My Online Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Me Last April After Almost 4 Years

[lavenderdove]

btw, people can also create entire false dating and FB profiles of themselves... he might have one FB identity with his wife, and another one as a single guy.

 

He may date women one after the other, and whenever they find out about his wife or get serious, he dumps them and gets a new paramour.

 

Be VERY careful about meeting anyone online, especially from a foreign country where he could totally lie about his identity and you have no real way of verifying who he is and what his true status is.

[engraved2008]

Yes, having a family can make you feel like you loose part of yourself, but my son is two, so I feel like I've regained most of myself. Besides, I enjoy being a mother (most of the time, anyway). My internet ex was not my first love, but perhaps he is/was the greatest one, and how can I just put all my feelings for him aside for a lifetimes? Even if I meet him only once, and I fall deeper in love with him, I would much rather have that than never having met him at all even if I cannot have a life with him. Sometimes knowing your love is requited can be enough, even if it brings sadness too.

 

Meet him....i met the love of my life...i have felt pain and sadness.....no i do not regret.even if we not together now....u know its for real when u feell it....we just have only one life,its ok to live it to the fullest,even if thst involves dissapointment and sorrow....my mission was accomplished.

[abitbroken]

Meet him....i met the love of my life...i have felt pain and sadness.....no i do not regret.even if we not together now....u know its for real when u feell it....we just have only one life,its ok to live it to the fullest,even if thst involves dissapointment and sorrow....my mission was accomplished.

 

Normally I might agree but I do not agree in this case because he has shown signs of being manipulative and has not been good to her. If he was someone that was kind and generous to her and they had been focused on eachother the whole time and he didn't put her off for years on meeting her (suspicious) that would be different. Plus, of course, she's married with a child.

[kelless]

Agree abitbroken. Please Minerva.... consider very very very very carefully. If you have doubts or if you want to run through ideas by someone, you are always welcome to let us know your thoughts here. We really don't want you to feel sad, but at the same time objectively speaking, I at least (can't speak for everyone else), do see you stepping into a big pit hole if you go through with visiting Mr.PhD because you do have a family and Mr. PhD has not been consistent with you at all in the past. So, please don't rush your decision, think carefully. You have more to lose and risk than me if you go on with this journey.

[kelless]

Remember, even if this is not about what or what shouldn't a wife or a mother should do, you do display an emotional turmoil with this man. Just make sure you are not getting confused between his sweet words and your feelings of being trapped in your marriage. I empathize with that. If you figure out someday that you are just feeling trapped, then work positively towards that either via marriage counseling or taking some time off away from your husband and visiting your friends abroad. Don't jump into a decision that may hurt yourself and others around you simply because you are unhappy with your current state of life.

[Oneironaut]

Just going to throw in my two cents here, after reading through this entire thread...

 

This bothers me the most:

 

Well, he has always seen me on a webcam (maybe I didn't make myself clear before), just not me being able to see him I'm afraid if I push him on this issue, he might stop contact all together. I'd rather meet him face to face, than to risk it all by demanding to see him on webcam.

 

I think almost everyone here will agree that if he has GENUINE feelings for you, he will FIND A WAY to show himself to you.

 

Minerva, he is hiding something, plain and simple. I have fallen in love onlinebefore, but if he'd refused to show himself to me on webcam, it would have ended quickly.

 

You are so afraid of "losing" him, but sweetie, you don't have him now!

 

ALL your communication is on HIS terms.

 

If he doesn't feel like writing, he doesn't. I suspect you could write him and say you were in the hospital, dying, and he wouldn't reply if it wasn't convenient for him at the moment.

 

This guy is NOT behaving in a way that shows he cares, period. What I feel bad about here is that you're so obviously hooked on him, because for the rest of us, it's obvious he doesn't return your feelings at all.

 

You asked why he would waste time saying sweet things to you. It's called, "an ego boost". He loves the idea that somewhere on the other side of the world, he has a woman whom he can ignore for weeks on end, and she STILL comes begging for his attention. Good grief, what egotistical man WOULDN'T love that?

 

Now, I find myself begging him in e-mails to see him, offering to stay at a hotel and meet him for only an hour or two at a restaurant. I am that desperate, and that probably scared him off even more

 

What?? You're worried that you're scaring him off? By asking to see him?? Good grief, if my LD bf had me begging to see him, he'd JUMP on it in a heartbeat!! He wouldn't be scared off, he'd be asking when and where!!!

 

I'm sorry to say this but we've all been there: You are making a fool of yourself to him. I'm sorry, but it's so obvious to the rest of us, and most of us feel badly for you. You would truly be better off closing the door on this chapter of your life and walking away. There is no future with this man, he is too secretive, too unreliable, too inconsistent, and there is just something not right here.

 

That's all I'll say, since it's obvious you're going to do what you're going to do. I just hate to see someone who is obviously sweet and intelligent making such a poor choice here, and every minute you pine away for this guy is a waste of that minute.

 

Good luck to you, I sincerely suspect you are going to need it.

[checkmedown]

You've never seen him on cam after all these YEARS? I highly, highly doubt he is the person he portrays himself to be in his photos. He could be some disabled bald 50 year old man for all you know. If it's not that it's something equally bad like he has a wife or some incurable disease or something. He needs to tell you the truth about what's up.

[annie24]

You've never seen him on cam after all these YEARS? I highly, highly doubt he is the person he portrays himself to be in his photos. He could be some disabled bald 50 year old man for all you know. If it's not that it's something equally bad like he has a wife or some incurable disease or something. He needs to tell you the truth about what's up.

 

Yes, I am 95% sure this is the case. It's too bad OP doesn't see that as well.

[minerva82]

Just want to clear up something to kelles, annie24, lavenderdove, checkmedown, Oneironaut and others that are questioning if he is not who he says he is, has shown me pictures that are not of him etc.:

 

Years ago, when we first started talking, I googled him and actually found that what he had told me was true (before he even had told me his last name). I even found pictures of him before he sent me any, and when he did they were different ones than the ones I found online but obviously pictures of the same person, a year later I found more pictures of him on the website of his university from some conference he and others had attended, tagged with names.

 

Later, after we didn't talk anymore for a long time, I found his ph.d. dissertation online, with his full name, birth date, name of his parents, place he grew up, the topic it dealt with was what he had told me about before etc. We also exchanged phone numbers, and I looked it up on white pages and it was a perfect match, same now, years later, with his new phone number and new address.

 

On the dating site he is on, he is listing his status as single, and uses one of the pictures he has sent to me. I hardly doubt he is putting fake profiles and pictures on a dating site. Yet, he has told me he thinks he will be alone forever (even written this in "facts about myself" on his facebook profile), so that's why is bugs me that he even has a dating site profile.

 

I also discovered recently on facebook, he doesn't know this, that one of his contacts(so-called "friends") had a profile picture of him and two other guys from what appears to be in front of the college they all went to together- it was definitely him. I've also checked out if what he told me about his parents and siblings was accurate, and it was.

 

It just seems like he is not very comfortable with the way he looks, but then again that doesn't match his outgoing, fun, extremely charming personality. Now I've started to wonder (and this may sound awful and shallow) if all his exes really were "just" average looking, maybe even less, and that he thinks that because I am beautiful I will not feel anything for him based on how he looks when/if we meet face to face. Maybe he's never had a woman be totally crazy about him either, and feels that he cannot live up to my expectations of him. I wrote him in one of my latest e-mails(to which he still has not replied) that if we do not feel attracted or in love with each other, that might actually be a good thing, in the way it will end suffering and heartache. I'm hoping he will buy that argument.

[minerva82]

When or why did you stop loving your husband? Are you mistaking the lack of honeymoon spark for lack of love? Is it post partum depression? Or are you not allowing him in your heart because you are obsessing about this other man. It is interesting in reading various threads from various people about how love is lost quickly when someone else comes along. And not that they really do stop loving them but decide to. I think that you are OBSESSING about this guy and it is very unhealthy. it is almost like someone fantasizing deeply about a famous person that one got an autograph or a chance meeting or a 6 degrees of separation thing with and for some reasons believes they are meant to be together. Not because he is famous but because he is so built up inside your mind..

 

I stopped loving my husband after about one year of marriage. I didn't have any contact with my online ex at all then, so I don't think it is related to him. Getting back in touch with him has only made me painfully aware of how clear it is in my mind that I feel no romantic feelings whatsoever for my husband. It's even worse now, because I can hardly bear him even touching me. I feel like that part of my life is over, because any time I see a couple, hear about someone getting married, watch a love themed movie, read anything remotely romantic, all I can think of is how badly I wish I could have him, but I cannot.

 

And I have not told this part to anyone before, but before I got married, I kept having daydreams about him coming to me and asking me to marry him instead. Occasionally during my pregnancy when I'd think of him and miss him, I found myself wishing he were the baby's father. I know it is horrible, and it makes me feel so guilty.

 

WHy has he been able to get a lot of girlfriends? Well, what's the difference between someone who had one steady girlfriend and things didn't work out, versus in that time, a man having 6 girlfriends who he has for a very short time each? It doesn't mean that the guy necessarily is more appealing to women, he just goes through relationships faster because he can't hold onto them. Also, he could be a big talker. He could have fantasized about a girl for awhile and then went out with her once, and can tell you she was a girlfriend and you have no way of knowing if that is true or not.

 

His longest relationship lasted more than three years, and if I remember correctly the two others lasted about one year each. The "three or four" he has had since we stopped talking years ago, were not that long. He told me one of them was special, but he said she was nothing compared to me. I don't know whether or not to believe that if he ends up not wanting to meet me though. I realize that large parts of him are fantasies in my mind and heart, the results of me having filled out all the blanks about him.

 

Part of meeting him would also be a validation, I feel like all his exes didn't really "deserve" to be with him since they just happened to be around, to live in the same area, the same country, while I've loved him for six years and tried to hard to meet him. I do think I have "earned" it, and deserve it, it is so unfair that I who might be the woman who loves him more than any other woman has, is the "only one" that has not had the chance to spend time with him. I know it all sounds silly and childish, but it is how I feel and this kind of jealousy is tearing me apart. It hurts just imagining him talking to other women, let alone pursuing them and be intimate with them.

 

What higher purpose in life is there but love? Sure, I love my child, but parental love is a different kind of love and that alone cannot keep a person fully happy (at least not me), especially when I know this wonderful man exists.

[abitbroken]

Why did you fall out of love with your husband? was there anything specific? Did you try dating eachother again or counseling? While it may not have destroyed your marriage, the thoughts of this man made you unmotivated to try. I think a lot of "falling out of love" is not because the other person changed byt because we are unhappy with ourselves. I really wish you would find ways - getting some sunshine, volunteering, etc that made you feel good and feel purposeful and light. I think that if you find some happiness in yourself you will find all these situations a bit easier.

 

I think it is terribly controlling and a bit voyeuristic for him to be able to see you, but not for you to see him. If he is a PhD, if he doesn't know - he knows someone who knows something about webcam and can set it up for him. Therefore, I think this is a game. You don't know what he is like in day to day life. If he ignores you for months at a time and keeps putting off meeting you, how do you think he is an emotionally and physically available person if you were to be in a relationship in "real life." Yes, "real life," as being an online love involves a lot of fantasy. When I moved to be near someone that I had met - my ex- it was totally different than being online and on the phone. I couldn't be with that person in day to day life but I tried to make it work - and today we are divorced _ i was lucky to be able to get out of an emotionally abusive marriage. He won me because he made me feel like i had no other choice - that he was some prize and there was always one little reason why he wouldn't come see me or he wouldn't marry me and then it was always one more but I for some stupid reason kept trying to figure out and solve 'that one more."

 

I don't think its because you are so prettier than them that he is nervous. Guys that have PhD's and stuff attract women who like status or smarts even if he is not good looking.

 

What I meant about your child - not that it is romantic love - but you have a purpose in life bigger than acting like a lovestruck teenager to someone who keeps pushing you off. Does he care that you are married with a child? Are you sure that these other women weren't married at all.

 

It disturbs me to hear you talk about these women not being special - that they just had the luck of living near him. I feel you are building yourself up for a blow - it is a very jealous reaction to think everyone else wasn't good enough and someone was waiting for you. You know how hard it is to meet someone in a town or city? It takes effort. It is not like they were delivered to his living room one morning.

 

Happiness comes from within - not from pining. What if you did get your wish and met him and he spurned you? would you feel fulfilled and happy or would you be depressed because that is what you have been hanging on to? What if he never meets you? are you going to decide you will be unhappy the rest of your life?

 

The grass is always greener.

[minerva82]

Well, being nerdy can be a good thing! My online-ex is also nerdy, but that is one of the things that I always loved about him. He is very intelligent and able to hold interesting conversations with me about too many topics to count.

 

I'm glad your meeting went so well, and that you're glad you went through with it. If I meet my ex, I will probably not handle it as well as you did your encounter, but at least the suffering I've felt for years due to the uncertainty of not knowing what could have been, what kind of chemistry we would have had, how it would feel to hold his hand, look into his eyes etc. would end. So either we end up liking each other or not, it would be better than living my whole life wondering.

 

It's like you and your guy in that respect I suspect, it's easier for you to handle possibly never seeing him again since you've met once and then you've got your feelings resolved so to speak. If it should happen that we meet, and we fall in love "for real," then I'd probably want to see him again, naturally, and I would. Maybe we'd meet once a year, or every other year. Who knows, but for now the possibility of meeting even once seems bleak, so it's all hypothetical. However, I'd never just abandon my child to go live with him, that is just not an option.

 

If I came unannounced and he called the cops, it would be horrible of course. On the other hand, he has told me that if I had come unannounced, he would be surprised but happy. Don't know how it would actually pan out though.

[abitbroken]

Everyone deals with "what if." If I didn't take a job transfer to city A, then to city B, get homesick in City B and end up back in hometown, would I have never met my wonderful BF? If I had stayed here the whole time, living 15 minutes from him and never knowing him, would I have met him earlier? Well If I had never moved to City A, I would have never ended it with a relationship that was going nowhere. I would never had had the strength I gained having to go it on my own in City A with no family and I wouldn't be who i was today. If I had ran into him, we wouldn't have both been single if I met him 6 years earlier. He would have had a girlfriend and wouldn't have looked at me because he is loyal. But would I have ended up with that guy at college I always admired? would I have gotten the guts to ask him out WHO KNOWS. we all made our choices. And life is the result of our choices. And he has chosen not to see you. There has been no change.

 

I guess I wasn't aware that he was in another country as well.

 

But have you ever considered - would you really want to be with a man who flirts with married women?? He has no problem doing it with you. He would have no problem doing it if he was with you. And also, still, it disturbs me that he has convinced you that "US (he and you)" came before your husband so it justifies his contact and the manner of his contact. When you marry or are in a committed relationship, it blows all other things out of the water.

 

BTW

[minerva82]

Sorry to hear about your bad marriage. My husband is not abusive in any way though, he is a nice person, it's just that I know without a doubt that I do not love him. That will never change, that is just the way it is. I can't point to one or a few things that made me realize it, it'd more like it's the total sum of so many things they can't really be counted.

 

Why is it so disturbing that I don't find his exes special? Even if they are/were, isn't there also the possibility that he just dated them because they were easily available, for sex, for company? Could be a lot of reasons. He has said so many times they are nothing compared to me, but I don't know how serious that is though. He has expressed anger over the fact that I'm married, and said that I could have just waited for us to meet and been more patient "like a normal person." That makes me feel so guilty, and I wish I had had the patience to wait for him years ago.

 

If we meet, and he spurns me, that would be better than being spurned without having met him at all. At least if we meet, I will not be plagued by this painful uncertainty any longer, regardless of the outcome. If the chemistry just isn't there, that's it. But there is no way of knowing that without meeting. Meeting him would be a win-win situation for me.

 

The webcam thing is just what it is, I asked a couple times years ago, and he said he did not have one, but that he might get one. I was just too afraid to push him on it. I always wished I could see him though, because I always let him see me, even naked when he asked me too (which was basically every time), and now I'm considering if I should tell him we can do that again so maybe he'll come back. It sounds bad, but he is a man after all, and I am so desperate to talk to him again.

[minerva82]

Yes, one could go crazy thinking about possible what ifs. But I think internet contact makes it a bit different, because then you know that this other person actually exists, it's not just a made up fantasy.

 

 

 

I feel flattered he still wants me, despite me being married. Strange as it sounds, he has told me he'd want me even if he had a girlfriend/wife. He dated a girl briefly last summer, but he still talked to me and wanted to see me naked etc. I just need to meet him, so this all can get resolved, because the tragic part is that if he stops communicating with me now, and somehow starts up again a few years from now, I'd fall in love with him all over again. I cannot ever get over this man unless I see him, and even if I fall even more in love with him if we meet, that would be infinitely better than this.

 

If we do meet, I'd tell my husband either that I'll be going with my job for a trip abroad(this happens once a year at my job), or that I just need a few days to myself.

[abitbroken]

Um...seriously? That REALLY shows that he is just blowing snow or that he has no respect for marriage or for you or maybe even women in general. If he did, he would respect the fact that you are married, or would respect the choice that you chose this man (your husband) for better or not. He would not speak suggestively to you, and would respect the boundaries of your marriage. He clearly didn't respect his relationship or the boundaries of it if he was asking for nude photos while he was with someone. Do you think that he would act respectfully to you or not ask another pretty thing for nude photos if he was with you? You don't know if he communicates with other ladies online and you can't trust him to be honest about it. You dn't know - the brief relationships could have been brief because the women wouldn't put up with it all. I found out my ex was still communicating with women "friends" and I was livid. I felt in some ways I had to accept some of it but had enough.

 

btw, it is dangerous to go overseas and lie about your whearabouts. Not only can he find out if there is an emergency and he tries to contact your work, or you get a message from work at home and it is revealed that you are not away on business. If you are not where you say you are, you can't be reached in an emergency. Or what if there is an incident in that town all over the news and your husband panics that you might be hurt. Also, your credit card company could call him about a suspicious charge. he, thinking you are not where the charge was made could cancel the card and you'd be stuck. Always be honest. To me, if you can't be honest, don't go. You need to be honest for yourself.

 

I bet you that if you presented this idea, the guy wouldn't meet you. And if he actually does, be in a public place only. Don't go to his home. Don't invite him to your room.

[kelless]

Minerva, I felt by sharing my story with you, whilst it was filled with a lot of good memories, is also very painful. So I have decided to start a new thread to tell you and write about how I really feel at this point.

 

 

 

Please read it. Although my meeting him Mr. P went better than I expected and we did like each other. Please don't assume that .... automatically it would lead to seeing each other once or twice a year etc. etc.. It hasn't happened in my case, when I do fly to the US at least twice a year and I am willing to fly to US for another two times a year on my own expense. Meeting an online date that you have feelings for is not the end of the road. There are sooooooo many obstacles .... soooooooooo many. And trust me .... a lot of heart break ... more than what you are experiencing right now too.

[minerva82]

I know he communicates with other ladies online(he also has an active profile on an online dating site). We actually talked about that shortly after we began communicating again in April. I asked how many girls he sees naked online these days, and he said "actually, hardly any." Then I told him I hated how I cannot demand he sees only me anymore, since I'm married, and he replied he thinks it's sad too but that he has a life to live as well.

I have no idea if he'd want to see other women naked if we were a couple though, I like to think he'd be satisfied with me, but it's hard to say since we've never met.

He has had many long relationships, so I'm guessing he knows how to treat women right, which hurts to know.

 

That he doesn't respect my marriage doesn't bother me at all, since I don't even love my husband. I felt happy beyond words that time when he told me he did not think I am immoral for wanting him to make love to me despite being married, because we precede my marriage he said. What does "blowing snow" mean anyway? I've never seen this expression before.

 

If I ever go to see him, I cannot tell anyone about it. It would be bad, and why cause unnecessary hurt? It seems selfish to me that somehow the "right" thing is to be honest about such matters, when often it happens because the guilty party just wants to clear his/her conscience.

[annie24]

I have no idea if he'd want to see other women naked if we were a couple though

 

Men, in general, like looking at naked women. However, if he is in a relationship and respects his partner's wishes, he will not do so, even if he has the desire.

 

He's said a lot of things.... but in what he has said, I don't see anything that resembles an invitation for you to come see him.

[annie24]

He has had many long relationships, so I'm guessing he knows how to treat women right,

 

No, it just means that they stayed together. I can think of a dozen couples off the top of my head that were together for over a year, when they should have broken up within the first few weeks.....

[Oneironaut]

He's said a lot of things.... but in what he has said, I don't see anything that resembles an invitation for you to come see him.

 

I have to second this. Maybe I missed it in 12 pages, but what has he said that clearly states he wants you to put out the time, effort, and money to actually visit him?

[annie24]

What does "blowing snow" mean anyway?

 

what was the context?

[minerva82]

No, it just means that they stayed together. I can think of a dozen couples off the top of my head that were together for over a year, when they should have broken up within the first few weeks.....

 

Sure, but one of his relationships lasted more than three years. Are there really that many couples who stay together that long if they're not happily in love? They did not live together, no kids, no engagement or marriage, so no reasons like that to stay together were in the picture.

[minerva82]

I have to second this. Maybe I missed it in 12 pages, but what has he said that clearly states he wants you to put out the time, effort, and money to actually visit him?

 

He has said many things stating he wants us to meet. It's since Christmas he has been really cold. Anyway, he kept telling me he was really looking forward to us meeting, saying how much fun he thought it would be. I kept saying a few times I was worried, because last time (years ago that is), we ended up not meeting. He would tell me not to worry, because we would meet, and that it all depended on when I could "escape" for a few days.

 

When I told him in August that March/April could be a good opportunity, he replied it sounded excellent. We talked a great deal about it, what we would do, how many days I'd stay etc. I expressed feeling bad if he would have to take time off work, in case we don't have any real life chemistry and thus would waste his time, but then he said that since I'd be coming all that way to see him, he'd take off any time from work needed so we could spend the proper amount of time together. He also said he would pick me up at the airport, and that he wanted me to stay at his house, and even sleep in his bed.

 

He has also said a couple of times that he is sorry for how things ended years ago, and that he wants to make up for his mistakes and work towards one day receiving my forgiveness.

 

All of the above, and so much more that I can't even write, is devastating me because he basically promised me we would meet, and now he is acting so cold and stops all communication for weeks at the time. I can't decide if he is really is just insecure about his looks and afraid I wont be attracted to him, if he just pretended to love me all along and is trying to reject me without hurting me too much, or just general nervousness and feeling too much pressure. It is painful either way.

[minerva82]

what was the context?

 

It was in aitbroken's post on page 12, post no.116 in this thread.