How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many

[SorrowandPain]

I hope things work out, although I think this is a toxic relationship. But, I thought you dumped her and then she went out with the other guy? I don't quite understand how it's turned into her leaving you for someone else? I think you want her back so you can be the one to leave her, to be honest - does that sound possible?

 

No, I broke up with her in April, she convinced me to get back together with her and we were back to together in late May/early June. Our relationship was at an all time low when we go back together and she ended up talking to Bizarro Me on facebook for a few weeks before meeting up with him and then dumping me that same night.

 

All,

 

I know everyone on here thinks this is a mistake as do my friends and therapist but I don't think I can hit more rock bottom than I currently was. We talked through a lot of things that we both need to work on and I hope it'll work out. I will say that I am very apprehensive about this because there are so many trust issues now. I told her that if we can't forgive each other, then it won't work and we'll have to separate. I dunno, I was a bad boyfriend a lot of the time but I'm going to do my best this time around. I'll keep this updated.

 

Thanks everyone.

[chitown9]

 

I know everyone on here thinks this is a mistake as do my friends and therapist but I don't think I can hit more rock bottom than I currently was. We talked through a lot of things that we both need to work on and I hope it'll work out. I will say that I am very apprehensive about this because there are so many trust issues now. I told her that if we can't forgive each other, then it won't work and we'll have to separate. I dunno, I was a bad boyfriend a lot of the time but I'm going to do my best this time around. I'll keep this updated.

 

 

All I can say to that is OMG!....

[MK9]

we all need second chance in life.

[endy]

we all need second chance in life.

 

No, we all have infinite chances IMO in life, not necessarily with one person if you are describing your life as just this physical existence. This is a choice because we have free will. A choice of ignoring the pain and suffering that was caused by the experience, telling him to grow. All he is doing is preventing his personal and self growth. So be it. We all need to learn through experience. Hopefully it works out for them.

 

What pain and suffering signals is wrong choice or belief, and unfortunately he's sticking with a choice that he has made many times before. Using someone for happiness, when in all reality it comes from within and from growth. Operating out of fight or flight is never a good choice unless your life is in immediate danger. That is why people go back, and go from relationship to relationship. Fight or flight. You are doing something that will negate the pain, but because there are still corrupt beliefs in the mind... there will be more. This is the ultimate lesson. Until those slivers are removed from the mind (recognizing them + dealing with them = growth) the results will most likely be the same. Which equals more pain and suffering. It is his choice to do this. So be it. The pain usually gets worse and worse until we can't take it anymore, it causes dis-ease eventually and we die.

[veneratio]

Alright sorrow, I wish your choice was a different one, but I understand it. I hope the best for you and I hope it works out for the better.

[SorrowandPain]

I have been mulling over the trust issue and I don't know how to improve it. I guess the trust is a fundamental problem. What is reasonable for me to expect here? Would I be too controlling if I ask her to delete/block Bizarro Me from her facebook?

 

Ugh I don't know what I'm doing. Everyone tells me this is a terrible idea and logically I know it is too.

[endy]

You have no reason to trust her. That's part of a breakup. Mutual trust is gone. It's damn near impossible to get back. That's why before reconciliation takes place... it's nice if two people take time apart without other partners to heal. If not, then it usually has a snow flakes chance in hell. No trust = poison to a relationship. Why would you ask her to block or delete anyone from facebook? She has free will, she needs to be able to do as she pleases. If you can't allow her to do that, the relationship is not going to work. If you know it's a terrible idea logically... then it's not going to work. Logical needs, emotional needs, and sexual attraction need to be present for a relationship to thrive.

[SorrowandPain]

Having some serious doubts now. Just talked to her on the phone and there's going to be a ton of trust issues that might ruin my mental health. I also worry that I'll be walking on eggshells. I think I might call it off. It just might be too much to fix.

[SorrowandPain]

Here’s the long of it:

 

We exchanged some texts and then talked on the phone to clarify some things.

 

Texts:

 

Me: I said the trust issue is going to be a huge thing and we both need to show that we won’t hurt each other. I asked her if she’s willing to delete/block Bizarro Me on facebook and asked her to put herself in my shoes

 

Her: Said we’re still in a trial period right now but if we were seriously considering pursuing a relationship, then she would. She’s not keeping him on for any hope of anything but she doesn’t delete people unless there’s a good reason to.

 

Said I need to understand that she still considers herself single and will probably for a while but that doesn’t mean she’s going to actively pursue guys. She just wants independence and be on her own.

 

Me:

I asked her if that means she’ll date others if it feels right. Said I was confused because after our convo on the phone last night, I thought we are trying to work it at but slowly. Said we both agreed her independence and doing her own thing is essential to us working but I thought we wouldn’t be seeing other people/hooking up with others because how is that trying? I said I mentioned before how she has to decide if she wants to live the single life/hook up with others or be with someone who truly loves her. I said Monday, she said she’d have to think about it but then after last night, I thought she was all onboard with this and that we were even thinking about telling our parents about this but decided to wait only to see if it’d pan out.

 

Her:

 

She said she’s confused too. She keeps getting highs and lows: one min she’s optimistic the other she thinks she’s making a mistake. She said we’re on a trial period and if she’s not feeling it, then she can leave. She’ll give me a chance to work on it but what happens if it’s just her and she decides she wants to be alone and it has nothing to do with me?

 

Phone call:

 

I said we needed to clear stuff up. We both agreed that the trust issue is huge. She worries that I won’t trust her. She asked me if I would be ok if she wanted a girls night out or she wants to hang out with her new guy friends. And I said I’d be fine with girls night out but I want her to explain this guy friend thing. She said she met a few guys friends and she parties goes out partying with them and talks to them frequently and she’s worried I won’t be fine with that. She said she goes downtown with them and sometimes stays at their houses over night ‘cause her place is too far away. I said that would be a problem and she said “well unless you can come pick me up” and I said that’s fine. She said there’s others staying over there too and it’s not just her and another guy. Said there’s other guys and other girls and everyone just goes back there. I said that’s a lot less worrisome. She said she wouldn’t ever sleep with one of the guys in another bed. I said the problem is, unless it’s a special case, guys and girls aren’t really ever “just friends.” They’ll want to * * * * her. She said they’re not even interested.

 

I said I thought after last night, we both wanted to work at this. I have huge reservations too and it’s not just her but I thought we both wanted it. I told her that it’s up to her. She can live the single life or she can she can be with someone who truly cares. There’s pros and cons to both but I know she wants to be with someone who cares. I said she’s been partying hard since she was a teen and has had a pretty high number of partners so it’s up to her if she wants to continue that. She said it’s not that she wants to have sex with other strange men but she just likes being able to flirt and not worry about it. She told me the other night that it helps build her ego and I told her that’s not really healthy. I did the same thing and flirted with girls just to see if they wanted me. I know now that it’s not healthy and my self worth shouldn’t be tied to girls liking me and I need to change. As well, I only have eyes for her. She mentioned that she wants to be single and has enjoyed it since Bizarro Me has given her the boot but on the other hand, she wants a relationship too.

 

We then talked about Bizarro Me and she said she’ll delete if we’re in a relationship but not now. She said she still thinks he’ll try contacting her later on for sex or something and at that point, she’ll tell him off. I asked her what would be the point of that and wouldn’t it be better on if you just deleted and blocked him if you wanted to move on? She had to go for an appt and we’ll talk later.

 

I think I might call this off. It’s too much. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I fear she’ll have a Grass is Greener thing a few months down the line. She’s already betrayed me once. She said she’d never do it again because it’d kill me. But you know, actions speak louder than words and this Bizarro Me thing is worrisome and ties into other behaviours. There’s just no reason why she doesn’t delete him if she wants us to work and wants to move on completely from him. I also worry that because of her issues of getting self-worth from guys, what happens if we hit a rough patch, she’s drunk after a night of partying with those guys friends and she stays over there for the night and the guy is horny and wants to hook up? Will she be able to say no?

 

This is the worst situation. I think I have to seriously consider calling it off.

[SorrowandPain]

Well, I’m pushing pretty damn hard here. We said we’d take it slow and not talk for the next 2 days but I ended up talking to her on the phone last night for 2 hours before ending up at her place for 3 hours.

 

On the phone, I told her that if she really wants to try, she has to take the step to delete/block Bizarro Me on facebook because there’s no reason for her to keep ties with him and I asked her to put herself in my shoes. She saw my point and reluctantly agreed to delete him but not block him. Said she has not ever blocked anyone and she rarely deletes anyone even.

 

Next topic was I said I can’t disrespect myself anymore than I already have. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. If she wants to be single, then fine but I won’t be the fallback guy. I won’t wait around right now while she decides to see if she wants a relationship or to be free. If she wants to be single, let me know so I can move on and heal but she has to realize that if she wants to be single, then it’s done and I’m out of her life for good and she won’t have someone there who truly cares. We confirmed that we are trying but will “take it slow.” We also said no one else would be involved.

 

I ended up at her place for 3 hours in the wee hours. It was the most passionate night I’ve ever had. We were physically intimate but I refused to have sex with her and said we can’t for about 2 months until we figure out what’s going on and we’re official. I said I want to do things right. I made her beg me for me and quiver. I got some power back by saying no to sex.

 

At which point, I brought up a few of her other lies that I uncovered and she admitted to them. i mentioned a while back that in Feb, she was talking to a long time guy friend who lives accross the country on IM. We had a bit of a rough patch and when I walked into the room, she would shut her laptop. She would also get some texts from him late at night. This went on about 2 weeks. She assured me that they were always just friends and NOTHING ever happened between them two because they’re not attracted to each other in that way. Well, during my snooping, I found out that she had sent her naughty pictures a few years back. I told her this. She confessed to having sex with him when she was in HS.

 

I told her that I don’t want there to be lies between us anymore. I don’t know if I can trust her. I can’t actually. She’s lied about so much and committed the ultimate lie by leaving me for someone else. How can I ever trust her again?

 

She did end up telling me she loves me multiple times last night. She even got mad because she said she wasn’t going to say it for a long time. I dunno, I’m pushing pretty hard. We said we wouldn’t talk today but I called her an hour ago.

 

I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking that this is a bad idea and I can never trust someone who has lied so much but when she’s in my arms, all the troubles in the world melt away. I’m an idiot. I don't even see how this will work with the lack of trust and with all the deception she has shown in the past. Can I trust her not to emotionally cheat on me if things are bad? Can I trust her not to set up safety nets? Can I trust her not to cheat physically? She said she wouldn't do any of that again but her actions in the past indicate chances are not good.

[SorrowandPain]

I made a thread on an issue that I'm confused about and hope to get some responses:

[SorrowandPain]

Well, I talked to her about it and there's good news. She said since we're in a relationship, she won't sleep over at a guy's place even if there's other girls there. She asked me if I am okay with her staying over at a gay friend's place and I said sure. She did say I'd have to pick her up though if she has no other place to stay but if I can't, she'll arrange something else beforehand.

[MK9]

Here's are some instances where it is ok for your girlfriend to sleep over at people's house:

 

sleeping over because she fell asleep while working on a project with her friend at his/her house = ok

Sleeping over because it is raining hard outside, her friend doesn't have a car, and she walked there, and the house is substantially far from her home = ok

Sleeping over because there's a tiger escaped the zoo and it is patrolling the neighborhood, she's happened to be at her friend's house = o.k

Sleeping over because she can't go outside, because the street is being over take by zombies, and they waiting outside for her = o.k

Sleeping over at a friend's house because her house was burned to the ground because a black hawk hilicopter crashed into it, or something similar to this nature= o.k

 

etc..etc..etc...

 

 

But sleep over at guy friends house after a hard night of partying, usually lead to wild sex, or even group sex. Furthermore, sleeping at a gay friend's house, is signaling that she is probably having a threesome with her gay friend and another male. There's no reason for her not to sleep at her own house, thus this lead me to reasonable suspicions of the above possibilities.

 

What is she doing over there at late nigh, sleeping? She should be working late night shift to earn you money, or moping the kitchen floor or making you a sandwich.

[endy]

All you have to do is re-read the advice on this whole damn thread. You are a broken person. She is a broken person. What would benefit both of you is to take a year off and work on yourselves then possibly come back together. That's it. You are doing both her and you a disservice right now. You are a broken person. She is a broken person. That means your relationship will remain broken. You sit there and say you truly love her, but you have no idea what love entails or is. You don't love yourself let alone her, and if you did... you wouldn't be with her. You are going back to someone who you have broken up with repeatidly. Someone who cheated on you. She still has all the power. You are asking her and giving her limits on what she can or shouldn't do. That's limiting her choices and that's limiting her free will. That is control. It's nice to have boundaries but that is a minor issue as of right now. The issue is you don't love yourself. Neither of you have any self worth, and are using each other once again for temporary happiness. This will not work out well, and it's going to set you back to square one.

 

This unfortunately looks like it's going to happen over and over again until you get sick of it or it just becomes way too painful for you. You are ignoring the pain and what caused it. Someone that loves you does not cause you pain and suffering. They help you take care of it. Her actions speak loudly about her self worth. I do not understand your logic on trying to force this to work. I do, but it's just a patch for the pain. When the best thing to do is take it as a signal for growth. Listen to your emotions more.

 

 

 

And MK9... * * * lol.

[Alison245]

Hey - have just been taking my time having a little read over of how things have been panning out for you Sorrow - I really feel for you as it must be so so SO tempting to jump straight back into what you had with your ex but everything in your posts screams that you are emotional crutches for each other and she is seemingly setting up a life for having her cake and eating it with you. I would have to agree with the idea of taking true time apart from each other - no promises of no sleeping with other people but simply time to grow and heal as you are both (as you are already wise to) too damaged by the hurt and mistrust from the last few months....maybe even longer.

 

I'm currently in this period of healing - little bit of the ol fake it until you make it going on here but it's working ok - just have to come to terms with the idea that if you were to return to a 'normal' routine within your relationship, without acknowledging that it is no longer the safe place it once was, it would only take small disagreements to spiral into catastrophic arguments about trust and past wrongdoings. Time apart, digesting and dealing with who you are, how you feel, what you want from this and how you feel about trusting her as you are having to build that up from scratch. It's impossible to just pick up where the relationship left off as it sweeps all the pain and hurt under the carpet until some innapropriate argument about the washing up errupts into something much larger.

 

Have you considered couples counselling?

[SorrowandPain]

All,

 

My parents, friends, therapist and all of you think it’s a terrible idea. It probably is but I can’t help the way I’m feeling. I really wonder if this is more of an obsession than anything though. I hope it’s not.

 

Alison,

 

I don’t think (at least I hope not) she is wanting her cake and eating it too. She’s just apprehensive for 2 main reasons: 1. She’s worried about how her family and friends will accept this (they won’t be happy) and this is the main reason and 2. She’s worried that I’ll revert back to my old ways and mistreat her.

 

For those reasons, she wants to hold off on the bf/gf label just in case it fails soon because she doesn’t want to go through another breakup with me. I’m not completely sure if the logic makes sense but there’s good out of this too. She said that we’re exclusive in that she doesn’t want to entertain the thought of meeting anyone else and she won’t meet anyone else. She said she’s committed 100% to make this work. She says she wants me and this. She agreed that for all intents and purposes, we’re together but she just wants to give it some time before going full blown official. She tells me she loves me and she’s texting me a lot saying that she misses me. She told me that she never wants to hurt me again and will be 100% honest with me. I have pushed really hard to get that bf/gf label but I need to back off. It’s only been 6 days since we’ve been together so she’s already committed a lot.

 

One thing that is worrisome is a few days ago, she said it scares her to think that whoever she’s with now or in the near future will be the one she’s with forever because she’s so young. I said that since we’ve already been together for 2 years, if we’re doing this again, there has to be LTR potential otherwise I’m wasting my time. I’m not saying that we need to get married but there has to be at least a possibility. She said I’m pushing way too hard and that it’s too much and too soon to even talk about marriage right now. I said I’m not exactly talking about marriage but LTR and she asked me what long term is to me and to her it’s like 1-2 years. I told her that SHE was the one who wanted to marry me back in our relationship and she said it’s just too early right now and who knows, maybe in a 1 month she’ll want that and can see that happening but right it’s too much. She said we need to build up to that again. She said if the relationship goes well, then ya she’ll probably want to get married but right now there’s too much uncertainty. Before that, I asked her to be 100% honest with me and tell me if she wants to still experience the single life and be free and if she does, she has to let me go and not hurt me later on. She said no, she wants me and wants to be in a relationship.

 

I really need to back off and stop obsessing so much but it's hard. I have OCD tendencies and the trust issues with her exacerbates it.

 

I did mention couples counseling but she said that's too much. She said if this works, it shouldn't have to be forced like that.

[SorrowandPain]

I also realize that I’m being a pathetic sack of * * * * right now. My friends and family have lost a lot of respect for me and I’ve lost a lot of respect for myself. I don’t know how I can fully regain my self respect. if I remain in this relationship. I was bad to her yes, but she cheated and left me yet I’m the one who begged her to come back. If I had more self control, I would have waited 1-2 months after her text message for her to come crawling back. I was obviously on her mind and she was starting to miss me so if I had left it alone, she would have come back and the dynamics would have been different. She has all the power now.

 

It would be so much healthier and easier to heal myself (somehow) and then find a new relationship with someone with whom I don't share all this baggage. I'm not even sure if I can fully trust her again. How much will it eat me up inside if she goes out for a night with the girls, or when I'm wondering if she's talking to another guy while she's on facebook? This relationship can easily bring out really bad traits in me that I've tried so hard to suppress and get rid of.

[endy]

I think any relationship and how you let your emotions control your mind and actions is not going to work for anyone period. To master your emotions (recognize them), your mind, and your reactions... is what makes a relationship work or not work. What you just said in that last sentence sums everything up you needed to heal and work on. You needed to figure that out, and how to not supress them because it causes dis-ease and depression. So be it. When it's your time to learn you'll learn. We all make choices. Some learn from them, and some do not. You'll get there once you finally figure out you need to love yourself, and when you actually believe you deserve better than what you have. Either way good luck. Convenience is a wonderful thing isn't it? At least temporarily.

[chitown9]

 

It would be so much healthier and easier to heal myself (somehow) and then find a new relationship with someone with whom I don't share all this baggage. I'm not even sure if I can fully trust her again. How much will it eat me up inside if she goes out for a night with the girls, or when I'm wondering if she's talking to another guy while she's on facebook? This relationship can easily bring out really bad traits in me that I've tried so hard to suppress and get rid of.

 

This is what you know to be true: you need to heal yourself. You cannot trust her. The only thing that you can fix is yourself. That is what you need to do. Work on your own issues so that the next relationship will be successful. This relationship with her will never work because you don't trust her, and with good reason. She says one thing and then turns around and does something else. Actions speak louder than words. Move on...

 

Please do the right thing here ....

[Alison245]

I always feel so torn when I read your posts as I can relate to the feeling of wanting them back so badly that you are prepared to do whatever they ask of you to get there, get back to the relationship you feel so desperatly sad to have lost.....I would do the same I'm sure BUT...and it's a huge BUT.....is it not worth waiting and going incredibly slow as it is sadly already burdoned with trust issues and doubts. It easy as outsiders to judge and tell you to stay well shot of her but you seem to know the risks and the high chances of this falling through but maybe you need to give it a shot - if it fails at least you know you had a really good go at it and there is nothing more to be done and walk away. By not trying you will maybe obsess about the 'what could have been'. As for friends and family judging, I'm sure they just want you to be ok and not see you hurt again. Its like ripping the scab off what you've been trying to heal.

 

You have the insight to acknowledge that this may be an obsession due to your personality- so at least you know this and can keep it in the back of your mind when trying to decide if it is actually HER you want or simply the comfort and love you once had within a relationship with someone - which could be with someone better now, someone who doesnt mess your head so badly! I tend to think that although relationships should take work on both parts - it should never be painful and exhausting which is how it seems for you.....Keep us posted

[SorrowandPain]

So here I am 8 months later and everyone was right. She broke my heart again. There were definitely ups and downs and some rough patches but things have been good for the past month or so and she lead me to believe that she loved me with all her heart but out of no where, she crushes me and broke my heart again. If anyone's interested in reading, I made the posts under a different user name just for privacy reasons. Here's the thread:

 

I'm so hurt right now. Every prediction that people have made on this forum and everything my parents and friends said would happen have come true regarding how untrustworthy she is. I'm a fool.

[Ms Darcy]

I have to say it is really really unhelpful, and perhaps even not allowed, to post multiple threads under different identities. People cannot fully help you when you do that. Privacy concerns should be taken care of via asking moderators to delete sensitive content.

 

I really really do not find you to be a victim in all of this ... I am sorry. You knew who and what you were going back to and went hoping for change. I do not say that to hurt your feelings but to encourage you not to keep making her the "villian" who lied to you and did this or that to you. Ultimately, she didn't love you. I suspect she's leaving this time for similar reasons (maybe interested in someone who may be going to china) who knows? But I hope it's clear to you that she doesn't love you in the true sense since she's always kind of looking for something else.

 

I would also advise dating girls closer to your own age.

[SorrowandPain]

Ms. Darcy,

 

My apologies for using another account. I won't be making another thread with the other account.

 

Can't argue with what you said about her. Her actions indicate that she doesn't love me but for some reason, I still want to believe that this is not who she is. I'm sick in the head. I contacted her today with a few texts and 2 attempted phone calls but no response. I'll have to cut this crap out in order to move on. At least this time I'm not living in regret believing that it was 100% my fault like I did last time.

 

It's just so hard for me to believe that she could keep saying so many things like "I love you soooo much" "I miss you so much" up until the day of the trip reveal and the reveal that she wants to be single. Again, she has always been the one asking for affirmation and I always gave it to her but I never really asked for affirmation of her feelings. She did it voluntarily. It's just hard for me to believe someone can be such a bad person misleading me like that. All the signs were there and my friends and family all warned me. I went with my heart instead of my logical brain and this is what it got me.

 

I hope I recover from this. Last time I was no where near recovered even after the 3 month mark and didn't feel good until she came back. Tomorrow will be day 1 of NC.

[SorrowandPain]

Also Ms. Darcy,

 

I agree with most of your post BUT she absolutely is the villain here. Sure it might not help me in the long run to hold on to this resentment but she screwed me over and played with my feelings. There's no other way to interpret this.

 

I need to man up and not let her come into my life again. There has to be a decent chance of her sniffing around in the next year or two when she realizes what she lost. Maybe part of me hopes she comes back but I would be insane to let her back in.

[Ms Darcy]

Too much focus on her. Not enough on you. I don't think this has anything to do with going with your heart; I don't think "hearts" lead people to unhealthy relationships. I think unhealthy mindsets do. I think you should consider therapy and spend some time understanding why you are so attracted to toxicity.