SorrowandPain Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Only way to stop the pain is to give in to the break-up and move on. That's true but easier said than done. We broke up so many times (I did all the breaking up) but we always got back together. We spent 2 years together. I hate this so much. Link to comment
Airbag Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 That's true but easier said than done. We broke up so many times (I did all the breaking up) but we always got back together. We spent 2 years together. I hate this so much. Yeah, same here. Except she was the one breaking up with me. I hate it too man, especially because she's all over some other dude right now. Link to comment
endy Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 There's no answer to that last question. I would say the odds aren't very good. I think you also need a lot more time being single and working on yourself than 3 months. Try a year at the least. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 There's no answer to that last question. I would say the odds aren't very good. I think you also need a lot more time being single and working on yourself than 3 months. Try a year at the least. So what you're saying is you think the odds of her returning would be much better had I not sent her those texts? Maybe that's for the best or maybe I'll end up blaming myself for not being able to control myself and sending those texts if she doesn't return. No way to predict the future right? I agree 3 months isn't enough. Just don't know what will happen in a year's time. I'm stuck now and can't see any hope. Link to comment
endy Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 You're stuck in no soul land, but the night is the darkest right before the sunrise... Remember that, take your time. Work on yourself and you'll be fine. It really needs to be addressed and that's the big picture. If you aren't healthy with your "self" you will not have a healthy relationship no matter how healthy the other person is. The big picture is learn to love yourself first, than and only then be able to love another properly. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Day 4 of full NC. Feeling just as bad. I didn't go into work because I just can't do anything. I'm spiraling into an abyss. I know that most of you subscribe to the notion that if someone has been in a LTR and jumps right into a rebound before actually ending the previous relationship, she will not properly grieve immediately but will do the grieving at some later time most likely when the rebound and her are finished (unless she keeps jumping and jumping from one guy to the next). Further, this is still true even if the person has "checked out" of the relationship for a while. However, a small number of you believe that it IS possible to properly grieve a current relationship while still in it especially if you've been checked out of it for a while. I keep asking my therapist if my ex will properly grieve our relationship somewhere down the line and he said probably not. He said that I've broken up with her and rejected her so many times that she's likely to have done all the grieving during those times. When I broke it off with her in April, it was for good but I was there to console her every step for the way for like 2-3 weeks so she was probably grieving then but also had the benefit of my support. I also got back together with her which made the grieving so much easier. The last 2 months of our relationship was so bad that she probably did grieving then as well (because I was rejecting and neglectful) but I was still there to soften the blow and of course, she had also started talking to Bizarro me. I think that I'm starting to believe she has done all the grieving and is completely done with me. Coming to this realization is driving me into a darker and dark place. The psych said just because she's gotten over me doesn't mean she has gotten over her issues or even realizes them because she's just jumping into another relationship in which she is being rejected again. This doesn't help me because she's still done with me. This woman has lied about so many things and isn't right for me but I'm driving myself into a deep darkness over her. I fear I can't drive out. Link to comment
somethngwrng Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 You'll be ok man, pull yourself together. When it's all over and you've moved on you'll end up in a much better place than you were to begin with. Remember that you weren't attracted to her and there were many things you didn't like about her. Your head is just messing with you right now but it's a blessing in disguise. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Everyone says I need to move on and I have no other option but to. This is the reality. However, I don't know if I can. I don't know how to. It's getting worse not better. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Each moment is getting worse. I can't stop thinking about the 45 min drives it'd take to get to her place and seeing her face and hanging out the whole weekend. I can't stop. All the memories are flooding back. I want it back. God dammit I want it back. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 5th day of NC. Felt better after talking to my therapist. Went to work today and felt ok I guess. Feeling down now and missing her again. Really makes no sense though because all the evidence shows that she can't be trusted. My friend told me that she's going to end up being a girl who cheats on her bf when things hit a rough patch and some guy gives her attention at a bar. I don't want to believe this but the evidence supports what my friend is saying. She needs to be needed, can't delay gratification and makes bad decisions. She always swore she'd never cheat but she cheated on me emotionally and left me for another guy and slept with him within a week of meeting him. In her mind, the guy is her bf but she's talking to exes about sex and talking about wanting no strings attached sex with the well hung guy. I guess physical cheating is the next step for her. So why is it that I still want to think the best of her and that all she needs is just some guidance? Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 6th Day NC I've been on a low dose of SSRIs for the past 6 years now and I just upped it yesterday. I feel MUCH worse. I can't stop thinking about all the time we spent together. Logic has been thrown out the window. I don't care that she lied so much about what she wanted to become/change, I don't care that she cheated on me emotionally and left me for dead, I don't care that I can't trust her. I want her back. Please god let me have her back. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 Just remembered another lie of hers. Earlier this year, she was talking to a close guy friend of her's A LOT over messenger. She would shut the window or close her laptop as I walked by. She leaves her messenger signed on on her phone and she was getting messages from him at weird hours and while we were hanging out. She said they have been close friends for years apparently but he moved to the other side of the country a few years ago. She assured me that they are strictly friends, they don't find each other attractive and nothing has ever happened between them. Well a few weeks ago I found out that she had sent him naughty pictures of herself a few years ago. This is where rehashing the past is so dangerous. I keep blaming myself. I wonder if any of her lies and her actions (of seeking other guys) would have happened had I been more loving, more attentive and kinder. The reality is what's done is done and we can't change the past but I'm stuck. I don't care about any of the lies or the bad. I need her back. I'm an addict. This is what it feels like to be addicted to meth. I'm in hell. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted September 30, 2011 Author Share Posted September 30, 2011 Day 7 of NC. Felt bad in the morning, felt better at night. Went to a friend's place to chat. I find it helps talking to someone because it helps drill into me the reality of the situation which is she isn't good for me and I shouldn't want her back. Listening to myself list out the circumstances under which she would come back is quite cringe-worthy. Hopefully I'm turning a corner. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 That's great that you're feeling a bit better!!! Think of all the qualities you want in a woman and whether she was fulfilling them at all! Link to comment
endy Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Unfortunately its a circular cycle abandonment. Give yourself 6 months to a year to heal. You'll feel better before that but there will be days you feel like today, and there will be days you feel like you fell down a flight of stairs. You'll get back up and go back up them again. Then you'll reach the top one day. It takes time and work to heal. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Day 8 of NC. Felt good last night and this morning but started missing her throughout the day. I just want her back. I know that she's making a huge mistake not getting back together with me. She's going to end up with at least 30-40 sexual partners by the time she's 30 hoping that each of the new ones will stick around but none of them will. I promised I'd change and I would have. She has a guy here who's the only one to really care and want to stick around but she engages in a "relationship" with bizarro me - a guy who will end it for good at any moment. Oh well. I really have to stop worrying about her and wanting to save her. Any normal person would close the door on the relationship after an ex betrays you like this but not me lol. I check my phone every night hoping that I receive a text from her saying "I'm so sorry. Can we talk?" Link to comment
MK9 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 hang in there, dude. It took me years to get over a girl, you're on your way. Go to the gym, take a long brisk walk. I am physically fit thanks to her, I ran 3 miles everyday twice. Now I have an awesome body and feel really good. Link to comment
broken bottle Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 God, i read your first post here and i thought - this is my ex describing me and our relationship! I am just like this girl! I am goind to read all of the pages now but just wanted to let you know - you are not alone in this! I am keepig my fingers crossed for you! And for myseld - i am determined to change, to leave the negative, needy, confused girl behind. The worse is that i lost my boy but i guess you must always loose something in order to gain another. Link to comment
broken bottle Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 God, i read your first post here and i thought - this is my ex describing me and our relationship! I am just like this girl! I am goind to read all of the pages now but just wanted to let you know - you are not alone in this! I am keepig my fingers crossed for you! And for myseld - i am determined to change, to leave the negative, needy, confused girl behind. The worse is that i lost my boy but i guess you must always loose something in order to gain another. I read it all. And i was mistaken. i am not like your ex, but like you, lol I was the one who chased him flooded him with emails, facebook stalking even though i knew he is seeing someone new. I used to check his FB page to see if he is at home now or with her. I did that this morning and then i read your story. Several hours not obsessing. Even more not alone in this! I will check regulary here. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 broke bottle, I read your story and I understand all too well how difficult it is to deal with the obsessions. You said therapy isn't popular where you live. Is there anyone that you can still gain access to any therapy? You admit that you have a lot of inner issues to deal with and trust me, it's difficult enough to deal with WITH the help of therapy so trying to go at it alone might not be the best idea. ' I hope you're able to move on better than I have. You're definitely not alone in this. Tons of people on this board feel the same pain that you and I feel. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Just wanted to say that I have finally started to dream about her. I haven't really up to this point but last night I dreamed her coming back to me. This is ridiculous. It's tough enough to deal with these thoughts during the day but at least during the day, there's a possibility of controlling the thoughts. With dreams, I have no control over them and I ended up feeling extremely down after waking up. Will these dreams persist? Seems like I won't get over her if they don't stop Link to comment
endy Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Try clearing your mind before you go to sleep. Dreams can tell us a lot. Start paying attention to what they are telling you. Start by taking an in breath... say I breath in. Then do the same with an out breath. Let yourself breathe naturally. Focus on in, out, in, out. Just focus on those words and that is it. You'll probably have dreams for awhile. They will stop eventually. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Hi endy, I know what the dreams are telling me! They're telling me that I want her back! I fear I won't be able to let go because in my heart, I know there's a decent chance she'll come back. She's super co-dependent and I was by far her longest relationship. We did everything together. We spent all our weekends together and did all the little "husband and wife things" together such as running errands, grocery shopping, sitting around watching tv. She needs someone and only I was that someone. After bizarro me finally gives her the boot or she finally gets tired of his run-arounds, after she gets pumped and dumped by a few more guys, after she finally starts school again in January and gets overwhelmed and fails, after she puts on more weight, after her spending gets more and more out of control and she's in a lot of debt, after her life ends up in more disarray, I feel she'll come back. I was the only person who helped push her and helped her control her lazy, unmotivated, self-destructive ways. I feel that she'll come back when she realizes that I'm the only one who has cared. Either that or she keeps getting used by guy after guy hoping that the next one will stick around only to have them all leave. A couple of my close friends who know the full history and story of her and this situation all concluded that she'll have at least 30-40 sexual partners by the time she hits 30 if she keeps this up. None of them have been discussing my situation with each other but they've all come to the same conclusion. My friend said we're both stupid. I'm stupid for wanting her and not moving on and she's stupid for not realizing that for whatever reason, she has a guy (me) who for some reason actually cares and wants to try to make things work. Maybe the universe is throwing me a bone here and I have a perfect opportunity to rid myself of her but I'm certainly not embracing what everyone is saying is a huge "gift" for me. Link to comment
endy Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 It's going to take you awhile. You won't want her back eventually hopefully. There's other things going on in the dreams most likely that you are not realizing. Dreams are usually symbols and messages. I bet the dreams are telling you that you need part of your "self" back. Look at how you just described her above. That's not love man. Give yourself time and a lot of it to move on. It doesn't happen overnight. When someone isn't going through the same thing as you it's not easy to understand, even when they themselves may have been through it before. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Hi endy, I don't know what it is I feel for her. Respect has to be there for love to exist right? Well I don't really respect her but I care about her well being almost more than my own! Yes, that's co-dependency but is that not a form of love? I hope too that I won't want her back. Like I said, a large part of not being able to let go is the belief that she'll come back. Heck, even reading your story reinforces my belief that she'll come back. I know you said chances aren't good but I choose to look at that as you helping me move on. Your ex left you for her ex with whom she shared a lengthy history. Your ex has a lot of issues. I take that as well, my ex will come back too! My therapist said sure there's a chance she'll come back but that's beside the point. He said I shouldn't want her back an in the meanwhile what am I going to do? I can't sit around and let her drag me down to her level. Said I need to build something for myself. He said the hope of her coming back in the future is destroying me in the present. All true but I don't care. I want her back. Link to comment
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