Live-N-Learn Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Year of the rabbit? Does that mean we are going to jump for hole to hole?! Well I am talking to 3 girls right now. haha...jk about the jumpin part Link to comment
The_Seeker Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Year of the rabbit? Does that mean we are going to jump for hole to hole?! Well I am talking to 3 girls right now. haha...jk about the jumpin part LMAO! You're such a ;] you know what. LOL Dang 3 girls? LOL Someone is improving his A-GAME. Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 LMAO! You're such a ;] you know what. LOL Dang 3 girls? LOL Someone is improving his A-GAME. lol...yeah just had to quit pinning over the ex and the floodgates have opened! Sorry for high jacking this thread... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Honestly,who cares what they are thinking or why they are acting a certain way. I spent months trying to figure out my ex's actions instead of looking at how her actions made me feel. I finally woke up and said "screw her" all that matters now is what I want, and I want to feel good again. Yeah, it sucks to be dumped but there is nothing we can do about it. Just know what you had was real for a time. How they are acting now is not a reflection of the entire relationship. Just move on and rebuild your life. Thinking about it will only keep you stuck and suffering. Sorry for your loss, I know how it feels. I stuck around for a year post breakup. Please don't do what I did. Yeah, that's true...it's just that my ex's actions during and post break up do make me question the whole relationship... I know, it's stupid to think like that, but sometimes I can't help myself and I wonder, if our relationship really, truly meant something to him, how could he possibly act in such a immature/ cruel and selfish way and throw 3,5 years out of the window... you know what I mean?? ...but yes, I know, I'll never understand his intentions and his way of thinking... all I can do is move on and try to become happy again...without him... Link to comment
LokahSamasta Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Honestly,who cares what they are thinking or why they are acting a certain way. I spent months trying to figure out my ex's actions instead of looking at how her actions made me feel. I finally woke up and said "screw her" all that matters now is what I want, and I want to feel good again. Yeah, it sucks to be dumped but there is nothing we can do about it. Just know what you had was real for a time. How they are acting now is not a reflection of the entire relationship. Just move on and rebuild your life. Thinking about it will only keep you stuck and suffering. Sorry for your loss, I know how it feels. I stuck around for a year post breakup. Please don't do what I did. This really IS awesome!!!! And so dang true! I agree with seeker,... GREAT quote. I feel a little awakening to.... *blush* Thank you... Your words are inspiring... Link to comment
Nappeal Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 I'm not a dumper, but b/c I still have regular contact w my ex (we have a baby together), I'd like to give my own insight about that. My ex in particular can and does move on quickly. I've seen this the many times we've been in & out since th BU. But, I think there's always a part of him that doesn't truly move on...hence why for so long we've been in & out. I think for a dumper, often there are 2 layers to them; the instantaneous layer that just wants to get out of the relationship, be it for another person, out of boredom, whatever. That layer gets peeled off real quick just for their instant gratification. That second layer is a little slower to peel...the layer that still loves or cares for the other person, and still wants the relaionship...if any of that makes sense. I think on a certain level, dumpers don't have it easy. Maybe initially, but eventually they get back to their senses and may realize they were wrong. For some dumpers tho, I think it is that easy. For those people, they've already dealt w the fact that the relationship has ended for them and moved on. My ex (different ex from who I just mentioned) who left and divorced me for his now wife 3 years ago, still has times when he will talk about how he still loves me and blah blah blah. I will recall, when he says those things, how ugly and mean he was to me during the BU...he's my proof that sometimes the dumper doesn't always have it that easy. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks for sharing your story, Nappeal! I always find it interesting to get an insight in the dumper's feeling and hear other people's opinions about it. Although I know, I shouldn't care about the dumper, I still do and I'm still curious and would like to understand their behaviour and feelings, at least a little bit more! Somewhere her on ENA I read that we as the dumpees first suffer from the break up and move on eventually, while dumpers initially feel relieved and "happy" after the break up and after some time apart, may it be months or years, they start to feel guilt or start missing the dumpee and the good times they had together and may realize they made a mistake, but by then most dumpees have already moved on already... as you say, in the beginning it may be easier for the dumper, but in the long run they may not have it that easy... Link to comment
Dave24 Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 My ex dumped me and cried for days, couldn't eat or sleep properly for a few weeks (much what I went through) but she also slept with someone and started another relationship that fizzled out weeks later. After being down for a thurther month she is set on moving on. She misses me but is doing better than I am as I want her back. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 ... Probably my ex doesn't even think about me anymore, I have the feeling he has forgotten about me alreay... I know, I shouldn't care about what he thinks or how he feels, but it still hurts... sometimes I get "angry" at myself for still caring and crying over my ex every now and then, while he is happy with his new gf, oups sorry, his fiancee and doesn't waste a single thought on me anymore... Link to comment
gallop30 Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 ... Probably my ex doesn't even think about me anymore, I have the feeling he has forgotten about me alreay... I know, I shouldn't care about what he thinks or how he feels, but it still hurts... sometimes I get "angry" at myself for still caring and crying over my ex every now and then, while he is happy with his new gf, oups sorry, his fiancee and doesn't waste a single thought on me anymore... he does think about you even if he doesn't show it. you shouldn't get angry at yourself,it's normal and shows how much you really loved him. would you feel better if he was unhappy with his new gf? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 in your case, your BF was cheating on you (with the other girl) so in a sense, he already had time to "move on". You didn't. He dumped you and then you had to deal with all of that right there, plus the fact that he cheated on you with this other girl. Any feeling of loss or missing you, he likely already went through it before. The fact that he had a "girl on the side" made it a lot more easier, for sure. I have been the "dumper" in all of my relationships but for the most part, it was hard for me still. I was never a cheater and never left because I even found someone else, but because I was deeply unhappy and we had problems that we tried to solve, but could not. I think it may have been a *little* easier for me than my ex bfs because, well, I had contemplated leaving them before I actually broke up with them, and thus, had gone through some of the emotions already. For them, they knew I was unhappy but the fact that I was leaving was still a surprise. Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 it is puzzling how they seem to switch off and move on straight away...here's my take on it: Dumpers are generally prepared for ending relationships. They'll spend weeks or even months (as in my case) going through detaching themselves from you. you know, when you have that conversation a few months before breaking up; "what's wrong with you? why so distant?" "nothing, I'm fine" That kinda BS thing, that's when they're getting the guts up to drop the bomb on you. Of course dumpees turn a blind eye to it and deny that the love of their life is going to finish it! when they finally do it, its still horrific for the dumper, depsite the rehearsals they've played out over and over in their mind. then of course, they have the added benefit of immediate comfort from someone else while the last bits of attachment whither away... All i realise is that once their honeymoon ends, that is when they start thinking about the dumpee. Why? because they took a risk during a state of lust. They might well be looking for someone new again by this point or possibly even deeply regretting their choice and wishing they stayed with their ex. This is mostly speculation but who knows what the future brings? just dont bet on it. treat this ending as it should be and get the life back that you deserve. best wishes. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 he does think about you even if he doesn't show it. you shouldn't get angry at yourself,it's normal and shows how much you really loved him. would you feel better if he was unhappy with his new gf? I guess, it would make me feel better in a way, if I knew, my ex is still thinking of me and that it hasn't been that easy for him to move on to someone new, you know? But I know, I'll never find that out, he won't show it. It's just making me feel bad still, to know I got replaced that easily and he moves on with his life as if nothing has happened - at least in my imagination, I have no idea how he feels about everything....Of course I want him to be happy, but deep down inside of me, I still wished it was with me and not with her ... Imagining him happy with her still hurts me a lot...I guess, I'll need way more time to feel indifferent about him and the situation... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 Thanks for your insight! Yes, you are right, I guess, when someone new is involved it mostly is easier for the dumpers, since they have someone to turn to and to distract themselves from the negative feelings and the sadness the break up had caused, like in my ex's case. It's just that when I look back at our relationship, even now, after months, I still don't really see any signs or hints... of course, being in a LDR makes it a lot easier to distance yourself and detach from your relationship without the other one noticing anything, but still, until the end, maybe 3 weeks before the actual break-up, he seemed happy and fine...maybe he was a good actor, I don't know... And as you mention, the fact that it's the dumpers decision to leave and mostly he/ she thought well about it, before speaking his/ her decision out loud, makes it easier in a way, the dumpees are mostly hit by surprise... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 Thanks a lot for your opinion DaveTrump! I really like your post and it totally makes sense in my eyes! Maybe there were little little signs weeks/ months before the break up, but as you say, since we weren't suspicious at that time, we thought, ach, c'mon, it's nothing, our ex's are just having a bad day or sth., while in reality, these small things were already the beginning of the end... and if someone new enters the picture, I suppose, mostly that is the time for our ex's to finally drop the bomb and tell us their decision of leaving us... Somewhere I have read about that, too, that when the honeymoon phase is over, they might start thinking about the dumpees again and they might regret their decision of leaving... in the beginning of their new relatioship, they are too distracted, too much "in love or infatuated" with their new partners, but when these high emotions subside again and they start thinking more clearly again, the feelings of regret might appear again...but that might take months or might not happen at all...you are right, we never know what the future holds for us! I just wished it was easier for me...just the thought that he is happy and i love with someone else, while I'm still missing him and the good times we had and just wished, I could turn back time, brings me down again... best wishes for you, too!! Link to comment
Aether Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I still have a lot of trouble with my situation, although he dumped me the first time back in June out of the blue (I saw no signs of that, there was nothing), I refused to walk away, I had moved to his country to be with him and after 2 or 3 days of thought he said that he couldn't make any promises but was willing to give it another go, obviously now I'm aware that in his mind everything rode on what I did or didn't do as he changed nothing, I tried to make changes but I figure that my security had taken a huge knock and never really recovered. I told him back in Nov that I was unhappy not with him but living in his country and feeling alienated etc, I didn't want to breakup, I thought maybe he would understand and help me, give me the support that he should have all along, he just said that he knew I was unhappy, yet he never mentioned it or tried to help me? I came back to my country to find myself again, he lead me to believe that we possibly had a future further down the road, that neither of us wanted this. And we get to the part that confuses me the most, since then he has turned everything around and made himself out as the dumper...that he broke up with me when I had thought it was "mutual", I say that in quotes as I didn't want to breakup but felt that I could not think or find myself while in that country. Is there anyone at all that can shed some light on why he would do that? I just can't understand it at all....3 days before I left he even asked if I wanted to try again, I just do not understand what he is/was thinking... Link to comment
kuteknish Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 When my ex broke it off with me, it wasn't because he was with someone else right after or before... he said he enjoys his independence so much that he said he thinks he is destined to be alone, like his father.... He isn't/wasn't a player or anything like that, in fact, he is very shy until you get to know him and it took him 8 months to finally talk to me (and he's 37 years old!)... Link to comment
marsbars Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 My ex is struggling as much as I am. If not more ... and he dumped me. He feels conflicted and guilty. He's taking steps to improve himself and so am I. Who knows? Down the line we may be together. For now though, I am focussing on myself and getting stronger. Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 That's nice to hear and thank you for the reply. Yeah another sign I turned a blind eye too was her really making special attention to her appearance, like painting her nails EVERY night and just spending loads of time getting ready in the mornings. She'd go off shopping on her own and do other work related things after hours.. I didn't even see that! Some kind of special project as she put it. What a blind fool I was but hey you'll pick up things as you heal and regain your clarity. The truth always prevails One thing you can guarantee in a relationship is that the honeymoon period is like a ticking time bomb...tick-tock tick-tock... Eventually it has to explode. KABOOOOM! then the dumper has 2 choices; run and find someone fast before it gets too much, or come back crying to their ex. Sure they've done a certain amount of grieving with their current partner they went off with, but NOT REAL GRIEVING. It's only then that they realise how fresh and raw the wounds still really are. So, as the honeymoons sun finally sets and night falls upon them, where do they go? who do they think about? Nobody knows until it happens, but it will. Here, I saved the best bit til last...(LOL) In my experience, a dumper will only come back AFTER you've moved on. That's the irony of it all. All those months spent pining for your lost love who is sleeping with someone else every night, and then you get all your life together, find happiness once again, possibly a really great partner even better than your ex, then your ex comes crawling back!! hahaha It really is the icing on the cake - the universe has once again achieved equilibrium. Be lucky! Link to comment
Seymore Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 It was ridiculously hard for me, and I was the dumper. She jumped to the next guy pretty quickly (a married man - even got engaged to him somehow), and that helped me to see that I made the right choice. But it hurt tremendously for me to leave, not to mention hear about what she was doing to herself, and took me about a year to get past it all. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 It absolutely makes sense, what you are saying and I hope you are right concerning my ex! Have you experienced that yourself, I mean did your ex come crawling back once you were over her and have moved on?? I've read it here on ENA, too, that IF they come back or reach out for you again, it's when you have healed and moved on and are happy again, alone or with someone new... I'm just wondering, maybe my ex's fiancee is really the "one" for him, maybe they do match perfectly, don't know, if I can consider her a rebound?? I have a friend, who got dumped by her boyfriend of 1 year and two weeks after the break up, she started a new relationship and is now married to that guy (they married last year in May) after 3 years being together and she said, she is happier than ever... ...well, I'm not sure if my was really doing all his grieving before he left me, I mean he was overlapping two relationships, so I doubt he really dealt with the break up and his emotions...I think he is just suppressing those feelings at the moment by distracting himself, when someone new is in the picture it's always easier, I guess...but maybe I'm wrong, maybe he is really done with us and he closed that chapter completely and once for all... no idea Thanks for your post once again! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 It was ridiculously hard for me, and I was the dumper. She jumped to the next guy pretty quickly (a married man - even got engaged to him somehow), and that helped me to see that I made the right choice. But it hurt tremendously for me to leave, not to mention hear about what she was doing to herself, and took me about a year to get past it all. Why did you break up with her? Maybe that guy was just a rebound or are they still together? I guess it really depends on the situation ad the character, of course, dumpers may suffer a lot, too... it's just in my case, it seems so easy for my ex to move on from the outside, all his actions, leaveing me for someone new, no looking back, getting engaged within a few months ...but of course, I don't know, how he feels, he may be suffering a lot, too, I just don't have the impression... Link to comment
MountainDrew Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Not sure how I've missed this thread but... As you may have seen from my posts, I'm going through a somewhat similar thing right now. Long distance gf of 8 years cheated on me and I found out so I broke up with her because she was stringing me along, waiting to see if this new guy would work out. I haven't had any form of contact with her since I broke up with her. I know what you mean...I can't understand how it's even possible for her to forget me and just move on, never sparing me a thought (of course, I don't know that's really the truth but I'm assuming the worst). Despite how much better I'm doing and how I'm beginning to realize that it doesn't matter if she thinks about me, the pain is still there. Big time. Unfortunately, as it's only been about a month and a half since this happened, I don't have any advice or answers for you. Just wanted to let you know it's not just you going through this. Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Yes, more have come back than haven't. Always around 2-3 years after the initial split, so in other words, well into moving on territory. One thing I did identify with all of these attempted reconciliations was how different my ex's seemed when they came back. It's difficult to explain but I think it's just the feeling isn't there. I mean each time it happened I would have a new girlfriend by that point. So, I never went back with them. Even if I was single I don't think I would either. You're suddenly presented with a combination of the past and present. This person that you used to have fun with, your best friend & lover, but from my perspective at the time, cannot see any future with them. I honestly can't remember one gf that I stayed friends with after. I can't do that either. You don't know what your ex is feeling. He has a new woman now so if it's still early days then he will be probably be quite happy (sorry). It's hard I know, but when me and my ex fiancee split, I knew it was for the best and wanted her only to be happy. I take whatever comes to me. Everything will work out for the best. It always does, but you have to make progress to reach the next level in your life. Take what you know from this last relationship and use it to make the next one better. Then, If he does come back, you'll be a wiser, stronger, more confident person. As for the dumper they stand still or go backwards lol. Best wishes Link to comment
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