My Online Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Me Last April After Almost 4 Years

[minerva82]

kelless and annie24, you're really sweet and nice trying to help me with your advice and experiences. Thank you both! Also thank you to all the others who have spoken their mind in the thread.

 

I do realize it is wrong and possibily futile to want to meet him, and that I'm wasting time thinking about him, missing him, loving him and loning for him. I wish that we had met six years ago, more than anything. But I cannot turn back the hands of time, and things are what they are, and I just don't see how I can ever be able to simply put him out of my mind forever. I would never "run away" with this man though, I would not do that to my child. Hypotethically, if we meet and fall deeply in love, and if he truly wanted to, I might consider a divorce - not running away.

 

I wish he would have said something to alleviate my pain, and I even sent him another e-mail last night. I told him I feel like I am loosing my sanity, and that maybe I should just go see him, and reminding him how he told me some months ago that he would not have minded it if I had come unannounced years ago, and hoping he still feels that way. I have not heard from him since his e-mail before the weekend. If he just said sweet things without meaning them, why would he spend all that time doing it(on msn, the phone, e-mails)? I just don't get why he would waste his own time even like that. Couldn't it be that he genuinely thinks he is too unattractive for me to really like him (like he seems to say in his latest e-mail)?

 

I miss him so much, I wish he could just act like an adult, and tell me we will meet. Before Christmas, his tone was completely different, he told me he would love to meet me, that he'd take a couple days off so we could spend a long weekend together, and that of course I'd stay at his house. Now, I find myself begging him in e-mails to see him, offering to stay at a hotel and meet him for only an hour or two at a restaurant. I am that desperate, and that probably scared him off even more The thing is that even if I get to see him by coming unannounced, it will be marred by the sadness of having to go there without him meeting me at the airport, driving me to his house in his car, hanging out with him all through the day etc. But I guess it is better than nothing.

 

Don't know about the post natal depression, it just feels like experiencing a very painful heartbreak and there seems to be more pain each day instead of less. I know it will always be painful to some degree, if I never get "closure". And I cannot get that if we never meet.

 

I'm so jealous of you, kelless, you're so lucky having gotten to meet your guy like that. It must have felt wonderful for you that he made you feel so welcome and appreciated. How nerve-wrecking was it spotting your guy at the airport and meeting those first moments?

[minerva82]

Can you go to the doctor? I agree with the posters who suggest you might have depression relating to the birth of your child (hormone fluctuations). This is very common, and it is treatable. it might help you with the crying and trying to get a better frame of mind.

 

Well, I think it rather is just heartbreak, but not sure. I just know it hurts, and I think meeting him would cure it, either by "breaking the spell" or by falling in love with him in person(even if I cannot have a relationship with him, it would be infintely better to see him "live" than just seeing his pictures, text on the screen and listening to his voice).

[annie24]

i think that the webcam is the way to go.... if he refuses to see you on webcam, how could a real life relationship ever happen??

[minerva82]

I don't even love my husband, and I cannot make myself give up my dream of meeting my "ex". I think I would still love him at 90 if we never meet, and I'd end up being bitter in addition to already being unhappy. If I just get to meet him once, I will feel like my life was not lived in vain.

 

Oh, we're not in touch on facebook. I never requested to add him, or vice versa. We use mail, msn and phone/voip/skype. Silly me would probably keep sending him loveletters on e-mail even if he ends up rejecting to meet me.

 

Is it really possible for someone to come accross as VERY high in self-esteem online, and be the opposite in real life? I saw on the dating site he is a member of, that his test scores there said he has "high self confidence", and his interaction with his friends on facebook give the impression that he is very funny/sarcastic and popular among them. I just don't get it. He had three girlfriends before we started talking six years ago, one of those relationships lasted about three years! And he has had "three or four"(his words) girlfriends in the years we were not in touch. He described them all as average, compared to me as he said. But still, if he truly is an insecure person in reality, then why has he been able to have so many girlfriends? I go crazy thinking about this.

[minerva82]

i think that the webcam is the way to go.... if he refuses to see you on webcam, how could a real life relationship ever happen??

 

Well, he has always seen me on a webcam (maybe I didn't make myself clear before), just not me being able to see him I'm afraid if I push him on this issue, he might stop contact all together. I'd rather meet him face to face, than to risk it all by demanding to see him on webcam.

[annie24]

why is it "risking it all" by not simply asking for "face to face" meeting on webcam?? i think you know well enough that a man who won't meet you via webcam won't want to meet you in person either.

[minerva82]

why is it "risking it all" by not simply asking for "face to face" meeting on webcam?? i think you know well enough that a man who won't meet you via webcam won't want to meet you in person either.

 

Because it adds "pressure," and I don't want to do what more than necessary.

[Daligal83]

I think he is getting what he wants out of the situation. He tells you what you want to hear, gets the ego boost of you pining for him, and then disappears so he doesn't have to actually act on anything. He never really apologizes for his behavior or takes any responsibility. He just wants you to want him because it makes him feel good. Someone who really cares about you wouldn't treat you this way.

 

And I understand that you don't love your husband, but does he deserve to be treated this way? Is he a bad person? Is he even aware that you don't love him?

[minerva82]

I think he is getting what he wants out of the situation. He tells you what you want to hear, gets the ego boost of you pining for him, and then disappears so he doesn't have to actually act on anything. He never really apologizes for his behavior or takes any responsibility. He just wants you to want him because it makes him feel good. Someone who really cares about you wouldn't treat you this way.

 

And I understand that you don't love your husband, but does he deserve to be treated this way? Is he a bad person? Is he even aware that you don't love him?

 

I hope you're not right, but you probably are.

 

My husband is a good person, and a good father, I just don't love him. There's nothing wrong with him. He knows I don't love him anymore, but he loves me and doesn't want our child growing up in a broken home.

[Daligal83]

If he's a good person and you are agreeing to stay married to him, don't you think that planning to meet a man you say you are in love with behind his back is still deceitful? Just because you aren't in love with him doesn't give you the right to explore other options. I think if he found out about this, it would hurt him so much. And I know you said he won't find out, but that's not the point. You don't do something that isn't right just because you think no one will know. It still isn't right. You have agreed to stay married to this man and he deserves better than this.

[annie24]

Because it adds "pressure," and I don't want to do what more than necessary.

 

necessary...... for what?? what is your end goal?

[minerva82]

necessary...... for what?? what is your end goal?

 

My end goal is to get to meet him, however difficult it may be.

[minerva82]

If he's a good person and you are agreeing to stay married to him, don't you think that planning to meet a man you say you are in love with behind his back is still deceitful? Just because you aren't in love with him doesn't give you the right to explore other options. I think if he found out about this, it would hurt him so much. And I know you said he won't find out, but that's not the point. You don't do something that isn't right just because you think no one will know. It still isn't right. You have agreed to stay married to this man and he deserves better than this.

 

Well, I wouldn't mind if he met another woman or two, and I've told him this. I mean, I don't love him so I cannot expect him to abstain from things that naturally occur in a marriage(for instance sex).

[Daligal83]

And he is OK with this agreement? And realizes that you may want to pursue others as well?

[minerva82]

And he is OK with this agreement? And realizes that you may want to pursue others as well?

 

No, I haven't told him about that. I would like to, just don't know how.

[Daligal83]

Well I think you need to have a discussion with him if you really want to pursue others. Otherwise, you are being deceitful. Just because YOU are OK with him seeing others, doesn't mean he feels the same way. He may not want to stay married to you knowing that's how you feel. He is your husband and a good person, he deserves your loyalty and honestly.

[kelless]

I'm so jealous of you, kelless, you're so lucky having gotten to meet your guy like that. It must have felt wonderful for you that he made you feel so welcome and appreciated. How nerve-wrecking was it spotting your guy at the airport and meeting those first moments?

 

To answer your question Minerva, I told him not to pick me up at the airport, even though he offered to:

a) There is no way he is seeing me after a 6.5 hours flight with no make up on from New York (I visited my friend from university in NY before heading out the Portland)

b) My plane was landing at 11p.m. and he had to go to work early the next morning. Seeing that he could finish work at noon on the next day and then spend the rest of the long weekend with me, I thought it's just better for us to meet the next day.

c) As much as I think I might know him, posters on this forum had reminded me that there is still a chance that he may be a psychopath and I should be careful about hopping into his car right away and I thought that made sense.

 

When I actually flew into NYC from Hong Kong and before I went to Portland, there was a week before we met where I questioned myself as to what I am doing? Is he really who I think he is? Am I going to be safe? Why am I meeting his parents on the first day? Why am I going to his church? Why does he use the word "dating" to describe our relationship? Why does he want me to stay overnight on the first day at his parent's place? What is wrong with him, is he going to propose to me on the weekend lol? Those are the parts where I thought ... he is coming on too strong and before I met him just by talking to him online ... he has always been a very distant and emotionally detached person.

 

If you have read my posts, when I sent him photos of myself, his reaction was ... "that's nice" and that's it. When other guys would be like ... oh you are so hot bla bla bla. Because all my photos on my dating website are all headshots, I thought it only be fair to show him a picture of me in full length so I sent him a photo of me in my bikini on a beach holiday (don't worry nothing seedy, just me looking sporty and on a holiday on a beach, just so he can determine for himself whether I have a skinny frame, an average body type or if I am chubby or obese). I have sent the same photo to other guys on my dating website and they were all like .... wow you are so hot and sound like they have blood coming out of their nose. Meanwhile, he was like .... "you are not as fat as you make yourself out to be" and that's it!!! I am not saying I am some swimsuit model and he has to be drooling over my picture, but I do have a normal woman's body and most men tend to be pretty excited about a normal woman's body. His four favourite responses on IM is "ok", "that's nice", "yes", "enjoy". Like whenever I tell him I am going to do such a such a thing now which is very exciting for me ... he would say .... enjoy! ... and that's it!

 

Anyway, I am sidetracking, but you get my point that he is very emotionally detached in my view before I met him. So I was nervous about that... but all of sudden he is talking about meeting with his parents etc.. just prior to landing in Portland and I got nervous. I thought... what are his expectations here? Having said that, I still wanted to present my best self when I meet him. So the morning before I met him, I couldn't resist but go for a run in the gym of the hotel so my skin doesn't look so dry and hoping that perhaps that 1 hour gym session made me more tone. Then after gym, I took my shower, and I started to worry about whether my hair looks right etc. etc..

 

We met at noon on a Friday after he got off work. He texted me to tell me that he has arrived at the hotel lobby. I was super nervous. Couldn't help but check myself out for another 10 minutes in the mirror before heading down to the lobby. I have a colleague who does online dating as well. He has met loads of women off his dating website and told me that when you meet someone for the first time, within 10 seconds of seeing them in person you always know whether you two are right for each other. So, I was down at the lobby, he was the only one sitting there, but he was typing away on his smart phone, so he wasn't even looking up to see when I was coming etc..! So I walked up to him and I tapped him on his shoulder. We were like ... wow ... hi .... and we did one of those very light and gentle hugs ... appropriate for two strangers meeting for the first time. Remembering what my colleague told me about his 10 second rule, I must say my 10 second impression of him wasn't all that good. He was in a very ugly and outdated looking suit (definitely no Armani, but more like Inspector Morse). He looked very short and skinny to me. He has more white hair than it looks from his picture (well his hair is not fully white, but you could see some white hair... and the thing is I have none). He looks more tired and older than his photos. Anyway, clearly physical appearance wise, clearly he is not within my league (but it wasn't totally tragic either). When he started talking and we walked outside of the hotel to go for lunch, this is the first time I could comprehend what he is like in person. He is very very well mannered, asked me if he could carry some stuff for me, held the umbrella for me, made me walk at the inside of the pavement whilst he walked outside so he could guard me from ongoing traffic etc.. We got to this restaurant and he was explaining to me, what food they have in the restaurant, how to order, what to order ... It just appeared that he was putting in a lot of effort to try and make me feel comfortable, when I have always had this image of him being this cool detached personality. He looked nerdy, sounded nerdy and acted nerdy. Once we settled down he explained to me the restaurant we were eating at was the first restaurant he dined at, at 17 years old!!! because his family apparently is quite the Puritan type. That scared the * * * * out of me. At 17 years old, I have already been to several continents, flying business or first class, not to mention that I have had any type of food there is. So that was what the first moment was like. He reminded me of my loser accountant cousin who has never had a girlfriend at 38, but worse!!!! So for the first 2 hours of meeting him, in the back of my mind I was like ... * * * ? What have I gotten myself into. Of course the situation got much better over the course of the weekend, it's all in my thread. I think he just presented himself badly in those first instances.

 

(N.B. sorry Mr. P, I know I am * * * * * y with all the above comments, but just wanted to be honest to Minerva here and I know you will never read this in your lifetime, so you don't really need to know)

 

Whilst I don't want to judge what your current state of mentality is, the purpose of me going over to the States to visit this guy was really just for a meet and greet. I never thought I was in love with him or anything when I was talking to him online and prior to meeting him. He just happened to be my favourite guy to talk to from my online dating website and he intrigues me with the way he thinks. Plus I just didn't want to waste all that time chatting with someone and not knowing who they really are. I just thought it's better to meet and get it out of the way and see if there is any potential rather than wasting months. I never thought I would come back home with a lover or anything like that (lol and I didn't). But in your case ... I could tell you are so in love with this man.... After I met my guy, he turned out to be everything that I thought he would be but 10 times better. We shared a really nice and wonderful time together and even though I had mentally prepared myself to be disappointed with him or at least be aware of the reality that we probably won't have a lasting meaningful relationship because of our distance, the fact of the matter is, I still came back sad and a little heart broken because the weekend had to end. But you are sooooo emotional with this man ... I am not sure that you can handle it.

 

You need to read my full thread . Mr. P and I only have the obstacle of distance. Whilst you and your Mr. PhD has the obstacle of distance, a child, a marriage, and a rocky past history.

 

On the one hand, I respect you as an adult and you are able to make your own decision, but I cannot possibly encourage you to go and visit him because of the so many reasons that I have already told you. But most primarily because you have a family and your decision will detrimentally affect two people who are your husband and your child. Honestly, you really can't do this. But even if you don't care about them at all, you need to take care of yourself. You know this man has not been reliable in the past, he seems to have no problem with continuing to flirt with you or be suggestive to you despite him knowing that he is hurting you emotionally and that you are married.

 

You say that he has seen you on webcam but you haven't seen him on webcam. How is that an equal relationship? If he is sincere about meeting you someday or getting to know you, then he would have shown himself on webcam already, no matter how shy he is. Even if he lied about his pictures or who he is and he is just a really really ugly loser in real life, you have done more than enough to make him feel secure that no matter how he looks or who he is in real life, you are going to be ok with it. Yet, he still doesn't want to reveal himself to you. That could only mean he has no intention of ever meeting you or showing himself to you in real life. For him, he is able to make the distinction that your "relationship" exists on cyber space only and you are somebody he likes to talk to in his spare time. It will never cross over to the boundary of real life for him. Do you understand that? You say that you don't understand why he spends all that time talking to you on MSN etc. if he really isn't interested. It's like me ... why do I bother to respond to your post? It's fair enough that I care enough about your situation and don't want you to make the wrong decision, but am I interested in getting acquainted with you or any of the posters out there in real life? To be honest, I am not.

 

So be sensible about it Minerva. You have a lot to risk and lose if you make the wrong decision here. You are so emotional right now if you do make that leap you need to assess whether you can handle any disappointments, any damage or hurt he might inflict upon you. If you show up unannounced there is the real possibility that he will call the cops. Will you be able to handle that?

 

You also need to assess whether you can handle any temptation that you might have of continuing to see him after you meet him and he does turn out to be someone you like. Do you really want to divorce your husband, leave your child in Scandinavia and move to the US and be with this man? Nevermind your husband, but the child is your child. Ok, you might be able to take your child with you to the US, but how are you so sure that you will get a green card? How are you so sure that this man can accept your child into his life? There are so many complicated issues here with your situation. But most importantly, you need to look into the mirror one of these days. Look seriously, and ask yourself this question, do you want to be the wife or mother who divorces/leaves her husband and child because of a "stranger"? Do you want to be the one responsible for your child not growing up with a complete family? Do you want to be the one responsible for your child not having a father? Do you want to be that type of a person?

 

(I don't want to judge anyone's character, but we all need to have some moral boundaries in our lives. Otherwise we will be no different from animals. So, please think about it. Please please please. You are so emotionally engulfed with this guy at the moment. So, please just do yourself a favour, calm down a little. If you feel depressed, perhaps go to a psychiatrist, try some anti depressants and see if you feel better. When you are less emotional, then you can make the decision as to what you want to do, ok??)

[kelless]

And let me just add. I have been open with sharing my experience with you, but from what you have told us .... it really isn't the same situation. So don't learn from me. Afterall, if you have read my thread before this one (which unfortunately was closed down) you will see how many attacks I got from different posters... saying how stupid I was for making such the trip that I did. I could be stupid, but the outcome of my trip and the risk that came with it was something that I could bear. I was only putting my own emotions at risk, not my family's.

 

Moreover, you perhaps would still benefit from reading my second thread that I have given you the link for .... you will see even though it was a very pleasant visit. I still came back with questions, wanting more and definite emotional turmoil. Meeting my Mr. P was not the be all and end all. It was not a fairy tale ending. Right now I haven't spoken to Mr. P for two days because I needed to just withdraw myself from him so I could give myself a chance go back to normal life and not be all emotionally caught up with missing him. It may well be the day after tomorrow when I speak to him again, we have both flushed each other out of our systems and that will be all there is to it. So, in my case, meeting Mr. P was only the first step, if we were to have any meaningful relationship, there is a long long long long long long long long road. It already seems impossible, not to mention that the only obstacle that we have is our distance.

 

Not that the undermine the obstacle of distance, it is a big obstacle ... if we do decide that we want to be together someday, there is the question of who should move where, our careers, leaving our lives behind in our own countries and moving .... sacrificing all of that to be with each other .... and let's say I do move to Portland to be with him. I will only have him in my life... nothing else. No family, no friends, no job, no security, nothing familiar. Different food, different culture, different lifestyle.... can I handle that? Moreover, can he handle the pressure of being the only thing in my life? To be honest, the more I think about it, the more unrealistic I think it is ... no matter how much I want love and want to be with him. Meeting him was great.... but did it bring me more happiness than before? I am not going to answer that one.

[kelless]

My husband is a good person, and a good father, I just don't love him. There's nothing wrong with him. He knows I don't love him anymore, but he loves me and doesn't want our child growing up in a broken home.

 

if he is a good person, do you think he deserves to be put through what your Mr. PhD is putting you through? The same hurt, the same emotional damage? if not more? Do you really want to be the type of person who would inflict such pain?

[kelless]

Remember we are adults... doing and wanting should be two different things

[abitbroken]

When or why did you stop loving your husband? Are you mistaking the lack of honeymoon spark for lack of love? Is it post partum depression? Or are you not allowing him in your heart because you are obsessing about this other man. It is interesting in reading various threads from various people about how love is lost quickly when someone else comes along. And not that they really do stop loving them but decide to. I think that you are OBSESSING about this guy and it is very unhealthy. it is almost like someone fantasizing deeply about a famous person that one got an autograph or a chance meeting or a 6 degrees of separation thing with and for some reasons believes they are meant to be together. Not because he is famous but because he is so built up inside your mind.

 

WHy has he been able to get a lot of girlfriends? Well, what's the difference between someone who had one steady girlfriend and things didn't work out, versus in that time, a man having 6 girlfriends who he has for a very short time each? It doesn't mean that the guy necessarily is more appealing to women, he just goes through relationships faster because he can't hold onto them. Also, he could be a big talker. He could have fantasized about a girl for awhile and then went out with her once, and can tell you she was a girlfriend and you have no way of knowing if that is true or not.

 

Let me tell you what real love is. Real love is when someone has been with someone through the good times, but stays by their side when they are not at their best. When someone also is willing to make sure the other has food and is clothed when they are sick, pregnant, or unable to work. When someone knows that their partner could be rejecting them due to hormones or a weird feeling, etc, and yet they stick there. You know your husband loves you. I would work on your marriage. If you feel unfulfilled, try to find a cause you believe in and volunteer. It will give you new purpose. I know being a mom is extremely purposeful and important, but just that little extra might just give you a new spark and have you meeting new people. I just have a feeling that it is not really "your husband" but because you are all mixed up inside over this. You have been given no reason to doubt your husband's love. With this other guy - you have gotten nothing but disappointment and rejection! Maybe it is just the thrill of the forbidden.

 

This guy won't even meet you, and then now he has you so manipulated and turned around that its all you think about. The reason why you want to meet him even though it goes against all of your common sense is that it validates you. It proves that you are "good enough" since he has made it like you haven't earned it in some way.

 

I believe that this guy may not even be capable of a relationship. he is either extremely manipulative, extremely socially anxious or both.

 

BTw, as far as on Facebook - people can become whoever they want to be on the internet. You don't know - it could have taken them all day to come up with that witty comment. Or they can communicate with those people because they really don't know them in real life.

 

Listen to what you are saying life will not be in vain if you didn't meet him??? You mean that this is what you are living for? Next time you think of that, look at your beautiful child. Surely, you have a higher purpose than meeting this man.

[kelless]

Let me tell you what real love is. Real love is when someone has been with someone through the good times, but stays by their side when they are not at their best. When someone also is willing to make sure the other has food and is clothed when they are sick, pregnant, or unable to work. When someone knows that their partner could be rejecting them due to hormones or a weird feeling, etc, and yet they stick there. You know your husband loves you. I would work on your marriage. If you feel unfulfilled, try to find a cause you believe in and volunteer. It will give you new purpose. I know being a mom is extremely purposeful and important,

 

Totally agree abitbroken! Might I just add Minerva, I saw the little replies you have left me on my various threads and posts where I talked about my experience of meeting Mr. P and you say how jealous you are of my experience. Let me tell you, I am jealous that you have a gorgeous child! I wish I have a child of my own by now and you know what ... that may never happen for me. So count your blessings, cherish what you have.

[engraved2008]

I am not going to give up everything, I've never met him, as you know. Since I have a child, there could never be a relationship either, I just want to meet him at least once. I don't want to live my life never knowing if it was real or not.

 

Hey girl,your story is similar with mine...pm me if u want....me and him met...i had a boyfriend at time....i left him....then we had a one year relationship....he ended,i m living with someone....i tell u more....go with your hart....u ll wonder if u did not....go see him i say....

[engraved2008]

I hope you're not right, but you probably are.

 

My husband is a good person, and a good father, I just don't love him. There's nothing wrong with him. He knows I don't love him anymore, but he loves me and doesn't want our child growing up in a broken home.

 

I m going through a similar situation

[lavenderdove]

Oh wow, wow, wow... just STOP now or you will be eternally sorry.

 

The online guy is just a fantasy, and that is all he has ever been. And someone who could talk a good game, but didn't care enough to actually meet you.

 

Or just as likely, was probably not who he represented himself to be. He could be a 60 year old guy, or weigh 750 lbs, or be married, or in prison or wherever, and just lie about himself and who he was, and never actually meet you.

 

But most likely he was married, and can only meet you within very narrow parameters, overseas when he won't get caught by his wife. It is VERY common for dishonest, bored married men to troll online for excitement and online fantasy affairs to spice up their domestic routine. While the wife is upstairs bathing the babies, he is in the basement pretending to be single and corresponding with who knows how many women online to amuse himself.

 

Don't give up a real life and family for some guy who most likely is NOT who he claims to be. A decent guy who had real potential would have met you early on, and carried on a REAL relationship with you rather than a fantasy online one. He would also leave you alone when he heard you were married and had a baby with someone else. Only an awful person would jerk you around like he did, then try to entice a married woman to meet him later.