My Online Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Me Last April After Almost 4 Years

[annie24]

It was in aitbroken's post on page 12, post no.116 in this thread.

 

"Blowing snow"

 

I've not heard the expression used in that way (maybe it's a regional thing?) but I've heard "blowing smoke" which basically means he's just lying to you or saying pretty things that he doesn't mean.

[annie24]

Sure, but one of his relationships lasted more than three years. Are there really that many couples who stay together that long if they're not happily in love? They did not live together, no kids, no engagement or marriage, so no reasons like that to stay together were in the picture.

 

Yes, I have certainly seen people who aren't happy for years stay together. both in ENA and in real life. In any case, we don't know what went on between him and his exes.....

 

I think with a man, you have to go with how he is acting currently, not how he has acted in the past. people change their minds and hearts all the time. sometimes a guy acts really into me, then a few months later, he pretends to barely know my name. or vice versa. you just don't know.

 

I wouldn't apologize to him in advance for "making him take time off of work." the whole premise behind meeting is to see if there is any chemistry. this goes for anyone. if there is not, you can hang out as friends, or if things are really terrible, just leave him alone and go sight seeing on your own (if he lives in a city that is interesting). I would certainly not stay at his place, I would book my own hotel room.

 

I think it's quite clear that you are willing to risk your marriage for all of this. ok, well, that's your choice. However, given how he's acting now, I'm not sure if he wants to meet you.

 

here's what i would do, if i were in your shoes: get out your calendar and say to him, "Ok, I can fly to meet you April 21-26th or May 13-19. Tell me which time works best for you. I will make a flight then." If he hems or haws or at the last minute, he can't meet, ditch him for good. That's just me - it's "make it or break it" time.

[kelless]

Minerva, I still hold out the last hope for you not to meet this man. I know I sound like a broken record but if you do you risk a) risking your marriage and your family unity and b) his past behaviour is just so flakky and unreliable.

 

Are you sure you can't request a webcam chat?

 

But honestly if you MUST visit him, then talk to him about it first as suggested by Annie. Even though, he had said he wish you could surprise him, I really find it hard to believe that he would actually appreciate that surprise. Plus, if you go and he happens to be out on a trip, then that would really be a waste of time. Anyway, like Annie, given Mr. PhD's past record of failing to honour his promise of meeting you, you have to be prepared that he might bail, or he will give you another one of those excuses such as he is busy that week or he will visit you some other time etc.. However, just know that you have given Mr. PhD enough chances, this time you plan to put yourself out to such an extent by going to visit him at your own expense, at the risk of your family finding out. If he still gives you all those excuses given the serious risks you are putting yourself into, then he really just doesn't have any character to owe up to the real reason why he has bailed on you so many times in the past. Don't give another ounce of yourself to a man who doesn't have character.

 

Having said that.... I still think it is a bad bad bad idea. Just wish we could somehow convince you of it.

[ibu]

Just putting in my 2 cents here, but the fact that he cannot have a webcam chat for whatever reason, is extremely shade and would be a huge red flag for me.

Last November, I flew 6000 miles to meet my online crush, but had I not seen him on webcam first, and exchanged countless videos and pictures and messages and phone calls and what else not, I would never have done it. Plus I was pretty sure about what to expect. He had always been pretty consistent about what he said, and had never bailed on me before. If he said, I'm going to call you on that day and hour, he always did it, without fail.

But what you're describing...he doesn't seem like the most reliable guy, I'm sorry to say.

Your decision seems already made. But I'd hate to see you back here after you've met him and all of us having to tell you "I told you so".

[abitbroken]

 

That he doesn't respect my marriage doesn't bother me at all, since I don't even love my husband. I felt happy beyond words that time when he told me he did not think I am immoral for wanting him to make love to me despite being married, because we precede my marriage he said. What does "blowing snow" mean anyway? I've never seen this expression before.

 

If I ever go to see him, I cannot tell anyone about it. It would be bad, and why cause unnecessary hurt? It seems selfish to me that somehow the "right" thing is to be honest about such matters, when often it happens because the guilty party just wants to clear his/her conscience.

 

This is very troubling. It is not about whether you are in love with your husband or not as far as the online guy goes. If a man doesn't respect marriage - in general, the institution of it, as in OTHER PEOPLEs it speaks volumes about how he treats women and will treat you if you get together. It means that he has no boundaries. There will be another woman he "talks to" or maybe more. He'll be getting pictures online and asking you what you think.

 

(btw, by not respecting, I am not talking about "not believing in marriage" like my friend who proclaims himself an "old hippie". just not for him. He did have an "old lady" who he was together with for 35 years before she died and they were for all intents and purposes married except for the piece of paper and treated eachother as if they were married. Big diff in "not believing it is for you" and not RESPECTING the marriages of others.)

 

A respectable man if he really wanted you would back off to let you resolve your marital issues. He would go about his life. If you became available someday, then he may do something or not if available. It is just like the other advice given to people here who consider cheating. at least man-up/woman-up and resolve your relationship.

 

ALSO....of COURSE he is not going to think of you as immoral because that is what he wants. He gets an ego boost with you thinking about him so much and that he has to do little to nothing in return. he contacted you again because he doesn't have a log in the fire at the moment. He doesn't have a steady girlfriend right now and is in between women and thought that he'd see if Minerva still found him appealing either for an ego boost or to see what she was up to. If he meets someone locally, you will probably be a memory. Unless he is seeing someone now.

 

If this were not involving a marriage and a child and you were a single childless woman, I would give you the following advice: do not get on a plane. You have done plenty for this relationship. he has the total upper hand. Make him come to you. if he won't get on a plane and meet you for coffee or for lunch, then you will know once and for all what the answer is. It doesn't mean you are worthless or unattractive. His life is just different and he also just likes the idea of the fantasy. You are so much more worth all of this.

[Oneironaut]

He has said many things stating he wants us to meet.

 

I apologize, I seem to have missed that entirely.

 

All of the above, and so much more that I can't even write, is devastating me because he basically promised me we would meet, and now he is acting so cold and stops all communication for weeks at the time. I can't decide if he is really is just insecure about his looks and afraid I wont be attracted to him, if he just pretended to love me all along and is trying to reject me without hurting me too much, or just general nervousness and feeling too much pressure. It is painful either way.

 

Weeks at a time??

 

Damn, I wish I could make you understand that THIS ISN'T RIGHT.

 

A man who loves you DOES NOT GO WEEKS AT A TIME WITHOUT COMMUNICATING.

 

You're making excuses, plain and simple, about the looks thing. That has NOTHING to do with him going weeks at a time without writing you something, ANYTHING.

 

However....all that being said, I'm going to say something now that will probably be dumped on by the rest of the posters here, but, I'm going to say it anyhow.

 

If you are THAT determined to go fly out to show up on this guy's doorstep by surprise, I say go for it.

 

Frankly, at this point, nothing anyone is saying is deterring your desire to do so. The only way I see for you to wake up from this fantasy is to stare the gorgon in the face, as it were.

 

In other words, do it. Show up unannounced. See the look on his face when he realizes who it is. And if he shuts the door in your face, well, you'll have your answer and you'll have learned an EXTREMELY expensive lesson, both financially and emotionally. That lesson is, quite simply, be suspicious of people you meet on the Internet who act incredibly secretive, and disappear for weeks at a time.

 

But do it SAFELY. Leave word of where you're going and where you'll be and where you're at with trusted friends, or family members, at ALL TIMES.

 

Yes, I know, many of you are going to say this is incredibly unsafe and irresponsible. But people, read her posts. She is going to do it, whether we explain all the reasons why she shouldn't or not. She is, like a woman deeply in love, making massive excuses for all his behavior. She is going to do this, so I say, give her our blessing, but encourage her to do it SAFELY.

 

Going long-distance to meet someone is NO more dangerous than getting into a man's car after one date, which a lot of women do every day. The important thing is to take precautions, and, who knows? Maybe they'll look each other in the eye, declare their undying love, and live happily ever after.

 

And if not, the only way for her to escape this fantasy world is for the bubble to burst in her face. Some of us need life to deal us harsh hands before we truly learn.

[aminaSa]

If you will get your "peace" by meeting him then go for it,you deserve it after all these years..buy your ticket,find him,see him!

 

I would do it if I felt the way you describe you feel.

[minerva82]

You think it is 100% impossible for him to love me because he stops communicating for weeks at a time sometimes? Maybe you're right, but he always has told me he loves me, and wishes he could talk to me more (unfortunately, there are not that many options available to speak since we have a seven hour time difference, I am married and he has a job that he puts in a lot of hours for). Aside for these last 2-3 months, he has always apologized for not writing me more, and seemed sincere.

 

Now, I'm worried he is really terrified because we talked about meeting in March/April since last summer, and it's close to crunch time. I just wish he'd talk to me more about why he is scared.

 

Anyway, you are right about me needing to meet him to end this fantasy world of him and me that I've created. If the bubble bursts in a bad way, that I realize I don't have any romantic feelings for him whatsoever, that would be good, but if it turns out we do have romantic feelings for each other, then that would be good to. Either way, I would get it out of my system.

[minerva82]

If you will get your "peace" by meeting him then go for it,you deserve it after all these years..buy your ticket,find him,see him!

 

I would do it if I felt the way you describe you feel.

 

Thanks. I do want to do it, I'm just scared of his reactions. I mean, could he call the police, even if I would never be threatening in any way? I would like to e-mail him and tell him I deserve to meet him after all these years.

[annie24]

I think you need to look within yourself and decide that this is 'make it or break it' time - either he is ready to meet or he is not. if he does not want to meet, you need to seriously move on and recommit to making your marriage work. if he wants to meet, then go and see what he is all about. but seriously, after 4 years, like you said, if he claims to love you and want to see you, he should be happy you want to see him, not evasive.

[kelless]

Thanks. I do want to do it, I'm just scared of his reactions. I mean, could he call the police, even if I would never be threatening in any way? I would like to e-mail him and tell him I deserve to meet him after all these years.

 

Minerva, when you posted the last last comment, I can hear from your words that you have thought about this logically and are going to make a decision that is right for you. Well whatever you decide I hope it ends well and will pray for you that God will protect you on your journey.

 

But still Minerva, if you are really going to meet your guy, please please please just discuss this with him first. I don't see why the need to surprise him.

[kelless]

But can think of a million reasons why it would be a bad idea if you don't talk to him first about it

[Solo Pilot]

Since pretty much everyone in this thread has tried to tell you that you should stop seeing this guy and you have ignored them and continued having an online affair(btw whats that like for the soul?) then maybe you should go see him so you can get him out of your system. At the very least get him to webcam first. Just know your travelling down a dangerous road that one day you might regret.

[Starrgrl]

He got you wrapped around his little finger =(

Go see him if you want, though really... I think it'll end in pain.

[inmyopinion]

I don't intend to be mean, but are you INSANE??? You'd really risk your marriage over someone who has been wishy washy with you for years? Someone that would never commit to meeting you in the past, or sticking to plans? I really hope you reconsider and put your husband first. How would you feel if you husband were chatting someone up online and making plans to meet them? I bet that wouldn't go over so well.

[minerva82]

Since pretty much everyone in this thread has tried to tell you that you should stop seeing this guy and you have ignored them and continued having an online affair(btw whats that like for the soul?) then maybe you should go see him so you can get him out of your system. At the very least get him to webcam first. Just know your travelling down a dangerous road that one day you might regret.

 

Why would it be bad for my soul? I am not enslaved by religious concepts of sin and that vows are unbreakable because some so-called omnipotent "God" sanctions them. Love and happiness should be the goal of life, and my soul suffers because I do not have happiness. My soul would feel a lot better if I get to meet this man, and hopefully experience some moments of love and happiness with him. The chances of that seem slim now, but I am still hopeful, perhaps foolishly.

 

I have seen lots of pictures of him, and I know he is who he says he is. I know I might regret meeting him if things go bad, but even then, wouldn't it be better to meet him and fall out of love with him, than to wonder what might have been the rest of my life? I think so. I don't want to end up old, angry and bitter.

[minerva82]

I don't intend to be mean, but are you INSANE??? You'd really risk your marriage over someone who has been wishy washy with you for years? Someone that would never commit to meeting you in the past, or sticking to plans? I really hope you reconsider and put your husband first. How would you feel if you husband were chatting someone up online and making plans to meet them? I bet that wouldn't go over so well.

 

Again, I don't think I am risking my marriage. If he wanted to meet someone, I'd tell him to go for it. I don't love him. I know this man might never commit to meet me this time around either, but I desperately need at least closure of some kind, so just get some peace of mind. Meeting him, if even just for a short "date" to have dinner together, or a short conversation face to face would do it.

[Daligal83]

You are only seeing things from YOUR point of view. You say you are not risking your marriage because you do not care about your husband. Well he loves you and he probably would not be OK with you running off to meet this other man. You are a wife and a mother, it's not all about you anymore.

[Starrgrl]

It's absolutely saddening to see how selfish some ppl are. God I feel so sorry for your poor husbund and children =(. They don't deserve this at all.

 

Even if you don't love your husbund, have some freakin empathy what you're doing is not right.

[Starrgrl]

I know everybody has different morals and ethics, and some people are more empathetic and less selfish, but darn. Can you just CONSIDER your husbund's feelings for one second? What about you childrens?

 

-_-

[kelless]

Hey Minerva, I just think having a family is not easy. There are people out there like me who wish they have a loving husband and a gorgeous child. They are your blessings. If you must meet this man to get it out of your system, there is no one to stop you but just remember you might run the risk of breaking up ur family if you fall in love with this man or if your husband finds out.

 

At the same time, your guy hasn't been very reliable. I think going to visit him is not a good idea especially if it's going to be a surprise. In any case, it's your decision.

 

By the way do you still talk to each other? If so how often?

[inmyopinion]

Again, I don't think I am risking my marriage. If he wanted to meet someone, I'd tell him to go for it. I don't love him. I know this man might never commit to meet me this time around either, but I desperately need at least closure of some kind, so just get some peace of mind. Meeting him, if even just for a short "date" to have dinner together, or a short conversation face to face would do it.

Ok I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly but now you don't love your husband? Ok then LET HIM GO. Divorce him. Let him find someone that appreciates and loves him back. Or are you going to string along your husband for a few more years? I take it back. Go for it. Meet this mystery man. You two deserve each other. And as for closure, if you really want it, you create it yourself. Stop texting, messaging and thinking about this guy. That's how you get closure.

[80r]

You need to let this guy go. Obviously, he has some sort of fetish for girls being in love with him. Odds are, you're not the only one he's been stringing along for years. Let it go. If he wanted to be with you, he'd have been with you years ago.

[minerva82]

Ok I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly but now you don't love your husband? Ok then LET HIM GO. Divorce him. Let him find someone that appreciates and loves him back. Or are you going to string along your husband for a few more years? I take it back. Go for it. Meet this mystery man. You two deserve each other. And as for closure, if you really want it, you create it yourself. Stop texting, messaging and thinking about this guy. That's how you get closure.

 

My husband does not want a divorce, so for our child's sake we are going to stay together for years to come. Yes, I realize that stopping all communication is also a form of closure, but not the kind of closure that would ever give me peace of min.

[minerva82]

It's absolutely saddening to see how selfish some ppl are. God I feel so sorry for your poor husbund and children =(. They don't deserve this at all.

 

Even if you don't love your husbund, have some freakin empathy what you're doing is not right.

 

Why do you assume I have no empathy? Just because I will not sacrifice myself 100% and be 100% miserable? I do love my child, and my husband and I are on good terms even if I don't love him. We don't have a bad life, just that it would be better if I could meet this man and stop feeling heartbroken and suicidal every day.