My Online Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Me Last April After Almost 4 Years

[kelless]

Ok Minerva.... please read through your email correspondence with him. How many times has he said that he will meet up with you. Please actually count it. If it's 5 times, then he has bailed on you 10 times. If it's 10 times, then he has bailed on you 10 times. What makes you think that his promise to meet you now will actually come true? Because if you are not noticing the pattern .... he really is not going to make the effort to see you.

 

Thinking about whether he is the greatest love of your life etc.. or whether meeting him is immoral or not .... it doesn't really matter. BECAUSE ... he really has no intention of meeting with you. It's been 6 years since 2005 .... 6 years!!!! come on .... he can't be busy for the entire 6 years.

 

I maybe wrong, but I think perhaps he just broke up with his gf in the US or recently gotten divorce or something ... and he just needs someone to make him feel secure so he decided hey ... let's see if this girl from Scandinavia that I used to talk to still find me attractive.

 

N.B. it would consider it cheating for you to meet him with you being married and all. Unless, you decide to bring your husband along.

[annie24]

and that he thinks he will disappoint me

 

TRANSLATED: I've lied to you about my photos, what I look like, and other key aspects of my life.

[KH26]

Oh boy.

 

I really think there's problems that need to be sorted here, with your marriage and maybe (as someone else suggested) PND. Like you said, you're not happy in your marriage and it seems to me that you're chasing this fantasy as a way to get out of your unhappy marriage which seems to be a much bigger issue here than whether or not you should go meet this flaky man.

 

I agree, people fall out of love all the time. I've heard of so many people who have split up/got divorced because of what you described, feeling more like friends/brother and sister than husband and wife. It's fine to feel that way. But travelling all that way to meet someone who was so flaky before, takes so long to reply to your emails etc, I don't think will solve the problem. I think you should be talking to your husband and working on things. And I'd definitely consider it cheating if I were your husband and found out you'd gone to meet him.

 

I don't think this is a good idea at all. Sorry.

[minerva82]

Oh, I am pretty sure he is not married. He is on a couple of major dating sites, and lists himself as single, and put a picture up there that definitely looks like him. I know I might be an idiot about this, delusional even, but I am so crazy about him that I cling on to any hope of seeing him, however small it might be.

[minerva82]

TRANSLATED: I've lied to you about my photos, what I look like, and other key aspects of my life.

 

I don't think he has, but he is not really that handsome and might be worried about me not liking him as much as he would want me to. At least that is what it comes accross as.

[minerva82]

I know I cannot work things out with my husband, because it is simply an issue of not loving him, and I don't see that ever changing. That doesn't mean we have to divorce though, at least not while our child is so young. But if I do get the chance to see my online-ex, I would be the happiest woman alive. Even if it can be only once, and maybe even platonic, I would hate to live with the regret of never trying the best I could.

[annie24]

I don't think he has, but he is not really that handsome and might be worried about me not liking him as much as he would want me to. At least that is what it comes accross as.

 

again, you THINK, but you don't KNOW. it's easy to have this great image of a person in your head when you have never met them in real life.

[annie24]

I know I cannot work things out with my husband, because it is simply an issue of not loving him, and I don't see that ever changing. That doesn't mean we have to divorce though, at least not while our child is so young. But if I do get the chance to see my online-ex, I would be the happiest woman alive. Even if it can be only once, and maybe even platonic, I would hate to live with the regret of never trying the best I could.

 

just divorce him if you know things with your husband are doomed. I think it's probably better to do so while the child is young, because they will be less traumatized (rather when they are old enough to know what is going on).

[annie24]

One other thing: your situation reminds me of a friend I had back in middle school. She was 13, and was massively in love with Duff, the bass guitar player from Guns N Roses. She saw him in concert once, and for the next 2 years was crazy infatuated with him - I guess how any teenager is in love with any actor/musician. On her 15th birthday, it turned out, he was playing solo at a local nightclub - what a coincidence! She went (well, she had to sneak into the night club) and watched the show, and afterward, went and sat by the backstage door because she really wanted to meet him. Security wouldn't let her in. Well, she stayed! 2 hours later, the security guy went outside for a smoke, saw she was still there, he took pity on her, and let her come in and meet Duff. Apparently, he was a perfect gentleman. He played a special birthday song for her, and then gave her his guitar strap and a pick and signed everything for her. I asked her if she was more in love with him now, and she said no. she said she met him, and then the crush was 'over.' said he was a nice guy, but she didn't "feel" anything for him. and just like that, she moved on.

 

So, it was really good that she met him, and although it sounds like he was a super nice guy, somehow, it made her snap out of the crush. Of course, the worst thing she risked was her mom finding out she went out all night and getting grounded. You on the other hand have a marriage and a kid. I guess you don't care much about the marriage, so i see why you are willing to risk it. I bet though, if you met him, you probably would be underwhelmed by him and would probably get over the crush ASAP, just like my friend.

[minerva82]

Inspiring story, because I actually hope sometimes for a similar outcome if I end up meeting him. It would make everything so much easier, to be able to stop living with this heartache.

[kelless]

Inspiring story, because I actually hope sometimes for a similar outcome if I end up meeting him. It would make everything so much easier, to be able to stop living with this heartache.

 

OP it may be that once u meet him u will see that there is no big deal. But there is also the big danger that you might fall in love with him.

I know you said that things have gone sour between your husband and yourself. I know it must be hard to be in a loveless relationship. But it is kinda selfish to run off and see another man behind your Husband and child's back. I would urge you to consider working on ur marriage. Go and see a counsellor or go on holiday or something. I cant tell you what to do but you really don't want to make a mistake here because you might end up hurting 3 people and not only yourself.

Besides think about how much your husband loves you - so much that he has married you and made a commitment to you for life, provided for you, cared for you. And of course your child loves you, you and your husband are the only thing you have got. So do the right thing by them and yourself, don't put yourself in the dangerous situation of possibly betraying your family.

[kelless]

Oh, I am pretty sure he is not married. He is on a couple of major dating sites, and lists himself as single, and put a picture up there that definitely looks like him. I know I might be an idiot about this, delusional even, but I am so crazy about him that I cling on to any hope of seeing him, however small it might be.

 

I know your eagerness is built on anticipation over the many years to meet this man. But you know yourself that he just keeps giving these empty promises and if he had wanted to meet he would have done so for many years. He was even in Europe once and had the perfect opportunity to meet you. Even if u travel to the States I am sure he will find a way to avoid you if he doesn't want to meet you. You just need to be able to accept that you probably won't meet this man in your lifetime because he has made it clear with his actions that he doesn't want to meet you. He just want to have a fantasy affair with you in cyber space.

Besides, if he is a half decent man he would not be flirting with a married woman and asking you to meet him.

 

How about this, if you really just want to meet him and get it out of your system, set up a web cam chat with him. It will be like virtually seeing him. But if he says he doesn't have a webcam, please don't fall for his excuse. Who doesn't have a webcam these days? He lives in the States, apparently he is a PhD so he can't be earning minimum wage and not be able to afford a webcam

[annie24]

If he is a PhD, then he probably has a computer with a built-in webcam. I know when I did my PhD, I could borrow a computer from the department with a webcam, I used it for some interviews.

[minerva82]

If he is a PhD, then he probably has a computer with a built-in webcam. I know when I did my PhD, I could borrow a computer from the department with a webcam, I used it for some interviews.

 

Yes, I am sure he could get a webcam easily (he has a stationary computer), but I've never wanted to pressure him about it. I've always been so terrified of loosing him, that I hardly made any demands at all.

 

Now today I did something very stupid, and I regret it, but alas, it is done. He has told me he gets to work 7.30am, so silly me actually called him at around 6.40am his time. I know he usually is up by then, and of course he did not answer. Hopefully he will e-mail me about it, or maybe I should mail him first? Anyway, I also left a message on his voicemail, and at the end my voice was breaking, I felt so sad.

Maybe this scared him off for good? Maybe he will change his number? :sad:

 

I'm now feeling myself more and more seriously considering just going over there one weekend and make him a surprise visit. Anyone here who has done that before? How did it end? I am terrified, and crushed, if that is the outcome - meeting him one-sided like that, but if he doesn't agree to meet me soon, I think I have to go just to keep my sanity.

Would there be a chance he'd chase me away, or call the police? I mean, if I show up at his doorstep one Friday evening? He told me his address months ago, but I guess it is always rude to show up unannounced, especially also shocking since we've never met before.

How would a person react to something like that? I know we're all different, but what would be the more likely response?

[minerva82]

I realize his promises to me most likely have been empty, but I just cannot bring myself to stop loving him. It's become almost like an obsession, and I don't want to go through life never meeting him. This will sound ridiculous, but what I feel for him is the kind of love you only read about in Jane Austen novels, yet when he keeps pushing me away like this I feel more and more like a painridden Werther - and sometimes hoping for the same kind of outcome if he keeps not wanting to see me.

 

How do you think he would find a way to avoid me if I travel to the States? If I show up at his house, what could he do then?

 

I don't think a webcam chat would do it, and I doubt he'd even agree to it, if I even had the guts to ask in the first place.

[annie24]

i would call the cops if someone surprised me at my door like that.

 

what if....... he is out of town and doesn't tell you about it and you show up at his door? or he doesn't answer?

 

if you think you've scared a guy away by calling him.... i don't know what to say - well i do - it's not meant to be. why would you call a guy to chat at 6:40 in the morning? if he's getting ready to go to work, he's probably busy then.

[minerva82]

I fail to see how meeting this man would be going behind my child's back, but I do know I have not been able to be the mother I should have been for months. I find myself being irritable, and lacking energy I used to have before, and sometimes I've even taken long showers so I can cry and cry without anyone noticing. It feels like I'm about to loose my sanity, and I cry asking myself inside why he is doing this to me, because I have been so sweet and kind to him, both years ago and now, yet he does this. I don't understand, it's just pain and more pain, questions that hurt and so I don't want to think about them and push them to the back of my mind, only to rediscover them at all kinds of hours and places. Sometimes I wish I could just be in a store that was robbed, and I'd defy the robber so I'd get killed and not have to wonder or suffer about this anymore.

[minerva82]

i would call the cops if someone surprised me at my door like that.

 

what if....... he is out of town and doesn't tell you about it and you show up at his door? or he doesn't answer?

 

if you think you've scared a guy away by calling him.... i don't know what to say - well i do - it's not meant to be. why would you call a guy to chat at 6:40 in the morning? if he's getting ready to go to work, he's probably busy then.

 

Would you call the cops even if it was someone you "knew" from talking to them for years online??

 

I know I shouldn't have called, and I regret it so badly. But it's done, and I wonder if sending him another e-mail(after the four I sent him yesterday) would be too much. I called him because I'm desperate, and he has not responded to my request to talk to him for over three weeks, just sent me an e-mail a few days ago saying he is afraid, and that I'd hate him if we meet.

[annie24]

if he's not responding to your request to talk over the phone, what makes you think that he would be happy to see you in person??

[minerva82]

if he's not responding to your request to talk over the phone, what makes you think that he would be happy to see you in person??

 

He has told me he is afraid, but if I just show him, he wont really have much time to be afraid will he? But I see your point, and it is probably correct. Still I cannot get over him when I've never even met him.

[kelless]

Oh Minerva.... please my dear... don't do this. Here is why ....

 

1. You yourself has questioned whether he will call the cops if you go over to his house and "surprise" him. You already know the answer. I won't speak for everyone else, but if it's me and someone from my online dating website shows up at my door unannounced, the first thing I would do is slam the door. If I perceive that I am in some sort of physical danger, I would call the cops. Even if the person does leave after I asked them to, I will never talk to them again online. I am sorry if I come accross blunt, but showing up unannounced is not that different from stalking.

 

2. You already know that he probably does not want to meet you given his past behaviour. Otherwise, why not just ask him "how about I fly over to the US next month and meet you for lunch or something"? Qhy do you feel that you need to "surprise" him? Because deep in inside you ... you know he is not reliable and hasn't been for the past 6 years and he probably doesn't want to acquaint with you more than what he has already done with you online. So why force it? Is meeting him everything to you, that you can disregard your family's and even this guy's feelings?

 

Minerva, I will share with you that I recently went to the US for a 4 day visit to this man that I met online. You can read my thread if you want. Before I went, my guy and I talked for basically a month about the trip ... whether he is available, where he will take me, how he wants to treat me and pay for all my expenses when I go, how excited we are about meeting each other, we counted the days till we met etc. etc. It turned out to be a great trip for me and we are both glad we met. He is everything that I thought he would be but 10 times better and I am everything that he thought I would be but 10 times better. So it was a great experience. I don't know that we have a future together, but it was a great experience. But here is the difference between your situation and my situation:

 

1) I am single and he is single

2) We both wanted to see each other and never promised each other more than what we could deliver. He told me about how he wasn't able to refinance his mortgage etc. and that he is in a bit of a financial hole for the next few months and probably won't be able to afford to go to Hong Kong (where I live) for a couple of months. So henceforth, I decided since I have the financial freedom, I will make the trip.

3) I only made the trip because we had previously talked about the idea of meeting up and what each others' city has to offer and we both felt it would be interesting to meet each other.

4) He was someone who offered his home for me to stay in, took me to see his parents and family and church and was willing to show me his life. He showed me where he worked, gave me his home address, telephone no's and all details before I went over. He did everything to make sure I know that I would be welcomed.

 

You need to ask yourself, has your guy made your feel welcomed to go and visit him? If the answer is yes, then go, but talk to him about it before you do that. Having said that.... the biggest difference between your situation and my situation is that I am single and you are not.

 

You are betraying your husband by meeting with a man whom you have romantic feelings for. That is the father of your child! If your child knows when he grows up that you were willing to risk your family's unity for a man whom you haven't even met etc.. what do you think your child will think of you? Do you really want that? I won't be judgmental here, but it's something that you really should think about. You are already obsessing over this man even before you have met him. If you see him and he does turn out to be everything you have hoped for over the years, what do you think in all honesty you will do? Be honest with yourself, if this man says to you, run away me, would you do it? Would you leave your husband and child and just run? Is this how you want to be for your family?

 

Minerva, I am sorry that you have this obsession with meeting this man, but come on, be strong! He is just a guy who said some sweet things to you, or at best, connected with you on a romantic level some years ago. But you really need to ask yourself what is the right thing and what is the wrong thing to do here.

 

A few years ago, I was engaged to my ex fiance. During my engagement, my puppy love back from many years ago emailed me and left me his phone number and said he wanted to meet up. We all know puppy loves are always the most memorable and how we all feel that it's a shame that we never made it with our first love. No matter how tempting it was, how much I thought about my ex ex ex ex ex at the time I received that email, I knew I was an engaged woman. It would be very wrong to meet up with this guy and I never did ... in a few days I was able to put him out of my mind.

 

Minerva, you really need to do the same. We can canvass out all the possibilities of how to satisfy your desire to meet this man. But deep inside yourself, you need to draw the moral line, is this the right thing to do... and if you are unsure about that... ask the question, is this the right person to do this with?

[abitbroken]

I think I decided to give you the advice of "don't see him" when he told you that "US" preceded your marriage. he does not respect you or your boundaries at all!

 

You have a living, breathing loving man in son in your home. This man is a figment of your fantasy because he has never physically met you. He made you feel through emotionally manipulation (emotional abuse) that meeting him was a prize if you were "good", if you didn't get too emotional, etc etc. Also, sometimes when people type on facebook and sound all puffed up about themselves, it is a matter of low self esteem versus high self esteem.

 

I do think he contacted you because he needed the ego boost of someone saying "how high?" when he said "jump."

 

I strongly recommend counseling or a support group for you. And even bigger, cut contact. Block him from facebook. if you have an old email he uses, change it. Seriously. You are better than that kind of abuse. Also, join some "mommy and me" playgroups where you can socialize and compare notes with other mothers, join a book club, do girls night out stuff, or anything that can help you connect with others even if for an hour a day so you don't feel so isolated playing mommy.

[kelless]

I find myself being irritable, and lacking energy I used to have before, and sometimes I've even taken long showers so I can cry and cry without anyone noticing. It feels like I'm about to loose my sanity, and I cry asking myself inside why he is doing this to me, because I have been so sweet and kind to him, both years ago and now, yet he does this. I don't understand, it's just pain and more pain, questions that hurt and so I don't want to think about them and push them to the back of my mind, only to rediscover them at all kinds of hours and places. Sometimes I wish I could just be in a store that was robbed, and I'd defy the robber so I'd get killed and not have to wonder or suffer about this anymore.

 

Oh Minerva.... please cheer up. I am sorry you are feeling like this. Just know that you have a wonderful family and perhaps friends you can count on back home? Talk to your friends ... go out shopping ... exercise... take on yoga or something. Trust me it will make you feel so much better. You can think and think about this man ... but you already know he hasn't been kind to you. You already know the more you pursue along the lines of thinking that you should meet him or that he is the greatest love of your life, the more hurt you will be. Count the blessings in your life. There are so many wonderful things you have going for you. A man who wouldn't come clean and give you a proper explanation as to why he hasn't met you in all those years, does not deserve to cause you so much pain. If he has some integrity at all, seeing the pain and anxiety that you are in, should have already said something to you. Saying that he is afraid that you would hate him if you meet is no where near a satisfactory answer that you deserve.

 

Come on... don't be sad ... .

 

The whole bit about you calling him in the morning. Don't worry about it. You did what you did already. He didn't respond and hasn't said anything. Just let bygones be bygones.

[annie24]

Can you go to the doctor? I agree with the posters who suggest you might have depression relating to the birth of your child (hormone fluctuations). This is very common, and it is treatable. it might help you with the crying and trying to get a better frame of mind.

[kelless]

I think I also have to agree with the other posters here about post natal depression. It's very common and women can feel they are stuck in a life that they don't want to handle e.g. Stuck with housework, or taking care of a baby, or having to be a wife or a mother. It's like a mid life crisis. And it's not your fault, your hormones are going crazy and it changes your mindset. Perhaps being able to reconnect with this man is really just a fantasy that you have so embraced as a way to escape from all these new responsibilities you have. Getting adjusted to be a mother and a house carer is not easy. But a trip to the doctors can at least help you with the sadness you are experiencing due to a hormone imbalance. Medication can fix that. As to the rest of your issues, deal with them a step at a time so at least you know the decisions are really decisions you want to make and not some chemical imbalance in your body.