Nappeal

I'm SO ANRGY that I believed everything you said. Everything you said to me was only to get it said in return. You said it yourself - you need constant attention & affection. So, I'm supposed to be glad that all the time we were toegther you never slept w anyone else...as soon as I was out of the picture you moved on to someone else who could give you what you needed. God, w all my heart I hate you. With most of it tho, I still love and miss you too. I believe I miss the charade you played, all those lies you said to me to keep me around; the good guy I believed you to be capable of and the future I thought we had. I SO ANGRY that things could go from looking really good between us to back to square one in a single day. IDK how you could look @ your phone and ignore after having some chit chat, that of course my dumbas$ initiated. I'm angry and I hurt because of you. And I was doing so well before my 'suggestion'...or maybe not since I even suggested it in the first place. NO MORE CONTACT. I've tried, and tried, and tried, and tried w the most minimal of effort on your part. Why? Cuz you're not interested anymore. The desire for the relationship came and went like every other relationship in your life. I can't do it anymore. I can try. I can't be the one wanting to maintain a relationship w you; baby or no baby. You have to do that on your own, and tho I know eventually I will accept that, its really hard to get there.

Lord...I knew you checked out long before you ended things, but wow...I never really thought about how long before the last few days. Remembering the things you said to me while drunk...'let's make this work; let's make this work' 'I think the rollercoaster ride has come to an end'...and all this right around the time I found out I was knocked up. That was SO long ago! Why didn't I get the fkn hint?? Oh yea, cuz you dragged it out. Lead me to believe - no, know - that you were still interested. Damn. I know you truly and genuinely loved me, hence why you let it go so long, but I do wish it would've ended sooner I have just this sudden and heavy feeling in my heart and mind that you've forgotten totally about me. I mean, in 8 weeks (whoohoo!), you'll be sorely reminded of me and the decision we made, so I know you will never be able to totally forget about Nappeal, but @ the same time, you won't be remembering me like I wish you would. Like I remember you. I am trying oh so very hard to convince myself that regardless of our situation that I'll never hear from you again; I'm very much starting to believe it like I know I should, but it still hurts. I really need to stop romanticizing in my mind that we'll get back together once the baby is born. I mean, I really do. I don't expect you to call anymore like I have in the last month. I know you're not going to. Still tho, I continue to check my phone everyone in a while that I will see your phone number on my phone. Its getting better tho, and I like it. I'm not going to contact you w anything anymore; I want to see if you'll make contact, even just ot see how I'm doing...ya know, being that I'm pregnant and all. Like I said, I just really need to stop making up these scenarios in my mind that we get back together. More then anything I just really, really, really hope you keep your word w how involved you'll be w your son. I've realized I was nothing to you...@ least @ the end. I was no different then any of those other little club hopping drunk party girls you love so much. There was nothing special there. You believe all women to be the same...useless and undeserving of respect. Its a shame. What's really a shame, is that even knowing all that, I wish I could scratch your little beard again. I got a werid comfort out of that. Oh, and I found those pics of yourself that you left on the phone you gave me. Yea, those got deleted today. So did the ones that you left on my computer.

I love you, but I very much dislike you. Its not your fault you are who you are, its just that who you are sucks. You'll never find true fulfillment in another because you will never find true fulfillment within yourself. I don't have anything to say to you, and for right now, I'm ok w you not having anything to say to me...un/fortunately, I know you do not have anything to say. IF you were ever to ask me back, thru tears I'd have to give a thanks but big ol NO THANKS. For someone who is so loved; for someone who is so popular; for someone who has so many admirers, you lead a life that is actually very lonely cuz you recycle relationships like some recycle their trash. I couldn't live like you, nor could I live my life WITH you like that. I want to move on and I will in my own time. All I ask is you be there for your child. Take care of your baby w true and genuine love.