confusedmama Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Background- together over 5 years, i have 3 children (16,13,9), he has 1 (age 21) so always separate living quarters. He has often "talked" about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but in the past 2 years he has started a tendency to "disappear" into his apt for days with no contact. In July he did this for 6 weeks. Got back together although it was tough, right after New Year's he left without saying good-bye, I asked him (via text) what his plans were, that I was tired of living with him "part-time" and wanted full-time relationship. He told me at that time he couldn't-he needed to be there for his son. So I said good-bye. Then last week I get a proposal from him in a letter-still haven't spoken- he has texted and emailed. HELP Link to comment
Mauxly Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Wow, that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard! Where is the sarcasm font on this thing..? Ummm...yeah. So what do you want? Do you want to marry him? Do you think marriage will prevent future disappearing acts? Or are you truly through with him? Link to comment
dan10 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 if i were you i would be extremely careful. based on what you wrote he seems like he is a little bit off. if you really love him make sure he loves you back just as much and then make sure he is serious about wanting to be married to you and if everything is the way it should be go for it. but i definitely think you should find out why he keeps disappearing into his apartment and not talking to you for days and weeks at a time. that sounds a little suspicious to me Link to comment
DN Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Did he propose by letter because you were not responding to his texts and e-mails? Link to comment
MyNinja Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Yeah, this whole thing seems weird to me. He's not very communicative to you. He goes on these dissapearing acts for large gaps of time, he says so himself that he needs to be there for his son and then out of the blue he proposes via letter? There is a lot that might be going on with him that he's not telling you. It seems he doesn't want to lose you, but at the same time he can't fully commit. It seems a serious conversation is in order!! Until we meet again.... Link to comment
confusedmama Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 DN: he didn't try to contact me any other way: so he has no way of knowing whether I would have responded, I have never not responded to him when he texts, calls or emails. Til now.... Mauxly, I truly did want to marry him, we talked about it and even picked out ring styles ( all about 3 years ago) but with all this leaving I am completely unsure. I have made excuses-my life is hectic and overwhelming, etc..... but it hurts every time he leaves and now i don't believe him that this is what he wants I feels like I forced the issue, and I guess I did but I don't think I want to be involved if its forced Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I'm wondering if he'll pull another disappearing act after this proposal? Of course, you know him better than we do, and have many things to consider, including what caused this, and unless you have concrete answers, what does the future hold? I would go with my gut, and not make any rash decisions at this point. Link to comment
confusedmama Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 I'm so frustrated I don't know if I want to know what the future holds. He makes all these pretty promises-the last time in July he promised marriage, etc and then this is what I got in January. I think he is afraid of commitment and now that I am truly stepping away, he is afraid of being alone. I think he liked having it both ways (who wouldn't ) but I don't know whether to believe or not. So tired of games Link to comment
Stay_home Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Background- together over 5 years, i have 3 children (16,13,9), he has 1 (age 21) so always separate living quarters. He has often "talked" about how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but in the past 2 years he has started a tendency to "disappear" into his apt for days with no contact. In July he did this for 6 weeks. Got back together although it was tough, right after New Year's he left without saying good-bye, I asked him (via text) what his plans were, that I was tired of living with him "part-time" and wanted full-time relationship. He told me at that time he couldn't-he needed to be there for his son. So I said good-bye. Then last week I get a proposal from him in a letter-still haven't spoken- he has texted and emailed. HELP I just don't get why you would even be bothered, at all.......... Link to comment
Jetta Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Well a guy proposes how he wants to not how we want him to. So take this proposal seriously is what I'm saying. If you want to marry him say yes, but then you likely have the concern that he'll fly the coop on the wedding day, or not, but that'd be my concern. I would however make sure he puts money in on a ring, my 2nd husband didn't propose with a ring (and I was greatly disappointed) we did go to the store to pick one out within the week. My 1st husband proposed in a gallavant way however when he actually popped the question it was "will you wear my ring?" not will you marry me. I hesitantly said yes, not fully grasping the magnitude of the question because I was only 19 then. Link to comment
DN Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I think you should be talking to him. Link to comment
Snny Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Unless he was serving overseas in the military, it's understandable to propose in a letter. but in this situation... personally, I'd say "Hell no!" Like someone mentioned, this guy could disappear again. He is not reliable and does not meet YOUR needs. Move on. Seriously. Link to comment
confusedmama Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks for the replies. It is difficult to think that I have given 5 years of my life ( and it wasn't always like this) to wind up with a letter-he keeps emailing about a countdown to a wedding ( HE set a date). I do need to find a way to to explain my feelings - used, not a high priority, REALLY?? DN- the chemistry is such between us and I HATE conflict, that talking seems like an impossibility. I don't want to get railroaded into wanting what he THINKS he wants-because I just don't feel that marriage is what he wants -wouldn't he have done this on his own if this was what he wanted? Before 5 years and definitely before 3 weeks! or am I simply living in a dream world?? Link to comment
Snny Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Maybe I'm overreacting... but he sends you E-MAILS about getting married. Sets up a wedding date without discussing it with you. No face-to-face contact whatsoever? If I were you I would feel very insulted. This has trouble written all over. Don't even buy the excuse that he's been so busy. If he is that busy to not make arrangements WITH YOU, then this is the type of guy who has no concept of what a marriage is, will never settle down, and will do whatever he pleases. He won't make any time for you and it's clear by what he's doing to you now. Don't do it. Link to comment
Windycitygal Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 DN- the chemistry is such between us and I HATE conflict, that talking seems like an impossibility. This is someone that you shouldn't marry. You should NEVER marry someone you cannot talk to. Link to comment
imoutfront Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Thanks for the replies. It is difficult to think that I have given 5 years of my life ( and it wasn't always like this) to wind up with a letter-he keeps emailing about a countdown to a wedding ( HE set a date). I do need to find a way to to explain my feelings - used, not a high priority, REALLY?? DN- the chemistry is such between us and I HATE conflict, that talking seems like an impossibility. I don't want to get railroaded into wanting what he THINKS he wants-because I just don't feel that marriage is what he wants -wouldn't he have done this on his own if this was what he wanted? Before 5 years and definitely before 3 weeks! or am I simply living in a dream world?? This guy has red flags all over him! He sounds completely off his rocker. He disappears for weeks at a time, proposes in a letter, sets the wedding date by himself (have you even said yes to his proposal yet?). Does that sound like a sane, mature person suitable for marriage to you? I don't want to be rude, but you might need some tough love here: No matter how much you "hate" conflict, you cannot have a functional relationship without communication. Most people don't like conflict, but not discussing your issues and ignoring them does not make them go away. Neither one of you sounds ready for a relationship. Not with each other, and at the moment, not with anyone else either. Ditch this guy, and build some confidence. You owe it to yourself. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I have to agree with the others who find his behavior strange. His disappearing acts are a huge red flag and that he proposed via letter instead of in person after three weeks of not speaking to you tells me there is a very unhealthy communication dynamic in this relationship. It sounds like he is living the fantasy of wedding preparation now without addressing the glaring problems in the relationship that will still be there if you do get married (and after that he won't have the fantasy/fun of wedding preparation to distract him). I think you should contact him and set up a time to meet and discuss the issues in your relationship. Link to comment
confusedmama Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 ahhhh, the voices of reason!! Thanks. Sometimes I think I need to be reassured that what I think and feel are valid. This is an extremely difficult experience made harder by the fact we live in a small community and work in the same system. I know I need to talk to him the texts and emails are coming more frequent and now it is simply making me angry. Guess I need to get my sh*t together and get it done. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 I would be angry too. That is no way to propose to a lady. He's treating you like a business acquaintance. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 If he sent you a romantic handwritten letter that was very heartfelt - not an EMAIL - a LETTER - of his love for you and mentioning he cannot live without you, etc, then that is one thing. Even if he mentioned that he was ready for marriage, but then there is a follow up in person and an actual ask or re-ask in person. I agree that emails do not cut it at all unless it is something you guys talked about how cute that would be years ago. But SETTING DATE??? I think he has snapped or really doesn't respect you very much. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 wouldn't he have done this on his own if this was what he wanted? Before 5 years and definitely before 3 weeks! Yes. You say you don't want to get railroaded into what he wants so don't. Him sending you emails about your wedding you haven't discussed or agreed to is getting railroaded. Link to comment
DN Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 I think if someone informed me I had won a million dollars in a lottery I might not be too offended if they told me in a letter or e-mail rather than in person. Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 Regardless of the form of the proposal, no one should be planning a wedding here when (1) OP has not said "yes" and (2) there are issues that need to be resolved before they get married. The one that springs to mind based on the OP's posts is her boyfriend's tendency to disappear. I would certainly not marry someone who randomly disappears for weeks at a time without warning. I would expect to talk this through and to be provided with assurances that this won't happen in the future, especially if there are going to be children involved. There may well be other issues too that need to be discussed before they get married (and perhaps both parties here need to be better at communicating before they tie the knot). Link to comment
confusedmama Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 I finally got through to him about how I feel. He stated that while he didn't "agree" he would let it go-although "if i'm not busy on April 19 (the date he set) he would be around" then he sent me another email stating he hoped that in the future i would be able to see he wasnt a "bad" guy. Link to comment
imoutfront Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I finally got through to him about how I feel. He stated that while he didn't "agree" he would let it go-although "if i'm not busy on April 19 (the date he set) he would be around" then he sent me another email stating he hoped that in the future i would be able to see he wasnt a "bad" guy. You're still with him?! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.