How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many

[Honey Pumpkin]

To be fair, I didn't break into anything. She gave me her passwords.

 

That doesn't mean that what I'm doing isn't ethically abhorrent.

 

Well, if you were a man of honour you would tell her that once or twice you had peeked, so she should change her passwords asap. That would end the games for good.

[SorrowandPain]

Honey Pumpkin,

 

My actions are certainly not right but that doesn't make me a terrible person nor am I playing any games. I'm simply down, lost, addicted and struggling to move on. Regardless, she changed her password for whatever reason the day after bizarro me apparently ended things with her so I can't access it now anyways.

 

Have a large update but I dont have time to post it now. I broke down yesterday and texted her. We exchanged texts but the outcome was not to my liking - i.e. she doesn't want to get back together. She said she's still in a relationship with the other guy and wants to give it a chance (clearly they're not in a relationship from the stuff I found out will get to that point later. ). I hate this. I hate this so much. It's a huge setback and I feel like I'm going through the stages of breakup grief again. I'm sick to my stomach, in shock, and bargaining. I keep wishing things were different. I wish I had another chance. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. I'm so lost and hurt.

[SorrowandPain]

Ugh I'm in so much pain right now. I was doing some digging into the timeline of everything (not through her FB but my own emails and recalling dates and events that happened when I took her back) and I could have done so much better.

 

I think I took her back in the end of May/beginning of June. Well that's when I said i wanted to be a couple again. Prior to that, we were hanging out because I let her back in and we were talking a lot, she was seducing me and we were having sex. She wanted to keep having sex even though I told her that we're not a couple and I might try out other women. She said what happens if she has sex with other guys? I said then our arrangement would be over. She said it wasn't fair. I told her that we could stop having sex altogether because I didn't want her to have sex with someone else. She said she'll keep doing what we're doing and I guess that's because she was trying to win me back. But soon after that, I told her I wanted to be a couple again and I won't be pursing other girls (this was all within a matter of days/weeks but I can't remember the exact dates but all within end of May/beginning of June). I had always said ya I want to get more notches under my belt but I won't because of what we have.

 

At this point, life was crazy for me. I was trying to get accepted into my dream career and had so much too do. At the end of May/early June, I had to take a 2 week crash course to get certification for something to be able to apply for the job. I also had to work. I basically had time for nothing. I would work, then do the homework, then go to class, rinse and repeat. At this point I believe we were a couple again. She always wanted to see me. She was really needy and not understanding of the situation. I in turn was not compassionate or understanding either. I was annoyed and pushed her away. I tried to explain to her that I couldn't see her at this point because I have no time to do anything and was exhausted but she would whine and cry which would make me angry and push her away more. I told her many times: "look this is my career here. You are NOT a priority right now." She would ask me when she would be a priority again and I told her "I don't know. Maybe not for a while. Take it or leave it."

 

To make things worse, after my 2 week crash course, I had to study for the entrance exam for my job (the exam would be in 2 weeks). I had to work as well and when I was done work, I would lock myself up in my room to study. It was work, study, workout, sleep. Rinse and repeat. She would ask me when she would be able to see me or when she would be a priority and I said "I don't know. If I get hired, then in the fall, I'll be doing an intense 3 months of training so I'll be really busy). It was around this time when I was doing all the studying that she added bizarro me onto facebook. It makes sense now. I still feel hurt and betrayed but I understand where she was coming from. I totally neglected her and told her the future might be even busier. She would have ended things though instead of securing that backup.

 

Anyways, after the exam was over in mid June, I didn't get in unfortunately so I should have had more time for her right? No. I took a temporary second job. I really really hated this second job. Every day when I was done the job, I would be in a very bad mood. When I was grieving the first time, I mentioned that I don't know how much this job affected my relationship and how I perceived her and how much of the relationship itself I didn't like. Like I said, things were miserable between us in the last month. I blame myself and this job a lot.

 

I just hate this so much. I hate it. I wish I was more understanding. I could have tried harder to make time for her. I could have said: "Right now I'm super busy but I love you and I'll try my best. Please bare with me." Of course, this is all after the fact. At the time, I thought she was very annoying and not understanding.

 

I wish I never took that 2nd temporary job. Although maybe it saved me from more heartache who knows. I started the 2nd temporary job in mid June, she had already added bizarro me in early June. She claimed that she didn't start talking to him until early July but who knows if that's true? Maybe if i didn't take that second job, things would have been much better but maybe she would have developed feelings for him anyways. Although none of this would have happened if I was more attentive during my preparation for my career.

 

I wish I did so much differently. I want to cry right now. My heart aches.

[SorrowandPain]

So how can someone leave you for dead after you've been there for them so many times? By doing what I said I did in this thread and driving them away. I hate this.

 

I know I can be better. I wish I had another chance to prove it. I guess she gave me many chances to showed that she meant something and I blew them all.

[endy]

dude... IT IS OVER AND DONE WITH. STOP GOING OVER THE PAST. It's in the past. Now take your two feet and walk forward and live life. She has all the power in the world over you. The relationship was not a healthy one, with two unhealthy individuals. What does that = unhealthy relationship. Even if one person is unhealthy a relationship will never thrive.

 

I think what you're doing right now is thinking about you and being selfish as well. What about all the times you dumped her, tried to control how she lived her life when you were broken up by who she could have sex with etc? What kind of pain and suffering do you think she went through? The same exact thing you are going through now, and honestly she had enough of it. You know it wasn't healthy for either of you.

 

That's not to say she is dealing with it the right way, but neither are you. Until you realize that you're both broken people... and it would never work... it's going to keep going down this path. You need to make changes and heal so you can be in a healthy relationship with a healthy individual. Which right now neither of you are. It's over, you get closure by accepting it for what it is, and that you're never going to work out unless you and her both get healthy.

 

The ONLY thing you need to worry about is getting you healthy. You wish you had a chance to prove what? You change? because your issues are deep enough where that isn't going to happen without you improving yourself and that's what you need to work on. People don't change for other people. They change for themselves. So you can't prove it, because you haven't changed. You're basing your happiness on another individual, just like she did... that's what needs to change.

 

Getting her back would do nothing but bring two broken people back into now because of that an ever more broken relationship. Realize that, and look deeper at it. It won't work out between the two of you because neither of you are fit right now to be in a relationship.

[SorrowandPain]

endy,

 

How obviously you're right. I need to move forward and not dwell in the past. But right now, I am still dwelling in the past. I don't know what will happen to me if I can't move on.

 

I can't believe I blocked out such an integral part of what lead to our demise. Obviously our relationship wasn't working but the events I described in the previous post was the straw that finally broke the camel's back.

 

Thinking back to that time when I was doing all my prep work, I wasn't *that* bad. I wonder what would have happened if she was more understanding and patient. Perhaps I would have been more loving in return. Prior to that 2 week crash course, I had to cram 3 weeks worth of self-study into 1 week's time before the class because I signed up late. This was obviously really stressful as I work as well. My schedule during the course was like this: I worked Monday to Friday and then Friday I would have to drive 1 hour to make it to class and wouldn't get home until 10pm. Then I would get up at 6am Sat morning to be in class by 8am and wouldn't get back until 4pm. Then I would have to do the homework and get up at 6am Sunday morning for class until 3-4pm. The weekdays were used for homework. This happened for 2 weeks. I obviously had no time to see her. She wasn't very understanding. She wanted to see me and that was. She wanted to help me study but obviously that wouldn't work. It takes me about 50 min to drive to her place, she doesn't know the material, and all that would have happened is we would have hung out, she would initiate sex and I would get no work done. My hectic schedule would continue into the middle of June because I was studying for the entrance exam.

 

I wasn't all bad. I could have been more understanding and more loving and reassuring but her attitude made it tough for me (at least that's how I remember it). How wasn't I all bad? I spoke to her on the phone every night. I took breaks from studying to skype with her. In fact, looking at the time stamps, she added bizarro me onto facebook the day after one of our skype sessions. I had my part in this but what she did wasn't right.

 

We are just from two different worlds I guess. She was a C-/D student in highschool and hasn't been in school for 4 years since then. She just doesn't understand the need for temporary sacrifice to reach a goal because she hasn't endured any hardwork/sacrifice or reached any goals. Shouldn't a gf be understanding and supportive if she only has to wait a month? Instead, she starts looking elsewhere.

 

This brings me to another point. I just want to save her. In fact, when we first met, she was such a mess in life that I felt so bad for her because we already had established a strong connection I couldn't abandon her. She told me what she wanted out of herself and in life and I wanted to help her. Although who knows if what she said she wanted is what she actually wanted. Maybe she said all of it to make me like her.

 

I read something the other day that made me remember her childhood. As a child, she was outcasted for reasons she didn't know. She was picked on heavily. This ended up in abandonment issues, self-esteem issues, co-dependency issues, and a lack of self worth. She also has been a perpetual under-achiever. She's always had trouble with motivation. In fact, she told me that she wished her parents pushed her harder as a child. She has no self discipline, has trouble delaying gratification, and self sabotages all the time. These are the reasons why my heart breaks for her. When I saw her pics of her smoking again, gaining weight, drinking heavily every weekend, spending money recklessly, it just made me want to save her. Her parents are decent people I guess, work hard and her dad has a successful business but they're both messes when it comes to their personal lives. Their finances are a wreck, her dad has a disease which makes it unsafe for him to drink alcohol but he frequently gets drunk (and even drives drunk!). They don't plan for the future at all. My ex has learned all these behaviours, and coupled with her childhood, I am so worried that she'll spiral out of control. To be fair, she always has been out of control. As a teen, she would do E frequently at raves, she did coke, and hung out with the bad crowd. It wasn't until she met me was when she met someone who helped push her. I hate seeing her run from guy to guy and get pumped and dumped. I really fear that she'll just bounce from guy to guy once things with bizarro me don't work out.

 

I know you can't change someone. My psych said in 2 years, I haven't really made her change much and when I was finally out of the picture, she reverted back to her old ways. It's who she is and what she wants to do. She won't change unless she does it herself. But here's the thing, I don't think she WILL change. it's such a deep rooted problem that has been prevalent all her life. Her parents are messes so what chance does she have?

 

Maybe I'm not being totally altruistic. Maybe I want to "fix" her for my own selfish reasons. Maybe it makes me feel good with the power. I don't know. But what I do know is my heart breaks for her. Then again, she made it clear she has no romantic feelings for me and gave me the boot so there's nothing I can do. What's more important is, I need to save myself. I have deep serious issues that I need to fix. I just wish we could fix ourselves while supporting each other.

[SorrowandPain]

and now... the text messages...

 

So when she was talking to her friend the other night, she told her that bizarro me said to her that he's not her boyfriend. He listed a bunch of excuses like he's too busy with school, he has commitment issues, and something about "if we don't put a label on it, i'll be fine if ends right now but if I do put a label on it, it wouldn't work." She told her friend that she was going to talk to him on the phone later that night and sort things out. Later that night, her facebook statuses "Seriously * * * " and " * * * ... seriously * * * ." The next morning, her status was "Karma is a * * * * * , FML" and asked her friend to call her ASAP. Later that day, she erased the last 2 statuses and put up "You keep talking but your words make no sense." Her mom also posted on her wall about something regarding how guys should treat people's daughters. I was pretty sure they were done. But her "you keep talking" update suggests that he hasn't fully booted her.

 

Anyways, the next day, I struggled all day. I had an addiction. I wanted to text her. I have trouble with self control as well. Obviously, from everything I read on these forums, if you want to get back to have to be patient and wait for them to come back. My friend even told me that if I wanted to be an idiot and have her back, I really need to wait. I couldn't wait. I didn't want her to sleep with a few more guys before coming back. So I texted her. I will paraphrase some texts and quote others:

 

Me: I said it's been 2 months since our BU and I still love her. I told her I wanted to be there for her, grow with her, and that we're soulmates. I said we only live once and we've endured so much and something so special like this shouldn't be let go because we won't find it again. I told her if she feels the same, respond, if not, from the bottom of my heart, i wish her the best and I love her.

 

Her: She said she's sorry and it isn't in her to give it another chance. She hoped I was doing well and then actually asked about my dad's biopsy

 

Me: I asked her to talk on the phone, she said she's at work. I asked her to consider it. I asked her to look in her heart and ask if we're not truly soul-mates. I said we'll never find a connection like this again. I said we both need a lot of work but I'm willing to put in the effort. I said if she wants me to leave her alone, I will. But I told her to look deep. We're meant to be together. We can get through this.

 

Me: I told her I'd make it easier for her. I won't message her if she doesn't reply. I said I need to change. I refused to change before we BU but after the BU, I realized that I can't live with so much hate, self-loathing and negativity. I said I'd change because I have no other choice. I said even though we had rough patches, I was ALWAYS there for her and she was there for me. I know that we can grow together. I told her that I was the only person who always stood by her and wanted to help her reach her potential. I asked her if there has been anyone who has been there for her like I have. I asked her to please give it one more shot because we'll regret it if we don't. I always gave her one last chance so she should give me one.

 

I said if she doesn't consider it, I wish her nothing but the best and I love her so much that I only want good things for her. Then I said something that I really wanted her to internalize because my heart breaks for her. I said: "Always believe in yourself. I know self doubts are a problem for you but you have to believe in yourself. I believe in you, always have always will." I told her that she's special and to always remember that. I said she always wanted me to fight for her (she often wanted me to show her that I cared, would wait for me to come back after a fight but she would always come back first) and her I am doing it now. I told her that I love her.

 

 

Her: She texted back something irrelevant. I asked her to talk on the phone she said she's still at work and it's a bad idea because she doesn't want to hear me beg her back.

 

Me: I asked her if there's really no chance of us reconciling.

 

Her: She said too much damage has been done. She said: "haven't you moved on at all?"

 

Me: I told her that I have tried to move on everyday but I love her too much. I asked her to meet up for a coffee. I said there has been a lot of damage but after this BU, I know what a relationship takes. I told her that I have tried to move on. I read multiple BU books, see my therapist 2x a week, talk to friends/family but all I know is we're meant to be together. Asked her to meet up again for coffee.

 

Her: She told me to sleep with someone else and it will help.

 

Me: I told her * * * * no. I don't care about that. Our connection is all that matters.

 

Basically asked her 2x again for coffee in a public place, she said it's out of the question. I asked her if she would talk on the phone then. She said not a good idea, she doesn't want to hear it.

 

Me: I asked her if she wants me to leave her alone. I told her to look deep inside and ask if we'll ever find this connection again. I told her everyone has said I need to move on but we belong to each other. I said i'd leave her alone if she wants me to.

 

Her: She wishes we could be friends but nothing more. She harbours no romantic feelings for me whatsoever. Said because we want different things, it's not fair of her to lead me on.

 

Me: My final message to her: "I don't think we can be just friends"

 

"I will leave you alone then. I wish you nothing but the best I truly do. Thank you for being in my life. I wish you would reconsider but since you won't, I won't contact you so I can heal. Goodbye ___"

 

 

Her: "Well then I'm sorry. I have no doubts that this is what I want. I'm sorry but I can't be with you. Besides, I'm still in a relationship with someone else and I want to give that a chance."

 

"I hope you recover and change for the better _____. I wish you well. Take care of yourself. Good bye..."

 

 

 

So there you have it. I have felt like I've gone through a break up all over again but less intense I guess. Maybe it doesn't matter actually it doesn't but why did she bring up bizarro me at the end? Why say she's in a "relationship" with him when that's not the case.

 

My heart is broken. I know she isn't right for me but she needs help and I want to help her. Is that not love? Is that co-dependency? Regardless, she doesn't want to be with me so I have to move on. The toughest thing is I still have a part of me that believes she'll come back but not until everything falls apart and she's been with like 5 other guys. Why would I want her then? By doing this, I have given her all my power. In her mind, she has me as a fall back. She can endure more of bizarro me's run-arounds now. She might also have been able to absolve some of her guilt from how she ended things. I gave her all that. Maybe that's fine. I hurt her so much and she's so broken that maybe by letting her release some guilt, I gave her a real gift.

[SorrowandPain]

Well my NC lasted 1 day. I had to send one more final message because my heart breaks for her. In doing so, I feel worse. I was feeling slightly better but after this, I feel worse. I need to stop putting her on a pedestal and worry about me. Here's what I wrote.

 

"this is my final message. it's not to plead you back. When I saw pics of you smoking again, my heart broke. You are so much better than that. Please be good to yourself. You have so much potential. You told me your childhood of being bullied has affected you greatly but you are capable. You are strong. Don't let your need for immediate gratification harm your potential. I know you have self doubts and self esteem issues but you are smart and you must believe in yourself. I believe in you. Please don't let your self doubt take over and engage in self-sabotaging behavior. Your are so much better than that. I always wanted to see us grow together both individually and as a couple but since that won't be happening, I hope from the bottom of my heart that you will realize how much you are capable of and that you will achieve your goals. You won't hear from me again because I must go no contact for a long time to heal and move on. I'll always love you. Please be good to yourself. Know that you are special."

 

 

My heart just breaks so much for her because all her life, she has underachieved and self-sabotaged because of her childhood and her parents not pushing her or setting limits for her. It's just so hard to see someone you care about spiral out of control.

 

With that said, I am spiraling out of control and who's going to help me? I need to help myself. I won't lie, part of me hopes that she will run back to me and say "I made a mistake. I love you and you're the only one " but that's not going to happen. I wish she could see that I will be a better boyfriend and that deep down, I have been the only one who has ever cared.

[SorrowandPain]

I know what I'm doing is dumb. She is with someone else. Someone with whom she emotionally cheated on me. I have given her all my power. I need to stop.

[22n32]

Yeah you gotta stop.. just pushing her even more and possibly restenting u in the end...

 

take 6 months, do not contact her at all.. and see how it plays out..

 

u cant keep doing this your only going backwards.. sooner u stop sooner u can move forward...

 

pouring out ur heart will not get her back... just push her away and make u look weak..

 

no women wants a weak man, they want strong man...

[SorrowandPain]

Today has been awful. Breaking NC really does open up wounds and set you back. I'm spiraling into a dark abyss and I'm scared I won't get out. There are so many reasons as to why I should move on and should see her leaving me for someone else as a huge blessing but I can't see that.

 

I'm not religious but I pray this gets better.

[SorrowandPain]

Day 2 full NC. Mornings are the worst. I can't stop thinking about her emotionally cheating for weeks and then going on a date with the guy before she actually ended it. I miss everything. I want her back. I don't care if I was miserable or will be miserable if I'm with her. I don't care about the many flaws of hers I can't accept. I don't care about all the lies I uncovered. I just want this pain to stop. I want her back.

[SorrowandPain]

My friend who thinks that I absolutely need to move on and getting back together with her would be the worst idea possible said my texts set back the possibility of her coming back in the short-term. I asked him if it would be possible that she will see from the texts that I'm the one who actually truly cared and I will be a better boyfriend. He said no. He said people don't do as they're told and I'm just spoon feeding her reasons why she be with me.

 

Maybe I'm a unique case but when I broke it off with her multiple times (especially the last time in April when I was 100% serious) she sent me many messages about how much she loved meand why we should be together and it broke me down and I took her back each time. Why can't this be the case for her?

 

My friend said for the long term such as 6 months from now, my texts won't affect the outcome. He said it's so situational. If bizarro me finally breaks it off with her, she has sex with the well hung guy, gets pumped and dumped by a few more guys and her life starts falling apart, then the texts won't make a difference and she might come back. If she is able to get some guy to stick around, then her self-esteem won't be as shot and then she won't come around.

 

Perhaps this is wishful thinking but maybe the texts are good for the long term? She obviously has a sour taste from the relationship right now because of how bad it was during the last month, and because of the rebound in the picture so she probably remembers only the bad parts right now. However, we spent 2 years together doing everything together spending all our weekends together. We spent so much time together and went through so much good and bad. It was by far her longest relationship. Maybe if things go bad for her, the texts will be a catalyst to remember the good times?

 

Can someone throw me a bone? I know I need to move on but for now I just need something, anything.

[SorrowandPain]

Also, aren't there stories about people in relationships running back to their ex with whom they shared a really long but bad/toxic relationship?

 

I hate that all logic indicates I should move on but I can't. I've uncovered so many lies she's told me but I still want her. My therapist, friends, family have told me that what you're seeing now is the real her. The smoking, heavy drinking, not going to the gym/gain so much weight so quick is what she wants to do and she only pretended to not want to do it while with me because she wanted me so badly. I simply don't want to believe this. She told me she wanted to make herself better. Perhaps it was all a lie but I want to believe that it's her childhood and the lack of push/boundaries from her parents that is making her do what she's doing. I want to believe she wants to be better but just doesn't know how to. I want to believe she needs me to help push her and make her better like she always said she needed me for.

 

Everyone says that she's doing what she truly wants to do now and being with me was hard on her because she had to pretend to be and want things she's not. I don't want to believe this.

[SorrowandPain]

Found a post by endy which clearly applies to me and why I need to move on never look back:

 

 

 

So why can't I internalize it? I know it's true. I just wish this pain and yearning would go away.

[SorrowandPain]

I'm seriously worried that I'm not coming out of this black hole. I've uncovered so many lies and all logic says I should move on but I'm getting worse.

 

- She told me she doesn't know why she ever smoked and that it's disgusting - LIE

- She told me she doesn't believe she encountered UFOs - LIE

- She told me she doesn't know why she ever wanted to that outdoor rave/Burning Man type event because it's dirty, filled with drugs etc - LIE

- She told me she wanted to take care of her body and get fit and do all this for herself - LIE

- She told me she would never ever cheat - LIE

- She told me it would take her at least a year to get over me during which time she couldn't even fathom having sex with other people - LIE

- She told me she's done with casual sex/one night stands because she needs the emotional connection - LIE

 

Related to the last 2 points, earlier this year I think I had broken up days and when we got back together, I saw on her facebook (I might have snooped once or twice while we were broken up at this time but I didn't do it while I was with her) that she messaged the guy with the big schlong but he never responded to her. She then told her friend that she tried messaging the big schlong guy but he didn't respond. When we got back together I was on her computer and her facebook was open so I said to her "WHO THE * * * * IS _________ (mr. big schlong)?" She told me it was her friend's friend and she's not even attracted to him. I didn't pry further because I always gave her the benefit of the doubt but after seeing her comments the other day about her wanting to have no strings attached sex with him, I guess my hunch was right earlier this year.

 

I know she was free to do whatever because we were broken up at the time but it just shows that what she says means nothing and that she is so quick to run to some guy for sex to feel good.

 

Why can't I move on? I can't stop the hurt or the obsessions. I'm so scared.

[endy]

You can't move on because you seriously don't want to. People come and go, events come and go, it's the river called life. What you are doing right now is not looking at this life as a learning lesson. People, situations, and events are put into our reality for us to learn lessons. That's just the jist of it. Every single relationship ends in this physical life. Either by seperation or by death. It is inevitible. You have a fear of letting go for some reason. You need to conquer that fear.

 

The majority of people on this earth are addicted to physical and material. The issue here is this lesson is none of that, and it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with the growth of your mind and soul. I cannot tell you how that is accomplished. There is no step for step guide, but this in and of itself above is what you need to realize. There's going to be a black abyss right now, and it's going to feel like you're stuck. That's because right now you are. Your actions are making it worse.

 

It's ok to let that person go, as they also have their journey. This is just life. It's what you need to understand is another soul with another journey and plan. It may not involve you anymore. What you need to understand is that she has the right to choose her path, and the way she goes about it. It should have no bearing on yours anymore. What is done is done, and what has been learned, or in your case not learned yet, is there for you as a gift. You do not view it as that and are suffering because of it. I hope maybe THIS perception of breakups or in better terms life helps you.

 

Life is a ever flowing river. So go with it. Right now you are building a dam and not going with it. You are trying to tread against it. There's going to be light again, and there's other people who will be in your life that you will love. What you had with her was not love, and I do not know why you want that back. That's what you need to concentrate on figuring out. You have issues and lessons to learn, and you are seriously going about it the wrong way. Any information you find out or analyze about her is not the issue. The issue is inside of you, and why you are behaving this way still.

 

I thought that the person my ex was... was a great person. I still do. She suffered much as a child, and I realized that eventually. Either way that's for her to figure out. Did she cause me pain... yes. But I did not allow her to contact me or hurt me any longer. To put it short we were having a baby. A month after the misscarriage she left me. I found out at this time she was lying to me about several things, and was forced to dump her as she was trying to get back with her ex and keep me on the backburner. Did I want to? no, but I was wise enough not to fight it because of her free will. How did I deal with it? I looked inside enough to become aware and enlightened enough to know that these are lessons I already know but need to relearn. It's part of my purpose of being on the earth at this time.

 

I thanked the universe for the lesson, allowing me to grow, heal and ultimately be a better person, and for the time I shared with her. I still think about her from time to time, but it's not about what she did. It's hoping that she gets to a place that I'm in right now. Which is just one of being very enlightened, aware, and full of love for myself and others.

[SorrowandPain]

Thanks endy.

 

I really believe I know what my issues are. I know what childhood experiences have manifested into the larger issues today. I know what the issues are. But to use your dam example, it's like I can see all the major cracks in this dam but they're all beyond repair and the dam is going to collapse at any second. I have been to therapy for 7 years now. I don't feel like I've been better. The only thing I guess that has changed is after this breakup, I realize that I can't live this way anymore and I need to change. But like I said, I don't think I can.

 

Why do I want her back? There's probably a ton of reasons. My therapist thinks it also has to do with wanting to fix my mother because both her and my mom are inadequate in so many ways. I also miss the closeness and companionship. We were together for 2 years and did everything together. I miss feeling important. She looked upon me so often for guidance. I also have guilt over how poorly I treated her so many times. I wish I had one chance to give it 100%. Would it work? Probably not. She never did what she said she would do over the past 2 years and she reverted back to the "old" her as soon as I was gone. I probably would end up where I was before, frustrated and having a lack of attraction and respect for her but like I said, all logic is out the window here. I just miss all of it - the bad and the good.

[endy]

It's normal to miss it. I seriously think you need to go to a codependency group or get a different therapist if this one isn't working. Either way if you think you can or can't do something you're right. Henry Ford spoke those words years ago. If you don't THINK you can, you're not going to. So that's the first step you have to believe you can.

 

It's ok to miss all of it. It's not good though to go through her FB or keep in contact with her. Just move on, and let it go. Go ahead and think about it and let all your emotions out, but work through it by yourself.

[SorrowandPain]

I can't even go through her FB anymore. She changed it the day bizarro me broke it off with her but he hasn't totally broke it off with her because the last status I saw was "You keep talking but your words make no sense" and she also mentioned in the texts with me that she's trying to give it a chance. Who knows, maybe he'll end up doing what I did and be in a 2 year relationship with her where he has one foot in and one foot out the door but that's not my concern.

 

Weird she changed her password though. She hasn't done it in almost a year and she never accused me of knowing it over the texts. My friend thinks it makes sense because she thought bizarro me gave her the boot and she probably logged into FB at his place. A huge blessing for me though because that connection I still had with her is severed.

[endy]

Why do you keep referring to yourself as bizzaro me? I'm just curious. He obviously isn't interested in her, but that is besides the point. She's going to remain broken. Right now she isn't showing it because she's in another relationship. Don't worry about it. It's going to take awhile to move on, but with what you did recently you seriously pushed her so far away your friend is right. I would seriously listen to his advice. That is to not get back with her, and to move on.

[SorrowandPain]

Why do you keep referring to yourself as bizzaro me? I'm just curious. He obviously isn't interested in her, but that is besides the point. She's going to remain broken. Right now she isn't showing it because she's in another relationship. Don't worry about it. It's going to take awhile to move on, but with what you did recently you seriously pushed her so far away your friend is right. I would seriously listen to his advice. That is to not get back with her, and to move on.

 

To clarify, I refer to him as bizarro me because he has the exact first name as me, his middle initial is my last name's initial, he looks a lot like me, works at a place I used to work at, and we're both way more educated than she is.

 

She is showing that she is broken though. She has been posting desperate status updates on her FB about her heart hurting and waiting for him to commit etc. She started these posts like within a month of seeing him. Anyone normal guy would RUN seeing these things especially so soon after dating. She is also telling so many people that he won't commit etc etc. She's entering the exact same relationship she had with me except I stuck around and wanted to help her.

 

You said what I did recently really pushed her so far away but is there a chance of recovering from that if I stay true NC for like at least 90 days? Hypothetically speaking of course.

[SorrowandPain]

I dunno, I shouldn't want together with her but because of our unique situation -me having all the power in the relationship, me being neglectful, me never fighting for her, and our relationship being so bad at the end- she likely only remembers all the bad but in a few months down the line if she's lonely, maybe those texts will tip the scales and lead to her remember all the good.

 

Maybe I'm a weird guy but when I broke it off with her all those times (many times I was 100% serious especially the last time), she sent me so many messages begging me back and I was annoyed at the beginning but they all eventually broke me down. Of course I didn't have a rebound to deflect her pleads.

[SorrowandPain]

3rd day of full NC. Not feeling any better. Slept 12 hours. Don't think there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's starting to sink in that she won't ever come back because the relationship was so bad and there was so much hurt. I want this pain to stop.

[Airbag]

Only way to stop the pain is to give in to the break-up and move on.