marsbars

We were together for 2.5 years and then in November, he broke up with me saying that he was not sure he was in love with me anymore. I was blindsighted. We were in low contact for November and December - mostly me initiating - trying to understand what happened. We started talking weekly on the phone in January and both really looked forward to these calls. We were getting to know each other again. On one of these calls, he told me that he had to see me and we made plans to have dinner at my place the following week. I was sooo nervous that I almost cancelled. Glad that I didn't because we had an amazing evening. He told me that he had found that spark again. Two weeks later and we are slowly reconciling; telling friends; and moving forward as individuals and as a couple. I'm nervous as hell but happy at the same time. The time apart did us good ... we have both grown ... and we are communicating at a deeper level and not taking eachother or our time together for granted.

I'm angry at the way you are treating me. Do you honestly think you are better than me? Intellectually? That I lack passion. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your a** and took an long look at yourself you would think differently. Bars, cigarettes, etc. Is that your passion? That's just sad.

Christmas time *sigh* Miss you and hoping that you are starting to get some clarity. I'm not sure why you needed to wait until you were in a crisis to start dealing with unresolved issues. I'm frustrated today. You feel a lack of connection. Isn't communication a necessary ingredient for connecting? You asked for space. I'm giving it to you. But I miss you Babe like crazy!!

Day 10 I have asked mutual friends not to give me updates on him anymore. Moving on but still trying to figure out how we got to this place?? Does he still love me? Does he have regrets? Will he contact me at xmas?

Day 9 Got an email from a mutual friend yesterday saying that she saw my ex on Friday night and he is not doing so well. He's seeking counselling in Jan. Seeing his name made my heart skip. I replied to her this morning letting her know that he requested to cut ties and that I was respecting it for him but more importantly for me. And that cutting ties means cutting ties. I asked her not to bring him up to me (and not to share anything about me with him ). I want to deal with my own emotions and I can't worry about him. I'm starting to be as selfish as he's been and it feels good. She agreed. She said that cutting ties will make it feel more real. I wanted to ask her: for me? for him? Hitting the double digits tomorrow...an accomplishment in itself.

Note to ex: I hear you are not doing very well. What are you doing to help yourself? Do you think of me? Miss me? Have regrets? Why did you give up on us in the first place? So many questions that you are unable to answer. I am torn between moving on and waiting (not so patiently) to be with you... Are you planning to reach out to me on Christmas? We have so many xmas memories together ... putting up the tree; cooking a turkey together; gift exchanges; romantic cards and words. Hard to let go ...

I want to tell him this: Get over yourself. Get your head out of your a**. You were too cowardly to tell me how you were feeling and waited until it felt like a crisis for you. One night, I ask if we are okay and then everything came pouring out. You cried. You cried a lot. And you made this whole situation about you ... how badly you've hurt me, how badly you hurt your ex in the past, how you are broken, messed up, confused, and sad and that you hate yourself for it. Have a nice time at your pity party. Then you block me from facebook and tell me that you don't want me to see anything disrepectful posted. Immature and disrespectful in itself. Who are you? And where is the guy I fell in love with? I think you feel safe hiding in this dark place. You've hurt me but you haven't broken me.

Day 1 taking on this challenge. Day 8 of NC. Once the 28 day period is over ... who knows ... I may not feel like contacting him again EVER. Game on!