How can someone just leave you for dead when you've been there for them so many

[SorrowandPain]

So how do you know that the new guy is only using her and will hurt her?

 

To be painfully honest, I dont blame her. Maybe she wanted to start clean with someone new. a toxic relationship can be pretty exhausting both mentally and physically. She probably wanted some dignity and didnt want to keep begging you to show some affection, and/or keep begging you to stay with her.

 

I could just be projecting my desire to have her back but the new guy she's with has a lot going for him it seems. If you read my post above, you'll see why a guy with a lot going for him and is emotionally healthy wouldn't want to be with a girl like that. In fact, the guy she's with now has the same name as me, has a lot of similar physical characteristics, and is educated. I don't want to be a jerk but why is it that he's with her if he doesn't have issues?

 

Also, when I was snooping on her facebook last week, she was talking to her friend about this guy and she said she had a feeling of impending doom because over the past few days prior to that day, she felt that something was off and worried that he was going to give her the boot. People's gut feeling tend to be pretty good when gauging interest and from my experience, she was always right when I was withdrawing from her. She then sent the guy a few really clingy messages asking him if things were ok and telling him that she's had a feeling of impending doom. They have only started hanging out.

 

I don't even know how to feel. Some part of me wants her to be dumped because of the way she left me for dead but I'm trying not to be like that anymore. Another part of me wants to save her. I keep saying to myself "Don't do! Don't let this guy play you." She just yearns for affection so much -affection that I never gave her consistently- and now I hope she isn't looking in the wrong place only to have her heart ripped out. That said, I snooped last night and she was talking to her friend and said she's "dating" this guy so who knows, maybe she was freaking out over nothing and he really likes her?

[SorrowandPain]

Also, just a few more hours left until it's a full day since I've snooped her facebook post BU. It's so hard. I feel like I'm a meth addict and someone's waving meth in front of my face. I just want her back so bad

[SorrowandPain]

Well I'm such a weak idiot. I caved and didn't make it a day without snooping on her facebook. Also found out indirectly that this new guy introduced her to some of his friends so I'm starting to think he actually does like her and she was freaking out over nothing. I guess she's gone for good, has found someone who accepts her, isn't embarrassed by her and makes her happy. I don't believe in god but please if there's anyone up there, please give me the strength to let go and stop snooping on her. It's clear she isn't coming back so give me the strength to move on. Please.

[MK9]

Well, generally we should learn to accept people for who they ware. There's a saying that changing someone's personality is harder than moving mountain. If you love them then you have to accept people for them, not someone you want them to be.

 

Besides, nothing is wrong with fat girls. The fatter the better, all that flesh, man. I like them fat.

[SorrowandPain]

Of course I'm working with incomplete information here but I just don't understand how she could be so off about this guy's feelings about her. Normally she was so good at judging when I was losing interest and she was absolutely freaking out a few days ago to her friend worrying about the guy giving her the boot. Guys usually don't introduce girls to his friends if he doesn't like her. I just want her back. I want it more than anything.

 

She seems completely happy now too. Going out a ton and partying a ton. I guess I was just a cancer who sucked her life dry. I'm such a piece of crap.

[MK9]

Don't beat yourself up. You were doing the right things. That's what you called "tough love," but I guess she couldn't handle it. You care about her future. Obesity kills, and when we get old it becomes all sort of health problem. Totally understandable. And of course, education is important. She promised you that she would change but didn't carry it through. This shows that she's weak willed, so you have to accept her for who she is. However, you didn't do anything wrong. You had good intentions.

 

The only thing you can do now is accept her for who she is or let her go.

[SorrowandPain]

Don't beat yourself up. You were doing the right things. That's what you called "tough love," but I guess she couldn't handle it. You care about her future. Obesity kills, and when we get old it becomes all sort of health problem. Totally understandable. And of course, education is important. She promised you that she would change but didn't carry it through. This shows that she's weak willed, so you have to accept her for who she is. However, you didn't do anything wrong. You had good intentions.

 

The only thing you can do now is accept her for who she is or let her go.

 

It's not my choice to let her go. She found someone else and booted me. This new guy is like me but better. He doesn't seem all depressed like me and has already introduced her to his friends. I hate myself.

[MK9]

There's nothing you can do right now but to improve yourself. Buy some running shoe and hit the treadmill or the out-doors. And learn a things or two from all this. If she comes back to you one day then she comes back, in the mean time there's nothing you can do about this relationship. No point of remembering past event that is eating at us. We have to learn how to let it go and focus in the present moment.

[SorrowandPain]

I know it isn't healthy to be thinking about this but it's all I can think about: does anyone think she'll come back? Maybe I was a cancer to her with my negativity, self-loathing and depression and she's truly happy now without me but she's had issues all her life and maybe they'll creep up after the glow from this new relationship wears off. Who knows, maybe him and this guy live happily ever after but do people think she'll come back? I don't care if I end up unhappy with the stuff I wasn't able to accept I just want her back. If this glow does wear off and her issues rise up again, maybe she'll miss me and miss that I was always there for her and she'll contact me and we'll be together again. Can someone throw me a bone?

 

I'm only 6 days NC but I have been struggling to not text her telling her that I love her, I'll change and beat all my inner demons and I'll wait for her forever. But hell, what good will that do. She told me never to contact her again and that she can finally breathe now that I'm gone. I don't even know if I can change. She was the only person who gave me such an intense emotional bond and I drove her away again and again. Maybe I'm destined to die alone and unhappy.

[SorrowandPain]

There's nothing you can do right now but to improve yourself. Buy some running shoe and hit the treadmill or the out-doors. And learn a things or two from all this. If she comes back to you one day then she comes back, in the mean time there's nothing you can do about this relationship. No point of remembering past event that is eating at us. We have to learn how to let it go and focus in the present moment.

 

I've learned a lot:

 

- I can't be so negative all the time

- I can't be so critical of people; I have to be more accepting

- I have to accept myself

- Relationships are about compromise and give and take. It's not my way or the highway

- I have to be more patient with people

- I have to be more affectionate, not push people away, not fear rejection and thus reject others

 

I could go on and on. I wish she was back.

[SorrowandPain]

I'm such a disgusting human being. Instead of being happy for her now that she seems/is happy, I'm thinking of all the reasons why this guy shouldn't like her. I couldn't accept her so I should be hope that she is happy. I hate who I am. I need to change but I'm afraid I can't. Worst of all, I had a girl who accepted all my flaws and I drove her away. I wish there was a do-over in life.

[MK9]

The purpose of the backward glancing eyes is to learn from the past, not to hold grudges or let the pain eating away at you. Just learn something from it and not repeat the same mistake next time. Hating yourself is pointless.

 

And relax, there are billion people in this world, chances of you being alone for the rest of your life is very low.

[endy]

I'm such a disgusting human being. Instead of being happy for her now that she seems/is happy, I'm thinking of all the reasons why this guy shouldn't like her. I couldn't accept her so I should be hope that she is happy. I hate who I am. I need to change but I'm afraid I can't. Worst of all, I had a girl who accepted all my flaws and I drove her away. I wish there was a do-over in life.

 

 

You need to stop this negativity now. It's not healthy. Why do you hate yourself? You need to get to a point where you love yourself. She didn't accept your flaws, and you didn't accept hers. The relationship was going to end. She wasn't perfect. You've said it yourself. Knock her the hell off that pedestal you have her on now. She was far from perfect and you said it yourself. What you're going through right now is normal. Don't say you hate yourself. Start looking in the mirror and be like damn... I'm loveable. You need to start believing you are. You are, and the universe reflects whatever you think of yourself.

 

Negativity in your thoughts, actions, feelings, and words is only going to cause more negativity. You might wanna check outYou can heal your life by Louise Hay. Right now you're just going through withdrawal. Forget about the other guy. He isn't better, he's a rebound. In time you'll want her to be happy, and it's probably not going to happen until she decides to own and take care of her own issues. Just worry about yourself. Take her off the pedestal, and replace her with you. Read some books to start dealing with your depression etc.

[hazelnut321]

PLEASE LISTEN IN ENDY AND QUIT GOING AROUND AND AROUND IN THIS LOOP OF NEGATIVITY.

 

It appears that you really don't love her. You didn't enjoy her company- she was too clingy, wasn't smart enough and too chubby.

 

It's the old "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her" syndrome. If you would LET YOURSELF MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT HER, you will be so thankful. It won't take long-- if you go NC for 30 days, you will feel a sense of relief from the drama-- and her. You can do this!!!

[SorrowandPain]

I will check out some of the books you recommended endy. Thanks.

 

It's just so hard right now because I now have so many doubts. I don't know how much of my unhappiness in my relationship was due to her and how much of it was due to my self-loathing, negativity, and depression. During the last bit of our relationship, I was always in a bad mood because I hated my job and I was feeling very crappy because my friends are all moving upwards in their careers but I feel like I'm in a rut. I would say to my ex "I'm such a failure. I have nothing." She would reply: "well what about me? You have me" and I would say "meh." Obviously that drove her away and I keep thinking now it was my depression that made me unhappy and not her.

[SorrowandPain]

Also, regarding the weight issue, she's probably closer to 20-25lbs overweight rather than 30 so she wasn't obese but her arms, legs, and stomach made me not attracted to her.

[endy]

I will check out some of the books you recommended endy. Thanks.

 

It's just so hard right now because I now have so many doubts. I don't know how much of my unhappiness in my relationship was due to her and how much of it was due to my self-loathing, negativity, and depression. During the last bit of our relationship, I was always in a bad mood because I hated my job and I was feeling very crappy because my friends are all moving upwards in their careers but I feel like I'm in a rut. I would say to my ex "I'm such a failure. I have nothing." She would reply: "well what about me? You have me" and I would say "meh." Obviously that drove her away and I keep thinking now it was my depression that made me unhappy and not her.

 

 

That doesn't matter anymore. What does matter is you need to start loving yourself again and become more complete. Order the Secret by Rhonda Byrne while you're at it, and possibly also The Power, by her as well. You need to learn about the law of attraction but more importantly loving yourself. You have a TON of work to do on yourself. You don't need to worry about what caused the breakup. It's done, and it's over. The relationship wasn't healthy. For you to be in any healthy relationship again you have to begin to love yourself. No relationship ends because of one person. When one person is not happy with themselves, (and true happiness comes from within not from another) the relationship will not thrive at all.

 

I know you want to rationalize why this all happened, but it does not matter anymore. You can't change the past. You can't rewrite it, it's gone now. You can write your future. What you're going through and going to get at is going to be hard, probably the hardest thing you ever did in your life. But I can tell you right now when you look back it's going to be worth it.

[somethngwrng]

Why don't you focus on how free you are to do whatever you want now that you're single! And you don't have to worry about those horrible feelings and arguments that come with a bad relationship! Relax, hit the gym, play some Xbox, do some study, connect with your old friends.

 

Stop worrying about some relationship you didn't want in the first place. You have a life ahead of you.

[SorrowandPain]

I have gone back to snooping and it has definitely hindered my healing. I need to get a hold of this compulsion and let go. I have had a setback in my healing today and I have a ton of thoughts, regrets and feelings that I need to write down so here goes.

 

From my snooping, it seems like the guy really does like her. I think she met some of his friends on the weekend and these people definitely have things going for themselves. One of the friends I think she met is a not only a DJ at a popular after-hours club in the city, but he is also a graduate student in an advanced science (which I won't name 'cause I don't want to reveal too much). I don't get how she could go from a feeling of impending doom, thinking that something is off and that the guy will dump her to him introducing her to his friends. She's usually pretty good with those gut feelings so I just don't know. Also, I don't why this new guy is with her. I know that sounds terrible but I just can't help thinking that. This guy is basically me -same name, similar physical traits, has a good education, works at a company that I used to work at a few years ago- but minus all the depression, self loathing and negativity. From looking at his facebook photos, he seems like a fun, happy guy who loves going out a lot. If he has friends who are DJs and he goes out a lot, he must meet a lot of women so why is he with her now?

 

Because of this, it has made me feel like complete crap about myself. I now have tons of thoughts racing though my head which are draining my energy. I now think, well if this guy has accepted her, why didn't? I now feel like I made a huge mistake by thinking she wasn't good enough for me. I also feel like a piece of crap because she has moved on so quickly, to a better version of me, and someone who makes her happy and isn't afraid to show her off. It just kills me that she's happy now. I feel like a cancer. We used to go out but not so often because I would often feel down and out. I also thought it was lame to go clubbing with a gf which I have now realized is wrong. She is going out a ton now with her friends but not only that, she can now go out with this guy and his friends. I feel like I was such a terrible, terrible boyfriend.

 

I also feel regret about how poorly I treated her. One problem with me is that she is my first real LTR and I haven't had much sexual experience prior to her because of my lack of self-confidence. Ya I have fooled around with numerous girls but she's the only one with whom I have had sex. Before meeting her, I started to hit my stride and went on a bunch of dates with a bunch of different women (many of whom were further ahead in life than she is) but I ended up with her. Because of my lack of experience and the issues I didn't like about her, I always wanted to get some more notches on my belt before settling down. She knew this and often she was understanding and said stuff like "I feel bad for you because you haven't had much experience. If we get married, I'll let you have sex with a few women so you can get your notches." But it also killed her at the same time knowing that I wanted to be with other women. I never cheated on her and I went back and forth from "this relationship isn't working, I don't want to waste the rest of my youth" to "well I do want to get some more notches, but I want to be with you so I'll forget about that stuff." I did a lot of disrespectful things such as "jokingly" checking out girls in front of her. This I think was due to my immaturity and wanting to annoy her and get a rise of out of her and also me wanting her to get in better shape. I improved a lot in the last half of the relationship with that issue because I knew it was really disrespectful but the damage was done and she was always really insecure.

 

I regret making her feel that she wasn't good enough for me. I always had one foot out the door. I always thought that I wanted someone better and she knew this. At the same time, she would keep telling me that because of all my faults, no one else would accept her but me. She said she could find someone but I won't be able to because I'm so messed up and broken. She would say this often especially if we had a fight or if I wanted out and used it as a way of trying to keep me. It wasn't all negative from her part though because a lot of the time, she was in the caring mode and would tell me that she wants to be there for me and would be there forever because I am so broken inside. She said she wanted me to be and feel better.

 

I just keep thinking that maybe if I had accepted myself more, if I liked myself more, if I wasn't so negative, if I had treated her better, showered her with more affection, showed her that I cared, then our relationship would have worked. I feel like such a complete monster. I also hate how unfair things are. Every time I tried to end things, she would always beg for "one last chance" and she would change for the better. I kept caving in and probably because I couldn't let go of her. But this time when things got really bad, I was the one who begged for one last chance to change but she didn't give it to me. I gave her dozens and dozens of chances to "change" but she never gave it to me when I finally realized that I need to change. I'm just so scared right now that I won't change. I can't keep living with the view that everything is "half-empty." I wish I had her back.

 

Also, another thing that kills me is that when I found out almost 2 weeks ago via her facebook that she was seeing this guy, she said to her friend: "He's everything to me that my ex wasn't." It makes me feel like death. With that said, how can this be healthy on her part? Don't people need to grieve a long but failed relationship? She jumped into this thing with this guy immediately after we were done (started talking to him on facebook 2 weeks before she ended it). How is making your happiness so dependent on someone new possibly a good thing?

 

The selfish part of me hopes that when her faults start creeping out, this guy will reject her and she'll come back to me. I can't think this way I know I can't but I can't help it.

[SorrowandPain]

Another thing that isn't "fair" is all those times when I've tried to end it off, she wouldn't let me (and of course I didn't let myself) and I kept saying to her: "So how is this suppose to finally end then? Am I supposed to wait until you find someone else until you're ready to give me the boot? How is this fair to the both of us?" She would always say that she wouldn't ever do that and she wouldn't find someone else. I just wish I had another chance. I wish I could show her that I'm willing to change and I will put in all the work.

 

Can someone please throw me a bone here? Does anyone think she'll come back because we were so co-dependent on each other and I was her everything? Perhaps in a few months I won't even want her to come back but for now, I just need something, anything.

[somethngwrng]

She may come back, she may not. Are you going to gamble that she does when

 

-You're not attracted to her

-You find her personality and lack of motivation frustrating and undesirable

-She has problems with her temper which you take the brunt of

 

Couldn't you just let this one go and put yourself in a situation to find someone who doesn't have these issues? Take your regrets and what you have learned about yourself and apply them to someone you are attracted to, to be a better boyfriend. If you really loved someone you wouldn't even have these issues.

[endy]

First of all stop accessing her facebook page. Change the password if you need to. The fact that you were both co-dependent is telling you it would never work out. Until she addresses those issues ANY relationship she is in won't thrive. Rebounds have one speed, and that is very fast. THEY DON'T even know each other. They won't for a long time. Once he gets to know who she is, and that will come out after the in love period ends... he'll see she's a broken person. If you keep NC and stop the longing for her she may come back but why would you want her back?

 

It's NEVER one person's fault for a breakup. You're both codependent. In and of itself this needs to be fixed individually. You need to start working on yourself. The best thing to get your ex back, is to move on always. Not sit there and ponder what they are doing. You're putting her on a pedestal. YOU should be on that pedestal always! No exceptions. A person really never totally forgets a long term relationship. Right now she is because she's out having fun, numbing the pain. It's not healthy, is going to add to all the baggage, and if she does come back she will STILL be broken. Right now if you met a chick would you be with her? Would you want to be with a broken person? Because right now that's what you are as well. You need to get back on your own two feet. You need to start NC.

 

Read the PDF again at the bottom of my signature. Drill it in your head that you need to move on.

[SorrowandPain]

Well, mentally today I'm better but I caved and accessed her facebook again. It's wrong but it's a little therapeutic because I saw one of her convos and she found out that another of her managers has been tearing her a part behind her back. The manager was telling people that she hates working with my ex because she's slow as crap just hates closing with her. It basically reaffirms to me all my annoyances with her. Hopefully I can move on sooner rather than later and see that this girl just has too many things that I don't like and it was driving me nuts and affected my respect for her. I wonder why this new guy is with her and how much of her he will be able to accept.

 

I really need to stop going on her facebook though. Hopefully I can stop once my kindle arrives and I'll be able to start the process of improving my mental state and grow to be a better me.

[SorrowandPain]

Looks like things aren't all rosy with her and I feel kind of bad. From the snooping, I saw that she has recently started talking to an old bf from 4 years ago. This guy cheated on her as well. If things are going so well with this new guy, why is she talking to an old bf? I'm making some presumptions here but it seems like she's grasping at a lot of things to fill some emotional void as well as going out a lot. I really do feel bad for her. I hope I don't end up with her again.

[endy]

Looks like things aren't all rosy with her and I feel kind of bad. From the snooping, I saw that she has recently started talking to an old bf from 4 years ago. This guy cheated on her as well. If things are going so well with this new guy, why is she talking to an old bf? I'm making some presumptions here but it seems like she's grasping at a lot of things to fill some emotional void as well as going out a lot. I really do feel bad for her. I hope I don't end up with her again.

 

 

You hope? How about you don't, and you remind yourself why constantly. Start thinking about all of the times you wanted to break up with her and how you felt. You really need to stop going through her facebook. The sooner you stop, the sooner you'll start worrying about yourself. Seriously dude, it's like stalkerish. It's over, it doesn't matter what she does anymore. Look at it that way. Of course she's doing it to get away from the pain of the break up. However, that doesn't mean that you need to resort to spying on her or even wonder about what she's doing. You need to start worrying about yourself and get back on your feet again.