TomboyMS Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Awesome post veneratio. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 veneratio, thanks for the inspiring post. Just like with this whole situation, I can understand and accept it intellectually but emotionally it does not compute. I really hope that it will sooner than later. On day 26 of NC. I'm regressing and regressing fast. I feel like my depression is starting to hit hard. I won't say much because I'm so tired of talking about it but the memories of us keep haunting me. I'm also sick to my stomach because she told me all that crap about our connection and how she has never felt something like but then she gets into something with someone else so quickly. Seeing her call him the terms of endearment she gave me made me sick. Thinking about it makes me sick. Thinking about how she probably cuddles him and gets close to him makes me sick. I used to joke around and call her a * * * * when we had sex and she would say "only for you." Thinking about her having sex with him makes me sick. I'm regressing and I don't know what to do. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Day 27 of NC Definitely regressing. I've felt like crying the past few days for the first time since the 1st week of the breakup. I don't know why I'm slipping. Link to comment
endy Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Because it's normal. Cry. Cry until you can't anymore. Link to comment
MK9 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 I am so proud of you, man. You're on a path to self-healing. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 Day 29 of full NC. tomorrow is the 3 month anniversary of the breakup. Still regressing. Not much else to say really. Link to comment
MK9 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 If you live around here, I would take you to strip club, man. So we can hollah at big booty girls. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 It seems from my "outside looking in" that you are taking a hit to your self-esteem more than your heart. You broke it off with her and was perfectly fine with that decision, and took her back because you "gave in". Then, the relationship was worse, you mistreat her- and now she cuts it off, and you are barraging her with emotion wanting her back. There was no good when you both got back together, so what exactly are you wanting to go back to? And during the break up you felt like you made a good decision and you were in a strong position to move on. Go back to when you broke it off from her. Remember why you did it, smell it, breath it, be it. She is looking attractive because she is with someone else, and her having this strength to move on is making her seem like she has confidence and sexiness. She doesnt, she just met someone, thats it. Reality hit her in the face that you and her was not working out. Reality hit you in the face before, right now you are slipping into a weak state of emotions, and you have forgot the logical thinking you had before. I doubt you will have the same strong passion if this guy wasnt in the picture after the break up. I am sure when you are ready, being in a relationship with less issues will be a very warm and welcoming experience (which she probably feels right now, unless shes already slipping into her negative qualities when the honeymoon phase is over). Be with someone without bad history, history will bite you in the butt. Start fresh, you learn way more when you leave a relationship and get into a new one, not when you slip backwards into the old. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 Thor, I actually tried to break it off with her at least 25x over two years. It was a really messed up relationship. She was never good enough and I stayed with her at the very beginning partially because I wanted to help her and because I felt bad for her (also because of the instant connection I felt with her because of our co-dependency). There’s tons of issues here - there’s abandonment issues, self-esteem, and co-dependency. It hurts so much because I guess I want to feel needed, to feel important. The rejection really hurts. It's super frustrating because I can write a huge book on why she’s no good for me and why she sucks at a person but I am completely illogical right now. I really miss the companionship. If I got back together with her, I doubt she’d change. I would change for sure though. I would treat her much better. However, who knows how long that’d last when her issues get to me again. I’m not sure if you’ve read all the posts but that guy (a clone of me) was giving her all the run arounds such as “let’s not put a label on this,” “I’m not your boyfriend” and tons of other similar excuses and she was stressing out over it from the beginning to her friends. It hurts that she wants so badly for this guy to be her boyfriend (when he’s just using her) but she won’t take me back when I promised her the world. Every guy she’s been with has pumped her and dumped her except her first bf back when she was 15 but she dumped him for someone else because she started hanging out with the bad crowd and they told her dump him. She ended up really regretting doing that a few years after. She said he haunted her in her dreams and wished she never did that. Maybe she’ll eventually wish she never did what she did to me. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 this is how un-manly I am right now. I keep listening to Taylor Swift's Back to December hoping she will feel the same sorrow that's expressed in the song: Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 someone should take me out back and put me down like a lame horse. this is pathetic. it's day 30 of full NC and 3 months since the BU as of today and I'm still pathetic. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 Feeling like death right now. I tried ending it so many times and so many times we thought it was over but we always found our way back to each other. We kept giving it “once last chance.” It just hurts so much right now because it’s over. It’s probably because we’re both broken people but I felt a connection with her that I fear I won't feel with anyone else. Even though a large part of me didn’t want to be with her because I was scared of being with her forever (because of all her faults and issues), a part of me DID want to be with her forever. No matter how much hurt or damage was caused (mostly by me), we got through it. Each time we broke up and got back together, it really did feel like a lot of magic. I finally wanted to change my ways this time but she didn’t give me a chance. For some stupid reason, I do feel she’s my soul mate and I don’t even believe in that stuff. My Vegas vacation in next weekend and I’ll probably ruin it because I can’t stop my yearning for her. It’s just guts me so much that she doesn’t miss our 2 years together and the connection we had underneath all the fighting and chaos. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 soooooooo close to breaking NC right now. If i do, I will fail myself. It's day 30. I have to shake this feeling off. Time for some pills. Link to comment
Robert55 Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 I know how hard this is. This is the same as my problem and I have been going through it for three months. I know it sucks and that drugs seem like they help but they only make it worse. It sucks everyday but you just gotta keep going thats all i have been doing. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 Day 30 of full NC I thought I was supposed to feel better if I adhered to NC for 30 days but I don’t feel better. I want this to stop. When will this feeling stop? I can’t take it anymore. I’m so desperate right now. I want something to make me feel better. I want this to stop. I can’t believe we’ve been broken up for ¼ of a year. I’m hurting so much. What if I don’t get out of this abyss? Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 I’m falling and falling hard. I haven’t had urges this strong to contact her in a long while. I have mentioned throughout the NC that I have wanted to contact her/look at her facebook profile but this time, I feel like I actually might break NC. I have adhered to strict NC for 30 days. I have exercised/worked out. I have increased my anti-depressant dose. I have seen my therapist twice a week. I have been working. I have hung out with my friends but I am still a * * * * ing mess and I actually shed a tear today for the first time over this since the breakup 3 months ago. I thought it was supposed to get better? I am in limbo in life. My career goals have been put on hold and I don’t know what I’m going to do. My friends and family are getting tired of me talking to them about this. They understand that I’m in pain but at the same time, they think that she has little redeeming qualities and she’s terrible for me. They can look at this logically but I can not. I think you guys on the board are getting tired of this too. I’m tired of it. I told myself I’d give NC a fair chance for 1-2 months and see how I feel before I do something drastic. Well, it’s the halfway point now and I don’t feel better. I’m worried what will happen if I can’t get out of this. Link to comment
MK9 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 go outside and sprint two laps around the block. that will fix your emotional distress. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 I have been depressed for over 10 years now and most of it has been mild but long lasting depression (dysthymia). I’d go a few months at time feeling fine but then I’d be depressed again. There have only been a handful of times where I’ve been extremely depressed (i don’t think it has happened for a few years) but now is one of them. I was starting to be depressed again during the last month of the relationship with my ex and I suspect that exacerbated the misery in our relationship. She even said to me that last month she loves me but no one will be with me if I don’t change and if I continued to be depressed. Of course, I always said that I couldn’t change and that was me. (Note: during the previous winter months, I felt depressed but I had her as a security blanket and she would call me her baby and want to comfort me. She said she wanted to make me happy and help fix me. She is gone now and it kills me). This breakup is really the straw that broke the camel’s back. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time and I think this is the first time during all my years of depression that I’ve thought about concrete plans of how to go. The meds aren’t working. The therapy isn’t working. The NC isn’t working. I am right back to square one. I’m looking back to my old posts and the first day of this complete NC trial and I don’t think I’ve made any progress. The clocks will be rolling back soon so the days will be shorter. I don’t think I’ll make it through the winter. I can’t accurately describe how I’m feeling but it’s almost like a combination of despair, helplessness, sadness, anger and fatigue. I’m not religious but I think the only thing that will help me at this point is divine intervention. Someone/something please help me. I can’t take this feeling anymore. My life is being sucked out of me from this disease and it has haunted me for the past 10+ years of my life. I’m begging anything out there to help me. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I am so sorry that you are still grieving the loss of your girlfriend. It is hard to accept that you love someone who no longer loves you. If you try to find the reason for the why of it you can just drive yourself crazy. You love that person so much, and they just don't return that love anymore. I understand your feeling. You are doing the right things in seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants. Are you getting exercise? If you are not, I would suggest that you do. I think that would be helpful to you. You may not be motivated to go to a gym, but just force yourself. Fake it till you make it friend. I have been in your shoes, and all you can do is go on with your life as best you can. Life holds many surprises, so it is worth it to hang in there to see what the future holds. Don't get comfortable in your pain. Push yourself to try different things and, in other words, live your life....and I am glad that you found this site..there are many caring people here...chi Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 Chi, Thanks for caring. I do workout a lot (it was one of the issues in our relationship because she kept telling me she wanted to get in shape and not be overweight anymore but never really applied herself even though I was patiently trying to help her and motivate her). I didn’t work out for a few weeks right after finding out about her leaving me for a new guy but I’ve been back at it pretty consistently over the past month or so. That’s why I’m worried that nothing will work. The therapist told me to make sure I’m back to working out but it hasn’t helped. I’ve upped my meds and it hasn’t helped. I actually just had a bunch of tears flow down and was crying uncontrollably. I hate this. This isn’t manly behaviour. It’s pathetic. I haven’t cried over this since the first week of finding out about what happened. I’m definitely getting worse. Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 I’ve sat all day in my room reading ENA and now I’m crying alone in it on a Saturday night. Not sure how much farther I can fall. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I actually just had a bunch of tears flow down and was crying uncontrollably. I hate this. This isn’t manly behaviour. It’s pathetic. I haven’t cried over this since the first week of finding out about what happened. I’m definitely getting worse. Ahh, I see. Well, maybe we have found the core of the problem. You have not allowed yourself to grieve properly because you perceive the act of crying to be unmanly. My friend, cry! Allow yourself these human emotion. Cry as long and as hard as you need to. Crying is essential to the healing process, and you have been repressing it all this time. No wonder that you feel that you have made no progress in healing. Please discuss this issue with your therapist also. I feel your pain. Please keep coming back...chi Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 Ahh, I see. Well, maybe we have found the core of the problem. You have not allowed yourself to grieve properly because you perceive the act of crying to be unmanly. My friend, cry! Allow yourself these human emotion. Cry as long and as hard as you need to. Crying is essential to the healing process, and you have been repressing it all this time. No wonder that you feel that you have made no progress in healing. Please discuss this issue with your therapist also. I feel your pain. Please keep coming back...chi Hi again, I actually haven’t repressed anything. I cried for the whole week after finding out. I cried when I drove to her house that night asking all the questions, pouring my heart out and ended up having sex with her. I cried in front of my friends, in front of my therapist etc. I cried during all the internalizing and bargaining. I really haven’t held anything back and I’ve told my parents, friends, and therapist all of my feelings etc. The problem here is I need to move on but I can’t and haven’t been able to. This is why I think it’s unmanly. It’s been 3 months since the breakup, 2.5 months since I found out about everything and 30 days full NC yet I’m still not moving on and I hate it. PS I really want to thank you for responding and caring about my situation. Link to comment
RubyWoo Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 The pain sucks, really really bad. But try to tell yourself that she doesn't deserve you, and you will find a girl who is sooo in love with you she will never even consider letting you go! I'm on the same boat, and it's horrible. Hope we can make it Link to comment
veneratio Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Nothing unmanly about that at all, Sorrow, you're only human. It's only been 30 days since your last contact with her, so it's still pretty fresh. Even though it's been 3 months since the break up, it's only been 30 days since you began your path to healing. I know it's frustrating..and I know the pain is almost unbearable, but hang in there. It will get better..easier. Link to comment
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