Destiny2112 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 My ex dumped me about four months ago in order to be with someone else...We were having a 3,5 year LDR. He was seeing the new girl at least for 2 weeks before he left me, probably even longer, but about the 2 weeks, I know for sure now... My question to the dumpers is, is it really that easy for the you to move on and leave the dumpee behind when you find comfort with someone new, as it seems from the dumpee's point of view?? I'm really struggeling and finding it extremely hard to move on and let go and stop thinking about him, while my ex went NC right after he broke up with me, he just left, not even giving me a final face-to- face talk to answer some of the questions, I have had in my mind... he literally just disappeared out of my life, as if he doesn't care at all.... until this day, he hasn't tried to contact me and I doubt, he'll ever will...it is weird, for all those years we were so close and now... nothing, no more conection, we are complete strangers, as if we have never met... that hurts! Does a new person really make it so easy for the dumper to forget the dumpee and move on with his new life?? Are all the years we spent together suddenly meaningless when someone new comes along??? Do the dumpers "forget" about the dumpees that easily?? I would be glad to get an insight and I hope many dumpers will share their stories and experiences!! THANKS! Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 I suppose at the point where they'v found someone else they've already emotionally checked out of the relationship with you so its easier for them. It might be that in time when the newness wears off on his new relationship he might find himself missing you or what you had. Link to comment
EmotionalCreature Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 What SapphireNoir10 said above, but never count on their honeymoon period to wear off, never wait for anyone. Also because the one initiating the break-up will feel more in control, as they took a step to make a difference to their lives. While the dumpees are still in the shock and grieving phases before reaching the acceptance phase. Can't say it's easier, but the ball has started rolling for the dumper whereas the other person is still pushing it up the hill. Link to comment
alli Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 I've been the dumper & the dumpee in the past. Not gunna lie, it really is a lot easier to be the dumper. I know some people regret breaking up with their ex but I never have, & you shouldn't wait for the day you can tell him "I told you so". It sucks getting dumped, but the best way to get over it is to minimize contact with him.. eliminate it if at all possible, and continue with your life. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted December 5, 2010 Author Share Posted December 5, 2010 Thanks for your replies... mmh, well, I thought so... it would have been a little comfort for me right now, to know, my ex is having a hard time missing me, too... But I suppose, he is too happy, too much in love and too distracted with his new gf right now, that he barely thinks of me... it's unfair But as you said, he was in control, it was his choice to walk away, and he was well prepared, someone else was already waiting for him, to comfort him after his break up Any other opinions are greatly appreciated!!! Link to comment
gallop30 Posted December 5, 2010 Share Posted December 5, 2010 how easy was it when u first met? how easy was it when u first had sex? so ,how easy would it be 2 find somebody new? Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted December 5, 2010 Share Posted December 5, 2010 Let's do a thought experiment . . . imagine for a few minutes that he actually does miss you. Imagine that he thinks about you every day and wonders if he made the right decision, but he feels it would be unfair to send you mixed signals in his state of uncertainty. Plus, he has this new person who's counting on him to be honest with her. Imagine he's trying to live with the break up and make the most of his new life, even though he's sad and unsure sometimes. So what? Does that really change anything? Isn't your hurt about having him move on easily replaced with confusion (If he misses me will he come back? If he's sad, why doesn't he contact me?)? Anything short of him wanting to reconcile and the two of you somehow finding happiness again doesn't change a single thing. Look, you were in that relationship. You know it was real. YOU know! You don't need him to validate anything for you. The way he's acting now serves his agenda--you can't possibly know what that agenda is and it doesn't matter because it doesn't involve you. I know it hurts--it hurts a lot--but there's nothing he can do to make it better. That has to come from you. Put your energy into building an amazing life for yourself and let this situation go. Trust that if there's anymore to come of it, you'll know it when the time comes (i.e., you won't have to imagine what he's thinking or feeling). For now, just accept it as it is and move forward. Link to comment
gallop30 Posted December 5, 2010 Share Posted December 5, 2010 yes ,she NEEDS him 2 validate something ,and that's a parking ticket 4 wasting all the time with a moron Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted December 5, 2010 Share Posted December 5, 2010 yes ,she NEEDS him 2 validate something ,and that's a parking ticket 4 wasting all the time with a moron lol nice analogy! Link to comment
mines Posted December 5, 2010 Share Posted December 5, 2010 I have been both dumper and dumpee (currently, dumpee) and as someone said earlier, it is easier to be the dumper. It is hard for me to find the right time, and the words, because I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings. My experiences as dumper have never come because of a fight, but because I had moved on, lost feelings for them, or found someone else who I was interested in. Truthfully, I felt relief once the words were out, and I didn't think about them much, afterward. I am friends with my ex-husband (kids dad) (I dumped him) and he is the only one, where I regret at times, my decision. Currently - I am trying to remember how I felt, in being the dumper, in order to live with being dumped by this man that I am still so much in love with. So I try to have dignity, and I am determined to not let the pain destroy me, instead, I'm going to be better than ever. Not to spite him - but just because I can be. I can get through this and come out better off. Whereas, he is back in the same old relationship that has never worked and likely won't magically ''voila`'' suddenly work this time. You too, can take your pain and the energy that it takes up in your life, and channel it into your passions, and into creating the kind of life that you want and deserve. Pain is sharp, think of it as a scalpel -use it to carve out the best life for yourself...hold your head high. It is not shameful to love someone - only shameful when we give up our hope of moving forward, should we lose them. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted December 5, 2010 Author Share Posted December 5, 2010 Thanks for your post! Well, you are right, first of all, I'm not going to find out how he is feeling right now anyways and I guess that is for the better. He didn't want me to be part of his life anymore and now he is free to do whatever he likes with whomever he likes...even if it hurts me a lot, I know, his life is none of my business anymore! I thought, maybe knowing, he still thinks of me from time to time, or even misses me, would let him appear less heartless and selfish in my eyes... but even if he is asking himself if leaving me was the right choice for him, it doesn't change the fact that he had overlapped 2 relationships and he left me in order to be with her...he is gone... so I have to accept it and try to move on... well, at least for me it's not that easy...but I'm the dumpee and the break-up hit me out of the blue.... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted December 5, 2010 Author Share Posted December 5, 2010 Yeah, I think my ex doesn't think about me much anymore, either My sister found out, he is already thinking of getting married to the new girl, next year...GREAT! I just hope the pain will lessen with time and that I won't think about him and her that much anymore...It's just hard for me to forget him and move on as if he doesn't exist, as if we never existed... I just wished it would be as easy for me, as it is for him...but of course, when you have someone new, there is no space left to think of an ex I know, I need to move on, stop wasting my time remembering what we had and being sad and missing him...I know all the things I need to do, it is just not so easy to do them... For me it just feels strange that he isn't part of my life anymore, that he just walked away, just disappeared and that I'll probably never ever see him or talk to him again... it just hurts...but there is nothing I can do, it was his choice and I don't blame him for falling in love with someone else...of course, he deserves to be happy in life...I can't make anyone love me or stay with me forever... Link to comment
Karma20 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 He dumped you four months ago and is planning on marrying this new girl? Sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. Just be glad you're not part of it. Move on and tell your family and friends you don't want to know anything that's going on with him. Focus on yourself and drop off his radar. The less you know the better Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 He dumped you four months ago and is planning on marrying this new girl? Sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. Just be glad you're not part of it. Move on and tell your family and friends you don't want to know anything that's going on with him. Focus on yourself and drop off his radar. The less you know the better As far as I know, yes, after such a short amount of time, he got engaged to the new girl... it's really really weird and I don't understand how stupid someone can be to think a marriage like that could work??! I mean, honestly, could it??! Maybe he was seeing the other girl for longer than he claimed, I have no idea, I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't know what happened to the person, I thought I knew so very well... he seems like a complete stranger to me and all his current actions appear just crazy... but it's his life, he is old enough to make his own decisions and if he thinks, it's a good idea to marry someone he barely knows... well, he shall go for it!! I truly doubt that the will have their "and they lived happily ever after", but only time will tell. And I'll never find that out anyways, he chose to kick me out of his life, so it's none of my business anymore, what he is doing or not... I just wished, the day would have already come, where I just don't care aboout him and his life anymore, where all his actions wouldn't hurt me anymore, wouldn't bring me down or make me suffer anymore... Yeah, I have told all my friends and family, I don't ever want to hear from him again... that is the only way for me to finally get him out of my system and continue my healing... I gave up trying to understand this man, I don't understand him anymore.... Link to comment
Irial Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I am not sure. I have only been in 2 serious and long relationships. In one of them I was the dumper and yes it was a lot easier than now. Infinitely easier. The first few days I felt real sad and I even cried about it, but soon I was much better and I found a new guy I liked and then everything was far easier than it is now as the dumpee. It really sucks, knowing our ex is possibly having the time of their life while we are in misery. Link to comment
D3adkl0wn Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 'im not really sure about the ease of which they move on.. I'm wondering myself really if my ex really even cares that i'm not around anymore, but I'll never really know.. I know that she is distracting herself with many things since the breakup 3 weeks ago and I think that having people around ALL the time over the holidays may have allowed a certain element of stability to her life where she didnt really have to look far for support for anything, like she looked to me for support all along.. but that it may wear off now the people are going back to school and work, possibly giving her a reality check as to exactly how much i was there for her when she needed someone.. I dont think that she's "moved on" as far as getting a new BF, but I really hope that she hasn't.. we broke up because of her issues that she had to get straight in her own head before she could really be happy in a relationship, and I think she knows that jumping back into something wouldn't help her.. Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Try to look on the bright side, he's not the right guy for you. If you spent longer with him, it wouldn't be easier to break off. Don't worry too much about what he feels like. I've been the dumper, and it's easier. The dumper has the power and satisfaction of feeling a tiny bit superior. The dumpee is the one with the shame and longing. Why don't you try to mentally dump him? Think of all the things that annoy you about him, until you know that he's not worth dating anymore. Link to comment
MasterPo Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 This is almost what I'm feeling. I'm very much asking "where is the girl I loved? who is this ##$#$# harpy that is so bitter and mean?" I suppose she was there all along and I never noticed. No big deal. It only hurts every other day now. Ach. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 This is almost what I'm feeling. I'm very much asking "where is the girl I loved? who is this ##$#$# harpy that is so bitter and mean?" I suppose she was there all along and I never noticed. No big deal. It only hurts every other day now. Ach. Yeah, it's really strange how our ex's become after the break up...you don't really know who they are anymore, since they act in such a cruel and heartless way and just cut you out of their lives, in a way you never thought they would be capable of acting...I for one never thought, my ex could be such a coward, I thought he was strong, but he proved me wrong... I thought, I knew them so very well after all the time spent together... although it's "only" 5 months after the break up, I have the feeling, my ex - the way he is now- is a stranger to me...I'm not sure if he is still the person I fell in love with and with whom I spent 3,5 years of my life...I don't understand him and his actions anymore... it hurts that the person I loved doesn't exist anymore, he is so different now... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 Try to look on the bright side, he's not the right guy for you. If you spent longer with him, it wouldn't be easier to break off. Don't worry too much about what he feels like. I've been the dumper, and it's easier. The dumper has the power and satisfaction of feeling a tiny bit superior. The dumpee is the one with the shame and longing. Why don't you try to mentally dump him? Think of all the things that annoy you about him, until you know that he's not worth dating anymore. I can imagine, it's easier for the dumper, since he made up his made before actually telling the dumpee about his decision of breaking up...sometimes someone else is waiting in the line already, which makes it even easier for them to distract themselves... while the break up comes out of the blue for us dumpees....we were happy in the relationship and from one minute to the other it's all over, we have nothing to say anymore, the dumpers had made their decision and all of our initial begging, crying and pleading only pushes them further away from us... it sucks Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Maybe...maybe not. Depends. Besides who cares about the dumpers? We as the dumpees or even as a person need to stop rationalizing everyone's behavior. It's not healthy for our heart, our mind, and our soul. ;] Just go explore a new territory like Columbus. LOL Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Honestly,who cares what they are thinking or why they are acting a certain way. I spent months trying to figure out my ex's actions instead of looking at how her actions made me feel. I finally woke up and said "screw her" all that matters now is what I want, and I want to feel good again. Yeah, it sucks to be dumped but there is nothing we can do about it. Just know what you had was real for a time. How they are acting now is not a reflection of the entire relationship. Just move on and rebuild your life. Thinking about it will only keep you stuck and suffering. Sorry for your loss, I know how it feels. I stuck around for a year post breakup. Please don't do what I did. Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Honestly,who cares what they are thinking or why they are acting a certain way. I spent months trying to figure out my ex's actions instead of looking at how her actions made me feel. I finally woke up and said "screw her" all that matters now is what I want, and I want to feel good again. Yeah, it sucks to be dumped but there is nothing we can do about it. Just know what you had was real for a time. How they are acting now is not a reflection of the entire relationship. Just move on and rebuild your life. Thinking about it will only keep you stuck and suffering. Sorry for your loss, I know how it feels. I stuck around for a year post breakup. Please don't do what I did. [hugs] I hope you have a better relationship than you did with your last. Your ex is selfish. I'm taking your quote is posting it in my journal. Hope you don't mind! Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 [hugs] I hope you have a better relationship than you did with your last. Your ex is selfish. I'm taking your quote is posting it in my journal. Hope you don't mind! thanks Seeker. I am not in a relationship right now, sti healing from 2010 "the year from hell" lol I can promise you my next one will be better. I have learned a ton from the pain I have been through. Again thanks What quote is that? Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 thanks Seeker. I am not in a relationship right now, sti healing from 2010 "the year from hell" lol I can promise you my next one will be better. I have learned a ton from the pain I have been through. Again thanks What quote is that? lol 2010 the year of tiger not a good year ha ha rabbit year is here it's a good year ;] promise! I learned a lot as well from my first break up and from you and a lot of other people on this board. Oh, this quote Honestly,who cares what they are thinking or why they are acting a certain way. I spent months trying to figure out my ex's actions instead of looking at how her actions made me feel. I finally woke up and said "screw her" all that matters now is what I want, and I want to feel good again. Yeah, it sucks to be dumped but there is nothing we can do about it. Just know what you had was real for a time. How they are acting now is not a reflection of the entire relationship. Just move on and rebuild your life. Thinking about it will only keep you stuck and suffering. Sorry for your loss, I know how it feels. I stuck around for a year post breakup. Please don't do what I did. LOL To remind myself to move on and take chance a date with someone who I know is good for me. Apparently my journal is going to become my bible. Ha ha! Link to comment
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