How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many

[askltk]

You hope? How about you don't, and you remind yourself why constantly. Start thinking about all of the times you wanted to break up with her and how you felt. You really need to stop going through her facebook. The sooner you stop, the sooner you'll start worrying about yourself. Seriously dude, it's like stalkerish. It's over, it doesn't matter what she does anymore. Look at it that way. Of course she's doing it to get away from the pain of the break up. However, that doesn't mean that you need to resort to spying on her or even wonder about what she's doing. You need to start worrying about yourself and get back on your feet again.

 

Seriously wise words there. Sooner we face up to the fact its over - the easier it gets.

 

I was guilty of the stalker'ish side too in the beginning, but have now realised FB really knocks progress of healing. Personally, I'm off it for now. Regardless of who your ex is talking too - it just opens yourself up to over analyse of pointless information (status comments / tags / wall post's from guys).

[SorrowandPain]

Endy's words are 100% on point and I would love to be able to stop snooping but it's so tough. I guess I still can't let go. Hopefully I'll be able to let go soon.

[endy]

You can't means you don't want to. Delete your facebook account. Delete her facebook account, I don't care right now. You're slapping your healing in the face with a damn trout right now. You have her on a pedestal. Why worry about what SHE is doing? SHE wasn't good for you and you know it. You're holding on to something that you want because SHE broke up with you. Would you have been this way if you ended it? Probably not, so realize that you DID end it a long time ago. This relationship was over well before she left. Now just accept it, replace her on the pedestal with YOU. That means stop going on her FB page.

 

Trust me a lot of people do this, but what you don't know won't hurt you either. It just doesn't matter what she's doing anymore because she is NOT healthy. She is NOT good for you.

[SorrowandPain]

Endy,

 

I appreciate your advice so much. I just wish it didn't fall on deaf ears. Any advice on how to stop my compulsion to keep checking? I have to do it on my own accord and not mess with her passwords or facebook or whatever. I don't want to risk her contacting me and then I'll be forced to reply which will break NC.

 

Logically, I know she's completely wrong for me and I will be very unhappy if we ended up in a marriage but all I can think about is the bond we had and how she would always want to cuddle and hold me. Looking at her facebook doesn't help either. I end up going through hundreds of scenarios of what is happening to her and it all comes back to her coming back to me. I am not down and out anymore like I was last week but I certainly haven't gotten over her or wanted to let her go.

 

Just for clarification, what do you mean by "a lot of people do this"?

[endy]

A lot of people are stalkerish like that. Look I had access to my ex's phone records and other things. It's actually how I caught her lying to me the second time and why I was forced to let her go. What I did was just tell myself it doesn't matter anymore she's with someone else. It's over. That's the whole point of it. I set a goal not to do it. I just said to myself after a week, I'm not doing this anymore I need to shut the door. The door wasn't shut for a long time after that, but me checking her phone records was. Then it slowly started to creep shut. What you are doing is sending out a negative vibe and longing for her back. As long as you do that she's not going to come back, even for the wrong reasons.

 

It's normal to do what you're doing, but it's not going to help you to keep checking them. Live your life now, and she's not in it. Don't include her in it. You're going to be much better off without her bud. It just takes time. As a man you need to be strong. What you are giving off not only to her, but other women and the universe is that you're weak right now. You need to just move on and work through your feelings. You checking her account is going to cause MORE pain and MORE bad feelings. Then your mind is going to wander.

 

You don't need answers anymore. The answer is SHE isn't healthy. SHE wasn't good for you. Now worry about you and what you can fix. It's normal to remember the good memories right now as well. But look at it this way. What happens when you think about holding her again? You get happy right? SHE isn't there anymore and it makes you happy. That happiness is coming from inside you, it's not caused by her. Man up now. Stop letting this control your life and get back on your own two feet. It's going to take time, it's going to be hard, but work through your feelings. It's worth it. Your NC doesn't start until you stop looking at her FB. You break it every time you check it. Make it a goal to go 90 days NC. By then you'll want to do more.

[askltk]

Was one of those "a lot of people" - and the only way you get over that hurdle is by your own determination to let go and move on. Seriously, it seems daft, but to quote Endy - "what you don't know won't hurt you". You can imagine a number of things you Ex is doing, but having FB to twist your mind into overdrive just makes it worse.

 

I've done it - I've seen guys comment, her posing for pictures with guys I don't know etc.. all it did was make me hurt. But, more worryingly, it showed she was out enjoying life, while i sat there pondering.

 

i was a big fan of FB - but i didn't realise the extent in which i was on there, and checking up on her. I'm off it now. and it genuinely feels good. Also, get friends to not mention anything on her page etc, removes any temptation. She, for all sense and purpose, is a ghost of your past now.

 

Man up - n you'll be fine. Hell, it took be 9 months!

[SorrowandPain]

Went to a club last night and had fun. I also got a girl's number. I don't know if I should call her. I still have tons of stuff to work on and I haven't healed. I still think about the ex all the time. Should I just let this one go and work on healing? It was obviously a lift to be able to have fun and to also have a fun time with a new girl but I don't feel ready to hang out with new girls on a 1 on 1 basis. I don't want to be putting a bandage over my wounds and end up doing what my ex is currently doing.

[MK9]

Heal first. Learn how to be happy by yourself, become a stable person. After that you can start another relationship because you're strong enough. It wouldn't be fair if you start a relationship right now.

[MK9]

if you're depress try eating Blue berries daily. I used to be sad and depress as well, but after eating blue berries for about a year daily, I feel much happier.

 

link removed

[Ammy1]

Impulse break ups are the worst and most toxic to a relationship. I did that to a boyfriend once and vowed to never do it again. I just wanted to see if he wanted me back, and I kept breaking up with him. But, when he broke up with me I thought the world would end right then and there. Let her go. You hurt her enough. No need to get revenge or pull her back with you for your own reasons.

[endy]

Went to a club last night and had fun. I also got a girl's number. I don't know if I should call her. I still have tons of stuff to work on and I haven't healed. I still think about the ex all the time. Should I just let this one go and work on healing? It was obviously a lift to be able to have fun and to also have a fun time with a new girl but I don't feel ready to hang out with new girls on a 1 on 1 basis. I don't want to be putting a bandage over my wounds and end up doing what my ex is currently doing.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with dating or surrounding yourself with women after a breakup. It can be pretty damn therapeautic to helping you heal. However, that means you can DATE. Nothing serious until you're healed again.

[SorrowandPain]

quick update:

 

The girl from the club never replied. We had a great rapport going on and she seemed interested but stuff like this happens all the time. I'm just trying to remind myself that. Part of the reason I didn't want to call her is because my fragile ego can't handle any potential rejections right now.

 

I have not stopped accessing the ex's facebook. I really need to stop. I think the guy gave her the boot. I knew he was using her for sex. I'm trying not to be the old me who laughs at people's pain, but I can't honestly say that it doesn't make me feel a little good when she said "He's everything to me that you never were" but it turns out he pumped her and chucked her. However, I still hope she comes back. I've been dreaming about her. I think this no-reply from the club girl has temporarily opened up some wounds. Even if the ex does come back, what could she possibly think she could say to make things right and to make me take her back? I drove her to it yes, but she ripped was so callous, cold and said the most horrible things. I didn't respect her before so how could I respect her now after she was used like a piece of meat? How could I ever trust her again? I mean if she cheated emotionally this time and gave me the boot when she thought the grass was greener, what's to stop her the next time?

 

Despite all this, I have been moving on. Been reading Journey from Abandonment book endy recommended, have been back to working out, have been doing what I need to do to get to where I want career wise. It's just I can't stop missing the ex. I go through periods of remember how awful the relationship was and how she disappointed me time and time again to me idealizing her and thinking that I need her.

[endy]

It takes time dude, but seriously stop with the * * * * ing facebook. It's only going to cause you more pain, and it's going to set you back. You need to move on completely and stop accessing that now. You're going to do what you're going to do, but give me her account name and password. I'll change it for you. Seriously You're killing me here! Dude you don't want her back. READ what you just said. STOP caring what she's doing now and just focus on yourself.

[veneratio]

Endy is right. You've gotta quit with the facebook browsing. I made the mistake of finally looking at my ex's fb yesterday, what do I see? Her and him beaming smiles. Hurt on so many levels. Never again. You set yourself back a few steps each time you look, you owe it to yourself to stop. Don't let her have that much power over you, I know it's hard, but you've really gotta force yourself to stop.

[SorrowandPain]

veneratio,

 

I'm not just browsing, I have her password.

 

I know I need to stop. It appears bizarro me hasn't totally kicked her to the curb because he just "poked" her on facebook. But it's likely he's just keeping her around for easy sex. I mentioned that she posted some song lyrics about waiting for someone to give her his love, and she will wait but if he can't give it, then cut her loose because she can't bear the pain or something like that. She has also been initiating conversations with an ex bf of hers who cheated on her and she commented to him a few days ago about how dating sucks.

 

Why do I care about her? Why would I want to be with someone who is letting herself be used like a piece of meat? I mean to be fair, I don't know the full story but what I mentioned above isn't indicative of a girl who is happy with a new guy.

 

I know I need to * * * * ing move on. I am doing everything to move on except for the cesation of accessing her facebook and letting her go. It's not like I'm sitting around in my room moping. I am doing everything I possibly can to better myself. If there was a switch that would let me move on, I would flick it in a heartbeat. But for now, I still hope she comes back but at the same time, I hate her for abandoning me when I couldn't go through with it with her and for how poorly she ended things.

[SorrowandPain]

So I've been reading endy's book recommendation The Journey from Abandonment to Healing and a lot of this stuff is hitting home and hitting home hard especially the section on Internalizing and my issues with self-esteem and self worth. I essentially have all the symptoms of low self-esteem listed by Susan Anderson. I mean this wasn't a surprise because I know I have low self-esteem and have been doing therapy for like 7 years.

 

Anyways, my ex has low self-esteem too and we both have problems with immediate gratification. Granted I have accomplished way more than her in life but I feel like she could accomplish what she wants to if she had more support. I tried supporting her but it ended up with a lot of frustration which obviously didn't help her self-esteem (especially when I said some really really horrible things at the beginning of our relationship). I know she ended it and she's with another guy but I just don't want her to be used and inevitably crushed. I'm going back to internalizing and idealizing her but I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't play a large part in our demise.

 

I've gone through the cycle of hating her and feeling like we're soul mates multiple times today. I just want to be there for her. I know it sounds self-righteous and naive but she needs me. I'm the only one who pushed her to excel and truly wants her to reach her full potential (maybe it's because I want her to be better for me I don't know). She just doesn't believe in herself and I stopped believing in her too but without me, she will just be so much worse off. We have been through so much and if we could only have another chance, I know I can do my part. I feel like making a huge mistake and contacting her to tell her this but I won't.

 

Why can't I just move on?

[SorrowandPain]

Well, I'm currently experiencing the "Rage" portion of healing according to The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Unfortunately, the steps aren't linear and you bounce back and forth between them but hopefully this is a step in the right direction. As of this moment, I don't want her. I hate her. I'm trying not to be spiteful, hateful and full of anger like the person I am trying not to be anymore but I can't stop. I took a screen shot of her during a skype conversation we had on Jun 7th 2011. To my best recollection, I had just taken her back shortly before this date. I did some digging and found out that she added bizarro me to her facebook on either June 7th or June 8th. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt when she said she didn't stop talking to him on facebook until 2 weeks prior to her breaking it off with me - which would be about a month or so after she added him. But let's look at the big picture here, why the hell did she add him in the first place? I was there for her and she sucked me in after I tried breaking it off with her at the end of April. I then caved and took her back late May/early June when she did everything she could to win me back. So why on earth would she add this guy on facebook when I agreed to reconcile things with her?

 

I have my faults and I know they played a role in the demise of our relationship but on the whole, I was good to her. I was her only true support system. I was the only person who would listen to her whine about her failures and lack of direction in life. I tried to motivate her. I tried to guide her. I tried to help her become what she wanted to be. 3/4 of her previous boyfriend cheated on her. No one respects her. She is a coffee barista and she can't even do her job well. One of her managers always picked on her. Another one whom she thought liked her said behind her back that she's "slow as * * * * " and hates closing with her. Co-workers don't respect her. She's always been the odd one out in her circle of "friends" and they don't respect her.

 

She is 22 and has accomplished NOTHING. She's wanted to lose weight, work out, and take care of her body for the past 2 years. Never did it. She wanted to go back to school and during the 2 years I was with her, I tried to kindly motivate her but she never got around to it. I told her that I would be her support system for school because I know her self confidence isn't high but who will support her now? She clearly didn't know how to study or apply herself. She was a C/D student in high school! Instead of doing regular math like everyone else, she took the easy way out and did math for quitters. What she took basically taught her how to use a calculator. She needs to take HS math to get into any community college program and I said I would help her. Who will help her now? No one. Prior to meeting me, she was unemployed for about 6 months and before that, she was fired from 2 retail jobs. She is a loser. She is a liar. I know things are transient and everything is impermanent but she said she would never cheat or betray me. She said she felt for me something so deep she would never feel it again. I wanted to stray many times and came close but always stopped because I didn't want to crush her. She told me that if I left her for someone else, she would die. So what's happening now? She's with this clone of me, a bizarro me. This guy is just using her for sex. She is going out all the time partying and burning away her very meek earnings. So much for saving for school. I had to remind her all the time to be responsible with her spending because she had bigger things to look forward to such as school. Without me, she is getting drunk all the time and being irresponsible in all aspects of life (don't get me wrong, I like to party but I know how to be responsible and manage my money).

 

I hate her. I can't believe I wasted 2 good years of my life with this child. I may seem vindictive and spiteful but it's how I feel right now. Perhaps it's necessary for my recovery. Maybe I'll do a 180 and pine for her again but these things are like waves. There are highs and lows. I shouldn't have any ill wishes toward her but when this guy finally gives her the boot, she'll be left with nothing and she will then see even though I was damaged, I was truly good to her but by then it's too late.

[SorrowandPain]

I hate her so much for abandoning me. She knew of my issues. She knew my childhood had many traumatic events. She knew I was and am broken. She said she'd be there for me always. The hell with her.

 

When she had her breakdowns, they were very bad and I was scared and wanted to leave because she seemed crazy at times. Instead, I stuck with her and told her she needed to get help. How is it fair that she abandoned me when I could never do it to her. I don't believe in karma but I sure hope karma bites her in the ass.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I hate her so much for abandoning me. She knew of my issues. She knew my childhood had many traumatic events. She knew I was and am broken. She said she'd be there for me always. The hell with her.

 

When she had her breakdowns, they were very bad and I was scared and wanted to leave because she seemed crazy at times. Instead, I stuck with her and told her she needed to get help. How is it fair that she abandoned me when I could never do it to her. I don't believe in karma but I sure hope karma bites her in the ass.

 

- I'm sorry you're in pain. But you dumped her, you wouldn't introduce her to your friends. Are you just venting? Because it doesn't bear much reality to what actually happened, you know?

 

This is what you said about the way you treated her:

 

For example, during our last month, she would ask me many times why I was even in the relationship and I said multiple times: "I don't know. I don't really want to be. Just take it or leave it." I treated her poorly so many times

 

Why are you so angry with her?

[chitown9]

I hate her so much for abandoning me. She knew of my issues. She knew my childhood had many traumatic events. She knew I was and am broken. She said she'd be there for me always. The hell with her.

 

When she had her breakdowns, they were very bad and I was scared and wanted to leave because she seemed crazy at times. Instead, I stuck with her and told her she needed to get help. How is it fair that she abandoned me when I could never do it to her. I don't believe in karma but I sure hope karma bites her in the ass.

 

Stop and think for a minute. Did you not say that you had trouble with intimacy. People who have trouble with intimacy do this push and pull thing through out the relationship. You cannot commit. That was very critical in your relationship with her. You would sabatoge the relationship due to your commitment phobia. So...stop already....

[SorrowandPain]

Maybe he's not using her for sex? This is so confusing. Just logged on to her facebook and saw a convo she had with the guy. I think they're going on a trip this Sunday and he said to her "I'm excited for more adventures with you" to which she replied "I am enjoying dating someone that I actually get to do things with" and then he smiled. She always wanted to go on trips and do stuff but I would often say no for a variety of reasons. So I dunno, maybe he's not using her. But the important thing is, I will stop creeping her facebook now. This is over. Done. There's no going back and re-doing things.

 

To the 2 posters above my post: I know my inner demons played a large part in this relationship's demise and my next relationship is doomed to fail if I don't change. With that said, she still ended up abandoning me and that cuts to the very core of anyone's existence especially a guy like me. In the relationship grieving process, what I'm reading tells me that you bounce from entirely self blame to entire counter-blaming but of course, relationships fail because of both parties. It just sucks that I was abandoned even though I drove her away. I think of the what ifs etc but it's really time to move on. I will change and conquer my inner demons or I will die trying.

 

edit: Just a thought: it seems like she really has done the opposite of what I did when I was idealizing her. Just from that comment about enjoying dating someone she can do things with, it appears she only remembers the bad parts of our relationship and is even embellishing the bad. We went out to places not all the time but semi-frequently. I don't know what the situation is with her and this guy. A few days ago, she was posting lyrics about waiting for someone's love and they can't give it, please let them go 'cause her heart can't take it, and she was talking to her ex saying dating sucks but now, it appears they're going on a trip and things are fine. It looks like they're hanging out less than once a week though. I think he hung out once with her last week and in their convo I saw earlier, it seemed like he was trying to bail on hanging out with her this Sunday. This will definitely not be enough for her. She was super needy. Seeing her twice a week wasn't enough and she would always feel really sad because she would "miss" me. It was too much really.

 

BUT I AM GOING TO STOP ACCESSING HER AFTER I'M DONE WITH IT THIS TIME. IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON AND TO STOP MAKING MYSELF PLAY A MILLION DIFFERENT SCENARIOS AND STORIES IN MY MIND.

[askltk]

I'm pretty sure - if you needed any more convincing - the girls now with someone else. FB is, after all, the most public form of communication we now use - opening up our personal details to millions.

 

Not only that, but its nice to see she took the time to dig you on there..! Get off facebook altogether - then you haven't the temptation. If not, delete her, her friends, anyone that could "pop up" in your newsfeed. Its just asking for trouble.

 

Relationships are two way street, a team, a partnership....etc... Fault may lean towards one or the other, but ultimately those actions are a result for unhappiness. But your right, you start off taking all the blame, all the fault..after a while, as you pick yourself up and heal - you realise that not only arent you a bad guy - she's not as prefect as you thought. Then, when you ponder some more, her faults become more obvious, and you notice that the reason you acted the way you did may be because of her.

 

Think about it.

[calichick007]

You seem to take great pleasure in ripping her apart / criticizing her. You do realize that you not respecting her, being attracted to her, etc. does not mean that no one else will be, right? It is quite common for someone to see beauty in someone/something that another person has discarded. You aren't the only person in the world who can care for her, motivate her, believe in her, etc. If you truly love her, you should want her to be with someone who will do all of those things AND respect her, as you obviously do not. And anyway, who cares if she's being played? Who cares if she's miserable. It's obviously not enough for her to want you back, so you REALLY should stop with the FB stalking and try to move forward.

[SorrowandPain]

The female responses vs. male responses are quite telling of our constitutions. I admit my part in the demise of the relationship, my faults and I did a lot of things wrong but I can also see that she did a lot of things wrong and she has many core flaws that I couldn't accept. The males in this thread echo my view: "She isn't right for you. Both of you are broken. You both need to fix yourself before you can be happy in new relationships." Whereas the few females who have posted have put the blame largely on me making me out to be some sort of a sadist who beat her down so badly to the point she had no other option but to leave. I did a lot of wrong things and I did drive her away but she played her part in it too.

 

Also, I am angry about how she ended things. Like I said, I had one foot out the door throughout our relationship and I was happy (not sure how much of that was due to my demons and how much of it was due to her). I wanted to meet people whom I thought were more compatible with me. However, I never met someone first, made sure things were on the up and up with this new person and then ended things. Each time I ended it, I did so before seriously attempting to meet someone else. If she was so unhappy -which she was at the end 'cause things were so bad- she should have ended it saying that things aren't working instead of developing something with a clone of me for 2 weeks, realizing there could be something with him and then dump me. And like I said before, there was no reason for her to add him to facebook back in early June because that's when I took her back. What she did was not cool. It shouldn't matter to me what others think (but it does because of my low self-esteem) but I hope the women here can at least acknowledge that her actions were not cool. She knows how fragile I am. I know how fragile she is. I would never have done to her what she did to me. She said she would die if I found someone else and broke it off with her but when push comes to shove, she did it to me. Aside from the primal subconscious needs which have been torn to shreds from her abandoning me, her actions are why I am so angry.

 

I should also mention again that when I went over to her place that night when I found out about that new guy, we had sex and she said the most hurtful words the day after. I started to get intimate with her but then pulled away and tried to walk out but she begged me back and we had sex. The next day when I begged for her back and said I know she still felt something when we had sex, she said she used me because she was horny. That's such a terrible thing to say.

 

So ya, I'm not going to lie. I am annoyed that the women in this thread made me out to be completely wrong. I was not. I am broken yes but I am not a bad person. I did a lot of good for her.

[MissMazzi]

Haha reading this thread, and seeing how hung up you are on a girl that has so many flaws...I look at myself and think "Why the hell did my ex dump me?! I wasn't THAT bad." O.o Sorry. A bit rude I know..

 

Anyway, I agree with Endy. Both of you have alot of work to do! Both of you are equally at blame. It's not just one of you. I think when you reach where you want to in life and you're in a happy place, you'll feel ready to share that with somebody who's on the same wavelength as you. I think somebody who wants to help themselves and not depend on others for it, would be more suited for you. You can't be her parent.