How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many

[Lithp]

Actually I have a thought. I really should stop caring what she thinks or what happened in the past.

 

Bingo!

 

Why do you want someone who will only come to you when they are done with everyone else? Start focusing on yourself and you will come to find you deserve better than that.

[SorrowandPain]

Just another example of how much of a sycophant/liar she is:

 

Just a quick back-story first: a few months into our relationship, she told me she wanted to go with her friends to this event that's similar to "Burning Man." The event she wanted to go to is basically a 3 day outdoor rave where people camp out, attend rave-like concerts and a lot of people drink heavily, do drugs and it's a very sexually charged atmosphere. I said to her that would not be acceptable for me because of the environment she would be putting herself in -even if she wasn't doing drugs, she would likely be drunk the whole weekend because everyone else would be and that's a bad situation to be in while in a relationship when the environment is super sexually charged- and I couldn't see myself being with her if she's into that kind of stuff (she used to be a raver when she was in high school and routinely did ecstasy). I said to her that if we're committed to each other, she won't go because I'm sure she wouldn't be ok with me doing a spring break trip to Cancun with just the guys. She agreed with my concerns and with my spring break analogy so that was settled.

 

So fast forward almost 1.5 years after I broke it off with her in April and got back together with her in the beginning of June, she out of the blue says to me: "I can't believe I ever wanted to go to _______ (the event that I have mentioned). It's so dirty, filled with drugs and dirty hippies." This was unprovoked. I did not mention this event at all. In fact, I haven't mentioned this event since 1.5 years ago when I said I would not be ok with her going. So when I was checking her email and facebook after she broke up with me, I found out that during the time I had broken up with her (late April to May ) she was corresponding with multiple people on craigslist trying to get tickets to this event and only ended up not buying the tickets because the price was too high!

 

What kind of person does stuff like this? It really makes me wonder how much she hid from me, how much she lied to me, and who she truly is.

 

Now the sick thing is, I still spend like 75% of my day thinking about her. I go from negative thoughts about her like the thoughts I mentioned in this post, to missing her and wanting to have that closeness back. It's been almost 2 months since the break up and 1.5 months since I found out she was emotionally cheating on me with another guy and dumped me for said guy. Is this normal? I keep pining for her to come back even though every logical though tells me it would be extremely unwise to get back together with her.

[SorrowandPain]

Someone talk to me

[SorrowandPain]

Broke down again and checked her facebook.

 

I'm ashamed of myself for doing it but I found out some things that just make me so baffled. First of all, I think she's gained some more weight. Secondly, it appears that she started smoking again (I made her quit when she started dating me). Third, I think she might be doing ecstasy again.

 

Who the * * * * is this person? What a joke. It's almost like everything she "changed" to be with me was a lie. She said she "changed" for the better while with me but now she's doing all the crap that she used to do before she met me. Why do I still care?

 

FWIW, seems like things aren't going that well with bizarro me (no surprise). I can't believe how stuck am I over a person like this.

[Silverluxx]

I'll talk to you. I am going through something similar.

[SorrowandPain]

Did another bad thing. Checked her email. She has a folder of all the emails I've ever sent her (she's had this folder for a long time) and I noticed that she just put the 3-4 "angry" and the "begging" emails I sent to her after I found out about that guy into that folder. She also kept the final email I sent to her in which I told her that we're soul-mates. Not sure what this means and why she's not deleting them.

 

Things don't seem like they're going well between her and bizarro me. Her latest facebook statuses all say stuff like "Who do you take me for? Why am I waiting for you" and stuff like "My heart is hurting" or some crap. But at this point, it would be super pathetic of me to take her back. She's a liar, a cheater, and a fraud. I can't believe she started smoking again and might start doing E again. But again, it's not my life, she's not my problem, I shouldn't care.

[SorrowandPain]

I'll talk to you. I am going through something similar.

 

Hi there,

 

How is your situation similar? Hope you've been doing better than me in terms of moving on.

[Silverluxx]

Hi. My ex of a very long time left me at the end of May for his friend's gf's sister. I think the other person in the equation is what makes you and myself so crazy. I do many of the same things you have talked about. I am better than I was in the beginning but I can easily slip right back there if I am not careful. Everyday is still hard for me but there are good days sometimes too. I have also not gone more that 3 weeks without talking to him at a time so I think that trying to stay NC is for the best. I have a question for you though. I don't really understand why you want her back so badly when you are not attracted to her. Why were you with her to begin with if you weren't attracted to her and were you ever attracted to her? Do you find her attractive now that someone else does?

[SorrowandPain]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I noticed your other thread and I'll take a look at it in a bit.

 

I haven't contacted her in over a month and a half and I come close to contacting her but then I always stop myself. The accessing her facebook and email I try my hardest not to do and my longest period of staying away was 15 days, followed by 6 which I just broke today.

 

Regarding your question of attraction (or lack of it in this case) and wanting her, it's a combination of a bunch of different things. I have abandonment issues and she filled that void. We were in a really co-dependent relationship and she was really dependent on me -she would always miss me, throw fits if she didn't get to see me and was just way too clingy and attached. Although I hated it, I guess it made me feel important. We met online and started a lot talking for a few weeks before meeting because she was going on a trip That was a huge mistake because we hit it off so well and developed a bond before I could meet the real her. Her pictures were about 2 years old (she wasn't in shape in these pics just not as large as she was when I met her) and she pretended to be something she was (like she did with me throughout the relationship and no with this new guy). I said some terrible things in the beginning like I really like her but physically she's not my type and that crushed her but she promised me she'd work on getting in shape. It never happened over the 2 years. I should never have expected someone change x,y,z because that never works. I should have walked away.

 

Basically what it comes down to I guess is I like *it* (the comfort, the attachment etc) rather than her. I've always had low self-esteem and so does she so that's why we were drawn to each other I guess. She always promised me she would change and improve but it never happened. And now, it seems like she's gotten a lot worse after she left me. Even though I had all those problems with her in the relationship, she left me for someone else and is currently * * * * ing him, and she has started smoking and doing all the irresponsible things that I wouldn't have really been happy with, if she came back today, I would still probably take her back. How sick is that? I don't really find her more attractiveness now that she is with someone else. If anything I find her slightly less attractive because she just keeps getting used by guys but what I do want to do is save her again.

[SorrowandPain]

It's funny. Her starting smoking should solidify my thoughts on her molding and pretending to be whatever her partner wants and should be the final straw for me to move on. She hid her smoking from me when we first started seeing each other and when I found out, I told her that it's a deal breaker for me because I find it to be a disgusting habit. She was able to quit and she kept saying to me how "disgusting" it is and how she can't believe she ever did it. Well now that she's not with me anymore, she's started it again. Her lying is really quite ridiculous. She clearly isn't what I'm looking for yet I'm still obsessing over her.

[Silverluxx]

So realizing that you like "it" and not "her" doesn't help you? I feel like if I was able to come to that realization it would help me not want my ex back. There were things about him that bothered me but I still liked most of "him." I guess I just don't understand how you could be in a relationship with someone for that long never having been attracted to them. Also this may be too personal but how were you able to be sexual with her if you weren't attracted to her? I mean for so long anyway. Did you ever think you loved her during the relationship?

[SorrowandPain]

So realizing that you like "it" and not "her" doesn't help you? I feel like if I was able to come to that realization it would help me not want my ex back. There were things about him that bothered me but I still liked most of "him." I guess I just don't understand how you could be in a relationship with someone for that long never having been attracted to them. Also this may be too personal but how were you able to be sexual with her if you weren't attracted to her? I mean for so long anyway. Did you ever think you loved her during the relationship?

 

Ya it's weird. I tried ending it so many times because I was miserable in it so often but then we always had some good spots. We did EVERYTHING together. I pretty much spent all my weekends with her and we would do a lot of mundane things together but be comfortable with each other.

 

The sex thing was a problem. I often rejected her sexual advances. I mean will still had frequent sex but I usually thought of other people a lot. During the last month of our relationship, we barely had sex. I rejected all of her advances. When I found out she hadn't been going to the gym for a month and a half (just a month prior when she begged me back, she promised me she'd start going again), I was just so fed up I told her that I'm not physically attracted to her anymore. It was pretty messed up.

 

I always thought to myself (friends told me too) that I'm a decent look guy, in great shape, smart funny etc and I should be doing a lot better in terms of women but I just always felt a connection with her probably because we were both co-dependent. She was my first and only sex partner (well intercourse anyways, I've done a lot of other stuff with numerous other women) and she knew that I wanted to have sex with other women but I assured her that I never would cheat on her. I even told her a few weeks before our break up "ya I find other chicks attractive and sure part of me wants to have sex with them but I would never do that because of what we have."

 

The love thing? Depends on what you mean by love I guess. I took me over a year and a half to say the words to her and I still don't know if I did/do love her. I tend to think in black and white/all or nothing so I was reluctant to tell her I love her. In my mind, I thought love is when you accept your partner for who she is and accept her flaws. I didn't accept her many, many flaws so I was always reluctant. With that said, I had an intense caring for her and wanted what was best for her. Is that classified as love?

[Silverluxx]

How old are you?

[SorrowandPain]

Mid-late 20s. I'm 5 years older than she is.

[SorrowandPain]

I have urges to call her up and be like " * * * are you doing with yourself and your life?!?!?" I still want to save her. How dumb am I?

[SorrowandPain]

You know what is really annoying? When the logic in front of you is clear as day but you can't internalize it and let your feelings and urges get the best of you. I know that I shouldn't be logging into her facebook but I do it anyways. It harms me and sets me back but I still do it. I know that she isn't right for me. Our 2 year relationship with the same fights over and over again is all the evidence I need. I know I need to improve and I'm trying to do so but she has regressed terribly. I still want to get back together with her so I can feel good, save her etc but logically, it just won't work. She has not taken any steps to address any of her issues and if anything, she's doing everything she can to have a quick fix of pleasure while harming herself in the long run. From checking her facebook, I know she is blowing through a lot of money she doesn't have. She has been drinking heavily almost every weekend and has gained a significant amount of weight (from looking at her pictures). She has also started smoking again and might start doing E again. She is also in a rebound with a guy who won't commit to her and is causing her emotional pain. She clearly isn't right for me. I can't save her. But yet, 75% of my day is spent thinking about her. Will these obsessive thoughts ever stop?

 

My heart just breaks seeing her go down this road but I can't do anything about it.

[endy]

She has not taken any steps to address any of her issues and if anything, she's doing everything she can to have a quick fix of pleasure while harming herself in the long run.

 

I'de just like to point out that you neither have not taken any steps to address YOUR issues. That's what is really important. You need to start worrying about yourself, because what you are doing is not healthy. Tell yourself starting Friday you will not check it anymore. Then just * * * * ing do it. It's seriously not your business anymore, and it's doing you more harm than good. You need to start worrying about yourself and not her. She's not in your life anymore. Worry about your codependency issues, and start working on that. Because honestly you still feel the need to take care of her.

 

She's going to do what she's going to do, you checking her facebook has no bearing on any of it. All it does is harm you. It does not effect her, and it's not going to help you take care of her. All it's doing is causing you more pain. Either change her password, or don't touch a computer. The sooner it stops, the less you'll start thinking about it. It will take a few months but work through it.

 

She is her own person, and honestly what you're doing is just really not healthy. You know the relationship was not healthy, and you really need some work on yourself. Start reading, and start going to the gym. Stay busy and concentrate on yourself. We can only beat a dead horse here a certain amount of times until we have to give up.

 

That whole thread above is about her. You need to start putting you first. Getting her back would not end your pain. Seeing her is causing you pain. You need to eliminate that, and you can control yourself. If you can't go see a therapist, if you have one... get a different one. It's doing you way too much harm.

[SorrowandPain]

Endy,

 

Of course what you're saying is right but right now nothing is getting through to me. I went 15 days full NC by not accessing her facebook but then at the end, I couldn't help myself from scratching the itch. I had a friend type in a password for a plug-in that blocks websites on Firefox. That worked out well until I had to scratch the itch and then I logged into her facebook using IE. I then had my friend type in a password to block facebook on IE and went NC for 6 days. Just yesterday, I had to scratch that itch and downloaded Google Chrome. It just doesn't stop.

 

I do workout. I workout 4x a week. I have been reading (although I have been a bit lazy in that aspect over the past few days). I have also been lazy in terms of prepping for my future career. But it doesn't matter. I keep myself busy but while I'm busy, I think about her. I have been going out to clubs every weekend with friends. At the end of the night, I think about her. I go to a therapist. He knows my history with the ex. At the end of the sessions, I come out feeling like her leaving is the best thing that could have happened to me and that her and I would never work. But hours later, I think about her. I am currently reading a book on mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hang but I'm kind of half assing it. I should have been finished by now but I havne't look at it in a few days. I'm worried nothing will work.

 

In fact, I'm soooooo close to texting her right now and breaking almost 1.5 months of not contacting her. I'm just so worried that these pangs won't go away. I'm not religious but God help me if I text her tonight.

[SorrowandPain]

Well folks, the following is why you should go full NC and not facebook stalk or find out stuff about what your ex is doing:

 

I just logged into her facebook again and she was talking to her friend and another new guy (this guy had tried to get on dates with her when I broke up with her in April but she has been ignoring him until now).

 

From talking to her friend, it appears that she really likes bizarro me but he won't commit to her. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean she misses me. She said to the new guy (not the new guy she's dating but the person I mentioned above) that she finally cut things off with me completely after I went psycho on her. She mocked me and said "at first he was all like "OMG HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU RUINED ME" but then he was all like "MARRY ME WE'RE SOUL MATES." ya for real." That is what she said.

 

So let that be a lesson to all of you kids out there. Pining, begging or whatever DOESN'T work. It's also nice of her to think of me as a complete psycho when she did the same thing to me so many times (begged, pined, called and texted me liek 50x in an hour when I tried to break things off with her). I wish I could say this allows me to move on easier but it really doesn't.

[endy]

Man... Tell your therapist what you're doing as in stalking her facebook if you haven't. It doesn't matter anymore * * * she is doing, what she says about you etc. Who cares what she thinks? Look at what she's doing? She's being weak by running from guy to guy. Dude this is going to destroy you and make it worse until you stop. You're going to learn your lesson the hard way, and you're beginning to right now. It's still fresh, and of course she's going to say that.

 

She wants to validate ending the relationship. Just like when you did, you probably thought she was nuts too. None of this matters, it's irrelevant. This person is not healthy, and in all honesty... neither are you at this point. Your actions are screaming codependency, even how you describe yourself. Is your therapist also aware of this? You are killing me here man. YOU control your actions and you control your thoughts. It's really that simple. You tell yourself you don't need to check it and then you don't anymore. You just don't let yourself. You have got to stop. Eventually you're going to get sick of it, and that's going to be it.

[SorrowandPain]

I told my therapist many times about the facebook stalking and he tells me that I have to stop my masochistic behaviour immediately. He said I'm engaging in self-mutilation. I need to be a man and when I say I'm going to do something, I need to follow through. No one can stop this but me. My therapist is aware of everything and all my issues. There's no magic button for me to push to get rid of them unfortunately and it's not like he can chain me up and prevent me from doing what I'm doing. If it's killing you, how do you think I feel? I'm actively killing myself slowly.

 

I did think that she was nuts but I had compassion and felt bad for her. I never could abandon her because she was all alone. I always made sure she was ok. The fact that she could do it to me and now she's trashing me saying I'm psycho for doing stuff she did way more really cuts deep. She went from saying stuff like she would never betray me and saying she would always love me to doing what she's doing now.

 

I also saw her rip into the guy she was talking to (the guy to whom she said I'm psycho) her friend. The guy was choked that he never got a date with her and she made fun of him to her friend. Her friend asked her why she never went on a date with him and she said: "He was a novelty. He paid attention to me when _______ (me) broke up. The novelty wore off quickly. hahahaha i'm such a * * * * * !" Just makes me shake my head. She was always ripping into me for not being compassionate and not having empathy but look at her actions.

 

I have come close to contacting her but I have stopped. I want to tell her that I love her etc but that would only benefit her while hurting me. If I did that, it'll allow her to endure the run-arounds bizarro me is giving her because she knows she has a fall-back. I don't wish her any harm but I'm not going to disrespect myself and let her have the strength of having a backup.

[SorrowandPain]

Btw, saw a convo she had with her friend last night. They were talking about her friend's guy friend and how he possibly is really well endowed. Her friend was saying it's gross because a bunch of her friends have slept with this guy. So my ex goes onto say that if he's really well endowed, she'll be down for no-strings-attached sex wit him. What a classy girl. Keep in mind she is saying this while she is trying to get bizarro me to be her boyfriend. Everything I thought I knew about her is a lie. She had a pretty high number of sexual partners for her age which I was fine with but she always said that she's not into one night stands anymore because she needs to have a connection for sex now because it means so much more. She said that multiple times to me (many times she brought it up herself).

 

What a terrible, terrible woman.

[SorrowandPain]

Seems like bizarro me broke it off with her last night (FWIW, she said all that stuff about wanting to have no strings attached sex with mr. horse BEFORE he broke it off with her). She had a facebook update this morning of "Karma is a * * * * * ... fml" which I presume is also in reference to how she left me for him. I had told her that I don't believe in karma but if there was something like that, she should be crapping her pants.

 

Must resist urge to contact her and tell her that I love her...

[Honey Pumpkin]

Actually, reading this I thought that description applied more to you: you're breaking into her private correspondence and reading it months after you dumped her. YOU HAVE TO STOP DOING THIS!!!!! She is not posting these conversations openly, you are stalking her and breaking into her private accounts to read this. Isn't this illegal?

[SorrowandPain]

To be fair, I didn't break into anything. She gave me her passwords.

 

That doesn't mean that what I'm doing isn't ethically abhorrent.