How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many

[SorrowandPain]

Too much focus on her. Not enough on you. I don't think this has anything to do with going with your heart; I don't think "hearts" lead people to unhealthy relationships. I think unhealthy mindsets do. I think you should consider therapy and spend some time understanding why you are so attracted to toxicity.

 

I already am in therapy By all means I'm sure my psych is a good one but at this point, I think I'm just screwed. I just hope I can make it through this. Last time was so painful. Not sure if you read my last update in that thread but she called me a few nights ago. She's just such a cruel person who doesn't care about the feelings of others and I'm so dumb for not just being able to let go.

[SorrowandPain]

Here's my plan of attack: I will take this day by day. I will resist any urges to contact her, look at her facebook profile or any thing of the sort. It will help immensely this time not knowing her password. I will continue my day to day activities and try to work a few extra hours at work. I will tell my psych I want 2 sessions a week. I will look for a new hobby. I will give myself 100 days of this and if I am still in pain like this, I'll have to take some drastic measures. I'm going to do this right because I owe it to my family and friends who have been so damn good to me. But at the same time, i can't suffer forever and if 100 days of full NC doesn't reduce my sadness and pain by at least 50%, I'm done.

[Ms Darcy]

I am not responding to the "she's cruel" stuff because it's not worth it and it feeds into a victim mentality. You control the interaction with her. Choose not to interact.

 

I think the plan of attack is a good one except for the drastic measures. This all comes down to your mindset and your self-control. You need to learn to master your thinking and that takes time.

[SorrowandPain]

Makes sense to take control of the situation rather than dwell on what has happened to me. Sure isn't easy to do though.

 

I know some people on the forum believe in cosmic energies and the universe giving you what you need but I don't believe in that at all. However, perhaps this is a 2nd chance for me to rid myself of her. My dad has always told me that staying with someone this dishonest and someone who can't even take care of herself will just lead me to a life of misery. I probably would have married her even though she had so many attributes that I found utterly unacceptable so I guess this is a second chance to be free from her toxicity.

[Ms Darcy]

The toxicity is not her. It is a dynamic created between the two of you and both of you contributed to it.

 

I am not sure what you mean about the cosmic energies comment.

 

I think no matter what one believes, it is pretty generic to say that your mindset and self-control affects your life. What you want, "healing" "happiness" "moving on" etc is all determined by you because you are the only one who can say when you have indeed moved on. As you start working on your mindset (and part of that starts with the way you talk about the situation), you will start to heal yourself.

[SorrowandPain]

Rough day so far. I normally would have woken up with her today so it hurts.

 

To be honest, a part of me hasn't accepted that it's over. A part of me still holds on to the hope that she'll call me up and tell me she made a huge mistake and won't go to Asia. I probably would have felt this way anyways but her phone call the other night telling me she feels like she's making a huge mistake and she loves me so much and cares for me so much has really messed me up.

 

In my texts I sent her yesterday, I reminded her how deep of a depression I fell into last year when she left and how close I was to taking drastic measures. I first told her about this stuff after we got back together and she always swore she wouldn't ever hurt me like that again, was soooo sorry. I said in the texts "You asked me during the phone call if I'd be okay? No I won't. I feel like I'm heading down that dark path again and once you leave, I'm going to end this pain. I can't go through that again."

 

I wasn't bluffing. She didn't respond. I also asked her for the first time not to go. I said if she wants to see the world, I'll take 2 months with her to do it. No response.

 

Why am I so hung up over someone who clearly doesn't care about me? I want this pain to stop. 99 more days to go.

[Ms Darcy]

Make sure you keep up no contact. Also suggest reading books on healing from a break up.

[SorrowandPain]

Ms. Darcy,

 

I did read books last time around. Didn't really help to be honest. I mean it gave me more insight into WHY I was feeling the heartbreak but it didn't help. Last time my NC attempt was crappy because I had her facebook password and I couldn't stop looking. I did stop for a bit but being able to read her thoughts etc and stuff she did with the other guy really gutted me. As well, last time I truly took 100% of the blame. At least this time I don't but that's not to say I don't have some regrets.

 

I know I keep going back to this but I just can't understand how she could do this to me. I really can't. She made her feelings seem so real. I miss that comfort with her. I want this pain to stop. Please let it stop.

[Ms Darcy]

Get off the computer and go for a run. Don't let yourself think about it for now.

[ps1111]

honestly, i'm confused. and partly offended by your thread title.

 

my girlfriend just broke up with me after 5 years. she left me for someone else. i was there for her for 5 years. never broke up with her, or hurt her. always wanted to make her happy.

 

 

yet YOUR thread title is, "how can someone leave me after I was there for them so many times?".. judging by your posts, you WEREN'T there for her all the time. I'm not saying she should have left your, or vice versa, I'm just saying don't paint yourself in this "i got screwed over, and i was always there for her" light, when that's not what you did. you did plenty of things to hurt her.

[SorrowandPain]

honestly, i'm confused. and partly offended by your thread title.

 

my girlfriend just broke up with me after 5 years. she left me for someone else. i was there for her for 5 years. never broke up with her, or hurt her. always wanted to make her happy.

 

 

yet YOUR thread title is, "how can someone leave me after I was there for them so many times?".. judging by your posts, you WEREN'T there for her all the time. I'm not saying she should have left your, or vice versa, I'm just saying don't paint yourself in this "i got screwed over, and i was always there for her" light, when that's not what you did. you did plenty of things to hurt her.

 

I don't think you're reading the thread correctly. I took ownership of what I did in our first relationship. She left me last year in Jul 2011 for someone else. We got back together in Nov 2011 and she has left me again last week. This 2nd time I HAVE been there for her the whole time. I haven't been perfect and there have been a bunch of rocky patches but I have been much better and things have been good so this was out of the blue especially when up until the day she broke up with me, she told me every single day how much she loves and misses me.

 

So while I appreciate how hurt you're feeling, please don't marginalize how I'm feeling because you don't know what has happened.

[SorrowandPain]

Get off the computer and go for a run. Don't let yourself think about it for now.

 

I can't. I just want to sleep and die right now.

[SorrowandPain]

I'm not sure what's wrong with me and why I can't just accept that she's not to be trusted and just move on. I went back and read some of my posts from last year in this thread and here's one from when we were in the process of getting back together in Nov (post 335)

 

 

 

This person has done nothing but lie to me and yet I'm feeling like I can't go on because she left me AGAIN? What's wrong with me. Seriously. What's wrong with me. Why do I miss her so much? Why do I still want to believe she's not a liar and that she actually loves me and will "smarten up"?

 

I want to bash my head in right now. I just want this to go away. What have I done to deserve this?

[SorrowandPain]

I'm just laying in bed right now thinking of that phone call when she called me a few nights ago. She was crying and said: "What do I do about your retainer containers? I can't bring myself to throw them away." We had a joke that I would take my many retainer containers and put them in her washroom and she would keep putting them in my backpack before I went home. It was my way of letting her know that I was committed to her because I wanted to keep stuff there.

 

Now thinking about this I'm crying. I can't take it. Why did she do this to me? Why she did call me only to plant seeds in my head that she could possibly realize that she's making a huge mistake. Why did she call crying to know if I'm ok and when she got her answer -no, I most definitely won't be ok- she just ignores me.

 

I won't make it to 100 days.

[SorrowandPain]

[ x ] Lifted weights today

[ x ] Ate enough food

[ x ] Got out of the house and went to a friend's house to talk

 

Almost the end of day 1 of the 100 day plan. 99 more days to go...

[SorrowandPain]

Start of day 2 of full NC/100 day plan.

 

Has been super rough today. I can't let go. I'm still trying to understand how she could do this to me and lie so much. Still trying to understand why she's leaving me to die. Still trying to understand why I can't accept it and move on.

[SorrowandPain]

Day 3. A little easier today but no where near in the clear. Only option is to keep moving along. Therapist appt is tomorrow.

[SorrowandPain]

Almost done with day 3. Still thinking about her lots but a lot of the thoughts are about all the lies she has told me not just before the 1st breakup, but after we got back together. Here's another gem for you guys and gals if anyone is actually reading my pathetic musings:

 

A few months into our relationship the first time around (so about 2 years ago) she told me that a guy she used to sleep with contacted her recently to get involved in a credit card scam thing. I told her to immediately cut off all contact with this guy otherwise I'm out because I don't want to be associating with petty criminals so she blocked him on messenger and facebook or whatever (or so she claimed).

 

Fast forward to New Years of this year -so about 2 months after we got back together- I did some snooping on her Facebook (ya I know, not the coolest thing to do but I didn't trust her after she left me for another guy) and it seemed like she had a recent convo with this low level criminal but deleted her messages and the guy had sent her a message in response to something she had said. The time stamp was dated at around New Years. I confronted her about it and she was adamant that it was a facebook glitch and she hadn't talked to him in a long, long time. Then she changed her story and said she was sending everyone a contact request on BBM and then she changed her story after that again. She made it seem so convincing. I didn't really believe her but I guess I was in denial. She said she would never lie to me again. We all know how that turned out.

 

This person is a habitual liar, constantly makes bad decisions and can't be trusted. So why do I miss her so much? Why do I still want to believe she's not the bad person her actions have shown she is? I stopped snooping at least 4 months ago because I trusted her again. I wonder how much she has hidden from me.

[SorrowandPain]

Day 4:

 

Saw my therapist today and it wasn't helpful at all. In fact, he's gone all of next week and I basically spent the whole session today giving him a recap of what happened.

 

Has been pretty tough today probably because I didn't get enough sleep. It seems like it's been an eternity since she broke up with me but then I realize I've only started no contact 4 days ago.

[SorrowandPain]

Day 5.

 

Had dreams of her last night and also dreamed I broke NC by looking at her FB. Good thing that didn't happen.

 

Is anyone even reading this stuff? Perhaps this is so pathetic no one wants to waste their time on it.

[SorrowandPain]

Guess no one is reading or no one cares. Oh well. I just keep posting my musings here and keep track of the days.

 

I did a bend in NC today by looking up her account on an internet site that we both frequent. At the time of the breakup, I asked her to do 2 small things to help me have a chance to heal:

 

1. Set her facebook profile to searchable only by friends of friends/have her facebook profile pic and profile to be viewed only by friends

2. Delete the account on the site we both frequent and make a new one so I can't search her. I felt that this request was not unreasonable because she doesn't even have 10 posts using this account name so it's not like she has extensive history with it and it's super easy to delete the account.

 

After what she did and knowing how heartbroken I am and what happened last time, the reasonable thing would have been to at least do the 2nd request but no, she did not. My heart did jump when I saw that she made a couple recent posts (not related to me) but I will not be making that "mistake" again. This person is just awful. After what I did for her this year, I can't believe she can't even do something small for me.

[SorrowandPain]

Kind of cracking up right now. She told me every day "I love you sooooo much." The last time she called me, she said "I hope you can one day realize how much I love and care for you." But when I ask her to do me some simple favors to help me recover? She doesn't even do them.

 

My initial hope is one day she will realize what she lost and then she'll try to come back but I'll kick her to the curb after going over every lie she's ever told me and how heartless she's been to me during our 2 breakups. But upon further thought, I should just want to heal enough to be able to move on to a place where I won't have any resentment should she try to come back; but instead be completely at peace and have moved on from her.

[SorrowandPain]

Day 6:

 

Still can't believe she didn't even extend me a small gesture of kindness. What kind of person is she? How did she manage to pull the wool over my eyes for so long? I still can't believe it and I'm still trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.

[SorrowandPain]

Well, the weekend again and I feel so incredibly lonely. I always felt so safe with her but judging by her actions and lies, nothing was real. My therapist says otherwise but I think he's wrong. Can't believe it has only been 6 days since full NC.

[SorrowandPain]

Day 7. She sent me a text while I was sleeping. I'll be ignoring it.