My Online Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Me Last April After Almost 4 Years

[annie24]

and you sent an email regarding meeting ...... and he hasn't responded to that. that's your answer right there.

[minerva82]

He told me he was scared, but also wrote "maybe in the end it is best we meet, you see me for what I am and lose your feelings for me." Sometimes I think he might not want to meet just so he can guarantee I'll always be in love with him.

[annie24]

so in other words, he does not want to take this relationship into the real world. there is your answer.

[ibu]

Maybe if I wrote him asking if I could message his mother or brother, he would finally respond to me.

 

He doesn't respond to you. HE IS NOT INTERESTED.

 

Also, you're planning on asking his mother or brother about him having a girlfriend or not, but you are the one with a husband and child? Wow. Just wow.

Good luck! (sarcasm)

[PhilliesFan001]

 

 

Minerva, please listen to what everyone is saying.

 

1. DIVORCE your poor husband. You don't love him, you don't seem to have any respect for your marriage and frankly he doesn't seem to have much self respect if he is willing to stay with you. You say you're staying together for your "child's sake" but don't be so naive. Children are not oblivious. Growing up in a home with two parents who obviously don't love each other and especially with one parent who is obsessed with having an online affair...it's not healthy. Do what is right for your family and untangle them from this mess before you take it further.

 

2. This guy does not want to meet you. I'm sorry to be blunt but literally EVERYTHING in this thread is a red flag. It's been years. If he wanted to meet you by now, he would have. No excuses. My fiance is from another country, we didn't meet online but most of the first 4 years of our relationship were long distance. We were 3500 miles apart and yet we still planned 6 visits a year, talked every day, etc.

 

He is not making an effort because he does not want to meet you. Period. He is not interested.

 

Please get some respect for yourself. Stop obsessing over this guy. He is not worthy of your time because he is giving you NONE of his. Stop bothering him, stop emailing, stop calling, stop everything.

 

Please consider counseling and move on with your life. You've wasted too much time on this guy.

[minerva82]

Yes, I realize he appearantly does not want to meet me, for whatever reasons, but I cannot ever be happy if I never see him.

 

Now, I think this is crazy myself, but I am more and more leaning towards the plan of going to see him, unannounced, in late April or early May. I just can't keep suffering like this for years and years, when I can end it by seeing him - however brief. Hopefully it turns out he is nothing like I imagined, and I fall out of love with him.

[annie24]

where will you tell your husband that you are going?

[minerva82]

I will tell him I need a few days to myself. I have been talking up the need to go away for a few days for some months now, just in case my online-ex wanted/wants to meet me.

[annie24]

and he isn't going to ask where you are going, who you are going to visit, how to get in touch with you if there is an emergency...?

[minerva82]

Oh, I'm sure he will. I haven't figured out all the details yet, but I will bring my mobile phone in any case if he needs to call.

[annie24]

well, i wish you luck.

 

be prepared for any possibility - he may welcome you with open arms (but i sort of doubt this). he may not answer the door, or you might meet him and not like him. Or.... you may travel all that way only to find out he is out of town. there are 100 different possibilities, be prepared for any of them.

[PhilliesFan001]

I really don't think going to see him unannounced is a good idea. Meeting someone offline takes a lot of preparation and discussion. If somebody i had been talking to online randomly showed up at my house one day, I would be very annoyed and a little creeped out.

 

I really don't think this is going to end well.

[checkmedown]

I personally think it's a good idea that you do this, but only if you tell your husband before you go. You are having your cake and eating it by going without telling him what's up. If you meet this guy and you hit it off then you are going to drop your husband in a split second and if you meet this guy and you don't hit it off presumably you are going to carry on as things are. Does that sound fair to you? Treat others how you want to be treated. You know it's not right how this internet guy is still treating you yet you're no better yourself keeping your husband in the dark.

 

As for meeting this mystery man. Most likely he will freak out but at least you will get some closure. Hopefully you will also find out what his secret is.

 

Btw something else you might want to do is this. Set up a fake dating profile and have the pictures of some flawless super model woman (real looking pictures though) and send him a message. He will likely reply and through talking to him for a few days you will be able to ascertain whether he puts EVERY woman he talks to on that site through the same routine (i.e. never meeting them). This would take some work though, and might take more than one fake account before he takes the bait.

 

Regardless. My bottom line is. Tell your husband your feelings. Go to meet this guy and take things from there. If I had to put money on it, he has some horrible secret. Let us know how it goes.

[Oneironaut]

minerva, you didn't answer my last question, which is fine, I rather suspect you don't want to face the answer, but, I'm going to try again with a different question...

 

He has time to add women to his FB page, he has time to update his profile on a dating website, but he doesn't have time to contact you...

 

How do you explain this?

[abitbroken]

Minerva,

 

A woman who is jealous and obsessed claims that every woman a man she likes looks at is hideously ugly and has three noses. He adds these women because they might have requested his friendship, but because he wanted to add them and communicate with them. He doesn't want to add you because he doesn't want to encourage you, or at least thats what I think, or he is afraid what you will post on his wall. I don't really know the reason.

 

Quite frankly, if you just show up at his door, don't be surprised if he takes out a restraining order. Do you even know where he lives? Also, sometimes when people do something like that, I would be worried for you own physical safety as no one knows what other people do when startled like that. Also, if you go to an unfamiliar town you may be so preoccupied you will forget the basic safeties like carrying your money safely, not paying attention and being alert in your surroundings. The United States has some pretty safe towns, but anyone wandering around at night not sure where they are going and not paying attention to their surroundings is vulnerable just like in any other place in the world. And your emotions put you at risk for forgeting ll that two. Just take extra extra care with yourself.

 

I also agree, you are not being fair to your husband. Either forget this guy, and go seek help for your post partum depression and then deal with the relationship with your husband or leave your husband.

 

I would not advise to send the letter. but in some ways, if you send that letter to his mom or brother, maybe the world will come crashing down enough for you to realize how masochistic and unkind you are being to yourself. if you do send it, expect to be blocked form communication from him and a falling out among his family --- do you really want that to happen ---- or your letter will be discarded as coming from a psycho. I don't know if that is wise because it will either cause perhaps a nervous breakdown or you will be even more determined that "he didn't respond, his family did".

 

I really think that you need some help in counseling. Pray on it, if you are a woman of faith and honestly make the mind quiet. Seek out a doctor for post partum depression if you won't go to a counselor to talk this out and be guided to maybe a more healthy outcome. You are torturing yourself.

 

I know you probably can't be talked out of anything - but those are just my two cents.

[minerva82]

Just an update, considering that so many of you were kind enough to write me thoughtful advice and opinions.

 

My internet ex STILL has not replied to any of my e-mails. I realize he is probably either too scared to meet me because perhaps he looks better in his photos than in person, maybe he is seeing someone, or maybe he just doesn't really care about me. Either way, it seems like I wont be hearing from him in a veeeery long time, if ever.

 

As I wrote earlier, I felt devastated when I discovered he has an active profile on a dating site - so obviously he has time to communicate with females there, but not even give a one-line reply even to any one of my e-mails. Priorities..... Maybe he doesn't even meet anyone from there, perhaps he just likes to flirt online, or is less scared to meet someone he just communicated with a short time as opposed to me who he's known for years.....

 

Anyway, someone said that since I don't love my husband, I am bound to keep falling in love with other men. While I realize this is true, I still was hellbent on loving only my internet ex. However, this comment combined with the fact that my internet ex has an active dating site profile, triggered me to create my own dating site profile!

 

As insane as it sounds, I did it because I thought maybe it would get my mind and heart off this guy. This site I registered on is one where some people look for a partner, others for friends, others to have a fling etc., indicated among other things by your relationship status. I listed myself as married, and before I had the time to write much if anything in my profile text, I got lots of messages from men. One in particular caught my interest, as it was from a man who was also listed as married, and wrote me an intriguing message telling me he was looking for excitement. We e-mailed back and forth, exchanged photos, and met within a week of our first contact.

 

The instant I met him, I felt a "wow" as he looked better than his picture, and after a mere few seconds it was clear the chemistry between us was beyond terrific, it felt magic. We sat next to each other in a sofa in a cafe, and talked non-stop for about two hours. We parted, and he mailed me the next day saying he couldn't wait to see me again. To make it short: Since that first meeting in early April, we've met four times and slept together all times, and plan to meet to continue where we left off later this week.

 

The point? I feel a million times better than I did in March, I feel like I can go about my every day life without feeling this constant pain inside I used to feel because of my internet ex. I keep finding myself smiling when there is no apparent reason to, just because this new man gives me butterflies merely thinking about him and how wonderful everything is when we're together. It is beyond fantastic to feel happy again, it kind of spreads from inside me to the outside resulting in my mood being better, feeling more energetic and upbeat. Of course, we're both married and our affair probably wont last too long, but for now it is magically surreal to have a few hours with this wonderful man when I need to.

 

I realize most people will think this is immoral and selfish, but truth be told I don't feel bad about it all. I feared I might get a bad conscience, but no, I feel no remorse, no guilt, no shame, just happiness and excitement. I cannot wait to meet him again. The thing is that this affair is improving my life and thereby my family's as well. This man sees it the same way, and it is so good for my mental wellbeing to be able to take a break from "reality" on a regular basis, to just relax, love and talk about how you really feel, beyond all the cliches and smalltalk a normal person engages in in everyday life. We only have one life on earth, and it is a waste to keep being unhappy when you have the chance to be happy, however brief or infrequent, and I'm not hurting anyone either.

 

However, I still miss my internet ex, and I would like more than anything to meet him, but for now I can bear his silence and rejection(temporary or permanent, only the future will tell) due to this amazing new man.

[Daligal83]

How are you not hurting anyone? You are cheating on your husband...who loves you even though you don't love him. And what kind of example are you setting for your son? To only think of yourself and your needs and no one else's? What about this other man's wife? Don't you think she would be devastated if she found out? You need to learn to see beyond yourself. Your needs are not the only one's that matter. And I'm sure you'll say that your husband and his wife will never find out...but people find out ALL the time. Take a look at the posts in infidelity. It scares me that you see nothing wrong with this.

[annie24]

I, too, think that you need to figure out what you want with your husband. If the marriage is gone beyond repair, then just divorce him, and then you can be free to meet the right man. But what you are doing now to your husband is absolutely not ok.

[abitbroken]

Whenever we are hurting or feeling lacking, filling the void by substituting one vice for another or one person for another only distracts us temporarily from the real issue at hand. The issues are you refuse to try to get help for post partum depression, refuse to give your husband the time of day and refuse to either go to counseling, choose to give him a shot, or leave him. Having a sex partner who you don't really know all that well (don't know if he has been tested for STDs,don't know his home life) not only puts you at risks but also subjects your son to risk (who knows if he has a wife who would come confront you). Do not live a life of going from one guy to the next for the sake of your son. Finish something you have committed to - either committing to your husband or leaving him. More likely, you need to commit to yourself. Be comfortable being in your own skin without fantasy men to distract you.

 

I feel that you are on a dating site to have the last word or get revenge over your internet love even though he won't see it and won't care.

[greywolf]

To me it seems like you weren't really into your 'internet ex' as a person and just really needed someone/anyone to give you a thrill, which is what this new guys provides. Even if your conscience doesn't tell you that this isn't ok to do to your husband, have you thought of your children? Have you thought about how they'll feel about you when (not if, when) they find out?

[minerva82]

Daligal83:

I've seen studies that show that only about 50% or so of all infidelity gets found out. Also, this man I'm seeing has been married for little over ten years, and I'm his third affair since he got married - the wife is still clueless. We are very discreet. We haven't even shared phone numbers, and only communicate through a joint e-mail account he set up for us. I don't care about his wife, or rather, if anything I feel jealous.

I am not setting a bad example for my son, or hurting my husband, as neither will ever find out. The only way they can find out, is if I tell them. Of course there is no reason to do that, only selfish people confess this kind of thing so they can "clear" their conscience.

[minerva82]

annie24:

I don't think my child should grow up with divorced parents, divorce might have to wait till he moves away from home after high school.

I also actually don't think I'm doing anything bad towards my husband, as this affair will never be exposed, it lifts my spirits and makes me a better person in my everyday life.

[minerva82]

abitbroken:

I don't see why I shoud go to marriage counseling when I know what the problem is: I don't love my husband. Of course, we get along ok anyway, so there is no crisis that needs to be resolved.

This new man has actually showed me papers stating he does not have any STDs, and I did the same to him. What this man's wife is concerned, I am not worried at all. This man cheated before, and is very discreet and clever about it.

As said before, I feel like I cannot divorce until my son moves away from home.

You are right about my reason for being on a dating site, and the revenge part makes me want to e-mail him and tell him about what I'm doing, but I've restrained myself so far.

[minerva82]

greywolf:

No, I was and am still into my internet ex as a person. I love him as much as you can love someone you've never met. With the new guy it's different, it is not love, but it is excitement (or thrill, as you say), and he gives me butterflies in my tummy. I just love spending time with him, it is a much needed break from reality, and it is magical.

This affair will not be found out unless I "come clean", which I know I never will.

Maybe this is part cultural, how so many Americans condemn adultery regardless of the context, while in some European countries such as France, Italy and others infidelity is often more or less accepted or at least expected.

[annie24]

greywolf:

No, I was and am still into my internet ex as a person. I love him as much as you can love someone you've never met. With the new guy it's different, it is not love, but it is excitement (or thrill, as you say), and he gives me butterflies in my tummy. I just love spending time with him, it is a much needed break from reality, and it is magical.

This affair will not be found out unless I "come clean", which I know I never will.

Maybe this is part cultural, how so many Americans condemn adultery regardless of the context, while in some European countries such as France, Italy and others infidelity is often more or less accepted or at least expected.

 

Some people justify these things by saying 'lots of people do it, everyone does it in france, etc....' I can condemn you all I want, but at the end of the day, this is about you, your husband and your child. You took a vow to be faithful and honest to your husband. He is the one who gets most hurt by this. how would you like it if he met someone else, carried on with her. or did other things behind your back, like invested a great deal of money into the stock market, bought or sold your home, or made other large decisions without your knowledge? it's your marriage, not mine.

 

Honestly, I think you sound really unhappy and miserable and are trying to find scraps of happiness or momentary contentment wherever you can. I think it's sad. I think you'd be better off divorcing your husband, spreading your wings and finding what truly makes you happy. otherwise - what sort of life do you have to look forward to? where will you be 15 years from now? in the same loveless marriage, older, uglier, with a teenaged child (children?), finding random office romances to pass your time? what happens when your kids grow up and leave home?