How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many

[SorrowandPain]

Zoned out with zoplicone now increased the dose to 150% so I should have 15 min of tranquility before zoning off. I've stave off my urges so today is complete. Tomorrow is another day of suffering.

 

Thanks to those wrho read. I really am suffering.

[endy]

The only thing that is going to help you is to stop living in the past. You need to live in the moment. You are literally living in the past because you are obsessing about it, thinking about the pain constantly. Either learn how to live in the moment, or it's not going to get any better until one day your brain just decides I've had enough of this. That WILL happen, but it takes a long time.

 

The more you think about the past, the more pain you're going to cause. SHE isn't causing you the pain anymore. It's your self causing it internally. You have the power to stop those thoughts. If you don't believe you do, then you won't.

[SorrowandPain]

Thanks endy. You're right. Everyone else is right. If only I could flip a switch and live in the present and move on. Unfortunately I'm stuck.

 

This isn't an insult to any theists out there but as a non-believer, I have resorted prayer in an attempt to rid me of my pain and obsessions. I am completely desperate. I didn't go to work today, haven't worked out in about 2 weeks and am continuing to spiral into this abyss.

 

13th day of full NC. Hopefully today's obsessions and urges will be weaker than the past few days. I hate this. I hate this so much. I'm pretty sure where this road is heading.

[endy]

You're an athiest? Good, watch the movie what the bleep down the rabbit hole. It's science based, on the mind. You don't think you can live in the present and move on? You're manifesting your life and reality in front of yourself. Watch that movie. It's going to open your eyes to who we all really are.

 

What's going on in your brain is simple. You're being deprived of a certain creation of chemicals. Chemicals that when she was there were still there and they are not. It takes awhile for your mind, and brain to adjust. You hate this, you hate yourself, i'm pretty sure where this road is heading... You know what that's manifesting? Exactly that. More hate. You need to learn how to love. First yourself, after others. This is your lesson. Start learning it and concentrating on that. You'll find this movie to spike your interest I bet. Go with it.

[SorrowandPain]

Endy,

 

I appreciate all your efforts. Unfortunately, things like What the Bleep do we Know/What the Bleep Down the Rabbit Hole, The Secret, and other similar items are not my cup of tea.

 

At the expense of sounding like a negative downer, I am frustrated and am losing hope. I very well know what my issues are. I know I have issues with abandonment, self-esteem, co-dependency, inadequacy, negative thought patterns. I know which childhood traumas caused/contributed to these issues. Simply knowing about the problems and the causes won't make them go away. Like I said before, I see all the major cracks in my dam but they're beyond repair and the damn is about to collapse.

 

The only thing I can do is use every fiber in my being to NOT break NC. I have to at least give self a chance. If I hit 30 days NC, or 60 days NC and I'm still like this, then I'm done. I refuse to suffer like this. I just read a thread in the getting back together by Sims54 and he still hasn't gotten over his most recent ex and it's been 16 months. It took him over 2 years to get over the ex before that but he says he's never truly gotten over the heartbreak and hasn't gotten over mom breaking his heart when he was younger. He is 39 and struggling mentally. I refuse to live like that. I have a feeling that I'm one of the "lucky" few like him who are permanently broken. I have struggled with off and on depression for nearly 10 years now. Enough is enough. Therapy, meds, constant working out, getting my degree, getting a gf (the most recent one) nothing has been a long term panacea. In fact this breakup might be the straw that broke the camel's back. Come to think of it, she was my life-line because I assumed she'd always be there. She's gone now, most likely won't come back and even if she does, it'd never be the same.

 

"Only" 18 more days until I hit 1 month of NC. I owe it to myself, my family and my friends to try and last until then.

[endy]

You know what your REAL problem is? You believe things that are limiting you. Throw out everything you ever know and watch that movie. You can seriously change. You can believe in yourself. Anyone is capable of change and growth. Why are they not your cup of tea? Why not give it a chance? You seem intelligent enough to understand it.

 

I do not accept close-mindedness as an excuse. Nobody is broken beyond fixing. Nobody is permanently broken. You have no intention of changing. You have no intention of doing things different. You just want to sit there and wallow in your depression because you believe nothing is going to change. Believing and having intention is all it takes to start. Look it's apparent to me that what's missing in your life is that you don't understand spirituality. Spirituality is not religion. I'm not trying to push any God on you. Hell I believe we are all connected and ARE GOD at our base. We are all made up of the same things. Quantum physics is actually well on it way to proving that now.

 

Be open minded and learn new things. We are here to learn spiritually. Do you think you were put here to just suffer? NO! you were put here to love. Yourself, and others. Unfortunately you don't know how yet/ don't believe you can. The first step is having intention and believing. So give it a try, what else do you have to lose?

 

People are stuck in their beliefs. They have been pounded into mankind and children over and over. You always have a choice to ignore what others say. You always have a choice to throw everything you know out the window and start over. You want to know what's going to happen with my beliefs if you kill yourself? You're going to come back into the exact same position, to learn the same lesson here again. So... get through it. Just out of curiosity... Do you read on any plants or healing that way? I have something that I would suggest that may help you a lot. Although... I'm not going to mention it on this forum, it would have to be in PM.

[SorrowandPain]

My belief that things are limiting me whether it's from internal or external forces IS a large problem. That stems from self doubt and the belief of personal inadequacies that probably don't exist.

 

The reason why those things aren't my cup of tea is because they're not really grounded in science/physics at all and it is pseudoscience. I am not a physics or quantum physics major but I do know how to research information and access it and my research of these things leads me to believe that they are incorrect. They take fundamental principles in physics but then extrapolate them to really unbelievable levels. Most of the real experts quoted in the movie have come out and said they were misquoted and/or quoted out of context and the real makers of the film are part of a new age cult-like group. Many people who are actually in the field of science have refuted these movies and this new age movement. It's funny this was brought up because there was huge friction between my ex and her parents because they are into all the new age stuff but I'm not. They often tried to push it on me and they pushed it on their daughter while I was trying to get their daughter to think in a more critical/skeptical manner.

 

With that said, if there's one message behind all that stuff that is undeniably true it's there is power in positive thinking. Not that you can win a million dollars just by thinking positive thoughts but you only defeat yourself if you think you can't do whatever you're trying to do. It's ironic for me to say that because here I am stuck in my depression thinking that I won't get out.

 

And I don't know if taking any psychodellics would be a good idea for me at this junction.

[SorrowandPain]

Just to clarify endy, just because I don't agree with some of your beliefs doesn't mean that I don't value and appreciate the majority of your advice. The only problem nothing that anyone is saying is doing any good.

 

I wish I could be stop the obsessive thoughts, I wish I could block out the memories, I wish that I would stop wanting to contact her. I wish that I would truly believe the truth, that is, she is no good for me. I wish I could love myself enough to say "She left me for someone else. There is no going back from this and it's time to move on." I wish this would all go away.

 

I finished writing a 6000 word letter to her. I'm in the process of writing letters to my parents and my close friends. Just want to have everything handy in case I can't get out.

[MK9]

go outside, find a park or a gym, and run like hell. they'll cures anything...guarantee. Find a place where you can do this daily. Long walks would also help, so if you can't run, go out and keep walking for 45 mins to 1 hours or more.

 

the hard part is to actually get up and do it, that's up to you. I was in the same situation and I had the same feeling.

 

trust me, thinking will only make the problem worse. It will create more anger, resentment, and self loathe. Then more over-analyzes. Therapist won't help either, all they do is analyze more. The solution is not analysis, but to give the body what it needs, relief of stresses. You already know all you need to know, and understand all you need to understand.

 

 

 

Everything will be alright. Just run or take long walks.

[SorrowandPain]

Made day 13. Evening was a bit better. MK9, I do read your posts and I will be back to working out tomorrow. In some other news, I will be going to Las Vegas with a friend for halloween. I'm not sure this is the best idea for me because I'm not really ready to do any hardcore partying but it sure has to beat locking myself in my room right now.

 

The urges to text have faded substantially. The many memories of us flooding into my mind don't stop, but they're currently not as piercing. Maybe it's the strong prescription sleeping pills. Tomorrow is another day of suffering but hopefully it'll be less intensive.

[Klokwurk]

My magic day was day 37. Maybe it will be for you too! Keep going dude!

[O-shen]

Sorrow and pain......i have some idea of what you are going through. The downward spiral. I have been there, and sometimes it feels easier just to go down with it, than fight to get back up. I have the same abandonment issues from childhood, so being abandoned from a partner of 8 years was devastating for me. I have recently realised, i also have co-dependancy issues like yourself. The fact I rely on others for happiness, is why i put my everything into something, and get so upset when they dont return the favour. I have battled depression, of varying intensity, for some years now.

 

I miss my ex pretty bad, its been over 6 months since our official break up, 2 months since i foolishly slept with her, and about 3 weeks since i bumped into her in the street. Everyday i kinda hope she texts, but i am slowly accepting i need to let go of that, and of her. All the worrying in the world wont bring her back to me. Neither will begging her, or looking for pityor going NC. I realise that now. I dont like it, but i accept it.

 

When I went on my major downward spiral, i had serious thoughts of self harm, of death. I just couldnt go on. I felt like i was dying. The constant image of her burnt in my brain, the things we did, everything. It destroyed me, or more so, i let it.

I went into serious depression, meds....pretty much ran off the rails too. After some time, i soon realised that there are people far worse off than myself. For instance, our partner dumped us right? Imagine that you stayed together, and it was magical......then she got hit by a bus and died? Then how do you think it would feel? I Know thats a bit full on, but it HAS happened to people. That would devestate me far worse than her leaving me. I am only saying such a thing in hopes of giving you some other perspective, to look at what you DO have, and make the best of it.

 

What stopped my latest downward spiral, was deep in my mind, i knew i would have to climb back out, and i was just making a longer journey. Give it time my friend. I promise you, all is not lost.

 

Take care

[KronicMan]

Imagine that you stayed together, and it was magical......then she got hit by a bus and died?

 

 

 

lol...always looking on the bright side...

[SorrowandPain]

Thanks to all for the words of encouragement.

 

O-Shen,

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It gives me hope that you were able to get out of your abyss. I'm trying to hang in. I need to give myself time. I owe it to everyone.

 

Day 14. Horrible this morning but at least I went to work and did some active things. In fact, there was a brief 5 min window in which I was able to think and believe that I don't need her, I'll be ok and she's the one making the big mistake. Unfortunately, that feeling did not last.

 

I think I'm going to drag myself to a workout. I'll see how I feel then.

[endy]

You owe it to everyone, but most importantly you owe it to yourself. I've watched people crawl out of deeper on here. You'll be fine in a matter of time bud. Just keep digging through it. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Just start believing in it. It takes time to reinforce and change your beliefs in your head after you've believed them for so long.

[SorrowandPain]

Thanks endy. I've learned a lot about how to treat myself, treat people, and treat a gf after this painful breakup.

 

Day 15. 15 days strict NC is the longest I've lasted. Here's to 150 more! Feeling better than yesterday I guess but that's because I got 0 sleep last night and I'm running on pure adrenaline. It's going to be a tough weekend for me because it's a long weekend (holiday) where I'm from and I've spent this long weekend with her over the past 2 years. It makes me really sad that we won't be spending this one together. I presume that all special days such as birthdays, Christmas, etc are going to cut deep when they approach.

 

I think in my mind, I've begin to accept that NC is for my healing and not to get her back. I just need to keep plugging through no matter how hard it gets.

 

Btw, I booked a trip to Las Vegas for Halloween weekend with a buddy of mine. I hope I'll be in a good spot mentally when the time comes.

[endy]

Honestly, yes those holidays will effect you. They will be a minor setback. You'll get through them just like you already have got through all of the other days. I had her birthday and my birthday set me back... Well actually my birthday I didn't give a damn as I was hammered drunk on a boat with naked chicks running all around an island... lol.

 

You'll get through it man. It might take awhile. Just have to deal with it. Honestly if you don't want to work on any of that stuff I said... Then just try to understand attraction more. Read things like "the tao of badass" and "the way of the superior man". It's important stuff for any man to understand.

[SorrowandPain]

Hi Endy,

 

I do want to work on my issues and I am. I really have to. Even though the laws of attraction stuff isn't my thing, I still need to find other ways. I will checked out Reconciliation and even You can Heal your Life. What I'm doing isn't living. With all these issues, I'll just keep being unhappy and I won't have thriving relationships. I'll only end up with broken people with serious issues like my ex. I will check out The Way of the Superior Man and that other one as well.

[endy]

Just try to keep an open mind. Like I said buddhism really isn't a religion. You can heal your life... it's kinda hard to get through but if you do the exercises it will help. You just pretty much need to know you are good enough and let the past go. It's all about having confidence bud. You'll get there. It took me the better part of 6 months. But working on yourself takes the pain away somewhat. You start to realize that there is more to life than someone that just wasn't good or healthy for you. That doesn't mean you never loved each other. Look at it this way. If it never happened nothing would ever change. You would have been stuck in the dead end relationship you were.

 

This at the very least is going to allow you to change for the better, and because of it... you will have better relationships.

[SorrowandPain]

I am 100% willing to embrace the ideas of Buddhism. I know it's not a religion.

 

You're 100% right about the confidence thing. Because of my childhood, I've been plagued with feelings of inadequacy and self doubt but now I know there's no other option but to work on them.

 

I'm really trying to temper my current expectations on my recovery right now. I feel a lot better over the past few hours actually but I know that healing occurs in cycles and I may have some temporary respite from the madness but at any moment, I could drop back into the pining. Just have to keep with NC. One slip and I'm off the wagon.

[MK9]

Go to a quieted place and scream your lung out. I do this sometimes when I am on the freeway where nobody is around. Then I go home and punch my wall, but I have punching bags now.

 

 

One time, I got so angry because my girlfriend say that her new boyfriend was so much better than me, so I slammed my neighbor's kid on a cactus. His dad saw what happened because there was a loud agonizing scream, he dropped the basketball and start yelling at me. I told him I was sorry, and I picked the kid up, and starting to pull all the sharp thorns out of him one by one. He was crying and scream even louder. I didn't know what to do so I slapped him. His dad start to gable me with both of his hands and shook me " what are you doing, man!!!" Which made me even angrier, so I head-butted him in the face. As he was lying there unconscious on the floor, and his soon was screaming--I put on my iPod, took a hot bad and took a nap. That was the best feeling of broke-up days in my life, because usually I feel bad and depressed, and angry.

 

What I learn that day was that physically violent help me sleep better. From that day on, I brought punching bag in the living room, the first thing I come home is to punch that things till my heart content. Then I walk down into the basement and scream my lung out. Now, I also run around the block while screaming and punching.

 

My neighbors think I am crazy, but I don't mind.

[endy]

Yup that's the most important thing... Don't break NC period. In your situation don't do it even if she contacts you until you are healed. You're going to get there. Don't ever let someone tell you that you aren't good enough. Any person in this world is good enough. All you have to do is believe in yourself. You'll get there man. Trust it and believe it and you will.

 

The pining again with your issues is normal right now. It will get better. Don't worry about when it happens just get through it and keep NC. Ignore that post above too, it's going to get deleted.

[fireflies23]

Wow.. Just wanted to say that I 1000000% relate to the first post here. I havent read all 23 pages so Im not sure what materializes in this thread but OP, I am basically the female you in this situation and I totally understand your pain. Ive had that intense connection relationship and its sheer agony to lose it.

[SorrowandPain]

Wow just in a bit of disbelief right now. I just got back from clubbing downtown with my friend and who did I see? Bizarro Me (the guy she left me for). He is so similar to me it's scary. What a fluke it was to run into him too. There's dozens of clubs downtown and I wasn't even going to go to this one tonight. I'm really grateful the ex wasn't with him.

 

I don't know what to think right now. I'm not really that set-back in my recovery per se, but tons of thoughts are racing through my head. I wonder if she's still doing him. I wonder if he finally has agreed to be her boyfriend. I wonder if they're completely done. I wonder if she misses the companionship we had because I spent almost all my weekends with her and if I spent one night with my friends, she would really miss me. I wonder if she's ok with him not spending tonight with her. I wonder what she was doing tonight. I wonder if she'll ever contact me.

 

Ugh, just in a bit of disbelief.

[SorrowandPain]

Day 17 of NC. Not feeling great today. What bad luck it was to see Bizarro Me. It really was a very unlikely event. The worst thing is, with the long weekend, it was already difficult enough to ignore my urges to contact her, but seeing the guy she left me for really brings back some of the pining and the questions about what she's up to and what's going on with her and Bizarro Me.

 

I need to get through this. Must not break NC.