Iam disappointed that I'm not over it yet.

[SA2000]

I have been having a lot of difficulty with this break up. Normally I will go a solid few months and then start to pull through. I don't feel like I am making the progress I should be making.

 

It has now been almost 6 months since we broke up. We have been in almost constant contact. When we have gone NC we dropped constant hints on social networking sites to eachother. Eventually she contacts me and I respond.

 

After 5.5 years together I just can't seem to give up or let go. I refuse to try to date anyone seriously as I haven't met anyone that even comes close to my ex. The fact that we broke up amd got back together last year also doesn't help. It makes me feel as though there is hope.

 

I cant seem to bring myself to understand how she can let go or why she wants to. I understand that we both had growing up to do but if she misses me like she says she does then why wouldn't we work through things? If her family loves me and she feels we have so much in common why let that go?

 

I saw her on Christmas and she was drunk. She looked at me in her drunkenness and said I love you. I felt that honesty had slipped out. She has tried so hard to act as though she has the situation under control and that she's walking away but she has continued to contact me.

 

I know it takes time and space to let go but I can't stop loving her. I told her that I no longer want to be friends with her after she blew me off twice in the last week. That wasn't working for me and I couldn't continue being a secondary option. Putting my foot down was long over due. I have difficulty telling her no.

 

Lately I have been dreaming about her a lot. My dreams are always happy ones. We are together and enjoying life. Lots of smiles and laughs.

 

So what can I do? How do I move beyond this limbo. I perposed to her for a reason. I have never felt this deeply about anyone ever. I am not one to make friends and then stop talking to them. To say good bye to my best friend of 6 years just seems impossible. I know seeing her lately has set me back but I feel like this is the person I am supposed to be with. We are literally perfect for eachother when we want to be.

 

My selfishness started this process and hers continued it. I just want it to stop one way or another. I wanted to start this new thread to be honest with myself and to seek some help. How do you stop loving someone? Is it possible or do you just deal with it?

[savignon]

While you might WANT to make progress, you can't be surprised or wonder why you're not. I would argue that you don't in fact want to move on but rather you want her back and have been sticking around all this time to see if she changes her mind. You get out of "limbo" by sh***ing or getting off the pot. Make a go of it with her or don't. You put yourself into limbo-land by "staying in constant contact with her"

The GOOD NEWS is that this is actually simple. Moving on means moving on so if you want to move on then you know what to do. If you want to be with her and she doesn't want to be with you, then you have to move on anyways regardless of what you "wish" could happen. And if, in the last of the 3 options, she wants to be with you, then make a go of it.

Easy peasy.

[johnm3]

what was the longest stretch that you went NC for?

 

she knows how much you want her, and it's preventing her from making tough decisions

[faithful14]

ok my opinion on this is to have a serious conversation with her and tell her that you don't want to be in limbo anymore...its serious this time...

 

either

a. get both your acts together, drop the games, and do whatever it takes to make this work (counseling/therapy)

 

b. let each other go and move on for good- and oh yes, NC also

[nihongo]

I agree with John. You realize that you two were meant for each other but maybe she doesn't or can't because you are always there. If you can't sit and discuss, NC is what I suggest to give her time to think. That's what some people need sometimes.

[GotMyLifeBack]

SA, there's so much of what you said that's true for me too. It's also been about 6 months since the BU for me. I've never felt as deeply for anyone as I did/do for my ex. I've gone on dates and felt absolutely nothing, and no disrespect meant toward my dates.

 

Here's some differences between us: My ex jumped into a relationship 1 month post-BU and it's become an ongoing "serious" relationship. My ex and I have had very little contact, even though we work at the same place. I literally have not seen or talked to her for a month. For the 3 months prior to that, it was NC, occasional LC. In fact, not once since we broke up have we talked more than 30 minutes or so, and that was last summer.

 

And even though you and I have had radically different levels of contact post BU, I also am having a hard time getting over her. Earlier I read a post referencing a song called "We Can't Be Friends." It provoked a big boo hoo in me and I realized that even though I've put in a tremendous amount of personal work to develop, improve, and renovate my life, I'm still in love with my ex. It's that simple.

 

I don't know what the solution is, for you, or for me. But I think it's important to see that there's no NC or NC-type formula that will necessarily help you move on. I'm not saying it won't - I'm saying there's no guarantee. It's possible things might have been worse for me if I had more contact with my ex, but nevertheless, I'm still struggling.

 

Somehow you've got to break this stalemate you have with your ex. I know that if you could get her to go to couples counseling, a decent couples therapist would help you clarify whether you two want to be together and how to go about that, or alternatively, whether it be best that you separate and how to do that.

 

That's one way. There are other things you might consider trying. Why not have an agreement that you both stick to NC (for 1 or 2 months) for the specific purpose of each of you rooting out of your souls what it is you want? With a specific goal like that, you both may find NC more manageable.

 

It's also possible that you are right where you're supposed to be - in this place of uncertainty. "Not knowing" can feel really uncomfortable, but you've felt worse things, and maybe there is some learning for you to do without fighting so hard to figure this out right now. Sometimes things shift and evolve when we take a step back, and let go of working so hard for an answer. Just a thought, a different way of viewing things.

[faithful14]

So I have been reading this book: Getting Back Together by bettie youngs.

 

It's a really good book and I think it might be helpful to your situation.

 

It has a lot of tips and strategies on doing NC temporarily, working on yourself, and it also has some uplifting reconciliation stories about couples (who have been together long term or who are married) who have split up once, twice, three times and how they were able to make it work and successfully reconcile.

 

check it out.

[Calblee]

SA2000,

 

I have been a big follower of your ongoing story in the other thread and this. Of all the threads in here, your story resembles the most to mine.

 

You have to look at some positives in your ongoing limbo which i do not have.

 

1. Your ex is obviously still in love with you.

 

2. Your ex still make an effort to contact you despite you imposing NC.

 

3. You have already made good progress on yourself over the last few months as documented in the other thread. In short, you are a better person today than before the BU.

 

4. You have a lot of love to give to your ex still.

 

5. You can replace a person but not the deep chemistry or connection which is clearly still shown by your ex.

 

6. You have her friends and family on the side of a reconcilation from the sound of it. (Trust me, this could potentially be a make it or break it ingredient in getting back together)

 

7. Of all the relationships that you had, this is the only one that you have difficulty letting go which seems to be unlike your character of the past.

 

8. You already proposed and she already accepted your proposal before. There is a big part in both of your heads that you are meant to be.

 

9. 6 months on and both of you can't find someone better.

 

 

We only have one life to live and there are things that you just know you have to have. If you do, are you going to take NO for an answer?

 

Against most conventional advice, i say go for it. Woo her, win her back and start anew without the baggage or bad emotional strongholds in the past. What are you going to lose?

 

1. You tried, get hurt again and move on finally. But hey, you did your best of best.

 

2. You and her get married and end up having a great family and future together.

 

Hope i knock some sense into you.

 

Take care and keep us updated.

 

Calblee

[Live-N-Learn]

You can't move on because you still have hope of getting back together and you are in constant contact with her. I know how you are feeling all too well. I went through it with my ex for the past 11 months. We talked almost everyday and we became FWB's and as of last month just friends. I honestly could not handle the friendship and had to cut her off for good, which I did 3 days ago. It is now NC for life.

 

You may want to ask her what she wants. All or nothing. If she says nothing then tell her OK and cut her out of your life. I know it's hard man. I am hurting really bad but being in limbo is the worst. I hope you can get some clarity from her and either try again or get out. Friendship with her will never work. You love her too much. I tried it and it killed me. Best of luck. I'm rooting for you.

[catfeeder]

[...] It has now been almost 6 months since we broke up. We have been in almost constant contact. [...]

 

It's no mystery why you haven't healed from this one yet. In order to move forward, you'll need to stop contact and grieve. If you're not willing to do that, you'll remain in limbo.

[SA2000]

Thanks for all of the input. We have gone 2 weeks total without contacting eachother. I also asked my mother about this. She says to stand firm on what I've told her. That I won't be hanging on any longer due to her actions and indecissiveness. I see her point. What do I really have to lose?

 

Calb, buddy, I wish it were that easy. We've had that talk twice. She's also told me she wanted me back twice. Her actions say otherwise tho.

 

I love her but I can't sit around waiting for her. She needs to realize that shell lose me forever if she doesn't shape up. I don't think she really wants that. She's never had to face that before.

[Live-N-Learn]

I really do hope there is a happy ending in this for you my friend. She has put you through a lot.

[SA2000]

I am really upset that I wasted this much time on this girl. Looking back I think things have not been right for a long time. I should have walked away a long time ago. I think the only reason I stuck around so long is that I truly did love her. But at some point you start to realize that what the other person did was flat out wrong. By wanting to get back with her after she left me for someone else only perpetuates the situation and justifies it. Its OK now because I let it be OK.

 

Well its not OK anymore. She sabotaged our relationship based on false assumptions. I played my part in it but I should have walked away the first time. Actually I should have walked away before the first time we broke up. There was smoke in the air but I was blinded by how attracted I was.

 

Its as though I have reached a new stage of anger. I will never get over all of this so there is no point in even considering trying to hold on to hope that we can both change. Whats done is done. She is not the person I met and is not getting better but getting worse.

 

I should have put my foot down immidiately but I let it go. It went way too far. I am glad that I told her that I wouldnt put up with her siht anymore. I can move on now.

[Live-N-Learn]

I know how hard it is to give up and let go. Man, I feel your pain. I too spent way too much time compromising and letting her have it her way. Try not to be too hard on yourself, love causes us to do things we never thought we woud do. They may have lost respect for us for not standing up for ourseves but hey, it's hard to stand up for yourself when they are sending so many mixed signals. We get clouded with all these thoughts and are judgement gets impared.

 

If you are truly clear on how things really are now and know that it is over then now is the time to get your own self respect back. Go NC and never look back. Know that you did your best and thats all you can do. Honestly, though it sucks for me to walk away, I have a level of peace that I did my best.

[sadchick83]

Hi SA,

 

I have been reading your posts for about the last 6 months. In my opinion she does still love you at least 3/4 of the amount she loved you at the peak of your relationship. She is keeping her feelings at bay for now. Why? Becasue she is putting herself first. She isn't committing because she simply doesnt have to. You need something to jolt the relationship....this could be accomplished by many things: a family disaster, disease/illness, you seriously with someone else, etc. She hasnt met anyone else either- I recall she may have gone on a few dates?

 

I think you are both, maybe her more than you, waiting for someone else/better. She simply hasnt found anyone else and may never find anyone else as good as you. The question is: How long are you willing to wait?

 

My advice: go back to NC. Or very little contact. Yea if she calls 10x in a row, you can take her call and say you have been busy. No more details about your life, no more immediate responses...treat her like a not too close friend.

Disappear for a while.

[SA2000]

Sadchick - She has been kind of dating the same guy since we broke up. I dont know how serious it is but it cant be all that serious as she has been contacting me on a daily basis. When I went NC for 2 weeks she FB'd a very close friend of mine and asked him how long it will take to get over it and said she was still hurting pretty badly. He responded saying that it may never go away and that the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

She texted me that night and came over the next night. Since then she had been texting me every day and asking me to spend time with her. She called me crying the next day saying she told the other guy that she has been hanging out with that she just wants to be with me and that he should leave her alone. He apparently told her that she has problems and said a few other not so nice things to her. I thought that they were long past done hanging out but I guess I was wrong.

 

Since then she has said she wanted to hang out but then blown me off later to hang with her friends twice. I told her that I wasnt going to deal with that anymore and that I was done with her.

 

I think you are right. We have both been waiting for something better to come along. The problem there is that we are realizing what a good fit we really were together. But the damage has already been done. We cant seem to find anyone better because you cant just replace the person who has known you best and has grown with you for 6 years. There is no way anyone lives up to that at this point.

 

The only time I get multiple calls in a row is when she is drunk at like 3 am. I dont think that would be a good time to answer. Also I dont know if any time is a good time to answer. I think we may be to a point where we cant ever honestly get back together. As much as we love each other we have to realize that we wont ever get back what we had. The hard part is not answering when my best friend is calling. It sucks that when I do answer, the person on the other line is this new person who has taken over her body.

 

Ill try some extended NC and see what happens but at this point I doubt I could ever trust her again. Lets give it atleast a month. Hopefully Ill be all healed up by then.

[sadchick83]

The two of you have a significant difference: She seems to be the type that can't be alone, even if it is with a not so nice guy. However you are maintaining a standard therby keeping your options open with her, but not settling, even if it means being alone for now.

 

I still like the disappearing idea. There are times during the break up that this can be highly effective--even at this point. Basically, you have always been there if your longest period of NC has been 2 weeks. She has yet to feel the fear of never being with you again.

 

You do have a unique situation. It is so "never ending."

[SA2000]

Isnt that what I commited too? I thought I signed up for never ending when I told her I loved her.

 

On a serious note I understand what you are saying. Although my fear is that this will give her the opportunity to solidify whatever she has with someone else or that she might actually move on while I am waiting for her to come around it is the only real option I have at this point.

 

This cant continue. She will pop in and out of my life at will until I stop it from happening. I dont want to have a lofty list of demands to be with me or whatever but I agree that she has never truly had to worry about life without me. Any time she has needed my comfort I have always been there. Thats just the type of person I am. I have been friends with most of my friends for over 25 years and I am 31 years old (Just turned. SO weird to type that!) so I am not the type to give up on something. I stick it out and am always there for the people that I get close too. I think that is what makes this so hard.

 

But the fact of the matter is that I am not going to deal with this any longer. I have put enough time and effort into it up to this point. Why she continued to contact me for months after we broke up will always be a mystery to me but she has tarnished everything she supposedly stood for when I met her. To me that is so unattractive that pining any further is ridiculous.

 

I think I held on so long because I felt that I could fix the situation. It was a challange to me. But now its as though I am trying to get back something that I wouldnt normally want. That doesnt make any sense now does it?

[Glowguy]

I think you need to hold on to that anger for awhile to get you through this. You have a great attitude and you have done a lot to work on yourself but this chick just keeps stringing you along. By this point you should realize that she is full of it, and what she says doesn't matter at all. You are still looking for glimmers of hope with the "I love you comment" when she was drunk. If she really loved you she wouldn't be treating you the way she is. Honestly, this woman doesn't seem great at all to me and I think you can do a lot better, but first you have to get over her. I think maybe it is just the physical attraction that you are stuck on.

 

Stick to NC!!!! Discipline. All you are doing is torturing yourself and keeping her on your mind. I'm not saying NC is the fix all for every situation and I am still in contact with my ex (although that will probably change soon), but in this case I really think NC is the absolute best thing for you. She left you for another guy and has crossed all kinds of lines, yet you keep giving part of yourself to her. She has no problem blowing you off because you have shown her repeatedly that you will tolerate it.

 

I can't see any reason AT ALL to keep in contact with this woman and she doesn't deserve ANY of your attention. You've told her that you won't tolerate it any more, now you just have to stick to it and show her that you mean business. Once you stop contacting her, you will start to heal. Try it for a month and see what happens.

[SA2000]

I am seathing today. I am not sure why. Normally I dont care. I will think what happens when we are not together doesnt matter as she is not my girlfriend. But this one is different. I take it all as disrespect and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because i felt that at some point we would work things out and come back together. Its probably because this is the first time I have been strung along or allowed myself to be in this position. I never knew I could feel like this for this long. Wow.

 

All of my previous exs have moved out of state shortly after we broke up. I guess I have been lucky. But not only does this one not move away, she tells me all kinds of crazy crap to keep me around! Here is what I have heard in the last 2 weeks:

 

- I want to relocate with you to another state.

- I miss you every single day.

- I love you.

- My family loves you.

- We have so much in common.

- Lets plan a vacation together.

- I just want to be with you.

- I wish we could spend more time together and hang out more.

- I am going to join your gym so we can work out together.

 

If you are an ex and you dont want to commit, why the hell are you letting all of this crap come out of your mouth? I am growing to really dispise her. I hope that someday she sobers up and sees the carnage she has caused.

 

NC will be easy if I can just reread a few of these posts. This chick is NUTS. And to think I almost married her!

 

I need to do whatever it takes to get away from her. She has been stuck in my mind for too long. I just dont get how someone changes so drastically in such a short period of time. Its a damn shame. She was such a nice young lady when I met her. But you know what they say... Once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever.

[GotMyLifeBack]

The hard part is not answering when my best friend is calling. It sucks that when I do answer, the person on the other line is this new person who has taken over her body.

 

I think this says it all.

[EasyLiving]

Great post, Calblee. I'm in a similar situation as you guys and I say go for it as well. You'll only have peace of mind after you know that you gave it your all. And if we're talking about marriage, a lifetime commitment, then a temporary hardship seems well worth it. I say throw caution to the wind and pursue the heck out of her. But, only after you're at a point where you can handle rejection in a healthy way. Be prepared, roll up your sleeves, and get to work.

 

My only concern is to not cross the line over into pining for her. Pursue in a respectful, tasteful manner. If she declines your pursuit after a few tries, give her some time to think about it before pursuing again.

 

Unfortunately, Caldlee, in your case I think you should just leave her alone. Whenever infidelity is involved that's a big no-no in my book.

 

Best of luck to you both

[SA2000]

My ex claims to have never cheated but she opened that door to allow someone to drive a wedge between us. Well she can do as she pleases now. Shes single. If she plays games and I respond or react I have no one to blame but myself. It's like I think we are still together or something. I need to realize we aren't. She has the right to do as she pleases. If I don't like her actions, like anyone else, I just won't associate with her. It's just sad that she has become "everybody else" now. I honestly don't know her anymore though.

[SA2000]

Ah damn it. I want to hate her so bad but I just can't. I just don't have it in me. I can't believe she actually left. I can't believe we got here. Lots of silly mistakes on both sides. I'm just a naturally happy person and can't stay mad for long periods of time. Once I reach indifference there's no recovering but that'll take years.

 

This is what always happens though. She calls and I answer because I'm no longer mad. Maybe I have a disorder or something. I think about all of the fun we had and all of the silliness. We really do have a lot in common.

 

I'm sure I'll find someone else who appreciates me once I feel like dating again but lately I've just been too lazy to date. I go out every now and then but I just don't feel like going through the motions of that early dating getting to know you crap. I'll get there once the weather warms up though.

[hulk7280]

the fact that she is seeing someone else would make me never wanna talk to her again..