lostnscared Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 The issue is that my boyfriend would not let me give this baby up for adoption. He really wants the baby. So if I gave him the baby and full custody we would break up and go our separate ways. I would be"x" out of his life. And him and his family would raise it. Somedays I want the baby other days I get scared. I do feel bad that I can't seem to love this baby yet. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 It's not an easy road. Life never is. You say you can't go throw the emotional turmoil of an abortion again... could you really give your child away to it's father and not have any contact with them? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Or why not give up the child in traditional adoption, not just the father? Then the kid will have the 2 parents AND you can have an open adoption if you'd like. Then you and the father can experience the child's milestones and happpy times by talking to the family and through pics/videos/etc... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 So you are willing to give up the man you want to marry so you do not have to raise your child at this time? And to have your child know you gave up parental rights plus your relationship with his/her father so that you would not have to raise the child? Something wrong with that picture in my humble opinion. Even if your timing ends up being right someday, you could have a child with special needs which would drastically affect your lifestyle - would you then give up that child too? Please reconsider what your standards are - and if you're feeling too hormonal/emotional that's understandable but for your baby's sake get the help you need to get to a more centered, grounded place. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 The issue is that my boyfriend would not let me give this baby up for adoption. He really wants the baby. So if I gave him the baby and full custody we would break up and go our separate ways. I would be"x" out of his life. And him and his family would raise it. Somedays I want the baby other days I get scared. I do feel bad that I can't seem to love this baby yet. The most important thing to remember is that Love is a commitment first and an emotion second. If you can commit to it, than you love it. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 So you are willing to give up the man you want to marry so you do not have to raise your child at this time? And to have your child know you gave up parental rights plus your relationship with his/her father so that you would not have to raise the child? Something wrong with that picture in my humble opinion. Even if your timing ends up being right someday, you could have a child with special needs which would drastically affect your lifestyle - would you then give up that child too? Please reconsider what your standards are - and if you're feeling too hormonal/emotional that's understandable but for your baby's sake get the help you need to get to a more centered, grounded place. He really wants this baby, but I don't. He would not agree with adoption because he wants the baby. I don't want to give him up, but he won't stay with me unless I keep the baby. It's not really my lifestyle that I'm thinking about, it's that I have no positive feelings about life or this baby. I just for some reason don't feel anything yet for the baby. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 He really wants this baby, but I don't. He would not agree with adoption because he wants the baby. I don't want to give him up, but he won't stay with me unless I keep the baby. It's not really my lifestyle that I'm thinking about, it's that I have no positive feelings about life or this baby. I just for some reason don't feel anything yet for the baby. That could all very well change though. The second you feel that baby kick you could be completely flooded with emotion. Link to comment
sweetpea03 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 The issue is that my boyfriend would not let me give this baby up for adoption. He really wants the baby. So if I gave him the baby and full custody we would break up and go our separate ways. I would be"x" out of his life. And him and his family would raise it. Somedays I want the baby other days I get scared. I do feel bad that I can't seem to love this baby yet. I would either recommend talking to your boyfriend about doing a traditional adoption(giving the baby up to a 2 parent family who really wants the baby) or sticking together to raise the baby together. It would be very difficult on your child to know that you gave him or her up because you didn't want to deal with what happened. Your lifestyle is going to change no matter what, as that is just part of getting older as you gain more and more responsibilities. I think you really need to sit down and think about what your standards and priorities are. You don't have to think about it 'right now', but at least do it at some point... Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 Can you get an epidural right away? Link to comment
sweetpea03 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Can you get an epidural right away? if you want to, yes... Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 I would either recommend talking to your boyfriend about doing a traditional adoption(giving the baby up to a 2 parent family who really wants the baby) or sticking together to raise the baby together. It would be very difficult on your child to know that you gave him or her up because you didn't want to deal with what happened. Your lifestyle is going to change no matter what, as that is just part of getting older as you gain more and more responsibilities. I think you really need to sit down and think about what your standards and priorities are. You don't have to think about it 'right now', but at least do it at some point... He really wants the baby, so I know he would never agree to adoption. I really don't know what I want yet. It isn't my lifestyle I'm worried about as much as it is the fact that I haven't developed loving feelings toward the baby. It just doesn't seem normal. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 That could all very well change though. The second you feel that baby kick you could be completely flooded with emotion. I'm really hoping that is the case. Link to comment
sweetpea03 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 He really wants the baby, so I know he would never agree to adoption. I really don't know what I want yet. It isn't my lifestyle I'm worried about as much as it is the fact that I haven't developed loving feelings toward the baby. It just doesn't seem normal. Just like you can't love another person right away, you won't love your unborn baby right away either.. That takes time, so you need to allow yourself to develop those feelings. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Can you get an epidural right away? As soon as you get to the hospital yes, as long as you aren't dialated past a certain number. Once you reach a certain number of dialation (5 I believe) they won't give it to you. But everyone reacts differently to an epidural. It could take the pain away, the could only numb one side... and they dial it down when you begin to push to give you some control back. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 I read online that you have to wait until your 4cm to get an epi, but I have friends that were able to get the epidural right away. Is this a question I ask my obgyn to make sure I can get it right away? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 You can ask but all they can tell you is give you hypthetical answers because they can't tell you 'oh yes, you can have one before 4 cm' and then something could happen when you go into labor and you can't have one. Pregnancy is itself is a jump of faith. Yes, we know a lot and we can answer a lot of questions but at the end of the day each woman is different. No birth is the same just as no pregnacy is the same. When my mom had me she was admitted and seven MINUTES later I was born. There was no time to weigh her and they barely got her off the elevator before I was born (I was two days over due). With my sister it was 48 hours of hard labor because her cervix kept dropping but she did get an epidural. With my brother she never knew he came into the world because she had to have a c-section. Link to comment
sherryberrypie Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 LS- You can't be expected to fall in love with an embryo that is about to change your whole world. It's not an instant thing for many, many women, and I think a big part of your fear about this baby is guilt over not feeling maternal as soon as the test showed a positive result. Just like it takes time to develop love for someone, it takes time to get used to pregnancy, and to fall in love with your child. You've said that you don't want this baby, but you've never really said why, aside from things that you fear or a lack of love towards it. What do you feel deep down, and why? Link to comment
Elaine Marley Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I was trying to get pregnant when we had a huge financial hit (including loss of health insurance), so we stopped trying. However, it was too late and I was already pregnant. I couldn't go through another abortion either, so we kept the baby and I considered adoption at one point, but I didn't want to do that either. I was depressed during the first trimester, but better in the second. During the third I had a panic attack standing outside a Radio Shack. My feelings about the baby ebbed and flowed. Sometimes I didn't feel the love either, esp during the first trimester. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to feel bad or ashamed about your feelings. They are NORMAL. Even though I had mixed feelings about the baby while I was pregnant, I loved my son once he was here. I remember coming home from the hospital and holding him and knew I would die for him if I had to, my feelings were so strong. So what you are feeling NOW does not tell you anything about how you will feel after the birth. BTW, I had an epidural right away. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 Oh my gosh THANK YOU so much for this. I just wanted to know that what I was feeling now will change. I feel exactly how you're describing your pregnancy. I seriously just wanted to hear someone else tell me that they understand what I'm going through. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 LS- You can't be expected to fall in love with an embryo that is about to change your whole world. It's not an instant thing for many, many women, and I think a big part of your fear about this baby is guilt over not feeling maternal as soon as the test showed a positive result. Just like it takes time to develop love for someone, it takes time to get used to pregnancy, and to fall in love with your child. You've said that you don't want this baby, but you've never really said why, aside from things that you fear or a lack of love towards it. What do you feel deep down, and why? Honestly there really isnt a deeper reason. Its beyond odd to me. I just feel this way. Believe I've tried to get to the root. Only thing that has changed between where I was a month before this pregnancy when I wanted a baby and now is that I have hormones and I'm thinking that it's causing me to just feel bad about everything. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 We're all for you, LnS. Many know what you're going through and know you'll go through this well, whatever decision you make. Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I just wanted to comment on when you say you havent developed loving feelings for the baby yet... I have a 3 year old little girl (she was planned)... I felt like the worst mother ever because my entire pregnancy I didnt felt a "bond" with her... probably even the first week I wasnt sure how I felt. It was weird and I felt sick about it.... then all of a sudden it just hit me.... she is the most amazing thing to have ever happen to me... she is my everything... even when she is being a little brat I look at her and I cant help but fall in love... Im 6 weeks pregnant with baby#2 and I hope I feel the bond before the baby is born... You have to do what is right for you. I had an abortion at 21. I was with the same man I am with now.. it was an unexpected pregnancy and it just wasnt the right time... We have come A LONG way since then and although I feel upset about having an abortion I know it was the right decision for us. That being said if I had of gotten pregnant again I would NOT have been able to have another abortion... Link to comment
ReadyorNot Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I should also mention its completely normal to be terrified of everything with having a baby... When I got pregnant with my first I questioned throughout my entire pregnancy if this was what I really wanted. I had no idea how to be a mother I never even baby sat when I was a teenager... I certainly didnt know how to give birth... In the end I had high anxiety about giving birth.. my doctor ended up tellling me that my baby was big and my birth canal was small so a c-section was the best choice for me (I had originally asked him if I could have one)... recovery on that was bad even still but it was soooo worth it. I have even questioned if I want 2 children. Things are soooo easy right now. My daughter is 3, she can do soooo much on her own. We sleep in on the weekends.... but yes.. I want two children.. Its gonna be hard but its all worth it. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 These feeling are more common then most people talk about. My daughter was planned and I didn't feel a "connection" or instant bond. I didn't even believe I was pregnant until I started feeling her kick. I went thru aniexty and tons of crazy thoughts & I wanted & planned her. So I agree just because you are depressed about it now or dont feel like its the right time - that will change once you are holding your baby. Someone once told me "if they ever waited for the right time to have a baby, they would never have children" Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Can you get an epidural right away? You usually can't get an epidural until you are at a certain stage in labor (active labor, usually 4+ cm dilated) otherwise it can slow down the progress. Each hospital has it's own policy. I know where I had my daughter and where I will be having my son will not give an epidural until you are at least 3 cm+ dilated. The early stages of labor typically are more mild and less painful though. (and many times you begin dilating weeks before you actually feel labor pains. Lost, I hope you can come to a decision that works for your family. Fear of the birth is normal, but it is only temporary, a day or two of your life at most, so if that really is the driving force between having the baby and not, at least do some research, talk to your OB, and consider how short it really is. If there are other reasons too than of course those need to weighed as well. Most of the time by the time you are ready to go into labor, you will be excitedly anticipating it, and ready to meet your baby, and that will overshadow most of your fears about the process of labor and childbirth. Link to comment
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