My Online Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Me Last April After Almost 4 Years

[minerva82]

You are only seeing things from YOUR point of view. You say you are not risking your marriage because you do not care about your husband. Well he loves you and he probably would not be OK with you running off to meet this other man. You are a wife and a mother, it's not all about you anymore.

 

I don't see how being a mother and meeting this man is impossible to reoncile. I would be gone for just a few days, I have done that before (with my job), so my child would be just fine. If I do this, I would feel like I could focus more of my energy on productive things instead of keep obsessing about this man. I don't see how I should feel obligated to love my husband just because he loves me and we have a child together. It is enough that we live together and are on good terms, I cannot force myself to love him again just because we are married.

[minerva82]

You need to let this guy go. Obviously, he has some sort of fetish for girls being in love with him. Odds are, you're not the only one he's been stringing along for years. Let it go. If he wanted to be with you, he'd have been with you years ago.

 

Perhaps this is true. I hope it is not, but I have no idea.

 

What seems odd though, is that he has an active profile on a major US dating site. I cannot complain about this logcially, since he is single and I'm married so I have no right to demand he take it down, but I still feel jealous. The thing is that, don't you meet a lot of people when you have an active dating profile? I've never done it, but isn't the deal that you put up a profile, look at other people's profiles, send messages, and then meet several people (one at the time of course) to see if you can build a relationship. Do you think he actually does this, or just chats up the girls?

 

Since he seems so reluctant to meet me, and claims I would be repulsed and disgusted by him if we meet, then why put up a picture and a nice description of yourself on a dating site? Is he stringing girls there along too, or meeting them because there will be less expectations as opposed to with me whom he has known for six years? Just feels like I'm ranting now, everything about this is so frustrating and I have a ton of questions that I probably never will dare to ask him.

[minerva82]

Hey Minerva, I just think having a family is not easy. There are people out there like me who wish they have a loving husband and a gorgeous child. They are your blessings. If you must meet this man to get it out of your system, there is no one to stop you but just remember you might run the risk of breaking up ur family if you fall in love with this man or if your husband finds out.

 

At the same time, your guy hasn't been very reliable. I think going to visit him is not a good idea especially if it's going to be a surprise. In any case, it's your decision.

 

By the way do you still talk to each other? If so how often?

 

You know, I have said this before, I don't think I'd be risking my marriage over this. But eerily, I've been feeling lately that if I do go over and see this man, and my husband somehow finds out and wants a divorce as a result, part of me would be very relieved. Sometimes I wish I was single and that I could live with and love this man forever. Now, all that is left to me is merely a small chance of getting to meet him once. I haven't talked to him in weeks though, maybe he has decided to never speak to me again. I have no idea now

[annie24]

do you think a man who goes weeks without talking to you is really interested in meeting you? what did you say to him in the last email?

[minerva82]

do you think a man who goes weeks without talking to you is really interested in meeting you? what did you say to him in the last email?

 

Maybe not, but he did tell me he is scared. I said lots of things, basically an emotional outburst mixed with pleading and telling him I love him. If anyone here would like to, maybe I could copy the contents of the last e-mail in a private message. Maybe I was too emotional and desperate in the e-mail, scaring him off even more.

[Starrgrl]

Empathy means to THINK and understand how someone else feels. Are you considering your husbund's feelings? Seriously now. -_- If you're even half truthful to yourself you know you're not. And he wants a divorce? Give it to him. Do you realise every post you're writing is sounding like 'MEMEMEMEMEME' like do you ever think about other's people's emotions? This guy's playing you for a complete fool =(. And the saddest thing of all, you're completely indenial to it? It's sad. But I feel saddest for your husbund and your poor child.

[Starrgrl]

You still believe him? He's SCARED?? LOL

[Oneironaut]

You think it is 100% impossible for him to love me because he stops communicating for weeks at a time sometimes? Maybe you're right, but he always has told me he loves me, and wishes he could talk to me more (unfortunately, there are not that many options available to speak since we have a seven hour time difference, I am married and he has a job that he puts in a lot of hours for). Aside for these last 2-3 months, he has always apologized for not writing me more, and seemed sincere.

 

No, it's not 100% impossible, but it's damn close. The time difference has nothing to do with emails, and a man who truly loves you will take the time to write you even a brief message letting you know he's busy. Any man who can't be bothered to take 5 minutes every few days to let the woman he loves know he still cares is a man not worthy of your time.

 

What seems odd though, is that he has an active profile on a major US dating site. I cannot complain about this logcially, since he is single and I'm married so I have no right to demand he take it down, but I still feel jealous. The thing is that, don't you meet a lot of people when you have an active dating profile? I've never done it, but isn't the deal that you put up a profile, look at other people's profiles, send messages, and then meet several people (one at the time of course) to see if you can build a relationship. Do you think he actually does this, or just chats up the girls?

 

Since he seems so reluctant to meet me, and claims I would be repulsed and disgusted by him if we meet, then why put up a picture and a nice description of yourself on a dating site? Is he stringing girls there along too, or meeting them because there will be less expectations as opposed to with me whom he has known for six years? Just feels like I'm ranting now, everything about this is so frustrating and I have a ton of questions that I probably never will dare to ask him.

 

Hmm...so, he claims you'd be disgusted by him if you met, but, he's got an active profile on a dating website...a dating website for which the sole purpose is to MEET people...

 

I think, deep down inside, you know exactly what is going on here, but it's still too painful for you to admit. I can understand that, but, the sooner you admit to yourself that this man doesn't return your feelings, the sooner you can start healing. Yes, he's an amazing, wonderful man and yes, you have great conversations, and I'm sure on -some- level he cares about you...but not the degree that you care about him. Love isn't always reciprocated, plain and simple.

 

I sure hope for your sake that you move on soon, and find a man who actually cares enough for you to show it to you on a regular basis. They do exist...I'm in a long-distance relationship with one now. We live in separate countries on opposite sides of the continent, we have a 3 hour time difference, we both work grueling jobs, and yet, we still find the time on a nearly daily basis to let each other know we care.

 

THAT is what love is about...setting aside the time to show the other person you love them because you WANT to...not when it's convenient. Please, think about that. :sad:

[minerva82]

Starrgrl:

I have no idea why you keep posting these aggressive, hateful outbursts. I did complain about it, but appearently abuse is okay here. Please do not comment further, as you keep repeating the same message in an increasingly hateful manner. It is very offensive.

[minerva82]

I know I am probably in denial, but there is this part of me that believes all my doubts are unfounded, and that one day he will make it all up to me.

I hate that he has an active profile on a dating site, and I cannot understand why he has spent all this time talking to me if he does not intend to meet me ever. That would be cruel, and he has told me that he wanted to make up for his past mistakes to one day receive my forgiveness. He always seemed so sincere when he said that, and that he thought it would be great fun to finally meet. I don't get it. Does he only want to meet women who have no feelings for him, so he wont feel pressured or that he cannot fulfill certain expectations? It just hurts, and he should at least explain to me what is going on.

[abitbroken]

Starrgrl:

I have no idea why you keep posting these aggressive, hateful outbursts. I did complain about it, but appearently abuse is okay here. Please do not comment further, as you keep repeating the same message in an increasingly hateful manner. It is very offensive.

 

While the way she says things may not be how you like to hear them - she has an important message. You are really just thinking of yourself, which you deserve to be happy, but when you go and meet a man in another country and risk that, you are also risking things for your child as well. You have a man who loves you (your husband) even if you don't love him. I think the trouble is more regretting missed chances, post partum depression and GIGS. I would seriously see someone about the post partum depression while your husband is willing to stick by you for the child. You might feel differently after getting some help. If you go meet this man and he rejects you, you will not feel "peace," you will feeel shattered because the dialogue that you have been playing your head turns out to be untrue.

[minerva82]

aitbroken:

Honestly, I am not risking much. My marriage is not much, aside from being at best a friendship. It is really not necessary to be hateful in a forum like this, regardless the message is it possible to put in a different form.

If I meet this other man and he rejects me, I would feel shattered, yes, but also peace because then I wont have to regret any missed chances as you say. The whole thing hurts so badly because I never know what could have been. Feeling shattered would be preferred to this.

[abitbroken]

Minerva,

 

Just a side note. I think you are fixating on this. Instead of just being one of many things you are entertaining in your mind, you seem to be a runaway train moving full steam on this. If you see someone about possible post partum depression and start trying to make your life whole in other ways by volunteering, taking your child to playdate where its a "mom and me thing" - where the kids play and the moms have a book group or something "grown up" to socialize about, etc., you will feel a bit better about your self and not feel like you live and die by the outcome of this. Even if you do meet him or don't - lets say you do and he's sincere, then he's meeting a depressd, shattered woman that is unappealing to him or that he can take advantage of. If he met a strong woman, he would either be attracted or he might be afraid that she wouldn't put up with garbage and leave her alone if he was dishing out garbage. You need to be strong for yourself, your child, and everything. When a man senses you are lovesick for him, he either runs or plays a woman like a fiddle.

 

aitbroken:

Honestly, I am not risking much. My marriage is not much, aside from being at best a friendship. It is really not necessary to be hateful in a forum like this, regardless the message is it possible to put in a different form.

If I meet this other man and he rejects me, I would feel shattered, yes, but also peace because then I wont have to regret any missed chances as you say. The whole thing hurts so badly because I never know what could have been. Feeling shattered would be preferred to this.

 

I am talking about your child. Anyone who opens themselves up to meeting someone like this opens their child up, too. The more people who know your address, what the child's name is, etc., put your child at risk..esp if mom goes to the states to meet this guy from the internet and something happens to her. He hasn't gotten up the nerve to come get on a plane and have lunch with you just so you can both get it over with - you are the one who has to jump through hoops. Doesn't show much respect for you, in my opinion.

 

I think the online profile is fishy. he obviously wants to meet women, but is just blowing you off because he wants to yank your chain, fears meeting you because you have a husband and a child or is having a nice fantasy. He is a bit controling and so it would be natural for him to want to control the situation.

[Oneironaut]

Yeah, I'm going to ask this point-blank, and honestly, this is probably going to be my last post in this thread...I feel for you, but you are turning a blind eye to what is obvious to the rest of us...

 

That being said, I ask you this:

 

WHY do YOU think he has an active profile on a dating website if he's SO horribly ashamed of his looks, is SO busy with projects that he has no time to write you for WEEKS on end, and is even REMOTELY as in love with you as you are with him?

 

Why?

[Starrgrl]

This is a public forum and I can post what I want. And to see you still repeat the same things, without ever considering other ppl's feelings is tragic. This WILL be my last post in your thread, but I just want to say, try to get your head out of the clouds and face reality hun. Do it if you must, but be prepared for the repurcussions.

[minerva82]

Starrgrl:

Yes, I know your type: Lots of people don't bother to be civilized just because they can be anonymous. Not everyone appreciates that kind of rude behavior though, including me.

You have no basis to claim I don't consider other people's feelings, so it's just a judgemental, abusive argument you keep repeating.

[minerva82]

Well, he still hasn't contacted me, and I feel worse than ever. I just checked his facebook profile(he has a public wall), and noticed to my horror he has added a nasty, weird looking girl that tries to look sexy in a posed photo. She uses the alias (removed), and I feel like vomiting.

 

 

Could it be that he just talked to her online, or that he met her IRL? I wonder if someone ugly-looking like that is what he wants? Could it rather be that he just talked to her once, and she requested him to add her, or opposite? Earlier he has had two girls that were obviously not friends on his friends list as well, but deleted them it looked like after just a couple months. Why does he do this? I don't use facebook much, and just don't see the point in him adding these stupid girls. He never requested me to be his "friend" on there.

I wish she had the option "send message", so I could have written her and asked about him, why she is on his list etc.

I also play with the idea of sending a message to one or more of his friends on facebook, asking about him. But, would they tell him about it even if I ask in the message to please not do so?

[annie24]

if he adds random girls on facebook, but doesn't add you, doesn't that tell you something about where you sit on his list of priorities? please don't email anyone and ask them about him. it's obvious what's going on here.

[minerva82]

Couldn't it be that these girls, who have all seemed to be very into facebook with their stupid, ridiculously posed photos, have requested him to be added instead of him requesting them?

I know I am much that way on facebook (don't send requests much, but accept requests sent to me), and many others are like that.

 

Why don't you think I should e-mail some of his friends about him, if it is the only way I can find out anything about him? His mother and brother also have facebook profiles, and I've been thinking about messaging them and explain the situation. Would that be better?

[annie24]

I think it would be a very poor choice to email these people. Fact is, regardless of who added whom, he has time to get on facebook, but does not make the time to write to you. That is telling. And he's never added you? Clearly, he's not interested. Everyone here knows that, I'm sorry that you are the only one who cannot see it.

 

So.... you want to tell his mother and brother that you are a married woman with a child in Scandinavia and you have a crush on this guy, but he is not writing back to you and you want to visit him and you what to know what is going on. I mean, that would have to be the jist of the email, right? You think that his mommy is going to tell him to 'give this girl in Scandinavia with a husband and child a chance?' Even if you left out this choice tidbit, he's old enough to decide which women he wants to date and which women he does not. They're going to be like, 'who is this crazy girl who is emailing me about you?!?!'

[minerva82]

Why does the fact he has not added me on his facebook mean he is not interested? When did that become the staple of whether someone is interested or not?

 

Maybe if I wrote him asking if I could message his mother or brother, he would finally respond to me.

[annie24]

If he is adding these 'random ugly girls' but does not add you, what do you think that says???

 

Tell me - if you were to write to his mother or brother, what would you say in that email?? I am baffled as to why you think that is a good idea.

[minerva82]

I don't know what it means, especially not with his latest add of that girl who looks nasty and ugly. Creepy. Maybe he talked to her, gave her his e-mail address, and like the attention wh*re she looks like, decided to request he add her on facebook.

 

If I ever write his mother or brother, I think I'd write something like:

Hi,

sorry to bother you, I am a stranger to you. I would like to ask you for some information regarding your son/brother. (Then present myself with name, where I live). I got to know your son/brother online years ago, and talked to him online and on the phone for over two years. I fell deeply in love with him, and he told me he felt the same way about me. Still, despite all his promises that we'd meet, we never did because of him always saying he had no time, was busy etc.

 

Fast forward to April 2010. He contacted me again, and we've been in touch ever since. This time around, things have changed since I am now married and have a child. Nonetheless, we talked about it and both agreed we should meet for old times's sake, and T. said it would be great fun to meet all these years. Repeatedly I told him I did not want to keep communicating with him if he did not intend to meet this time around either. He assured me that was not the case, and promised we would meet.

 

As of today, he has shut me out completely without any good explanation at all. Last I heard from him was an e-mail a little over a month ago, telling me he was afraid because I've told him how much I love him. He wrote that I would be repulsed by him, and that he is a monster and a bad person, that he is destined to live alone forever with his darkness.

 

I just cannot get peace from that message, as it is so contrary to everything else he has ever told me.

 

I guess I am just writing you because I need to know whether or not T. is hiding something from me that would explain his reluctance to meet me, if he has a habit of lying, or if he is a reliable person, does he have a girlfriend or a wife, is the last e-mail he sent me something that seems genuine considering he has had many girlfriends?

 

Again, I apologize for any inconvenience, and I hope to hear from you.

 

 

Something like that, perhaps, if I ever muster the courage to do it, as he would most likely not want to talk to me again if I message his mother. So, it would be a last resort kind of solution.

[annie24]

What do you think his mom will say to that???

 

Look - I don't know why, but somehow you're not able to step outside of this situation and look at it logically. Why isn't he interested in keeping up a relationship with you?? Really? Does the fact that you are married, have a child and live thousands of miles away have something to do with it? His mother will think he is being smart for staying away from you. Logically, the 'skanky FB girl' is a far better match for him, if she is 1 - in the country, and 2 - single.

[minerva82]

We talked about me being married and having a child. Still, we both agreed we wanted to meet. It's not like I wanted him to commit to me. I also told him that maybe we would meet just once, and then he said that if it could be only once, then he "definitely" wanted to meet. In fact, he promised me we would meet, and told me he knows he hurt me years ago and that he wanted to work towards one day receiving my forgiveness.