathy is so pathetically beautiful, but it will not pull you out of hell. You gotta turn your back on it, yes, FOREVER.

 

MUCH peace and love.

[loveis]

Hey wooie,

 

Love I feel for you.... Your going through a lot. But theses are the times that if you choose to You can grow, get your strength back. Work on yourself , find the love in you that you have for you. We don't need people to fill those voids for us. And if we are being needy we just push people away. I know, I did....This could be a time you look back on and see great growth, love of self and maturity. If you truly go inward your outer world will change with that. You seem pretty clear about your boundaries with him. So if he knows too, and it's not what he wants then let him do what he needs to do. He does love you. But he's trying to find his own happiness. If you do the same perhaps you could have a better elationship with himin time....or a better one with another. I'm writing this for you but for me also. Love this site such a blessing!

[RubyWoo]

Thanks so much Klokwurk (I hope you're doing well and keep moving on!!) and Loveis!!

 

I think when I get gloomy and upset, I have to remember all the lies.

 

When he asked for space back in June and he said he was staying with a couple who were friends of a friend, for instance. Turns out he was living with a bartender from some club. He not only lied but elaborated his lie, told me these couples "names" and that they had studied Fine Arts and he did some drawings, and worked nights... Whaaaaaaat?

 

A white lie so I wouldn't get upset is one thing. Elaborating a whole set of fictional characters to cover your ass is very different.

 

I love this man, I thought he would never hurt me. But in the last 6 months he's turned out to be someone I don't even know, someone who would rather stay up all night in some woman's balcony till 8 am criticising me (and then said he was partying with friends) instead of holding me while my father was in his death bed.

 

My father would not allow this and would not want this for me. He would want someone who takes care of me because unfortunately he can't anymore. And for him I'm going to stay strong and find the MAN I deserve.

[ironman73]

Ruby- You and I are going to be NC buddies now.

Every time you want to write to him or you are upset or depressed, write to me. You can send me a personal notification. And I will write to you when I am the same. You can tell me all of the things you wanted to say and I will listen to you That way you can peacefully vent

[RubyWoo]

Deal Ironman! We can help each other stay strong!!

 

I woke up today and started cleaning the house, getting rid of stuff, redecorating "our" bedroom.

 

I thought about moving to a different flat since there are so many memories here and this apartment is way too big for just me, but what the hell it's my home and I love it and I'm keeping it!

 

I changed the bed around, moved some furniture, hung new pictures and I'm going to do some home shopping now, lots of cushions and some new candles and stuff to make it more girly.

 

Hopefully it will make me feel better.

[KronicMan]

ruby it sounds like you are starting to change your way of thinking. good job. maybe those lies you heard was what you needed unfortunately. it sucks you run into him alot, if you do give the cold shoulder or something similar to that effect.