PetiteGirl Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I have a few concerns here... 1) My boyfriend of 3 months told me that he's planning to visit this girl in another state for the weekend. He doesn't have a car so he'll be taking the bus (which will be about 5-6 hours ride). He told me that this girl has feelings for him, but he only sees her as a friend, so he's going to visit her to hang out with her as a friend and tell her that he doesn't feel the same way. I can't quite wrap my mind around that. It doesn't make sense to me that someone would take hours long bus ride just to tell a girl "no." I told my boyfriend that I'm not comfortable with the idea of him visiting the girl, but he insisted because that's the way he is - being honorable and nice. And here I'm thinking the only few motivations that a guy would visit a girl far far away is either she's very important to him or the promise of sex. 2) There's also the concern that he claimed that he can't quite figure out how to get rid of "in an open relationship" status on his facebook from his previous relationship from last year. I haven't mention to him that I know he keeps an active online dating profile and listed himself as single. I'm just observing his action at the moment. Aside from those, he's a wonderful boyfriend and a true gentleman. He's very supportive, calls me everyday, constantly makes plan to see me, and takes good care of me. He talks about me with his friends and family, and I've met most of them. A part of me is relaxed about him having female friends and having his own life. Still, due to past relationship experience, I can't help but fear the worst and having doubts in my head. I'm thinking either I should save myself any possible future drama by cutting him loose or continue to talk to him about these concerns I have. What do you think? Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 he sounds very very sketchy. 'can't figure out how to get rid of the 'in an open relationship status'? uh - it's easy. just go to your profile. and he takes a bus to turn down a girl? i wish brad pitt would come visit me to turn me down. alexander skaarsgard too!! i think you're seeing some serious red flags here! i think he is telling her a very different story than he is telling you. honorable men don't upset their gfs by going on a weekend trip to turn down a woman. Link to comment
DN Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Why does he care more about her feelings than yours? There is nothing to tell her in person that he can't tell her in a phone call. His excuse about being honourable is nonsense. Link to comment
iBroken Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 That is all kinds of inappropriate.......Just sayin Link to comment
alli Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I can see having lunch or something with another girl, even if she has feelings for him & he doesn't for her. It seems odd to me as well that he would take a 6 hour bus ride to visit her for the weekend and let her down gently. You told him you weren't comfortable with it, and he is doing it anyway. Regardless of what type of boyfriend you think he is, if you say nothing more and he does this, it will set a tone for the relationship. Maybe more trips with other females? I normally veer to the side of not being controlling, but this is just ridiculous. No, I don't think it's unreasonable to refuse to date someone who does this. Even if nothing happens between them, the sheer amount of time they will be spending together over the weekend and the complete disregard for your feelings on him doing this are showing you exactly where you rank to him. Personally, I think I would cut my losses now. Tell him sorry, I'm not dating someone who's going to buy a bus ticket, travel accross the state & do God knows what with some chick who has made it clear she has feeelings for him. Have a good time, but I won't be waiting when you get back. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 If his current status on FB is "Open relationship", is it fair to say that his last relationship was indeed an open relationship? To what extent have you discussed/formalized the fact that the current relationship you have with him is 100% exclusive and not open? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 The writing is on the wall, and this will go on as long as you allow it to. Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 If his current status on FB is "Open relationship", is it fair to say that his last relationship was indeed an open relationship? To what extent have you discussed/formalized the fact that the current relationship you have with him is 100% exclusive and not open? He brought up being exclusive with me and wanting a committed relationship with me and I agreed to it... Link to comment
Moontiger Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 The red flags are popping out the ground like daisies. Run for the hills! Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 Updates: I talked to my boyfriend about this issue and tole him again that I was uncomfortable about it. He listened and the girl he was going to visit is now out of the picture. I got the girl's phone number and email if I wanted to talk to her anytime, but I don't care much about it and probably don't plan to use it anyway. The online dating profile and facebook status has been resolved (we just recently got serious so he thought it might look too desperate and too fast if he changed his relationship status on a whim). Overall, my boyfriend is a bit slow and sometimes says stupid things, but he's a good guy. My instinct tells me that he's really not doing anything behind my back. So let's hope for the best. Link to comment
AshleyLynne Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I am glad you resolved it. That wouldve been completely inappropriate. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 You're being snowed, honey. He's cheating right under your nose. Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 Well, if he's cheating right under my nose, he has to be really good at time management 'cause he calls me a few times a day, makes me dinner every night because he knows I've been too busy to cook myself a proper meal and he's concerned about my health for eating out a lot lately. He makes plans to see me during the week days and entire weekends. He's also a full time student. In addition to the time we spent on dates and recreational activities, we studied together. He recently introduced me to his close friends, and we also have been spending some time with his family. Lately he's been asking if he could meet my family. If he's cheating at the same time, that would be something.... What I could tell is that he's invested a lot of emotional and physical energy on me. I'm grateful that he shows that he cares about me. Basically, we sat down and talked about this issue. According to him, he realized what he was doing and about to do were really stupid and was not worth losing me over it. He really had no intention of cheating. We also defined what is acceptable and unacceptable in our relationship while we were on the topic. Overall, this demonstrates the importance of communication in a relationship. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 You're being snowed, honey. He's cheating right under your nose. You cannot possibly know this. Seeing how she's the one in the situation and you are not, I think it's safe to say her opinion is a lot more informed than yours. PetiteGirl, it sounds as if things are on the right track now. I hope they stay that way. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 No red-blooded male would hop on a bus ride and visit a female friend just to tell them that they don't feel the same way and are unavailable. It only takes one message to do so. Doesn't need to be said in person, unless he was going to actually have sex with her, that is. As for the status thing. Has he ever heard of Google? Or visited the facebook help forums? So he is either very slow or he's cheating. Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 You cannot possibly know this. Seeing how she's the one in the situation and you are not, I think it's safe to say her opinion is a lot more informed than yours. PetiteGirl, it sounds as if things are on the right track now. I hope they stay that way. Thanks, Oneironaut. Since this incident, it really opened up our line of communication. It changed the way how we resolved conflicts. It's a lot easier for us to talk to each other now. No red-blooded male would hop on a bus ride and visit a female friend just to tell them that they don't feel the same way and are unavailable. It only takes one message to do so. Doesn't need to be said in person, unless he was going to actually have sex with her, that is. As for the status thing. Has he ever heard of Google? Or visited the facebook help forums? So he is either very slow or he's cheating. Yeah, most guys would go to the distance for sex, that what I thought so too initially, but over time I came to understand that my boyfriend is actually somewhat naive. He thought going there to talk to the girl would give her a proper closure, since he didn't get any closure from his previous serious relationship. Who knows. The previous time he logged on to facebook was 6 months ago. He's finally figured out the new format and how to change the status. He's actually very slow, but he's learning to be more sensible and I'm definitely seeing the result. Link to comment
Snny Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 He told me that this girl has feelings for him, but he only sees her as a friend, so he's going to visit her to hang out with her as a friend and tell her that he doesn't feel the same way. Assuming he is telling the truth... he is really placing himself in a really bad position. Visiting a girl who has feelings for him and spends time with her ALONE... there's a lack of good sense there. I got the girl's phone number and email if I wanted to talk to her anytime, but I don't care much about it and probably don't plan to use it anyway. How is it necessary to have a stranger's contact information? I mean... what do you really plan to do with it? You will come off as the psychotic girlfriend for confronting her. Set some relationship boundaries. Link to comment
PetiteGirl Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 Assuming he is telling the truth... he is really placing himself in a really bad position. Visiting a girl who has feelings for him and spends time with her ALONE... there's a lack of good sense there. How is it necessary to have a stranger's contact information? I mean... what do you really plan to do with it? You will come off as the psychotic girlfriend for confronting her. Set some relationship boundaries. Yeah, I already told him that he would be in a bad position and he finally understood. He's a good guy, but he's slow. He's working on getting his good sense back on track fyi. Hmm, there goes the "blame the girlfriend because she's psychotic" excuse. Why judge so much anyway? Again, I DON'T PLAN TO DO ANYTHING WITH IT. In fact, I already tossed it away weeks ago. I got the girl's contact information because my boyfriend volunteered it to me. I never asked for it, but he gave it to me and explained it to me that I'm free to contact her if I want to get both sides of the story. This is behind us now. No point in bringing it up a solved issue over and over again. I was just posting an update for anyone with similar problem and is looking for a solution. Link to comment
DN Posted July 1, 2011 Share Posted July 1, 2011 i am glad the situation has been resolved and that the relationship seems to be back on track. Link to comment
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