My Online Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Me Last April After Almost 4 Years

[KH26]

I agree with everything Annie has said. Also, he might have shown you paper's saying he doesn't have STD's but if he's willing to sleep around the how can they be completely accurate?

[ibu]

greywolf:

No, I was and am still into my internet ex as a person. I love him as much as you can love someone you've never met. With the new guy it's different, it is not love, but it is excitement (or thrill, as you say), and he gives me butterflies in my tummy. I just love spending time with him, it is a much needed break from reality, and it is magical.

This affair will not be found out unless I "come clean", which I know I never will.

Maybe this is part cultural, how so many Americans condemn adultery regardless of the context, while in some European countries such as France, Italy and others infidelity is often more or less accepted or at least expected.

 

I wouldn't state that in Europe infidelity is expected.

 

You forget that affairs can be found out even if you don't come clean. You can be as discreet as you want, but sooner or later someone sees you and does the job of coming clean for you. Good luck with that!

[kelless]

Minerva, I was going to come on here and tell you about this episode of Dr. Phil that I watched the other day that made me thought of you.

 

That episode of Dr. Phil that I watched featured a woman in the US who met this guy on facebook who lives in the UK about ten months ago. The guy told the woman all how much he loves her and wants to marry her etc. etc. She fell in love with this British guy big time. One day this American woman sensed that something was not going right, the guy was withdrawing from her and has stopped answering her emails. So she decided to email a few of the women on his facebook list and asked them "woman to woman" whether this man was trustworthy.

 

One of the women replied and told her that basically she is this British guy's fiance and they have 5 children together. Yet this American lady was still living in denial. She started to think perhaps the British guy didn't want to be with his fiance and will actually break up with his fiance and be with her. So, Dr. Phil sponsored this American woman to fly over to London. They tracked down where this guy lived, the American woman knocked on his door and guess what the guy's reaction was?

 

He slammed the door on her. The woman continued to knock on the door. The guy told her to go away otherwise he will call the cops.

 

I don't know, but does it sound familiar to everything we have discussed about you visiting your ex in the US? So, please be strong and end this obsession you have with your ex. It's not going to end well.

[kelless]

Ok I am glad to hear that you are kinda over your ex, but you did it by cheating with another man? Can you not see that this is a self-destructive path you are going on?

 

It maybe fun to have someone new and exciting for now. I can tell that you crave love, but you are obtaining it the WRONG WRONG way. You are already hurting your husband and your child and yourself. Cheating at the very core of it is being deceitful, no one deserves to be lied to. One of these days you will regret this, even if you say you won't now.

 

The only outcome I could see here with this new guy is:

 

1) your relationship with this new guy is purely based on sex since that is what you are doing every time you are meeting him. It is not love. It is just a bodily exchange. Him getting out of you what he wants to satisfy his sexual needs and you getting out of him what you think is affection and attention. One of these days, the sex will get familiar and boring and this guy will leave or disappear or find someone else. You will feel used and hurt, your body is worth a lot more than just being used for sex by some guy whom is having problems in his marriage even if he may be semi decent looking.

 

2) your husband will find out and he will definitely get a divorced. Your family will be broken up. Your son will have divorced parents and it will affect his outlook on relationships in the future. i have many friends who have divorced parents. They all have very negative thoughts about relationships and marriage when they grow up. They all have no confidence in marriage and it always affects them. I know women who are in their 50s and still refusing to get married because they have been scarred by their parents' failed marriage.

 

My advice is the same with the other posters. Please seek marriage counseling. Your husband and your child and the family you have built together at least deserves another chance. You are not only hurting your husband and child by cheating. You are seriously hurting yourself.

[superfox]

you won't get found out?

 

You are going to remove every trace of this anonymous email account from your phone/computer/ipod/whatever? You want to be someone's plaything based purely on sex? At his beck and call whenever you get the all clear siren?

 

What are you getting out of this? a good looking guy granted. But a good looking guy you can NEVER have a meal in public with, can never have a long term serious relationship with - after all he's a pro in affairs. Love? No. He's not a Mr Right, he's a Mr right-now scratching the itch that you should be dealing with in your own marriage.

 

Mr long-term online guy doesn't want you due to his own lies and failures, Mr sex-on-a-stick is using you. I don't care whether you cheat on your husband, i just give a **** when you're dressing it up in some fairytale language to make yourself feel better instead of seeing the cold hard facts of what you are doing and how you are being used by both these tossers.

 

Are you prepared to wait 10 years until your child is in high school before you leave? When your looks may have faded and your bitterness grown? Does your husband deserve another 10 years of lying and cheating? Does your child need to grow up thinking his mum is a bit 'flakey'?

 

Just stating facts here.

 

If you want to play the game then get out as an adult and play it instead of using your child and husband as a cushion.

[Voila]

Minerva... Honey... I think you are going through a very difficult time in your life. I happened to be searching for an answer myself (online), when I happened to bump into your post... It has taken me two days to read all the replies to your thread... lol... but I was really interested in what you are going through and what you are feeling. I met someone online a few months ago... he was wonderful, perfect... etc... etc... and one day, out of no where, (even after deciding that we should meet months earlier), and him telling me he talked to his parents about me... poof!! He just dissapeared. It has hurt me so much... especially, after I went through a divorce a few months short of a year ago... and so the point is, that even though I am hurt, and desperate to hear from him, to find him, to know what he is thinking, or if he's okay, I also love myself. You have to do that also... and sleeping with other people isn't going to remove that feeling. You need to find peace within yourself... let him go. You are worth too much to go through all that for someone who clearly isn't interested in you, the way you are in him. As for having this affair... well, if it makes you feel great, that's awesome, good for you... BUT you need to think about the family that you have honey... you can't just pretend like you are doing nothing wrong. If your relationship with your husband isn't working out... and as you stated several times... you don't love him, then why are you with him? Why have you not proceeded to tell him you no longer love him? Maybe at that time, you will be completely free to go find your true love... and I don't mean this ex cyber boyfriend of yours. I truly think that you should start with that... a divorce, and that will give you freedom to roam and find what you are looking for.

Et Voila!

[checkmedown]

The person you're cheating with is using you for sex. Sooner or later you will be another one of his burnouts like the the last 3 became and he will move onto the next person to cheat with. And you're already trusting his word, for all you know his last affair could have been found out or he brags about his antics with his mates, he's a deceitful person just like you so good luck putting your faith into that.

[PhilliesFan001]

Please divorce your husband, please please please. He and your child deserve better than this.

 

A child growing up with a mother who is constantly cheating on the kid's father, is better than growing up with divorced parents? Honestly, I know you're going through a rough time and I don't want to be rude, but give me a break. You're being incredibly selfish.

[PhilliesFan001]

I am not setting a bad example for my son, or hurting my husband, as neither will ever find out. The only way they can find out, is if I tell them. Of course there is no reason to do that, only selfish people confess this kind of thing so they can "clear" their conscience.

 

No, only selfish people continually emotionally & physically cheat on their spouses and keep it a secret. Your husband loves you, and he has no idea what kind of woman he's with. He deserves to know the truth so he can make the decision whether he still wants to be with you. You owe him that much, you've been treating him horribly and I'm appalled at your behavior.

[michaelwiliams]

Wish I could say how I really feel about the op..but what's the point in overly rude but obvious constructive critisism?

[wowjhulina]

Not to bring any offense to this thread, but I too have read this ENTIRE thing and have only come to one conclusion: Minerva, you are a stalker. You meet your mystery man, it's a guarantee that you will be arrested. Also with your new fling: I agree with everyone else. He's just using you for sex, and the fact that you clearly know that he can be "discreet and clever" about hiding the fact that he's cheating on his wife with you means that he's done this before...MANY TIMES. Oh, and by the way...just because someone shows you papers stating that they are STD free doesn't really mean that they are. He could have easily forged that paper. Get yourself checked, and get yourself some counseling because HOLY CRAP I've never seen someone who needs it as much as you.

[minerva82]

annie24:

I am not trying to justify my infidelity, but just mentioned this Europe vs. US info to show that it is not that uncommon as some might think. Also, I don't think having a sexual affair with another man is comparable to my husband potentially risking financial ruin behind my back. An affair hurts no one if kept secret, wasting huge amounts of money can cost a family their home, anyone can see those aren't comparable.

 

But yes, I am unhappy, and being with this man does provide not only momentary contentment, but also lots of joyful, positive thoughts and memories. I am leaning towards a divorce being doable sometime in the future, but it is complex when you share a home and family to break it all up, although as time goes by it gets harder to maintain a seemingly happy facade - both to the outside world and inside the home.

 

Some days ago though, my online ex FINALLY e-mailed me. He told me he will be in Europe on a three week business trip, and said it would be fun if we met! He did not mention all the e-mails I've written him over the last few months, or the missed phone calls..... Don't know what to think of it, but I hope that he is serious and finally meeting him this fall would resolve at least some of my unhappiness.

[minerva82]

superfox:

Why do you think he is using me? Just because he is the man? Don't you think that I enjoy the sex as well? Of course I realize this relationship is a sexual one, not a love relationship, but that is what we agreed on beforehand. I did not expect to fall in love with him, but it actually makes the whole thing more meaningful and magical, even if I know that one day we will stop seeing each other. This relationship is wonderful, and in this one life I have on earth I will not give it up until I have to, because never before have I felt this kind of surreal, magical happiness with anyone. I am not at his beck and call btw., doesn't work that way. We always pick times where it fits into our schedules without raising suspicion.

 

I would like to get a divorce, but it is complicated and being a single mother is something I dread more than most things - both for my own part and my son's part.

[minerva82]

kelles:

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

 

I don't believe I am hurting myself by cheating, rather the opposite. Even if this relationship is based on sex, it still provides a kind of happiness and intimacy I've never known before, and I just cannot give it up willingly. One day he will end it I think, but not in the near future. Meanwhile I will just enjoy every second I get to spend witht his wonderful man, and perhaps starting to plan a divorce eventually.

[minerva82]

Voila:

Thanks for your kind and constructive words.

 

Sorry to hear something similar happened to you online as well. I cannot fathom why people can be so cruel to others for no apparent reason even. Now, the new development in my "story" is that my online ex actually e-mailed me a few days ago (I mentioned it in my reply to annie24), so we will see what happens further with that - I am trying to keep my expectations low, but it is hard.

 

As to my marriage; I have told my husband I don't love him, several times, but he insists a divorce is bad for a child, and tells me I'm selfish for wanting to find happiness with someone else. His approach to this, and a whole other range of reasons which would take forever to elaborate on here, is part of the reason why I do not feel bad at all for having a sexual affair with this other man.

 

Even if he does not love me, he is at least taken with me in some way, and I am so crazy in love with him that every touch, every look, every word, every kiss, makes me feel like each moment with feels beyond time and space - we literally lose track of time sometimes and it is the most wonderful feeling. So, as long as my husband refuses to even discuss divorce, I will be having sexual affairs with other men, and who knows maybe one day I actually find someone who I can start a happy life with.

[minerva82]

checkmedown:

Again, I think you're just assuming he is using me for sex because he is the man. Maybe I am using him for sex? He has not forced his previous lovers to sleep with him, he is one of the most handsome men I have ever known. He is 6'4'', slender, blue-gray eyes, dark blonde hair and just overall gorgeous. I don't care if he brags about his cheating to his mates (even if I am pretty sure he doesn't). He seems to be a very private person, even if he is deceitful that side of him is one he only reveals to me and the others he's had similar relationships with.

[minerva82]

PhilliesFan001:

Why do you think only selfish people cheat on their spouses? I am a loving mother and a responsible wife in my everyday life, cheating doesn't alter this. My husband does not want to seriously consider divorce, and accuses me of being selfish when I say I don't love him and want to find happiness, so I think I have earned the right to experience pleasure, joy, intimacy and happiness with this other man whenever I can.

[minerva82]

wowjhulina:

Wow, what to say? It is pretty extreme to guarantee I will be arrested if I meet my online ex. Of course, it could happen, but it is only one out of many potential outcomes. I don't see how I am a stalker for just wanting to meet him once, since I have never harrassed him or interferred with his life. If I was a real stalker, don't you think I would have actually tried to get physically close to him yeeeears ago already? Of course.

 

Yeah, of course this man has cheated before - I've written so earlier in the thread. He has been open about this to me from the start. If he is just using me for sex, then what does it matter as long as I enjoy the sex as well? There's no problem. Just to add: I find I enjoy cheating so much that when my affair ends with this current man, I will probably actively seek out a replacement. It is extremely addictive, and very much part of human nature.

[superfox]

superfox:

Why do you think he is using me? Just because he is the man? Don't you think that I enjoy the sex as well?

I honestly don't think you do. At least not afterwards. You just THINK you do. You're in love with another man who isn't your husband so you've found another (no strings) man who will prove to you that you are attractive and beautiful and not just a mother. He's looking for a hole, not a whole person. You're using his urges to fulfil this lost love fantasy. I'm European, I don't shag around. I'm not a prude and it means nothing to me if you screw x, y and z when I've logged off. But I worry for your mental health and the future of your child.

Of course I realize this relationship is a sexual one, not a love relationship, but that is what we agreed on beforehand. I did not expect to fall in love with him, but it actually makes the whole thing more meaningful and magical, even if I know that one day we will stop seeing each other. This relationship is wonderful, and in this one life I have on earth I will not give it up until I have to, because never before have I felt this kind of surreal, magical happiness with anyone. I am not at his beck and call btw., doesn't work that way. We always pick times where it fits into our schedules without raising suspicion.

I don't believe that you can drop it if he wanted to. Or when he will.

I would like to get a divorce, but it is complicated and being a single mother is something I dread more than most things - both for my own part and my son's part.

Big deal. I'm a single mother and guess what? I have three children. I'm happier than I've ever been and everything I do, EVERYTHING, is for my children.

[PhilliesFan001]

PhilliesFan001:

Why do you think only selfish people cheat on their spouses? I am a loving mother and a responsible wife in my everyday life, cheating doesn't alter this. My husband does not want to seriously consider divorce, and accuses me of being selfish when I say I don't love him and want to find happiness, so I think I have earned the right to experience pleasure, joy, intimacy and happiness with this other man whenever I can.

 

It doesn't mean inherently you're a selfish person, but what you are doing IS a selfish act. You may be a loving mother, but you're not a responsible wife. You have a right to experience love/joy/pleasure/intimacy, of course, but not with another man while you're still married. Your husband has the same right to experience love/joy/pleasure/intimacy, which is not happening here. And honestly, whether you think so or not, this will effect your child in the end. I'm sorry, I just do not understand your reasoning for not divorcing. You don't want your child to grow up in a "broken" home with divorced parents, but you think it's better for a child to grow up in a house of infidelity, loveless marriage and lies?

[checkmedown]

checkmedown:

Again, I think you're just assuming he is using me for sex because he is the man. Maybe I am using him for sex? He has not forced his previous lovers to sleep with him, he is one of the most handsome men I have ever known. He is 6'4'', slender, blue-gray eyes, dark blonde hair and just overall gorgeous. I don't care if he brags about his cheating to his mates (even if I am pretty sure he doesn't). He seems to be a very private person, even if he is deceitful that side of him is one he only reveals to me and the others he's had similar relationships with.

It's pretty obvious you view it as more than sex when you are talking about happiness, joy and intimacy with this man (your emotionally charged words not mine). I mentioned the bragging as that would lead to the discovery of the affair sooner or later. You think you have got all bases covered, you are wrong. You have deluded yourself into believing your children could never find out... it could happen and they will never view you the same if they did.

 

You say cheating is very much part of human nature, I'm sorry but you shouldn't force your weak morals onto everyone else. It annoys me that a person would do something wrong and then justify it to themselves as saying it's human nature.

 

I'm not going to participate in this topic of yours anymore as I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep a civil tongue but you should have some empathy and picture yourself as married again one day and happy and then discovering your husband has been cheating on you and writes it off as human nature and being unhappy. I don't think you would find that very pleasant and fair. You will disregard everything everyone says to you in this topic because you only care about your own wants and desires.

[HeartGoesOn]

Just to add: I find I enjoy cheating so much that when my affair ends with this current man, I will probably actively seek out a replacement. It is extremely addictive, and very much part of human nature.

 

Please...speak for yourself!

[Daligal83]

I know you say that cheating is fine and doesn't hurt anyone as long as no one finds out...but there is no way for you to guarantee that your husband won't find out. Every cheater thinks it's their secret...otherwise I'm sure they wouldn't do it. My ex found out when he was a kid that his mom was cheating on his dad and she told him to keep it a secret. I can't even begin to tell you how much that messed him up. He's still messed up. You need to start to think outside of your own needs and realize how your actions affect others.

[PhilliesFan001]

I know you say that cheating is fine and doesn't hurt anyone as long as no one finds out...but there is no way for you to guarantee that your husband won't find out. Every cheater thinks it's their secret...otherwise I'm sure they wouldn't do it. My ex found out when he was a kid that his mom was cheating on his dad and she told him to keep it a secret. I can't even begin to tell you how much that messed him up. He's still messed up. You need to start to think outside of your own needs and realize how your actions affect others.

Sooooo agree.

 

Seriously OP, you are doing a world of damage to your family and you don't seem to realize it/don't want to accept it.

 

You basically have two options as far as I can tell:

 

(1) Divorce your husband. He may not want one, but in the long run, he will be better off. Divorce your husband, allow your child to grow up with two loving parents who are happier and healthier in their separate lives, and continue to pursue your personal relationships as a single woman, free of deceit, lies, and betrayal. Or...

 

(2) Continue the deceit, lies, and betrayal. Stay caught up in a fantasy, completely hung up on another man while your husband suffers, for now, in the dark. However, you run the risk of him finding out. You run the risk of your child finding out and being subsequently hurt/losing all respect for you. Your child will grow up in a home with two unhappily married parents, which believe me, is traumatizing to a degree.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting things for yourself. You deserve love, respect, pleasure, intimacy. So does your husband, and you are robbing him of this. The longer you're married to him, the longer he is trapped in a sham of a relationship. If you have ANY ounce of respect for this man, you will let him go, to find someone who loves him and can be faithful to him.

 

And don't kid yourself into thinking you're doing anything beneficial for your child. You're not. You're doing this for you, and you only, otherwise you'd realize that children are not oblivious forever. Children who grow up with cheating parents, with parents who don't love each other, who are clearly unhappy with their lives, I can GUARANTEE will be worse off than a child whose parents were smart enough to get a divorce and lead happy, separate lives.

[Oneironaut]

OP, I don't know what the laws are like in your country, but here in the U.S., if a spouse cheats and gets caught, they stand to literally lose everything: Custody of the child, their home, spousal support...I hope the sex is worth this risk.

 

Also, you say it's impossible for your husband to find out unless you tell him. Famous last words.

 

Last but not least, you're not just cheating ON your husband...you're cheating him OUT of the chance to find a woman who loves and respects him, a woman with whom he can happily spend the rest of his life. You're cheating your child out of two faithful, loving parents. I suspect someday, when you're older and have wised up a bit, you're going to see exactly why the rest of us are shaking our heads and saying, "What on EARTH can she POSSIBLY be thinking???"