How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many

[somethngwrng]

I don't know what to think right now. I'm not really that set-back in my recovery per se, but tons of thoughts are racing through my head. I wonder if she's still doing him. I wonder if he finally has agreed to be her boyfriend. I wonder if they're completely done. I wonder if she misses the companionship we had because I spent almost all my weekends with her and if I spent one night with my friends, she would really miss me. I wonder if she's ok with him not spending tonight with her. I wonder what she was doing tonight. I wonder if she'll ever contact me.

She sort've sounds like my ex in that fashion. Though my ex treated me like complete dog crap, she would get upset and lonely if I left her alone for even a few hours. She was extremely needy. So I wonder if she really does miss me - we spent literally all of our waking hours talking every single day and she makes it seem so easy to completely cut contact, so suddenly.

 

17 days NC is great. You should be proud of yourself. I'm back to day 1 after making a stupid mistake and asking for her to spend the night with me.

[Alison245]

"I think in my mind, I've begin to accept that NC is for my healing and not to get her back. I just need to keep plugging through no matter how hard it gets"

 

You've nailed it! Its a win win situation (how im having to convinve myself to get through this dark time too!) because on one hand, you healing, repairing, reflecting, improving your body and cracking open your mind is only going to make you less frightened of yourself and help you know your potential in life as you should feel so proud of getting through this, seriously, you should be proud of your progress! So even if rekindling the relationship has sailed once you are back on your feet, you at least will be stronger and more intune with yourself for future relationships.

 

Although I pine for my ex - I am slowly coming through the haze to see that I must repair and look after myself. You must too, no person is EVER worth unravelling into a pit of destruction.

 

Keep going!!

[SorrowandPain]

Today has been really tough. I only had a few drinks last night but because I'm taking a high dose of SSRIs you're not really supposed to drink alcohol when on them to begin with. This high dose plus the alcohol made me feel depressed last night and all of today especially right now. It doesn't help that I saw "Bizarro Me" last night and it's a long weekend where I live (I've spent this holiday with her for the past 2 years). I don't even know how Vegas will work if I can't drink.

 

I just really miss what I had with her. I better not break NC.

[somethngwrng]

Today has been really tough. I only had a few drinks last night but because I'm taking a high dose of SSRIs you're not really supposed to drink alcohol when on them to begin with. This high dose plus the alcohol made me feel depressed last night and all of today especially right now. It doesn't help that I saw "Bizarro Me" last night and it's a long weekend where I live (I've spent this holiday with her for the past 2 years). I don't even know how Vegas will work if I can't drink.

 

I just really miss what I had with her. I better not break NC.

As the moron who broke it today.. only 4 days into break up.. don't do it. Every word from her with be another knife through the heart. Why are you on SSRIs? Did you start taking them post break up or have you been on them for a while? Do you really need them or could you wean yourself off for when you goto Vegas? Miss what you had... but remember that she's not the answer to your problems. She's the cause!

 

I admire you for making it 17 days, I really can't wait to be there.

[SorrowandPain]

18th day. I've been on a low dose of SSRIs for years because of my dysthymia (prolonged minor depression). The dose has been jacked up because of this break up. Going off of them now would be a bad idea. To properly wean yourself off of it, it'd take months anyways considering how long I've been on it.

 

Had dreams about her but can't remember what they were about. I guess I've regressed a bit because I feel like crap today and I'm pining for her again. I keep wondering how she's doing, if she misses me, if she'll come back etc. I want to smash my head through a window and just make the thoughts stop.

[SorrowandPain]

You are welcome to post your stories in my thread but you might get more responses if you started you own. What are you currently going through? I'm on pills so I am about to pass out right now.

 

thanks for your words of encouragement!

[RubyWoo]

Had dreams about her but can't remember what they were about. I guess I've regressed a bit because I feel like crap today and I'm pining for her again. I keep wondering how she's doing, if she misses me, if she'll come back etc. I want to smash my head through a window and just make the thoughts stop.

 

*HUGS MEGA HUGS*

 

I feel the same way, we knowhow you're feeling... wish there was something I could say to make it better, but you know I'm in the same boat. Obsessive thoughts are horrible...

[Alison245]

 

 

Not sure if the link to my previous post about whats been going on in my situation - but to be honest I feel like Im in a far brighter place at the moment and re reading has helped me see how far I have come since that tumbling down the rabbit hole type feeling!

 

 

Hope you've been doing ok today?? How you holding up?

[SorrowandPain]

Day 19 of full NC. Thanks for all the encouragement everyone. It's reassuring to know that others have been in/are currently in the state of mind I'm occupying. *hugs back* to Ruby

 

Alison, to know that you're doing much better after such a long relationship gives hope to all of us. I presume that you have remained NC since the time of your post?

 

I am feeling better today but I am starting to feel anger and resentment towards her. I know I have to let go of these feelings but for now, it's what I feel. My mind runs in circles thinking of circumstances under which she would come back or not come back. I don’t know what’s going on with her and Bizarro Me. I would have to presume that things aren’t going well but she might be hanging on to him for dear life offering him sex and what not. Seeing him at a club on the weekend leads me to assume he’s not serious about her or he’s already given her the boot. But again, I can’t know for sure.

 

I keep wondering if she misses me. She eventually will miss me I guess or she will just jump from rebound to rebound. Even if that’s the case, I was with her for 2 years (by far her longest and only real relationship) and we did EVERYTHING together and she relied on me so much. We did all the little husband and wife things such as grocery shopping, shopping, cooking, lazing around watching tv etc. I know she’ll miss all that. She is really needy and co-dependent. She even said to her ex from 5 years ago (in a conversation she had with him a few months ago, which I mentioned in this thread) that she really needs the companionship aspect of a relationship. She’s going to have a really tough time finding someone who will do all the little things with her and spend so much time with her. She often worked until 1am and I would pick her up from work and spend the night/weekend with her. Clearly Bizarro Me isn’t doing that for her. She’s not going to find that because guys just pump and dump her.

 

It’s really stupid of me to want her back though. The only way she’d come back is if she is lonely and things are faltering in her life. I know she will struggle at community college if she actually enrolls. I told her that I’d help her learn how to study and motivate her etc. I know she won’t find someone else who will do that for her. Maybe she’ll come back if she doesn’t find a guy who will stick around. But really, why would I want her back then? Do I hate myself so much that I need to collect other men’s refuse? I just need to remind myself that she is no good for me. A future with her would yield me a lot of frustration and pain and she would only bring me down. She is a liar, irresponsible, unmotivated, lazy and not intelligent enough for me. I had to be her life coach. She would look towards me for everything. A power imbalance like this can’t work in a relationship. I can't save her. This is the stone cold truth.

 

With that said, I need to let go of my anger and resentment. I almost want her to fail and then come crawling back so I can tell her “I told you so. You * * * * ed up, left me for someone else, left me for dead when I promised you the world so go * * * * yourself.” But what good does it do to hold onto these feelings? I should let her go with love and hope she finds her way. It’s just hard to do so when she was so cold and malicious during our breakup. I mentioned this earlier but she gets stressed really easily and needs to vent/rant about things. I always listened and offered advice. She tried to rant/vent with Bizarro Me and he just shuts down and says “OK. CONVERSATION OVER.” She told me when I found out about him that “He’s everything to me that you never were!” Right you are ex. Right you are.

[Filc77]

Hey-

Ive been reading your post from start to up to now...

all i can say is, i 2 have been going through BU - and its been hell. Having ur life being a shake up and thrown in little pieces to puzzle back together. its been a month for me... and missed work, eating habits were no way near for a appetite , and just no sleep and everyday thinking about her and the situation.

all i can say is... that's the past, its Oct 11th and i am a little better...

 

It wouldn't hurt to check out Opra's new life class.. seriously .Information and connecting with others and bringing yourself to a new way is the best . The more focusing on the negatives wont bring her back... could u imagine that? The more on the past..she is moving forward, while the past keeps u there. If theres any chance.. u have to move forward. A hope for everything, because nothing is written for us..we create what we create. And just around the corner , u dont know if something better for u is awaiting. Take a chance.. u sure dont have anything to lose in going to the webcast... check it out... everyday take a step towards a mile, not a 100 miles. U have to be confidant. No one wants someone whos not and feels sorry for themselves.

[Alison245]

You know we can all only speak our own opinions on here so for what its worth i reckon anger is just the next step of the journey. LIke you say, you cant stay mad forever but its ok to just be in the moment and be angry - safely knowing that you want to move on from this emotion but for the time being use it to help make distance between yourself and her and your past relationship. Its a process that we're all going through and the best way I've found is to liken it to grieving after a death really! Allow that time and the cycle of grief to roll through.

 

You should be pleased with 19 days no contact - sounds as though you have turned a corner I've sadly had less NC ... more like LC due to having to sort out our apartment but we have a mutual desire to leave each other alone now, for the sake of mone and his mental health!! I was a raging mess - occasionally still get these moments of wanting to kick/ punch / run until my lungs burst but I have chanelled it into running or long walks with the ipod on. Nice bit of metallica and a jog burns off all that nasty stuff!

 

It must be really hard knowing that shes been knocking around with someone else - especially as he doesnt exactly seem like he has the best intentions for her which will hurt you even if you have let her go as its normal to still care. It must be difficult too thinking of if she came back, how you would shake the feeling of her 'crawling back to you' because things didnt work out. I guess thats why so much time has to pass and you have to heal yourself as then you know your mind and feel secure in yourslef and your thoughts and actions. A friend of mine was dumped horrifically by her fella to only find out hes been with someone else - on reflection she is now wishing he would come back to her simply so she can tell him to get lost - It sounds like a completely normal desire - and oddl I suppose a sign that you are accepting and taking off the rose tinted specs that we are all guilty of wearing post breakup whereby our exes seem like he only person we could ever ever be with and they were perfect for us.....wrong Sounds like you are doing so well!

[endy]

Anger is part of the circular cycle of abandonment. Don't worry about it. It's normal. Just embrace it and allow yourself to feel it. Sometimes you'll feel sad, depressed, alone. Sometimes you'll feel you don't need her. Sometimes you'll be really pissed. Sometimes you'll blame yourself... Also, those cycles above don't have to go in order. They jump back and forth and can be sporadic.

 

Until... you see the light. Which is the lifting stage. Sometimes you revert back down for awhile, but finally you pull yourself out of that dark cave you've been in and the light stays. It takes awhile. It can take a year and a half. It's taken me that long before.

 

I don't think it will take any of you that long because you found this forum. There's plenty of TRUE knowledge and help on here to get your through it faster. Life's a journey... we learn as we go. Experiences and the people in them are put in our lives for a specific reason. It's not to cause you pain and suffering. Although a lot of them do, it's necessary to learn what we learn. Keep that in mind when you're in pain. When you can't eat. When you are fighting through it.

[SorrowandPain]

Day 20 of full NC

 

Flic,

 

Thanks for checking in. I appreciate your comments and hope you’re getting better too. How long have you two been together?

 

Alison,

 

I’m really amazed by how well you’re handling things. You and your ex have been together for much longer than I was with my ex, you’re forced to have LC but you seem like you’re dealing with it so well. For me, it’s almost 3 months since the BU and 2.5 months since I found out about her emotional cheating and leaving me for another guy and I don’t think I’m where you’re at mentally. Granted, I haven’t really been NC because I was accessing her facebook and all and I contacted her 20 or so days ago but I have made a lot of progress. My thoughts aren’t as dark I guess (or they don’t recur as frequently) and I don’t pine for her as much I suppose. The majority of my thoughts are still about her though. I would hesitate to say that I’m doing so well or that I’m turning a corner. I really worry that I’ll relapse again.

 

Endy,

 

Thanks again for checking up. I certainly am jumping from phase to phase. I just have to keep NC (even though it’s been really tough this evening or every evening). I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle a year and a half of this. But of course, I’m in a better place now than I was 20 days ago.

 

Anyways, I’ve been eating well, back to hitting the gym, and planning for my trip to Vegas for Halloween but I still think about her during the majority of my day. Most of the thoughts are seeded in anger and resentment and wanting her to fail so she can realize how much she needs me but now I’m starting to realize that I am missing her and pining for her in the evening or when I’m not doing anything. This evening, I’ve been thinking of a weekend trip we went on together during the first year of our relationship for my birthday. It was a really great trip (although we fought right before it because she was so unreasonable). It hurts me to think that she possibly doesn’t hold it dear to her heart anymore. It hurts me to think that she has moved on. I think back to the texts I sent her 20+ days ago and she asked me “Haven’t you moved on yet?” I think “well maybe she truly has moved on” but then I rationalize and think “well she has her rebound to worry about and people need time and space to miss you.” Hell, perhaps the rebound relationship is already dead? The fact of the matter is, I won’t know the answers to these questions and knowing won’t change anything.

 

I have an itch to look at her facebook profile picture just to get a glimpse into her life. I also want to access her email. These urges aren’t nearly as strong as they were before but they’re still there. I know I can’t cave into them because if I do, I’ll just rip apart the healing wounds. I find that whenever I think about negative thoughts, self defeating thoughts, or am in self doubt, I pine for her more. She was a security blanket of sorts. Her needing me made me feel important. I guess I have to work on erasing the self doubt and self-defeating attitude instead of relying on someone else. Easier said than done.

 

My dad doesn’t think she’ll come back because he thinks that because she had to “change” and pretend to be something she wasn’t to keep me around, she was unhappy and it was really hard for her. He thinks because of this, she won’t come back. He does make a great point but then I think “well, we were together for about 2 years, she’s really needy and I was always there and the only guy who didn’t treat her like a joke (aside from her first bf when she was 15ish), I acted as a parent/life coach of sorts and counselled her on everything, so when she fails in life as I know she will, she’ll HAVE to come back.” If she actually goes to community college, she’ll really struggle and I highly doubt any guy will support her and aid her like I would have. Everyone keeps telling me that the her now is who she really is but I just can't believe that. I want to believe that she wants to better herself and that it wasn't all a charade to keep me around. I want to believe that she'll come to her senses. I want to believe that she needs me. BUT REALLY, WHY CAN’T I STOP WONDERING IF SHE’LL COME BACK!?!?!? WHO REALLY CARES!? I keep saying the same things over and over again. I keep saying how she’ll come back IF/WHEN her life falls apart and she’ll need comfort and guidance. Why would I want this?

[endy]

you won't. Give it time. You're starting to realize it wouldn't be a good decision. Try and stop your mind when you think these things and live more in the moment. Concentrate on your breath, and then all your senses. What do you see, what do you hear etc.

[The Man Who]

Hi Sorrow,

 

Endy is absolutely right - at this present moment she doesn't need you, focus on yourself and how you can fill your life with things you want to do now. IF she does come back, then think about it when if occurs but until then focus on you. If you think about her, quickly think of things you are grateful for in life, such as a loving family, great friends, beautiful town/city you live in etc. No matter how bad the situation there are always positives to take from it, you need to think of the positives in your situation and build upon them. Don't get stuck thinking about the past and the future just now, live in the present and enjoy it

[SorrowandPain]

Day 23 of full NC.

 

Again, thanks for all the comments.

 

I haven't posted in a few days because I'm sick and tired of posting and talking about it. I still go through the same feelings but I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over again. Perhaps this is another step in the moving on process?

[MK9]

ur doing great, man

[SorrowandPain]

I wouldn't say I'm doing great. I'm definitely better than I was 23 days ago but weekends are tough. I'm really missing the companionship I had with her. I just want to go back to before all this happened, before I found out all the lies and deceit. At moments like this, I'm holding onto an entity that doesn't exist. I'm holding onto all the promises she made but never came through on. I'm holding onto the what she claimed she wanted to do for herself and improve on - things that were all empty promises to keep me around on. I'm holding onto the fake persona.

 

Last night I felt triumphant. I believed I wasn't fully in the wrong. I realize how neglectful I was at times and how bad our relationship was at the end but I truly believed last night that I was a fool to take all the blame. When she said it was my fault and I "drove her" to another guy, I begged and pleaded and internalized all the fault. Last night I truly realized that ultimately, she was the one who chose to be deceitful by cooking something up for weeks with someone else behind my back. She chose to cheat emotionally. Unfortunately, I went from feeling relief and triumph to feeling like I do today. One day at a time I suppose.

[MK9]

no, no, you're doing great. If I was there, I would've shake your hand, pin a sticker on you, and congratulate you. You fighting on of the most painful battle in life, you deserves tons of accolades.

 

keep up the good work!

[SorrowandPain]

Day 24 full NC.

 

Thanks for the encouragement MK9.

 

Feel like crap today. Had dreams about her last night. I have strong urges to check her facebook profile picture too just to get a glimpse into her life. Moving on is tough.

[veneratio]

I've been dealing with the bolded part over the past couple of weeks. I bought into her bs justifications and believed that I drove her to another guy. What a joke. She drove herself to another guy. "had things not have been bad between us I wouldn't have gone to him" Right. That's why when things were good between us, you still chose to hang out with a guy that refused to respect me or your relationship which led to things getting bad. She chose it, not me. She chose to keep seeing him behind my back. Despite her "confusion" and my requests. You're on the right track, it might not seem like it, but as time goes on you'll have more and more realizations like this and it wont take such a toll on you. You'll get there. It's tough, but well worth it for yourself. Hang in there.

[SorrowandPain]

Sorry you had to go through betrayal like that. How long ago was your break up?

 

I’m angry right now because I deserved so much more than what she did to me. We had so much history together and I was always there for her even though our relationship was really bad at the end and I’ve done and said some pretty terrible things to her. She should have had a chat with me and told me that the relationship wasn’t working and unless we fix x,y,z, we should end it. I deserved that much. I wanted out and I kept telling her that after I took her back that final time but I didn’t deserve what happened.

 

I refuse to believe that she’s a bad person and I still think she has a good heart deep down so one day, hopefully it’ll hit her. Hopefully she’ll feel extreme guilt over how she handled things. Hopefully she’ll need me back but then it’ll be too late. Of course, for me, I need to be able to let go and not hope for any of that stuff but I’m not there yet.

[SorrowandPain]

Inebriated me talking: good luck finding someone who'll sleep around with you and stick around. i stuck around for 2 years because we both had such an intense connection. You told me that you'll never experience a connection like this again. Guess what? You let me for someone else and while I begging and offering what you wanted from me in a relationship, you said it's too little too late. I would have made good on all my promises too. But now, I'm gone. You weren't good for me. I tried to save you but you lied too much about/to yourself. you have no sense of self or direction. Good luck finding someone who truly wanted it to make it work. when you come and beg I know all of your lies. i have all the information. You will be able to break down my weak defenses against you. My defense is a mountain of your lies. You walked away with another? well suffer the consequences of not having me. I offered you the world.

[veneratio]

I'm sorry you had to as well. Hate for anyone to experience anything even remotely similar. It was 3 months ago, almost 4 I think.

 

You have every right to be angry regarding how things were handled. No one deserves that. There's always a better way to deal with things, but lying, cheating, already having someone lined up...just low. I don’t know how else to describe it. There are tons of other ways to handle relationships and break ups rather than go down that shady route. That anger fades, though. I know I can sound bitter, but I'm nowhere near being as angry about it as I was.

 

I don't believe my ex is a bad person, either. I know she's not. I know that she has a good heart as well, and I pray that he looks after it and takes care of it. She deserves that. And yes, like you, I do hope she feels guilty about how she handled things one day and realizes her wrongs. Not for my benefit, but because no one should think its ok or be ok with treating someone in that manner. It doesn't make you a bad person to break up with someone, everyone deserves happiness, so by all means go and try to find it, but there's no excuse to be dirty and heartless about it. But I try not to place a priority on whether or not she ever feels guilty about it, because she may never feel guilt, she may never see her actions as being wrong, and even if she does what difference would it make? I’ll never know. But I do hope that she took something positive away from the relationship, I do hope that she can grow and I do hope that she treats this guy right.

 

You’ve gotta forgive. I know a lot of people here have a problem with that, that forgiving isn’t a part of healing. But by forgiving I don’t mean accepting that what they did was ok, I mean understanding her the best that you can. You don’t know exactly why she treated you the way she did and I don’t know exactly why my ex did. We’ll never know. We’ll never know what truly went on in their minds and how they were really feeling. But understand that for whatever reason, that was the best that she could do at the time. I don’t know your ex, but I know mine. And after going to therapy and having to reflect on my issues and how I deal with things, I understand her better. I know my ex has issues with attention. I know she likes attention and I know she likes it a little too much. Specifically male attention. I know that her parents didn’t have the best relationship while she was growing up and I know that her relationship with her dad wasn’t that great. I don’t know the specifics, but that takes a toll on a person. It affects them. That forms how they deal with their problems, whether in a healthy manner or not. Does this excuse her actions or make them ok? No. Not by any means, but until she recognizes why she acts and reacts the way she does, she can’t learn to react any differently. And the same goes for your ex.

 

Her actions don’t reflect on your value as a person. I know you never touched on that subject, but I know I felt that way. And it made me so angry and bitter. Made it so hard for me to continue to heal.

 

And yeah, again, you don’t deserve what happened. But you do deserve to be good to yourself. She wasn’t good for you? Then you be good for you. Save you. Keep going to the gym, pick up another hobby, go out and have fun. Keep bettering yourself. And it’s good to get your anger out, to get the pain out, but if you can, while you’re in a moment of anger or pain, just ask yourself why? Do I really have to be angry? I mean..you don’t even have to answer those questions, but I’ve found that once I stopped myself and recognized my anger..that I didn’t really have to be..I became angrier less and less, and the intensity of it also became less. But time and working on things to regain your confidence, i.e. working out, hands on hobbies, going out and meeting new people, guys and gals alike..just experiencing new things…all of that helps so much. I know you know this. Just reiterating.

 

Stay strong, man. You’re bigger than this and you’ll push through.

[endy]

That is one of the best posts I've seen in a long time. It's almost exactly the process that I went through. I had to understand myself, know that I wasn't perfect. Know that sure I am at a different place spiritually than her, but I was once where she was as well. I will never know how her mind functions but I know her childhood made her who she is and it effected her more than I could ever know. It causes you to have compassion. You can forgive, and not forget. Just try and accept the experience and know she has got to learn from it eventually. Just like you do, and when you finally see it that way... you start to grow and better yourself.